Hi You!
Title: Spin the Vicodin
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I bought House on eBay but then my mom got mad at me and made me sell him to David Shore. Damn!
Summary: Cuddy locks House in his office and to pass the time gets his friend and team to play games.
Spoilers: SPOILERS FOR 104, 207, 212, 305, and 307
Enjoy!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
B.
O.
R.
E.
D.
Was what House scratched into his arm with a black pen. The power had gone out JUST in his office. He suspected it was Cuddy's fault. Because she had said 'one of these days I'm going to lock you in your office with no power' but he never thought that she had been serious.
He sighed, then, a brilliant idea came to him. He figured that you might be able to get in from the outside but not from the inside. So he paged Wilson.
A few minutes later Wilson walked down the hallway and easily swung open the door. It shut behind him. "What do you want?" he sounded exasperated.
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"Nothing." House confirmed.
"NOTHING?!?!"
"Is there an echo in here?"
"Right, whatever House…I'm leaving." and then he walked to the door and stood triumphantly at the edge for not being sucked in by House. "Bye!"
"Bye!" House said chipper.
Wilson grabbed the handle, and tried to open the door. Crap. "House! What did you do?" he whined.
"Nothing." he said again with a smirk on his face. Not only had he managed to trap Wilson, but he had also just paged all three of his ducklings AND annoyed Wilson. He loved multitasking.
They all walked in. "What do you want?" they chorused in unison.
"Nothing!" Wilson spat for him, making House smirk. "He called us here for no reason than to TORTURE US!!!!"
"Well….Why don't we just open the door?" Chase asked, trying to sound smart but failing miserably.
"Well….Maybe you haven't considered the fact that it might be stuck." said Wilson slowly and deliberately, as if teaching a lesson to a ditzy blonde child with an Australian accent. Oh, wait, everything about that statement is true even though it was a SIMILIE! Strange…
"WELL…" House said to break the silence. "Why don't we do something?"
"Let's play Truth or Dare!!!!" Cameron suggested, squealing and jumping up and down on the ends of her toes.
All the men looked at her, as if to say: WTF?
"C'mon! It'll be fun! Or maybe we can play telephone!!"
"I'LL PLAY TELEPHONE!" declared Chase in what he thought was an I'm A Class Clown And I'm Really Cool And Funny manner. While the others thought he was speaking in an I'm A Class Clown And I'm Trying To Act Really Cool And Funny And I Smell Funny And I'm A Ditz manner.
The others rolled their eyes and began to pass on a message. Cameron decided to go first.
I Like Unicorns! Cameron whispered to Chase. He gave her a strange look and passed it on to Foreman.
I Like Unicorns? Chase passed to Foreman, who sat up straight and squealed "OMG! I like, totally do too!" and then he stood up and ran over to Cameron; both jumping up and hugging, screaming "GAL PALS!!!!"
When the crazy shenanigans had calmed down, Foreman had completely forgotten the message, but he passed it on to House anyways what he thought was the original.
I watch Tellytubbies. Foreman passed to House. He gave Cameron a strange look since she had started it. But he just shrugged and passed it on to Wilson.
House is sexy. He passed to Wilson. Wilson paused for a second.
"The message I got was 'House is sexy.'"
Everyone stared at House, knowing he had ruined it.
"Why all the blank stares? It's true! I am sexy! Wilson knows all about that…." he said suggestively, the switched the pitch of his voice into a falsetto. "Oh, Jimmy! They weren't supposed to know anything about us! I'm sorry!" he grabbed his arm and pulled Wilson close, and Wilson inched farther back, a horrified look on his face.
"The original sentence was 'I like Unicorns!'" Cameron informed them, somehow in Elmo-covered footie-pajamas. And on a sleeping bag. Come to think of it they were ALL on sleeping bags! OMG!! LIKE, A SLEEPOVER!
House decided to start a message this time. House can get any woman.
He passed it to Wilson, Wilson snorted and passed it on to Cameron. House can't get any woman.
Cameron passed it on to Chase. Who heard: House can get any man.
Chase started laughing so hard, and passed it along to Foreman. House will get some from any man.
"House will get some from any man." Foreman recited through fits of laughter.
"Hey!" House protested. "The original message was 'House can get any woman."
They all stared around for a bit, until House spoke up. "I'm bored again. Let's play Truth or Dare."
"But that's what I suggested in the first place!" Cameron cried out.
"But I'm cooler. Duh."
They all sat in a circle, and put House's pill bottle in the middle. House spun it, and it landed on Cameron. "Okay Cameron, truth or dare."
"Ummm….Truth." Cameron decided after about an hour of waiting.
"Okay…Did you really lose a baby?"
The rest all stared. They never heard that conversation before!
Cameron looked at the ground, blushing slightly, before answering "Yes."
Then Cameron spun the pills, landing it on Foreman. "T or D?"
"Dare."
"I dare you to drink this." she said, then gave him a glass of straight up Corn Syrup that had magically appeared out of nowhere.
He lifted the cup to his lips while the rest watched eagerly. House began a chant of "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" soon followed by the rest.
Foreman made a strange face as the lumpy concoction made it's way down his throat.
Then he spun it and it landed on Wilson. Wilson picked Dare.
"I dare you to kiss House." Foreman said, smirking.
House, instead of looking horrified, drew closer, making it worse for Wilson, when House said: "It'll be like all those times at my place, but with people watching!!" Wilson picked up House's hand and kissed it, quickly dropping it. House wiped his hand on Chase, who squealed.
Then Chase spun. It landed on House. Who picked Dare. "I dare you to hump the glass wall."
"Alright." he said easily; this was nothing compared to some of the things he'd done in college.
He went up to the glass wall and started humping it, and the people walking down the hall way screamed in terror and ran away. "Can I stop now?" House asked.
"Yes."
Then House spun. It landed on himself. "I dare myself to take a vicodin." he said, and popped one.
The next time he spun it and it landed on Foreman. Foreman gulped, while House smirked evilly. Vengeance was sweet.
Foreman picked dare, best get it over with now.
"Foreman, I dare you to kiss Wilson on the lips for 1 full minute!" House declared triumphantly.
They both gaped in horror. "Why me?" Wilson cried.
They moved awkwardly closer to each other, while House cackled in the background.
Finally their lips met, and each counted to 60 seconds before pulling away as fast as possible and rubbing their lips, muttering "Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, EW!!!!" Foreman gagged while Wilson vomited, the girl!
Foreman's spin landed on House. Foreman was definitely getting payback. "House; I dare you to call your dad and tell him you love him and that you admit you were wrong about everything and that he was the bestist daddy ever."
House gaped in horror, then picked up the phone and dialed shakily, blanched.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John House heard his cell ring. It said 'Greg'. Well that's a first, he thought to himself. "Blythe! Greg's calling!"
"Ooh! Put him on speakerphone!"
They did and let Greg speak. "Hello, son?"
"Hullo dad. Just wanted to call to tell you that I -…." he broke off, nervous.
"Don't just stop your sentence, boy! Complete it! Didn't you learn anything?"
"Yeah! I learned what not to do! You as my example!" House yelled back.
"Well what were you going to say?!?!" John yelled into the phone.
"I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT I LOVE YOU AND THAT I WAS WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING AND THAT YOU WERE THE BESTIST DADDY EVER!!!!"
After a very long pause, John spoke, his voice filled with emotion. "Boy, are you on crack?!?"
"Yup." he said, and hung up.
John and Blythe stared at each other. "HE LOVES US! HE LOVES US!!!!" they cried happily, jumping up and down.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They were all silent. House couldn't even have a moment with his dad without fighting with him. House sat down and crossed his arms, sulking like a child.
Next Chase asked Cameron whether or not she had really been high or had she really loved him.
She told him she had been high.
Wilson then spun on House, who picked dare. Wilson was so angry at having to kiss Foreman, that he would make House reveal something embarrassing that he already knew. "House - I dare you to tell everyone why you became a doctor."
He gaped in horror at him. "No! Wilson, you already know that! Ask me something you don't know."
"Nope. Answer that."
"Fine the reason why I became a doctor is because my best friend in high school had an unknown disease and died from it. There. Happy?"
"House! Tell the truth!"
"Oh, untwist your panties, I'll tell the truth.." he took a deep breath, then continued on. "When I was 14 my father was stationed in Japan. I went rock climbing with this kid from school. He fell, got injured and I had to bring him to the hospital. We came in through the wrong entrance and passed this guy in the hall. It was a janitor. My friend came down with an infection and the doctors didn't know what to do. So they brought in the janitor. He was a doctor. And a Buraku. One of Japan's untouchables. His ancestors had been slaughterers, grave diggers. And this guy, he knew that he wasn't accepted by the staff, he didn't even try. He didn't dress well. He didn't pretend to be one of them. The people that ran that place, they didn't think that he had anything they wanted. Except when they needed him. Because he was right. Which meant that nothing else mattered. And they had to listen to him."
There was an uncomfortable silence, then House spun and it landed on Chase. Who picked dare. "Chase I dare you to French-Kiss Foreman." said House, paging Wendy.
While Foreman and Chase kissed horrified, Wendy walked in and saw them.
"OMG! Your gay! But I thought you loved me!" she cried. "It's over, Eric." she said, and stormed off.
House laughed whilst a vein throbbed in Foreman's temple. "Don't worry, I'll explain it to her later."
Chase and Foreman vomited, and because they had been so disgusted, they vomited on HOUSE for payback.
After House had to throw off his suit jacket, making Cameron drool, they dared Cameron to have French-kiss House for 7 minutes.
While House was busy being disgusted and Cameron was busy being delighted, about 10 women stormed into the room. All of them had been with House at one point or another.
"GREG!" they all yelled. And each and every one of them stepped up and slapped him in the face, crying, including Stacy. Then they left.
Okay…that was random.
Cameron spun, and it landed on House. "House, have you ever been in love?"
"Yes."
Next House spun, and it landed on Vogler, who had somehow appeared in the room. And was eating. A whale. He was eating a whale!!!!
"Vogler….How did you get in here?"
"Oh…my pseudopods made of fat started walking over here."
"Okay…….well then where did you get the whale?!?!?!"
"The aquarium."
"Vogler?"
"Yes?"
"Please leave."
"OKAY!" he said, and threw the whale out of the window, quickly jumping out after it.
"Alrighty then…I'm just going to spin.." said Foreman. It landed on House. "House…? Did you ever REALLY order a hooker?"
"Dare."
"Okay…I dare you to tell me if you ever really did order a hooker!"
"God dammit! Alright! YES, I DID!"
House then spun, landing it on Chase. "Chase? Are you planning to rat me out to Tritter?"
"Um.."
"ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION!!!"
"Alright! Alright! Take a vicodin…Jesus!
"Don't mind if I do!" he said, popping a vicodin. "And it's god, not Jesus. Now answer the question!"
"Alright! I am!"
There's stunned silence throughout the room. Then House realized something.
"Hey! Those girls were able to leave! We can too!" cried House, and tried to open the door. It was locked. "GOD DAMMIT! WHY WON'T THIS DAMN THING OPEN!?!?!?!?!"
Then Tritter walked in, smirking.
Everyone said at the same time: "I DARE MYSELF TO KILL TRITTER!!!!!"
And then they all tackled him and began to beat him with various objects; a cane, a high-heeled shoe, a stethoscope, a machete, a toothpick…
Tritter died.
THE END. THE MOST HAPPIEST ENDING EVER!!!!
----------------------------
Review please. READER CHALLENGE: Guess which various objects belong to each person.