First off, I feel I ought to clarify a couple of things.

1) It's my personal head-canon that during the first year Cory and Topanga lived in NYC, they shared an apartment with Shawn and Eric. Thus, all three of the men mentioned in the 2001 snippet live in the same apartment at the time that moment takes place.

2) This is not meant to be a hate- or anti-anything fic. PLEASE UNDERSTAND. I do not hate or hate on Riley, Lucas, Maya, Lucaya, Rucas, Charlie, Riarlie, or any part of the GMW fandom.

Chapter 1

2001

For Shawn, finding Cory's little handgun and putting the barrel to his forehead hadn't been about Angela – not about just Angela – but about everything in his whole entire life being a fight. He'd just been so tired – so done. So ready to finally go to sleep.

It had been weeks before he'd even begun to forgive Eric for finding him that way and taking his finger from the trigger.

Present day

Lucas laughed. Riley was coming from her bedroom after changing into a pair of basketball shorts for the night, and her head instantly snapped towards the sound. And instantly she wished it hadn't. Maya's slight form was curled onto her new boyfriend's lap, her head resting in the crook of his neck even as she rolled her eyes and said something teasing about who knew what. Later, the duo would come up with some flimsy excuse about the apartment being too crowded with visitors and there not being enough seats for everyone unless she'd sat on his lap, but right now they were just a cute couple enjoying the beginnings of being a couple.

They were perfectly happy, alone in their own little world, without needing – or apparently even wanting – anyone to invade that little bubble.

Let alone you.

Riley winced at the thought, swallowing harshly as she did her best to shove it away while she stepped into the kitchen. Her stomach flipped nauseatingly, and she opened the door to the fridge, hoping to find something to settle the pain. Granted, nothing had done that in what felt like forever, and this thing between Lucas and Maya had been going on for over a month now, but… Riley hadn't felt right since long before their trip to Texas. By now, she was just… tired of everything.

Tired, tired, tired. The word didn't at all describe how Riley had been feeling, how she felt at right that second, but the real word that pinned down what she felt –What you want to do to yourself, that little voice in the back of her mind whispered, pushing forcefully forward – she didn't think she could bear to acknowledge it.

But you could do it anyway, her own mind insisted. It's not like anyone would notice. You wouldn't have to hurt anymore. You could finally sleep, be at peace…

She shut the refrigerator door, resting her forehead against the cool stainless steel and taking a couple of deep breaths against the crushing weight that was spreading out from her chest. Her body felt so hot, and she wanted to throw up – but at the same time she was so numb. So Hoover-dam tired of feeling absolutely everything and nothing and –and she bit the inside of her cheek until she tasted blood to keep from screaming.

Auggie was in bed, but her parents, Lucas and Maya, Uncle Shawn and Katy, even Charlie Gardner – her parents had invited them all over for a couples' game night; Riley had wanted to cry at the very thought – were here. They were right there in the living room, and she couldn't cause a scene.

After all, look at them; they're happy. You're the one who's wrong.

She pushed herself away from the fridge, turning to look at the group in her living room, but she still kept a shoulder propped against the fridge, like she was too weak to stand on her own somehow. Was she really that helpless?

Entwined as they were, Lucas and Maya weren't even taking up the entirety of the big tan chair. Topanga, Cory, and Katy were all sitting on the couch, and Uncle Shawn and Charlie… were coming into the kitchen. Uncle Shawn stopped at the cabinets to get a glass, and Charlie came to Riley, wrapping his arms around her waist as she smiled, praying he couldn't see how much she just wanted peace and quiet.

Shawn smiled absently at them as Charlie beamed lovingly and asked her, "How is it that you're even cuter in PJs?"

She smiled at him, unable to muster up a response as she let him guide her closer to the counter, away from the fridge and out of Shawn's way.

He's so sweet; so good to you, of all people! The perfect prince charming! What's the matter with you? If you weren't so screwed up, you could actually learn to like him! He doesn't deserve to be treated like this, and if this is how you're going to treat him, you don't deserve him!

Over a month. For as long as Lucas and Maya had been dating each other, Riley had been dating Charlie Gardner.

She just wanted it to stop.

"I'm just," she smiled at him – her boyfriend – knowing that her exhaustion was showing in her face. "I'm sorry, but I'm just really… tired."

She was starting to hate that word and its utter inadequacy, but she just didn't know how else to phrase it. She'd been so strong, she'd been everyone else's "fixer" for so long, she was putting their feelings first even now – because it was becoming so obvious to her that they were so much better than her – that she was exhausted in ways that she couldn't even begin to describe. "Tired" had nothing on how she was actually feeling, but she didn't know how else to describe it.

She had to get away from this group of people before they started to realize just how weak and messed up she really was. "I think that I'm going to go to bed early, if you don't mind."

"Of course not," Charlie assured her, kissing her on the cheek and releasing his hold on her waist – but not before she saw the disappointment in his eyes.

You're hurting him again. You don't deserve him; you're not good enough for Charlie Gardner!

Riley turned her back to him before he saw the tears turning her eyes glassy and he went back to his seat in the living room as she muttered, "Thanks."

Maya laughed then, declaring affectionately, "You are an awful New Yorker, Lucas!"

"Yeah," Riley wasn't even looking at them, but she could still hear the goofily loud kiss Lucas gave Maya before he declared, "But I'm your New Yorker, and you love me anyway."

"I do," Maya announced.

Tired, tired, tired. Just do it; none of them will ever miss you! Remember how happy they are! And their confidence! When have you ever had any of that? Just do it and get it over with. It's not like things are going to get any better for you… They wouldn't even want to help you if they could really see how broken and useless you really are! Put yourself out of your own misery before you start to make them miserable too…

No one even noticed when she slipped a kitchen knife into the pocket of her shorts.