CHAPTER 1
"How to Lick Carpet: A Perverted Guide to the Intricacies of Third Base for the Man That Rarely Scores. Now with seventy five percent more detailed pictures of the human vagina! AWESOME!" Copper read the title of his book out loud. After spending nearly fourteen years at Mahogany Gym, Copper has adopted some of the perverted mannerisms of his master Gold (if you read the first Golden Flames, Copper is now 24). He flipped through all the instructional pages and went directly for the vagina pictures. Instead of getting the pleasure he desired he felt only disgust. He tossed the book aside.
"There's a limit to how close up you get to a bat cave to take a picture. The driveway is great and everything but sometimes it could be friggin disgusting... I need a drink..." Gold and Copper are the only employees at the Mahogany Gym, with Gold as the leader. They both became Pokemon League Champions when they were younger so most trainers knew to stay away from the gym. Things could get really boring...
Unfortunately for Copper the phone started ringing. On the other line was Gold's quick to anger, overly controlling wife, Crystal.
"Copper? Did Gold get his ass out of bed yet?"
"Um... well... uh..." Copper stuttered. Gold was in bed with a hangover. He was supposed to be moving to Hoenn with his family today. "Uh... he left an hour ago," he lied.
"Are you lying to me?"
"Yes. I mean no!"
"Hmm... fine. I believe you. But if I don't see Gold in the next hour Mr. Chainsaw comes out of the closet. GOT IT?!" Copper gulped hard. He knew better then to anger Mr. Chainsaw.
"U-U-U- UNDERSTOOD SIR!"
"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME!?"
"I MEAN MA'AM!"
"GOOD! Now get to your job! What do you think we're paying you for?" With that, she hung up on him.
"But you guys don't pay me... Controlling bitch!" Copper slammed the phone back down. "But if I don't do what she says Mr. Chainsaw will have his stabby way with me (That right there is a perfect example of an innuendo)... GOLD! GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED! WE'RE GONNA DIE IF YOU DON'T!"
Copper sprinted down the various halls of the gym until he found Gold's room. Gold slept contently inside. Copper kicked the door down and took off his boot. He tossed it at the back of Gold's head.
"OW!" Gold shouted as he woke up. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR YOU MOTHERFU-." Copper pushed Gold out of bed.
"We don't have time for this! Mr. Chainsaw's coming if you don't get to Hoenn now!"
"MR. CHAINSAW!? HOLY CRAP!" Gold took a roll of keys off his dresser and handed them to Copper. "Take care of the gym for me. I'M OUT OF HERE!" Gold sprinted towards the front door.
"Gold wait! You're not wearing any pants!"
"PANTS ARE FOR THE WEAK MINDED!"
MEANWHILE...
Gold and Crystal's daughter Sapphire was forced to ride in the back of the delivery truck while her brothers got to ride in their new car. To relieve the boredom Crystal gave Saph her Blissey to play with. Sapphire challenged Blissey to a game of Checkers and was losing badly.
"Blissey!" It cried while pointing to the back wall of the truck. Sapphire turned around to see what it was. Blissey swiped a bunch of Saph's pieces while she wasn't looking.
"Hey... you stole my pieces you little bitch!" Sapphire shouted. "Don't pretend I didn't see you either!" Blissey had pulled on its innocent angel routine. "MOM!"
The truck and front car were completely connected. In order to talk to her Mom Sapphire just had to open the window that separated the two cars.
"Mom! Your stupid Blissey cheats at checkers!"
"I've known Blissey since I was a baby. It would never cheat at anything."
"Are you blind? That thing hates me! I think it might even be trying to kill me!"
"Oh boy, not another one of your insane theories..."
"They're not theories! They're facts that everybody overlooks because they're ignorant!" Sapphire was right about Blissey. It pulled two knives from the pouch on its stomach and crept up behind her. Saph turned around to look at Blissey but Blissey had already returned to checker's board so Sapphire didn't suspect anything.
"Sapphire, please, no more theories for today. I'm stressed out over this trip to Hoenn."
"I told you that they're not theories! They are all facts! Like how Santa Claus is the devil because the letters in Santa rearranges to make Satan and how dentists numb you so they can molest you when you're high off laughing gas or-." Crystal slammed the window in her daughter's face, causing her to fall back on Blissey who was trying to murder her again. Blissey dropped it's knives on the ground.
"HAH! You are trying to kill me! Wait until Mom busts your ass you pink turd!" She returned Blissey back to her ball. She was about to show her Mom the knives but the car took a sharp turn. This caused a couch to slide out of place and slammed it Sapphire's side thus knocking her unconscious in the process.
She lied there until they had finally reached their new house in Hoenn. Crystal got out of the front car and opened the back door of the truck to find her daughter knocked out.
"HOLY CRAP! SAPPHIRE, ARE YOU ALRIGHT!"
"Blissey... must... die..." She said just before she passed out again.
"Blissey must die? Oh, not that again... Boys?" She said referring to her two elder sons, Gold and Silver Junior. Now, if you're new to the party let me explain something important. Gold Jr. and Silver Jr. are actually clones of the original ones. Yes. Clones. You need to read the other story to understand that part. Just know that due to a cloning error they were born as four year old versions of the originals that grew as regular boys. Don't strain your brain over it. Okay?
"Yeah Mom?" They said in unison. They had gotten to the house before them.
"I need to make sure those Vigoroths put our stuff in the right places. Could you go wake up your sister?" She left the three of them alone and walked inside the house.
"How the hell are we supposed to wake her up?" Gold Jr. asked.
"My simple older brother of three minutes, have you no sense of humor?" Silver said in a poetic fashion.
"You know I have as much of a sense of humor as you do. And quit talking like that. It's kind of creepy..."
"Whatever. Now think for a moment. Our psychotic little sister of thirteen years is unconscious."
"STOP SAYING 'OF' AFTER YOU SAY OUR NAMES!"
"Okay, okay! Geez! Some people have no sense of good English... Anyway, instead of waking her up let's leave her like this."
"Why?"
"I've got a plan. Let's leave her in the middle of a park or something. And then we find an empty beer bottle and leave it in her hand to make her look like she had too much to drink. Then we wait until some dirty pervert touches her uh... parts while she's asleep."
"How is that funny?" Gold said sounding slightly disgusted at his brother.
"It's funny because since she's not drunk she'll immediately wake up and kick the guy in the balls!"
"That plan is stupid, underhanded, dishonorable and deliciously mischievous... I LOVE IT! LET'S GO!" Silver lifted her by the armpits and Gold lifted her by her feet. Instead of a park they dropped her off at the grassy knoll in the middle of town.
"Okay. Now go swipe some liquor off some hobo dude," Silver commanded. Gold found one across the street. He marched up to him without fear.
"Hello homeless person. My name is Gold and I want to take that liquor you bought instead of saving your money to buy a house."
"You've got some nerve kid! Oh, if I was still young and in the army I'd show you a thing or two about coming up to someone who's down on his luck like that!"
"Teach me what? How to get shot by someone on my own side?"
"Yes. I MEAN NO!"
"Whatever. I was never in the army but I have attended a woman's defense program. You know what we do there?"
"What?"
"WE KICK 'EM IN THE BALLS!" Gold said and did at the same time. The poor hobo fell to the ground in pain.
"MY FRIGGIN' TWIG AND BERRIES!" Gold stole his beer and ran back to his brother.
"Manipulating poor people is fun!"
"Manipulating perverts is even more fun! Let's hide in those bushes over there! Those idiots over there with the weird hair look pretty horny."
The horny idiots with weird hair were walking towards Sapphire. The one in the lead had white hair going down to his shoulders and his name is Ruby. The other one had bright green hair and his name was Terry (HE IS NOT WALLY).
"Okay Perry let me introduce myself. My name is Ruby and I'll be your mentor as long as this foreign exchange program at school lasts. I feel it is my duty to show you the ways of the modern ways of the world. Things are much more complex then whatever third world country you came from. Any questions?"
"Uh... yes. First-a off, are you-a high? You already-id, introduced yourself at your-a house. I am not here-a for school. I'm here to get a pokemons from your fasha (father) Professor Birch. And I do-a not come from a third world country. I come-a from the desert on Route 111, you complete jackass! And my name's not Perry!" Terry said in a heavily set accent.
"I'm not high. I'm just forgetful. Now what was I saying before you started bitching in a foreign language? Oh yeah! I was teaching you the ways of the world. Let's start off with girls. You do know what girls are right?"
"Yes."
"Good. Without girls we wouldn't exist. With girls the survival of the human race flourishes. That is why we have to keep having sex with them or we'll die."
"Oooh, dying is bad. How-a do we acquire this 'sex' of which you speak of?" Even though Terry isn't from a third world country he's still clueless about the world outside the desert.
"Let me show you. Check it out! There's a drunk chick over there. Now Terry, I know this might come to you as a shock but women outside of your country don't hide their faces in rags. They are allowed to be as free and as slutty as they want. That is why I'll at least put this bandanna over head to make you feel at home." Ruby pulled a red pokeball styled bandana out of his pocket. He tied it around the back of Saph's head.
"Hey Silver, why is he putting a bandana on Saph?"
"I don't know. Maybe it's some kind of pervert trick."
"HOW DARE YOU!?" Terry shouted at Ruby. "I am-a not a Muslim. My people's women wear sand veils to protect themselves from the sun! They don't cover their faces. And for the last time-a I am not foreign you Muslim thumping bitch!" Ruby ignored Terry's cries of disgust and continued his lecture.
"Watch and be amazed my foreign friend! I shall start the demonstration."
"I'm-a not... oh what's the point..." Terry had given up on piercing Ruby's thick skull.
"To start the sex process, you first grab a handful of boobie and then-." Sapphire woke up the second he touched her.
"DIE PERVERT!" She got up and gave Ruby a crushing blow to the jaw. Terry stepped back and away from Ruby just in time to catch the teeth that flew out of his friend's mouth. "HOLY KICK TO THE NUTS ATTACK!" Saph gave Ruby a super powerful kick to the...
"MY SHARPEDO AND CARVHANAS! GOD DAMN IT!" Ruby cursed as he grabbed said area.
"Oh, I'm-a amazed alright. Amazed at how much you suck," Terry remarked as Sapphire beat the flying shit out of Ruby. After Ruby was beaten to a bloody pulp, Sapphire looked around for her brothers, completely forgetting that Terry was even there.
"Where are you guys? I know you two pinheads did this and when I find YOU WILL DIE!" Sapphire ran off in the opposite direction of her brothers, who were now pissing themselves with laughter at Ruby's expense.
Sapphire ran out too far. She ran to the outskirts of town and into the forest.
"Flying crap, I'm lost..." She was about to turn back when she heard a pokemon scream out in the distance.
"TRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" She ran towards the disturbance. A large poorly shaven man was carrying a green lizard pokemon in his fist. The pokemon was trying to escape with all its might but couldn't free himself from the man's firm grasp. The man used rope to tie the Treecko down to a tree stump.
"Hey! That's cruelty to pokemon buster!"
"Huh? Cruelty? To a pokemon? Never! I'm a pokemon researcher!"
"And I'm the poorly understood heroine of this story! Now tell me who you are and why you're oppressing that uh... uh... what is that thing?" Sapphire and her brothers have lived in Johto for most of their lives. They knew nothing of Hoenn pokemon.
"I'm Prof. Birch. That's a Treecko. It's one of the three starter pokemon of Hoenn. I'm trying to monitor this one's behavior so I can make sure it doesn't kill the trainer I give it to but it keeps destroying my tracking devices. That's why I need it like this. I'm gonna stick the tracker in a place it can't get to."
"Where? In its ear?"
"Lower."
"It's back?"
"Above the legs but below the tail."
"Oh. EWW!"
"Eww's right. Could you look after it while I get the tracker from my bag?" He strolled away to find his bag. Sapphire felt bad for the pokemon so she pulled out an empty poke ball from her pocket.
"If you don't like metal stuff up your butt then get inside this ball," she whispered to the Treecko. Treecko weighed its options. Pokemon speak in parenthesis.
(I could either stay here and get butt raped or get inside that ball and become that girl's slave for all eternity... either way I'm screwed so I pick neither!) The Treecko broke free of its ropes. A car was skidding through the forest towards Sapphire and the Treecko. Treecko didn't see the car until it was too late and got hit full force by the car's front fender.
"Hey Saph, what the hell are you doing here?" Gold (senior) said stepping out of the car. "Holy crap! Did I just hit that little lizard thing?"