all that we aren't

-another moment gone-

I remember when I was young and stupid.

I remember being so small that seeing over the kitchen counter was difficult.

I remember it all.

--

From the moment I finally built the courage to just grasp your hand in mine, and the funny—almost awkward—lacing our fingers together fix, was too unforgettable. The gentle way you gripped my hands or the way simple routine we rotated into.

I almost forgot all about the feelings of sadness, anger, annoyance, disappointment, and fear. I forgot all about that bad stuff.

I remember the way we would walk and talk and just laugh as the sun would begin its journey down and the moon would proudly take its stance. I remember the way your eyes would shine even through the pouring rain, and the way we jammed our hands into our pockets awkwardly to keep warm.

Or the way you'd stand behind me and I would force myself to resist the urge to leaning against you.

I remember the way you smiled when I said something and the way our hands would swing back and forth...back and forth they'd swing. The way they laced together so naturally and so simply that it become comforting.

I remember the way we would stop, mid step, and just hold hands and rest each others heads on each others shoulders and let the world just carry on while we lived in that one moment. I remember the free feelings that are still intact in my mind. The feelings I felt for you, seemed so strong and real that I felt as though they were tangible and if you let yourself, you'd fall too.

I remember so much—too much perhaps.

–

It started with simple attractions that neither of us could deny, or voice. It was simply undeniable. I know you felt it too.

I know you felt something, even through your sick jokes, your unfair games, and your amazing lies. If you didn't, we wouldn't be where we are now three years later.

I like the way you flip your hair and the way your eyes scrunch up when you're laughing. I like the way you have such a strong persona and from the moment I first saw you, I knew that you would be something incredible.

I like the way when you do look at me, I feel trapped and escaping all at the same time. I like the way your eyes are so memorizing and your voice is so calming and sweet.

I like the way you're so good at hiding everything you feel or may go through. A mask that nobody can take off of you. I think it's silly how I hope I can be the one you let in. I like the way you can be serious.

I guess I just like you.

But I really like the idea that you like me.

-

It's troubling for you, to be structured and not knowing the outcome of something. I know it scares you. I know you well. I know you don't like to over think too much because it might make you go insane or just lose control.

You like being in control.

I know it makes it challenging to feel something too strongly. I know you hate that. I know you're terrified of love, which I find silly and understandable.

It's scary—love. But when you feel it, it's a strong sense of feeling secure. It's serene almost. But if you don't let yourself to love, and just lose control, then you'll never understand the best part about it.

I know you love the fact that I'm always here for you.

I know you know you feel something, but you keep denying it.

I know you hate how obsessive love can be.

I know you hate love—period.

But I also know that if I were to die tomorrow, I would be on your mind with the following years to come. I know you'd see my smile behind your closed lids, or hear my laughter in your dreams, almost palpable. I know you'd picture my many different expressions when you've hurt me, and regret them.

And despite all your denials,

I know you'd miss me.

–

So maybe that's why you say we'll never work. Maybe that's how you want it to be, no you and me, no me and you, or youme or meyou. None of that none sense.

And maybe, just maybe [even if] we can't make up our minds. Maybe this is [not] what we want.

But sometimes we gotta fall apart to come back together. I guess this is all that we are, [which isn't enough] that leads us to all that we can't be, and are not.

sorry 'bout the lack of updates.

i'll get my act together...

eventually.

until then,
xoxo,
-another moment gone-