Unwound
Chapter 1: Olivia's Diary
July 10
My name is Olivia Benson; I am a detective of the 16th precinct with the Special Victims Unit, in Manhattan. My partner for eleven years is Elliot Stabler. My Captain is Donald Cragen and the two other detectives I work with are John Munch and Odafin Tutuola. I guess you could say we're kinda like a dysfunctional but loving family. My only family. Everyone else on the team has someone else, someone to celebrate birthdays and holidays with. Sure, I date but I don't have anything remotely like a relationship. I have discovered I need an outlet for stuff, rather than keeping it inside my head and my heart so I end up not sleeping and drinking coffee so I'm not dozing off in the middle of an interrogation or briefing or even a date. So, I decided on a diary. I can't talk to anyone else at work, because they already know, I can't talk outside of work because they don't understand. No-one ever understands.
I guess today was the worst of this week. There was this kid, only 7 years old, being molested by her older brother, who was only 13. She told me she wanted to die because he would come after her and hurt her again. I told her he was in jail and couldn't hurt her again. The perps seem to be getting younger every day, how long before a 5 year old gets a record? I feel emotionally drained. I don't know why after eleven years I still care so much. No wonder I can't manage a steady long term relationship. As Elliot said a few years back, he's the longest relationship I've had with a man.
I think the root of my problem is my mother's rape. After meeting my brother, Simon, I've started doubting my mother's version of the night of my conception. He kept track of me. What rapist keeps clippings of the child he forced my mother to have? I don't think I'll ever have an answer for that one.
July 14
Today Huang suggested therapy for PTSD after I told him about Sealview. He knows about Gitano and all the other crap that's happened in my job. In my life. Yeah, like I need someone to tell me I'm crazy, that I should quit. No, that's not fair, he was only trying to help. I do it to myself anyway. Thinking about it again brings it all back. Then the face of every victim goes through my head. The ones we saved and the ones we didn't, we couldn't. Especially them. Those who would never have justice, or a proper life. I don't think therapy could help. This job screws everyone up. No wonder the guys have all divorced. I guess their wives couldn't take it. Except Elliot and Kathy. The only reason they stayed together was because of Eli. I saved Eli and Kathy. About the only good thing I can remember doing right now. Every rapist/child molester/perp we put away, there's always more to take their place. I just feel maybe it's all for nothing. That, at the end of the day, we don't make a difference.
July 20th
Another overnight surveillance job. I am so tired but I can't sleep. This happens too much. I need to start getting more sleep I'm not as young and energetic as I used to be. I guess it's all catching up on me. This guy is so secret and careful, we're practically going to have to catch him in the act.
Elliot keeps looking at his watch, then at the gas meter, then his cell. I decided to break the silence "Stop it, you're making me nervous" I said.
"Sorry" came the gruff reply. Why is he so distant lately? He glances every now and again at me writing but I have a plan, Elliot Stabler cannot read my writing if it is miniscule and I turn it away from him, discreetly. Ha! I don't think he noticed.
"Why are you writing in your diary about me?" he asks suddenly out of the blue.
"That's between me and the diary." I retorted. He smirks and goes back to his agitated looking back and forth between the clock, cell, gas meter and out at the warehouse where the perp entered.
Bored, bored, bored. Bored like a lemon. Why did Elliot suddenly tense up? There's no movement outside and I didn't hear anything. "Elliot" I say "What is it?"
"Nothing" the reply came.
"Elliot, you're tense."
"Yeah what do you expect? This guy is a sneaky little bastard who deserves to has his b-"
"Elliot" There's movement, finally some action. "Elliot," I say again "Should we get out or just wait? Should we radio Cragen?"
"Do that then we'll go. I'm not letting this SOB get away with another attack."
I radioed Cragen, he said wait for backup. He told us not to move until backup got there unless the vic was in grave danger and backup couldn't wait. He told us. Elliot was impatient. Backup was on its way, I kept assuring him. I didn't expect him to grab his gun and badge and indicate I follow him. I signalled no.
I said "No, Cragen told us to wait for backup" he wouldn't listen. Elliot Stabler was being stubborn and impatient as usual. "Elliot, I'm sick of waiting too but we have to wait. We will lose our jobs this time if we go against protocol yet again."
He sat quiet for a moment then said "Screw protocol" and, before I could stop him he was out of the car advancing towards the suspect.
I had to follow, I always have Elliot's back, and he's always got mine. Suddenly a scream erupted into the night's sky we ran to the door and I realised we were going in without backup yet again and this time I didn't think Cragen would save our asses yet again. IAB was going to have a field day with this one. Elliot was right though. 'screw protocol.' Protocol isn't in place for the perps, they don't have rules and regulations. They won't stop being criminals for breaking rules, that's what they do. They couldn't care less about the law. Yet we have to wait for backup when someone could be dying, so I could see Elliot's point.
Screw protocol.
July 25th
Nicole McAdams was the vic's name. We saved her from being raped and murdered. We got in just as he was straddling her in the chair pulling off her shirt. There had been two of the victims who had survived and both picked him out from a lineup, along with Nicole. Trial is on August 2nd unless he pleads down. If he admits to the other rapes and the murders, he may get parole in twenty years. By that time the guy will be over sixty and I doubt he'll be granted parole, given his sheet.
On an upside Nicole is doing well and is receiving support. I feel reassured because of it. I told her just because he didn't rape her, doesn't mean she's not a victim. Like me. Sealview. Finn I know why you hit me, you couldn't break cover. I want to tell him I forgive him but I'm not ready to think about Sealview yet, to deal with it.
August 1st
The trial is tomorrow. I have to appear as a witness. I've done it so many times before, so why, every time, do I get nervous about it? It's my job, yet I feel uncomfortable. In this job I learned to keep my emotions in check, to cover them if needs be. That's how I keep my cool in court.
August 19th
I felt like KILLING Elliot today. How dare he! The very thought of it makes me feel sick. I just am so mad at him right now. His suggestion that I can't find someone to have a proper relationship with because I hate men because of what happened to my mother. Well, I guess he kinda has a point. No! I cannot believe I would agree with him on this.
Well, as I kindly reminded him, he isn't exactly the best person to be handing out relationship advice when I guess he kinda needs it himself. Eli and the others would be better off if Kathy and Elliot just accepted they weren't going to work anymore. I think Kathy and Elliot would be happier as well. They may also be on friendlier terms. I guess I'm wrong, as usual and Elliot, as always, clearly knows best. Might I add sarcasm is so hard to get across when writing. I guess it doesn't matter, no-one is going to read my diary. What would be the point?
August 21st
I guess Elliot was right, yet another boyfriend, gone. He apparently couldn't shake the feeling I wasn't working half the time I said I was, but seeing someone else. I reminded him, my job is incredibly demanding and I told him at the start that if he couldn't handle it, then he shouldn't go along with it so far to let me fall.
At least today I got off so I have the day to myself. Who knows, I could always call Dean or Kurt up see if they wanna give things another go. Nah, I'd rather kill myself. Summer is almost over, I feel like I wanna sleep already and it's only noon. I guess whoever it was, was right. One day I'll just crash and burn. I think a day off is a good time to spend preventing said crash 'n' burn.
August 27th
Next week people will be beginning to return to work. Kids to school. My summer consisted of the odd day here and there. I guess that's why I'm currently single. I take on too much at work that my personal life suffers. I feel bad so I take on more work. Yeah the point about crashing and burning- it is so happening soon.
I need to relax, to unwind.
I'm all wound up.
I need to be unwound.
Unwound.
##################
Hey what do you think?
Yay or nay?
Should I continue?
I'll only know if you review.
There it is
The little button
So easy to press it
So easy to write a wee review
go on
you know you want to