Stalker
p"Bye, mom. I'll be back around midnight"
p"Sure honey"
pMidnight! Can you believe that little- She never stayed out with me that late. Whats her new guy got that I haven't?
pShe's humming some crazy pap song, and dancing (dancing!) as she goes to the Jetta. Luckily she can't see me, I'm under a tarp on her backseat. OK, so I may be taking this whole keeping an eye on Maria thing a bit too far, but I care about her- She's my life, my-
p"So, Maria, what song tonight? I know-" She claps her hands (since when does she do that?!) and puts a CD in her crappy CD player, before starting the car.
p"#...Every single day, every time I pray, I'll be watching you"
pGod, eighties pop?! Glad to see her taste in music is as tacky as ever. Damn, I knew I should've brought those earplugs!
pShe drives for at least an hour. I know because I sort of borrowed Max's watch- OK- I stole it, but hey, I'll give it back, eventually. It's not like he uses it much or anything! It's eight O'clock now and when I push the tarp out a little to see where we are, it's really dark.
pWhere the Hell is she going?
pThe only person I know who lives this far out is- Alex, oh my God, she's seeing Alex!
p"Ow" I hiss, trying not to blow my cover as Maria stops the car suddenly.
pWhat is it about blondes and cars, by the way?
pEverything's quiet and I look at the watch again- Still only eight. She's probably waiting for dorkman to pack his lunchbox, or something stupid like that.
God, that's funny! Alex with a lunchbox! Knowing him, it'll probably have all the basic food groups, too. I'm totally cracking myself up. Thank Goodness I've perfected the art of laughing silently. Else I'd be in trouble now-
p"You're wasting valuable make out time here!"
pShe sounds bored, and taps the steering wheel impatiently. I can't help snickering. Alex so doesn't have a clue. Unlike me of course. I am the master of-
p"Michael, don't play dumb with me. I know you're in there, so come out now!"
pWhat the-Damn!
pStupid. I am so darn tooting totally dumb. Whoever said Alex, King of the land of geek, could pull this off is a moron- You hear that Maria? You are a *moron*
pI am no spy hell I'm not even an eavesdropper, so why the hell am I sitting outside Isabel's room watching her make out with Grant, with a telescope of all things? By the way, gotta ask Maria where she got that-
p "Oh Grant baby, yes!"
pI want to leave. I really do, believe me, I get absolutely no satisfaction seeing her hands all over, and I mean *all* over his crinkly old body- She never did that to me. The closest we ever got to making out was when I stayed over after the whole 'help me I'm pregnant' scare last year.
pSo why can't I leave?
p "Isabelle I think we should go further tonight"
pOK, maybe I can leave-
p "No"
pDecisive, I'm impressed. Maybe I can stay a little longer, I mean it's not like I have anywhere to go, right?
p "Why not?"
p "I- We- er- we don't have condoms"
pShe's reaching. Dammit, if I weren't such a pacifist I'd snap this telescope in half and shove it down her throat! How can she, miss Isabelle Ice princess, sound so vulnerable, so unsure, so damn sexy-
p "I already told you, we don't have to worry about that. I had a vasectomy"
pPlease, excuse me while I gag.
p "Still-"
p "Isabel I love you"
pNo you don't you little shit! Loving someone means letting the go when they need a little space, or stroking their hair as they cry in your arms, or- or wearing a thong for the entire day just for that one smile-
p "I love you too-"
pMy chest hurts.
p "So, what's the problem?"
pI wonder if the Crashdown's still open, maybe Liz or Maria could give me a little TLC or a Galaxy Melt or something-
p "There's no problem, I just don't want to have sex with you"
pWill Maria be mad if I leave this tele- wait, did I just hear Ice Princess Evans? I believe I- Ooh! She's glaring at him! Grant, you are in so much shit now boy!
p "What's wrong with you now?"
pWhat's wrong with Isabel? Why you little- What's wrong with you more like!
p "There's nothing wrong with me Grant, I just- No wait, I don't need to explain myself to you. Get out"
pThat's the permanently premenstrual alien I know and worship from afar!
p "But Is-"
pI thought thirty year olds didn't whine!
p "Now Grant!
pShe's shouting! Wow she's shouting, if I didn't think she'd roast me, I'd jump right in through that window and kiss her senseless!
p "Fine, but don't expect me to take you back"
p "Good"
pHe's leaving. Wow, he even took those roses with him, talk about cheap, and dumb and- wait, she's climbing through the window, and- why's it gottan so dark, what-
p "Alex, what a pleasant surprise-"
pOh Oh. Her voice is coming directly above me, and- Damn! I knew I shouldn't have done my happy Alex dance!
pBlue and pink and white and black- suddenly my hand freezes midway in the air, and I have to blink several times before I can see straight again. Liz has black panties? Since when? And why hasn't Maria told me about them yet? Damn it, and that girl calls herself a friend!
p"OK so Maxie, which will be this time, the pink or the black?" I'm drooling just at the sight of those silky, barely there, stringy- yes Liz wears thongs- almost see through- I have to have them God damn it! Restraint and un-Max like behaviour can just go fly outta the window cus I-
p"Goodnight Mom!"
pShit, is it six already? I instinctively turn to my trusted Rolex, but find it's missing- Michael must have taken it. Damn Damn, I need a place to hide, anywhere, so Liz doesn't find me and try to poke my eyes out with her diary pen! Where can I hide? Where- the closet, yes!
p"Goodnight Dad!"
pLiz shouts at her Dad just as I manage to fly into her pink papered closet- who papers closets anyway, by the way- I still have her satiny black p-Ooh just saying the word, makes me drool, and-
p"Great they're asleep, get inside quickly!"
pWhat? Who's she talking to? Maria? Alex? K- Please let it be Maria God, I'm begging you!
p"Sure"
pPaulie? My Lizzie's secretly seeing Paulie? I feel so crushed, so unmistakenbly heartbroken- OK you got me, there is no way on God's green Earth Lizzie would fool around with Mr 'I ate my gym shorts for a dare' Paulie. She's probably just tutoring him or something equally as Biology based- Still, keeping the door open a little won't hurt-
"So, what did you want help on again?"
See? I so love being right! Maybe when he's gone, I'll sneak out while Lizzie's taking her shower and then- I can't help grinning as I remember the matching black bra to the panties in my hand-
"Reproduction"
Yeah well you can't have Lizzie's panties feeling lonely now can we? I- Back up! Did he say reproduction? Paulie wants my Lizzie to teach him about *reproduction*? Why that little-
"There're many types of reproduction Paulie, you'll have to be a little more specific"
Is it me or is Lizzie's voice deepening? OK, I have to check this out, Paulie better not be hitting on my- Wow, she's wearing leather pants! OK, Max focus! There'll be plenty of time to ogle her tight leather enveloped- Focus!
"Got you, you little pervert!"
Ow, my ear! Ow! It hurts, stop Liz, s- OK, it was a set up, Paulie's not here, just Liz, and Tess- I knew I'd rue the day I encouraged them to become friends!
"Liz I'm sorry, I can explain the panties honest!"
Golden hair, dazzling green eyes, a smile to warm even the coldest of hearts- God, even when she's asleep, Tess looks like an ancient Greek goddess- maybe Aphrodite, or Medusa, or Xena-
Yeah, I can definitely see her in leather, maybe a even a tin breastplate, or-
"Kyle, don't stop!"
Yes she's dreaming about me again!
"What am I doing sweetheart?" I whisper in her ear, trying not to pant too much and wake her up. I bet I have this huge smirk on my face, which I know would probably have me killed if she was awake, but still- what my little Tessie doesn't know won't hurt her. OK, so technically she's not mine, but I can dream can't I? Taking about dreams she's moaning again- I love it when girls moan, but when its about me- OK Kyle pay attention! A voice remarkably like my remedial science teacher screams in my head, and I instantly lean closer to her full pink lips, so I can hear-
"God yes, don't stop!"
She flips onto her back, and I have to scramble off the bed so she won't hit me. OK, she's never moaned that loudly before, what the hec am I doing in that dirty little mind of hers? By the way I mean dirty in the sexiest of senses-
"Yes!"
Oh my God, she's arching! God, she's never arched before! I think I'm gonna need a cold- What the hell is she doing with her mouth?! Oh Buddha, if you care about me even one little bit, have her stop doing that- else- I'm- God I don't know how long I can stand without touching her, and if I touch her she'll- Lets just say it'll be the humpty dumpty massacre all over again, and this time no amount of maxs'd put me back together-
"Oh yes! My- Kyle wow, you're so-"
"Yes? I'm so what? Tess?" I lean forward on my elbows until my lips are barely grazing her ear lobe. She has such pretty ears, unlike Dumbo Liz, or Vulcun Maria, or Will Smith Max, or-
"I want you"
I have never heard a woman say those words to me so- so- passionately, and a part of me just wants to howl and jump up and act like Alex after the whole Napstar thing, which I still don't fully understand by the way, but I can't wake her up. Damn it, why can't she scream like that when she's awake, and wearing my sweatshirts, covered in baby oil and- Man I am such a wuss, there's a girl right in front of me who dreams of sex- KYLE SEX- and what do I do? I imagine her in baby oil instead of taking her in my arms and- OK, I have no idea what to do after the whole taking her in my arms part, but I could fumble- Right?
"Kyle-"
She has her eyes screwed tight, and her mouth- Her mouth is wide open and I can see almost all the way down to her tonsils. Screw Football, I want to be an orthadontist, and have Tess as my one and only customer-
"Tess" I whisper in her ear, breathlessly like I usually do when she dreams about me (which I have to say has become almost an everyday occurrence since the whole human disappearing act thing), but instead of letting out a long throaty and incredibly husky moan, she wraps her arms around my neck, and not in a sweet 'I want to chain you to my bed for eternity' way either. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear she was squeezing, but she'd only do that if she-
"Well, well, if this isn't a surprise-"
She squeezes harder, and- Oh My God I can't breathe!
"Sorry, Tess- I can explain you see there's this assignment on dream analysis for pysch and I- Ow!"
p"Bye, mom. I'll be back around midnight"
p"Sure honey"
pMidnight! Can you believe that little- She never stayed out with me that late. Whats her new guy got that I haven't?
pShe's humming some crazy pap song, and dancing (dancing!) as she goes to the Jetta. Luckily she can't see me, I'm under a tarp on her backseat. OK, so I may be taking this whole keeping an eye on Maria thing a bit too far, but I care about her- She's my life, my-
p"So, Maria, what song tonight? I know-" She claps her hands (since when does she do that?!) and puts a CD in her crappy CD player, before starting the car.
p"#...Every single day, every time I pray, I'll be watching you"
pGod, eighties pop?! Glad to see her taste in music is as tacky as ever. Damn, I knew I should've brought those earplugs!
pShe drives for at least an hour. I know because I sort of borrowed Max's watch- OK- I stole it, but hey, I'll give it back, eventually. It's not like he uses it much or anything! It's eight O'clock now and when I push the tarp out a little to see where we are, it's really dark.
pWhere the Hell is she going?
pThe only person I know who lives this far out is- Alex, oh my God, she's seeing Alex!
p"Ow" I hiss, trying not to blow my cover as Maria stops the car suddenly.
pWhat is it about blondes and cars, by the way?
pEverything's quiet and I look at the watch again- Still only eight. She's probably waiting for dorkman to pack his lunchbox, or something stupid like that.
God, that's funny! Alex with a lunchbox! Knowing him, it'll probably have all the basic food groups, too. I'm totally cracking myself up. Thank Goodness I've perfected the art of laughing silently. Else I'd be in trouble now-
p"You're wasting valuable make out time here!"
pShe sounds bored, and taps the steering wheel impatiently. I can't help snickering. Alex so doesn't have a clue. Unlike me of course. I am the master of-
p"Michael, don't play dumb with me. I know you're in there, so come out now!"
pWhat the-Damn!
pStupid. I am so darn tooting totally dumb. Whoever said Alex, King of the land of geek, could pull this off is a moron- You hear that Maria? You are a *moron*
pI am no spy hell I'm not even an eavesdropper, so why the hell am I sitting outside Isabel's room watching her make out with Grant, with a telescope of all things? By the way, gotta ask Maria where she got that-
p "Oh Grant baby, yes!"
pI want to leave. I really do, believe me, I get absolutely no satisfaction seeing her hands all over, and I mean *all* over his crinkly old body- She never did that to me. The closest we ever got to making out was when I stayed over after the whole 'help me I'm pregnant' scare last year.
pSo why can't I leave?
p "Isabelle I think we should go further tonight"
pOK, maybe I can leave-
p "No"
pDecisive, I'm impressed. Maybe I can stay a little longer, I mean it's not like I have anywhere to go, right?
p "Why not?"
p "I- We- er- we don't have condoms"
pShe's reaching. Dammit, if I weren't such a pacifist I'd snap this telescope in half and shove it down her throat! How can she, miss Isabelle Ice princess, sound so vulnerable, so unsure, so damn sexy-
p "I already told you, we don't have to worry about that. I had a vasectomy"
pPlease, excuse me while I gag.
p "Still-"
p "Isabel I love you"
pNo you don't you little shit! Loving someone means letting the go when they need a little space, or stroking their hair as they cry in your arms, or- or wearing a thong for the entire day just for that one smile-
p "I love you too-"
pMy chest hurts.
p "So, what's the problem?"
pI wonder if the Crashdown's still open, maybe Liz or Maria could give me a little TLC or a Galaxy Melt or something-
p "There's no problem, I just don't want to have sex with you"
pWill Maria be mad if I leave this tele- wait, did I just hear Ice Princess Evans? I believe I- Ooh! She's glaring at him! Grant, you are in so much shit now boy!
p "What's wrong with you now?"
pWhat's wrong with Isabel? Why you little- What's wrong with you more like!
p "There's nothing wrong with me Grant, I just- No wait, I don't need to explain myself to you. Get out"
pThat's the permanently premenstrual alien I know and worship from afar!
p "But Is-"
pI thought thirty year olds didn't whine!
p "Now Grant!
pShe's shouting! Wow she's shouting, if I didn't think she'd roast me, I'd jump right in through that window and kiss her senseless!
p "Fine, but don't expect me to take you back"
p "Good"
pHe's leaving. Wow, he even took those roses with him, talk about cheap, and dumb and- wait, she's climbing through the window, and- why's it gottan so dark, what-
p "Alex, what a pleasant surprise-"
pOh Oh. Her voice is coming directly above me, and- Damn! I knew I shouldn't have done my happy Alex dance!
pBlue and pink and white and black- suddenly my hand freezes midway in the air, and I have to blink several times before I can see straight again. Liz has black panties? Since when? And why hasn't Maria told me about them yet? Damn it, and that girl calls herself a friend!
p"OK so Maxie, which will be this time, the pink or the black?" I'm drooling just at the sight of those silky, barely there, stringy- yes Liz wears thongs- almost see through- I have to have them God damn it! Restraint and un-Max like behaviour can just go fly outta the window cus I-
p"Goodnight Mom!"
pShit, is it six already? I instinctively turn to my trusted Rolex, but find it's missing- Michael must have taken it. Damn Damn, I need a place to hide, anywhere, so Liz doesn't find me and try to poke my eyes out with her diary pen! Where can I hide? Where- the closet, yes!
p"Goodnight Dad!"
pLiz shouts at her Dad just as I manage to fly into her pink papered closet- who papers closets anyway, by the way- I still have her satiny black p-Ooh just saying the word, makes me drool, and-
p"Great they're asleep, get inside quickly!"
pWhat? Who's she talking to? Maria? Alex? K- Please let it be Maria God, I'm begging you!
p"Sure"
pPaulie? My Lizzie's secretly seeing Paulie? I feel so crushed, so unmistakenbly heartbroken- OK you got me, there is no way on God's green Earth Lizzie would fool around with Mr 'I ate my gym shorts for a dare' Paulie. She's probably just tutoring him or something equally as Biology based- Still, keeping the door open a little won't hurt-
"So, what did you want help on again?"
See? I so love being right! Maybe when he's gone, I'll sneak out while Lizzie's taking her shower and then- I can't help grinning as I remember the matching black bra to the panties in my hand-
"Reproduction"
Yeah well you can't have Lizzie's panties feeling lonely now can we? I- Back up! Did he say reproduction? Paulie wants my Lizzie to teach him about *reproduction*? Why that little-
"There're many types of reproduction Paulie, you'll have to be a little more specific"
Is it me or is Lizzie's voice deepening? OK, I have to check this out, Paulie better not be hitting on my- Wow, she's wearing leather pants! OK, Max focus! There'll be plenty of time to ogle her tight leather enveloped- Focus!
"Got you, you little pervert!"
Ow, my ear! Ow! It hurts, stop Liz, s- OK, it was a set up, Paulie's not here, just Liz, and Tess- I knew I'd rue the day I encouraged them to become friends!
"Liz I'm sorry, I can explain the panties honest!"
Golden hair, dazzling green eyes, a smile to warm even the coldest of hearts- God, even when she's asleep, Tess looks like an ancient Greek goddess- maybe Aphrodite, or Medusa, or Xena-
Yeah, I can definitely see her in leather, maybe a even a tin breastplate, or-
"Kyle, don't stop!"
Yes she's dreaming about me again!
"What am I doing sweetheart?" I whisper in her ear, trying not to pant too much and wake her up. I bet I have this huge smirk on my face, which I know would probably have me killed if she was awake, but still- what my little Tessie doesn't know won't hurt her. OK, so technically she's not mine, but I can dream can't I? Taking about dreams she's moaning again- I love it when girls moan, but when its about me- OK Kyle pay attention! A voice remarkably like my remedial science teacher screams in my head, and I instantly lean closer to her full pink lips, so I can hear-
"God yes, don't stop!"
She flips onto her back, and I have to scramble off the bed so she won't hit me. OK, she's never moaned that loudly before, what the hec am I doing in that dirty little mind of hers? By the way I mean dirty in the sexiest of senses-
"Yes!"
Oh my God, she's arching! God, she's never arched before! I think I'm gonna need a cold- What the hell is she doing with her mouth?! Oh Buddha, if you care about me even one little bit, have her stop doing that- else- I'm- God I don't know how long I can stand without touching her, and if I touch her she'll- Lets just say it'll be the humpty dumpty massacre all over again, and this time no amount of maxs'd put me back together-
"Oh yes! My- Kyle wow, you're so-"
"Yes? I'm so what? Tess?" I lean forward on my elbows until my lips are barely grazing her ear lobe. She has such pretty ears, unlike Dumbo Liz, or Vulcun Maria, or Will Smith Max, or-
"I want you"
I have never heard a woman say those words to me so- so- passionately, and a part of me just wants to howl and jump up and act like Alex after the whole Napstar thing, which I still don't fully understand by the way, but I can't wake her up. Damn it, why can't she scream like that when she's awake, and wearing my sweatshirts, covered in baby oil and- Man I am such a wuss, there's a girl right in front of me who dreams of sex- KYLE SEX- and what do I do? I imagine her in baby oil instead of taking her in my arms and- OK, I have no idea what to do after the whole taking her in my arms part, but I could fumble- Right?
"Kyle-"
She has her eyes screwed tight, and her mouth- Her mouth is wide open and I can see almost all the way down to her tonsils. Screw Football, I want to be an orthadontist, and have Tess as my one and only customer-
"Tess" I whisper in her ear, breathlessly like I usually do when she dreams about me (which I have to say has become almost an everyday occurrence since the whole human disappearing act thing), but instead of letting out a long throaty and incredibly husky moan, she wraps her arms around my neck, and not in a sweet 'I want to chain you to my bed for eternity' way either. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear she was squeezing, but she'd only do that if she-
"Well, well, if this isn't a surprise-"
She squeezes harder, and- Oh My God I can't breathe!
"Sorry, Tess- I can explain you see there's this assignment on dream analysis for pysch and I- Ow!"