This Feeling That Only The
Lonely Know
By Ricco Ragazza
Disclaimer: I don't own
Star Wars or any of the characters, duh.
AN~ Well, this story came from a poem I
wrote a while back. I hope you like it!!! Please, remember to review! And feel
free to e-mail me: riccoragazza@aol.com with anything you'd like to say!
:-) Thank you for reading!! Sorry, short disclaimer and Authors note tonight,
I'm not in the mood to write a big long
one like I usually do!
~*~
This Feeling That Only The Lonely Know
~*~
~By Ricco Ragazza~
~*~
This is the feeling that only the lonely know; it's an
unmistakable feeling deep down in the dark depths of your soul. I hope you
never have to feel it, because it is the most awful feeling in the entire
universe, I am sure of that. It is a cold feeling; a gray and dark one, too.
Your heart turns as dark and gray as a winter snow storm, and twice as cold. It
pulls your heart down to your knees; then bends your knees, and makes you beg
for a way out. I pray that you never feel it, I really do.
It makes you feel low, hopeless,
and tired. It almost hurts, but not quite, maybe if it hurt it would go away faster,
it's deeper than pain. It is so awful, you want to be happy, but it isn't
possible. You aren't in control of your emotions anymore, it makes you want to
scream till your throat aches and find a way out. Your head screams at your
heart to be happy, but you heart is stuck in your knees, and won't come back
up.
Then there is the incessant
crying, the worst part for me. One minute you are fine, you think you've gotten
over everything, but it comes back, and much worse than before. You start
crying for no reason; then your mind makes up reason for your heart to feel
better. You wallow in self pity, and you can't get out and start to drown. Your
heart cries about anything, and you feel utterly worn out and down. You swear
each time to yourself that those will be the last tears, but they never seem to
come to an end.
The tears sting your cheeks and
turn them red, your eyes get baggy and swell up, and your chest aches, yes, I
know why they call it a heart-ache now. Life doesn't seem worth living anymore,
yet-yet you are afraid of dying. You don't want to live, and you don't want to
die, you can't win anymore. Nothing you do makes you feel any better, and it
starts to kill you from the inside out. Your whole mind frame changes, and it
takes away your former self. Its like, your in someone else's body and they are
torturing you with these evil emotions.
In a room of people, you feel
torn apart from them. Your not connected anymore, torn apart from the rest of
the universe, even to some of those people who are closest to you in your life.
They try their best to help you, but there efforts only make you sink deeper
into depression. Your head ask why this had to be you. What did you ever do
that was so bad to deserve such a fate? Your mind and heart agree on one thing,
that it is definitely someone else's fault. You curse the person who did this
to you, and you heart only has room for two emotions: hate and sorrow.
Sometimes, on the good days, you
can bear to do things such as read notes from the people who hurt you. Tears
fall from your eyes and hit the notes, and your vision is blurry as you stare
at the hand writing that once made your heart sing. As you think of past
happiness, your heart screams: Why did it all have to end? You mind replies:
Because you never stopped them from going, it's all your fault and you know it.
You become your own worst enemy and critic. You torture yourself beyond all
belief.
The days all go by so fast, by the time you look around
it's been almost a year. Everyday makes way for the next, each day never
changing. The pain gets unbearable, and you really want a way out. You have
lost everything, what holds you back? Yes, and that bring me to now; even now I
feel no different.
I wish I could go to a planet, far away from here, and
live my life over again, start fresh. Maybe, someday, I would forget my past
life of glory and defeat. I just wish I were normal, ever since I was small,
I've just wanted to be normal. Maybe, I wasn't meant to be normal…but that
thought makes me angry, who has the power to decide my fate? Why couldn't it
have been someone else? Why couldn't I have a happily ever after? What have I
ever done to deserve this?
I don't know where I went wrong, I really don't. I ask
myself everyday, but I am now more close to an answer than the first day I
asked myself. How could something like this happen and life still go on? I
don't understand it all. I have lost everything I ever wanted, ever needed,
ever dreamed of. How can anyone wake up in the morning with a smile on their face
in this kind of universe?
I never thought people really changed. I mean deep down in
their souls. I believe that we are born with a soul, and our heart and minds
sometimes get in the way of what our soul wants. Our minds are greedy, and our hearts
selfish; but our souls, they are another story. Maybe, in the end, I will be
happy. But, the end is so far away, and I don't think I can make it, I don't
know if I am strong enough now.
I hate myself for loving them, why can't I just forget it
all and be happy again? No matter how hard I try I can't shake this feeling, it
won't go away. I don't know why, I just can't shake it no matter what I do.
Loneliness rules my life now, even if I am surrounded by people; I am in a
hell, a hell I have made for myself.
Maybe I should put an end to this; the hurting, the pain,
the crying, all of it. I am just so tired. People who look down upon people who
commit suicide have never felt like this, and if they have, they are either
crazy, very strong, or they have forgotten the feeling.
Once, when I was younger, about fourteen, a great Jedi
told me something. It has stuck with me over the years, I don't know why
exactly. He told me that all life was suffering, and that it shapes us, makes
us who we are. He said that the strong survive, and the weak fold in and
crumble. I wonder now, where that great Jedi is when I need him the most. He
sure isn't with me. I need someone to make me strong, because I can't do this
alone anymore, I can't hold on, its too painful.
I've made my decision, and I have no choice. You probably
don't understand, but, I'm not asking for you to do so. Some of people are too
weak, and they need others behind them to push them forward, I was never one of
them before now. I always looked down upon them, I never sympathized. I do now,
because I understand, I understand the pain and all that comes along with it.
My total respect goes to those of you who can make it through the hard times,
but please, don't disdain those of us who can't. Maybe, we weren't born with
the will power to face situations like these, that try us to the max.
Yet-yet I feel is was born with the strength. I feel that,
I feel that when I feel in love that I gave my strength, my heart, and my soul.
When he left me, he took those qualities with him, so now I am barren and
empty. Maybe, maybe he'll need those qualities one day, maybe he needs them
with him, maybe someday he'll make a decision with them that will change the
universe…I would hope so, because I am making a decision right now, that is
going to change my universe. Goodbye, and please remember, I didn't want it
this way.
EN~ Like it? Love it? Hate it? Give me your comments and
suggestions!!! IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
REVIEW!!!! It would help me out a lot!!! I'd like to thank everyone who has
been reviewing my stories, Laura, Bec, Becca, mishi and everyone else! Thank
you soooo much!!!!!
