A Documentary On My Pathetic Existence

by Grey Harlequin

It's like watching your life go by, but someone else is living it, and you can only hope to Merlin that they can't tell that you're so insanely jealous. A study on feeling alone.

There is something horribly depressing about being alone in a crowded room.

It's the worst kind of alone. You can talk to everyone and be best friends with all of them, you can look happy, smile, and laugh. But in your head, no one understands you. No one knows what kind of torture you're going through in the confines of your skull. It comes in spurts. Like when you're in a classroom, and suddenly, you're out of your body and looking in, realizing what a wreck you are, that you'll never fit in. It's that moment when you feel a stab in your heart, because your brain is torturing it; twisting it and tearing at it, trying to get to the core so it can pour liquid feelings down your face. It's when all you can think about is how all of these people would be exactly the same if you never even existed. How, in the grand scheme of things, you're nothing. How, even if you become rich and famous, there's still going to be that one day when someone says your name and it's never heard again, and that there is going to be a time when not a single person in the universe that is even aware that you ever existed.

And you're just sitting there regretting past decisions and experiences. Writhing within your own mind. And all you can think about is how fucking lonely you are.

I swear to Merlin, every time I look at him. He has my heart in his hands and he doesn't even know it's there. It doesn't matter that it's there, because he has her. And I hate her so much. Not because she deserves it, not because she's lesser than me in any way. She has the only thing I want; the worst part is, that he's so ridiculously happy. And want him to be happy, and I'm happy that he's happy, but Gods if doesn't tear a new hole in my heart every time I think about how I can never have him.

And I'm so fucking selfish! I want them to be horribly unhappy and miserable, but I care about both of them so much. All I can think about how perfect we are for each other, about how we would be so happy.

But it doesn't fucking matter! Nothing I say, think or feel matters because I have no say or impact on anything that happens in their relationship. I have no right to resent them.

I'm such an idiot.

No matter who I'm talking to or what I'm doing, I still feel this pit of emptiness in my stomach because he's not there. I carry it with me everywhere I go. The only thing that keeps me going is that maybe, someday I'll have a chance. Yeah right.