WARNINGS: Yaoi/shounen-ai. Daiken/Kensuke. Takedai too if you decide to look at it in that light. Be my guest. Also some rather unpleasant language, hence the PG-13 rating.
Sequel to Mine. Named after another song, this time by Smashing Pumpkins. Mine was a Savage Garden song, I don't recall if I said that... Heh. Go look up the word soma and see if you can figure out the significance. This I *think* takes place that first time Ken spent the night at Daisuke's. I'm not absolutely sure if that fits but hey. Use your imagination, why don'tcha. This story did not come out as good as I'd hoped and actually went in an ENTIRELY different direction that I'd planned. Sometimes they just take on a life of their own, ne?
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Nothing left to say
And all I've left to do
Is run away
From you
And she led me on, down
With secrets I can't keep
Close your eyes and sleep
Don't wait up for me
Hush now don't you speak
To me
Didn't want to lose you once again
Didn't want to be your friend
Fulfilled a promise made of tin
And crawled back to you
So let the sadness come again
On that you can depend on me, yeah
Until the bitter, bitter end of the world, yeah
When god sleeps in bliss
Minomon and Chibimon were sleeping soundly, Chibimon with a bubble growing and shrinking from his nose as he snored. The two digimon were snuggled together comfortably on Daisuke's bed, worn out from a hard day of shinka and battle. Minomon rested against Chibimon's stomach, oblivious to the rise and fall of the other little creature's breath. Ken meanwhile sat on his futon beside Daisuke's bed, studying the two digimon and pondering over how close they had become since they had become Paildramon together.
Ken turned his attention away from them, idly examining the blankets beneath him. Daisuke was taking forever in the bathroom... Ken was spending the night at Dai's house and it was already fairly late, Daisuke's parents and sister had already gone to bed. Now he was just waiting for the other boy to finish his nightly round of vanity in the restroom.
The blue haired boy sighed to himself slightly, lost in thought as he listened to Daisuke putter around in the bathroom. He was confused about so many things... And uncomfortable staying with Daisuke despite the admirable effort the other boy gave to make him feel at home.
"Hmph. You wouldn't think he's such a terrorizing eating machine when he's awake, would you?"
Ken looked up sharply, startled by Daisuke's sudden entrance. Dai was standing in the doorway, clad in blue boxer shorts and a white tank, fists on his hips as he shot an accusing glare at the slumbering digimon. Ken smiled faintly, turning his gaze away from the other boy to look at them.
"It's nice how well they get along," Ken said. "I'm glad Minomon has someone to play with... He really deserves it."
"He probably deserves somebody better than that blue cream puff!" Daisuke joked with a laugh, smiling as he crossed the room to his dresser. Ken watched silently as Daisuke removed his goggles and placed them in a case for safe keeping. Daisuke slowly shut the case and turned to Ken. "Are you okay, Ken?"
Ken blinked in surprise at his friend. Daisuke was a little slow and kind of... well... dorky at times but he was fairly quick on picking up on emotions from Ken's experience. "I-I'm fine," Ken stammered, blue eyes dropping to become suddenly fascinated by his own lap. Daisuke looked at him with slight skepticism and Ken shifted uncomfortably. "I've just been thinking, that's all."
Daisuke crossed the room again and sat down at the end of the futon, folding his legs. "'Bout what?" he asked, tilting his head.
Ken's head stayed down a moment longer, his blue locks shielding his face. His fingers found their way around a wad of blankets and gripped tight. He looked up suddenly. "Why do you insist on including me?" he asked, voice shaking a little. "Why are you so intent on me being a part of the group? After everything terrible I did, why do you still want to be my friend?"
Daisuke looked at him, taken aback. "Ken... I... Look. Who you are now isn't who you were then. Back when you were the Digimon Kaizer, you were like a different person. I don't think I should judge you from what the Kaizer did."
Blue eyes stared at Daisuke and then clouded over to fill with tears. "I remember everything, Daisuke. I remember everything I did back then. I can remember all the horrible thoughts I thought and the evil plans I made... I can remember doing terrible things to you and the others. I wasn't a different person, otherwise how would I remember those things?"
Daisuke sighed and scratched his head, eyes shut in thought. "Okay, let me put it like this," he said. "Do you want to go back to doing those terrible things?"
Ken shook his head fervently. "No!"
"Then that's all that matters to me. As far as I'm concerned, the Kaizer was a different person. Understand?" He looked anxious as he watched Ken's cheeks streak with tears.
He nodded a little. "I guess... I think..."
Daisuke sighed again as Ken wiped his cheeks and the spikey-haired boy folded his arms behind his head to look up at the ceiling. "Ken, can I ask you something?"
Ken nodded again.
"Back when you were the Kaizer... Did you really hate us?"
Ken's head dropped again and he spoke quietly. "I'm not sure, Daisuke. I know I was so focused on controlling the Digital World and you were the only thing standing in my way. You were my enemies ... but I... I don't think I really hated you... Not personally..." The young man slumped sadly, hands rested in his lap and he made no eye contact with Daisuke. "Why are you asking me this?"
It was Daisuke's turn to become uncomfortable. The shorter boy shifted. "Anou... Ken... Do you remember when you were the Digital Kaizer and you found me alone in the Digital World that one time? Do you remember what happened then?"
Ken sat up straight suddenly, eyes wild and frightened. "N-nani?!" He stared at Daisuke, horrified. "Oh no... no... You weren't supposed to remember that... Oh god, Daisuke, you weren't supposed to remember that! He... I mean, I... gave you something to make you forget..."
Daisuke frowned... His memories of that night were fuzzy and disjointed but he could remember. He vaguely remembered going to the Digital World, without V-mon for some reason. He vaguely remembered the Kaizer finding him and taking him away. And he vaguely remembered the Kaizer doing... questionable things to him. "Whatever it was it didn't really work," Daisuke said absently, recalling that the Kaizer had allowed him a drink after their little escapade...
Tears rolled down Ken's cheeks as he stared at Daisuke. "D-Daisuke... I'm so sorry... I'm so, so sorry... What I did to you then was wrong, it was horrible and sick..." He buried his face into his hands, sobbing between whispered and choked apologies and laments.
Daisuke looked at him, alarmed. "Ken... Ken, it's okay... I told you, I understand, Ken..." He placed a hand on the blue haired boy's shoulder. "I just wanted to ask you why... Why did the Kaizer choose to do that? Why to me?"
Ken's hands dropped to his lap to reveal his miserable, tear stained expression. "I don't know how to explain it."
"Please try, Ken..."
He sighed, eyes searching blankly for answers. "I... He... The Kaizer wanted you. You were... you were like an enemy and a prize to him. He thought you were magnificent and just wanted you, to violate you." Ken's voice quivered but he continued. "He wanted to have you only for him. And he wanted to break you."
"If that's how the Kaizer felt... Then how did Ken feel?"
Ken's lower lip trembled and he dared not look at Dai. "Why are you asking me this?" he whispered hoarsely.
"I need to know."
"Ken... I... I thought you were magnificent too." Ken's cheeks flushed. "I didn't want you like that though. It was only the Kaizer that wanted to... to... own you like that."
"How do you feel now?"
The indigo haired boy was silent.
"Ken?"
"Why are you so... so... wonderful... You're so wonderful to me even though I've done horrible things to you... I hunted you and tortured you -- I raped you for god's sake, Daisuke! Why are you nothing but kind to me?"
It was Daisuke's turn to be silent. "I wish I knew why I went to the Digital World that night."
Ken looked up in surprise. "Nani?"
"I went there to think. I know that much. My memories are all fuzzy from that night. I remember I couldn't sleep. Something was bothering me. I was thinking of something." Daisuke's brow was drawn tightly in thought, eyes focused on nothing. "I was having weird dreams. Yeah... Something about the dreams was bugging me... And then I remember just wanting to leave and my D-3... hm..."
"Daisuke..."
The auburn haired boy paid no attention, lost in thought. "Something about soccer... That's right... I was playing soccer with you. Wait... No, it was with the Kaizer. I was playing soccer with the Kaizer. And I saw you in the Digital World. In my dreams, I mean. That's what was bothering me... I was trying to figure out who you were, the Kaizer or Ken. And I went to the Digital World to think it out when you found me."
"What would it matter?"
Daisuke's brown eyes focussed on Ken who was looking at him sadly. "What would what matter?"
"Whether I was the Kaizer or Ken. Why would it matter? Either way I was your enemy."
"Anou..." Daisuke tapped his chin thoughtfully. How to put his thoughts and feelings gently? "I felt... iye, I feel drawn to you, Ken. I don't know how to explain it. I always did. In the real world, anyway. When you were the Kaizer in the Digital World, I lost that feeling."
Ken's indigo eyes were almost fearful. "What do you mean, drawn to me?"
Daisuke's cheeks turned pink. "I don't really know how to describe it... I just... wanted to be near you." He smiled very faintly, trailing doodles with a fingertip along the surface of the blanket they were sitting on. "Ken... Did you mean it when you said you thought I was magnificent?"
The indigo haired one averted his gaze, shame faced. "Hai," he murmured. Ken took a sharp breath as Daisuke leaned closer to him, his tanned cheek almost touching Ken's own pale one.
"You didn't tell me how you feel now," Daisuke whispered in his ear.
Ken found himself trembling at this closeness, his body completely stiff otherwise. "It's not important," he whispered in return, his voice quivering as much as his form.
"Would it help if I told you I liked what you did to me that night?"
"NO!" The word was almost shouted and Ken roughly shoved Daisuke away, much to the other boy's surprise. Sprawled in an undignified manner, Daisuke stared up at Ken with shock. "Don't ever, EVER say that, Daisuke. What I did to you was wrong and sick and it should have never happened. If you're saying you have feelings for me, you're wrong. You can't and you won't."
Pulling himself off the floor, Daisuke scowled indignantly. "How would you know? How come you get to decide what I can and can't feel?"
Ken's mind was reeling by now. He had to stop this. He couldn't let Daisuke get this close to him, it was far too dangerous. This was testing his every restraint, tugging at feelings and longings he'd pushed back for a very long time. But still, he could not allow this to go anywhere despite how his heart sang at the idea that Daisuke could possibly return his feelings. "I don't love you, Daisuke," he finally said with all the iciness he could muster. "I will never love you. That was just the Kaizer's mind influencing me." Yes, yes, that's it... Hurt him... It's for his own good... You know what you have to say... "It wasn't really me. I'm not a fucking fag."
Daisuke looked as though he'd been slapped. "Wh-what did you just say?"
"You heard me," Ken replied, looking away. "You're a guy, Daisuke. It'd be disgusting if I wanted you like that. What I did to you as the Kaizer was disgusting." Sheets covering his lap, Ken dug his nails into his thigh, lying through his teeth. "I'm not a queer, Daisuke. And if you are then that's just sick." It's better this way... Think of him... You know how dangerous it is if he gets close to you...
By now Daisuke was livid. Plain and simple. He face was red and he was shaking visibly. Tears stood in his brown eyes. "Is that so, Ichijouji-san?" he asked with a surprisingly calm voice. "Fine. What we did was nothing. And I say we because it wasn't just you, I remember that much. I know I enjoyed it. I wanted it. And I don't think it was wrong or sick." Daisuke's voice was rising and he climbed to his feet, glaring down at Ken. "I don't think it was wrong because I *do* love you. And if that makes me a fucking fag, then fine!" For a moment his voice quivered and he quickly wiped away the tears that spilled over his lashes. "I don't believe you."
With this, Daisuke turned and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Minomon and Chibimon awoke with a start but before they could say anything, Jun's voice erupted from the hall. "What the hell is going on in there?!" she shouted, pounding on the door. Chibimon and Minomon leapt under the covers and a moment later the door opened and Daisuke's sister stuck her head in the room, glaring venomously. With a quick glance around, she noticed her brother was absent. "Hey, where's Baka?"
"We had an argument," Ken said softly, eyes downcast.
"Ooooh..." Jun's eyes widened in acknowledgment. "Eh, he probably just went to go blow off steam. I wouldn't worry about it, Daisuke's just a big hothead. He'll be back." The girl grinned, eying the indigo haired boy. "You okay, kid?"
Ken nodded slightly and Jun left.
Chibimon whimpered, curled up with Minomon in Ken's lap beneath the blankets. "Where'd Daisuke go?" he asked pitifully. Looking for comfort, he snuggled up to Ken, clinging to his pajamas.
"I'm not sure," Ken replied, blinking back the tears that stood in his eyes. "He'll be back though. Let's get some sleep."
It was cold. Really damn cold. It was September, of course it would be cold. It didn't help that Daisuke was clad in a thin tank top and shorts with a sweatshirt he'd grabbed on his way out. His feet were protected by a pair of sandals. Otherwise he was subject to the sharp breeze that blew through the streets. Daisuke was oblivious to it.
Fag. Fucking fag. Disgusting, fucking fag. The words played over and over again in his mind, making him feel ill. Ken did not lie well but it still hurt him deeply. No, Daisuke didn't believe a word of it. The lies were transparent and through gritted teeth. He could feel the guilt that they were laden with. Some thought Daisuke wasn't the brightest kid on the block, but when one's soul is entangled with another, there are things one simply does not miss.
Why? Why was Ken doing this? Why would he say such ugly, gut wrenching things? Why would he hurt Daisuke so badly? The auburn haired boy's hands clenched into tight fists at his sides. He didn't understand. He didn't understand anything anymore. Why should it be disgusting? He was just doing what his heart said... What his heart had said all along... Why was that wrong? And could it be that Ken didn't feel it? How could he not feel it? It was so powerful...
He never could explain it. Why he simply had to have Ken with him, or part of the team as he put it. Every part of his being cried out, every cell in his body screamed that it was right. When Paildramon appeared, it only strengthened that feeling. He felt Ken's heart. He understood everything about Ken without understanding at all. Augh, it all made his head hurt.
But now why?! Why did it hurt so much?! Why did his insides burn so!? Daisuke gritted his teeth as he continued speed walking down the street. It hurt so badly... Ken didn't want him. Despite everything he felt, Ken didn't want him. It didn't matter how close he felt to Ken, how much he wanted to be with him, how badly his heart ached, Ken didn't want him. He'd never felt anything like it, this horrible pain. Why did it hurt so bad? It didn't hurt like this with Hikari...
Stop... Please just stop... Tears stung in Daisuke's eyes and he stopped for a moment, forcing them back. He wouldn't cry. He wouldn't be weak. He just felt too many things. Anger, disappointment, pain, sorrow, frustration, confusion. He wanted to hit something. Really, really hard. The closest thing happened to be a tree.
Growling, he drew back his fist but a hand was laid on his arm, holding him back when he tried to strike the defenseless foliage. Daisuke whirled around, eyes dangerously narrow. Takeru folded his arms over his chest, eyeing Daisuke passively from cool blue eyes.
"So what did the tree do to you, Daisuke? Didn't your mother ever teach you to use your words when sorting out disagreements with pines?"
"What the hell are you doing here, Takeru?" Daisuke spat. He was most certainly not in the mood to trade favors with the blonde.
"I looked out my window and saw you stalking down the street in your nightclothes," Takeru replied easily. Daisuke noticed the other boy was clad in a blue robe and then looked around, realizing he had in fact wandered into Takeru's neighborhood. Well, it could be worse. He could have Miyako harassing him instead of Takeru. "So I decided to see what was up. Other than you, at this ungodly hour."
"You're up too, you know," Daisuke replied sourly.
Takeru shrugged. "What's up, Daisuke? What happened?"
"None of your business!" the tanned one cried, looking away and scowling. "So just butt out already."
The blond hesitated slightly, averting his gaze thoughtfully before placing a hand on Daisuke's shoulder. "I just want to help, Dai-kun. You may hate me but I consider you a friend."
Daisuke sighed, shoulders slumping. "I don't hate you, Takeru. Don't be an idiot. Thanks for your concern but I'll be just fine."
"Is this about Hikari?"
"NO THIS IS NOT ABOUT HIKARI!" Daisuke exploded, flailing comically. Takeru almost fled back to his room in terror. Daisuke huffed in annoyance. Hikari was the last thing he wanted to think about at that moment. She'd hurt him enough in her own catty way. "I just wanted to think, that's all. And before you say something about me thinking being a miracle, just shut up."
Takeru sighed, feeling a little bad and a little annoyed at Daisuke's brash behavior. "You know I'm not going to leave you alone until you talk to me. So you might as well get it over with."
Daisuke scowled at him viciously. Damn Takeru and his thoughtfulness. "It's about Ken, okay? Happy now?"
"Ken? Oh that's right... Wasn't he spending the night at your place?"
"Yes. We had a little disagreement, that's all. Now will you leave me alone?"
"A disagreement about what?"
"Augh! Takeru!"
"I'm Ken's friend too, Daisuke!" Takeru said defensively. "And if something is amiss between two members of our team, we need to get it straightened out. Especially between you two. I think you may be closer to each other than any of us."
Daisuke looked away bitterly. "He won't let go of who he used to be. He clings to the past and the terrible things that happened and the terrible things he did. I tried to get him to let go of it a little and it didn't work." It wasn't entirely a fib. That was part of the issue. The rest of it he simply was not going to talk to Takeru, or anyone else for that matter, about. The last thing he needed or wanted was someone else calling him a fucking fag. And if Ken would call him that, he was sure Takeru would call him some far nastier things.
"I see... Daisuke... I think Ken needs some time. He's been though a lot, you know? It's going to take time for him to heal from that. You can't expect him to let go of the past overnight. Our past is what molds us into who we are and it's making life very difficult for Ken right now." Takeru smiled faintly, placing his hand on Daisuke's shoulder again. Daisuke looked at him from the corner of his eye warily but his stubborn facade began to melt away. "What Ken needs right now is support. He needs a friend. You're the best friend he's got, Daisuke. Don't give up on him. He needs you."
Daisuke's expression turned blank and he blinked at Takeru. "A... friend?"
Takeru nodded.
A friend. He needs a friend. These words played in Daisuke's mind with as much intensity as Ken's ugly words had. Maybe Takeru was right... Maybe it was time for Daisuke to put aside what he wanted. Ken was going through a lot... Daisuke's angst-fest was not helping. It was time to stop being selfish.
"I think you're right, Takeru..." Daisuke said slowly. "Thank you."
The blonde smiled again. "No problem, Dai-kun. Now maybe you should get home and get some sleep, ne?"
"Hai..." Daisuke blinked in alarm when Takeru unexpectedly pulled him into a hug. What the?!
"It'll work out." The Child of Hope lived up to his namesake. One of those 'I'm-not-gay' thumps on Daisuke's back reaffirmed their masculinity and platonicism before Takeru released him.
"Thank you, Takeru..." Daisuke murmured again and then coughed awkwardly. "I'll see you later."
"Oyasumi, Daisuke."
They parted ways and Daisuke stole a glance over his shoulder as the taller boy retreated back to his apartment complex. Maybe Takeru wasn't so bad after all.
Time to let go. Time to grow up. Time to realize what love is. Love is doing what's best for the one you love, whether it's at your own expense or not. Ken may not love me. He may never love me. That's okay... I'll still be there for him. That's what's important. Ken's happiness is what's important...
Daisuke smiled very faintly to himself, hand resting on the door knob of his home. It still hurt. It stung, terribly. But that would fade. Maybe he couldn't have Ken the way he wanted. But at least he could make Ken's burden a little lighter by being his friend. And maybe, just maybe, someday that friendship could become something a little more.
They say if you love someone to let them go, right? If they come back to you, it was meant to be.
Time to let go.
"Daisuke!" Chibimon launched himself into his friend's arms, whimpering pitifully. Daisuke hushed him, glancing at Ken's blanket covered form, just visible through the dimness. "Where did you go? Why were you so angry?"
"We'll talk about it later," Daisuke whispered, wrapping the little Digimon in his arms in a comforting hug. "I'm here now." Daisuke crawled into bed and Chibimon snuggled up to him.
"Daisuke?" a soft voice asked through the darkness, small and timid.
"Hai, Ken?"
"I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it."