All I Want
When Beca gets the news, the first thing she does is run. She runs from their apartment and out to their car and just drives, letting her body guide the SUV as she heads towards the city. One of the benefits of living in Los Angeles is that one can find many hiding places and as she pulls into a small shopping complex, she puts the car into park and swipes a hand across her teary eyes. She's neither happy nor sad, but she can't truly express what she's feeling and how she's accepting the news so she just cries. She has never been a person that is good with words and the emotional release feels good as she stares out through the grimy windshield and just…thinks.
She imagines her life and her future and everything that is going to happen to them in the next few months and she just…cries. She should be excited, because this is seriously great news, but she can't process that right now and instead gets out of the car and walks along the plaza until she finds a store that interests her. It's a tiny mom-and-pop shoe store and she walks between the aisles aimlessly, looking for new combat boots but not really finding anything interesting, until something catches her eye.
Baby Vans sneakers. She flips them over and checks the price tag, scoffing when she finds that they're nearly as expensive as the ones that she has at home in her closet, but knows that she has to have them. If she's having a baby, then he or she needs these shoes.
The homely cashier takes Beca's credit card and smiles as she wraps up the shoes, sliding them into a paper bag and asking "So, how old is your little one? These shoes are just precious."
"Oh, I don't have a kid yet", Beca replies awkwardly, blushing when she realizes how stupid she must look. "I just found out today that I'm having a baby, so I couldn't resist getting these."
"Oh! How sweet! Congratulations, dear. I'm sure your husband will love these when you bring them home." Her grin is sickeningly sweet as she slides the bag across the counter. "Have a nice day!"
Beca just nods and doesn't bother to correct the woman, gathering her bag in her arms and escaping to her car. She breathes heavily as she sits behind the steering wheel and fights back her nausea as she finds herself unable to move. It's all becoming real and her eyes are misty and her head is pounding as she tries to will herself to drive home. Chloe is pregnant. We're going to be parents. I'm going to be a mom.
I'm going to screw this up.
She never gets the chance to. They don't get the chance to pick out a name or to buy furniture or little baby outfits. Beca never gets to struggle to shove a car seat into the back of the car or to fight with Chloe over the paint for the nursery. She never gets to place her hands on Chloe's belly and feel her baby kick. She gets nothing.
Chloe has the miscarriage on a Thursday evening, and somehow that just seems right. It's the most uneventful day of the week and it figures that the one event that turns her world upside down would come when she's expecting it the least.
She's at the studio, re-mastering a mix for a record the label is releasing in a few weeks, and has her huge headphones on when an intern bursts into the room. She's about to snap at him for breaking her concentration but stops herself when she sees the look on his face and doesn't say a word. Somehow she knows that something has happened and she whips her cell phone out of her bag, tapping on the screen and freezing as the message pops up.
Chloe (4:59 p.m.): Beca, come up to the hospital. Something is wrong.
She can't remember driving to the hospital. The next thing she knows, she's running down a hallway and she can hear her Converses flapping against the floor as she tries to find her wife. They're strikingly loud in the quiet hallway and she wants to slow down and take it easy, but she can't.
She has to keep going, has to find Chloe, has to have her heart broken.
She knows what is coming, but she doesn't stop herself from pushing forward. Maybe I'm a masochist. Maybe I'm just in love.
She runs away. That's what she is good at and she does it spectacularly.
Her fight or flight reflex doesn't kick in until the doctor enters the room, solemn and flipping through a file as he approaches the pair. She knows it isn't good and clutches Chloe's hand, shuffling her feet back and forth as the nervous energy building in her body dares her to leave. To run and escape. To feel nothing.
The doctor introduces himself to Beca, but she just ignores him as she slinks a hand underneath the bulky sleeve of Chloe's dressing gown and strokes her arm. She rests her fingers on her wrist after tracing the contours of her elbow and forearm, feeling her pulse thumping back against her fingers and knowing that she is okay. She is still alive and she is breathing and maybe, just maybe, she won't lose her breath when he destroys their world.
I'm so sorry, Ms. Mitchell. You suffered from a miscarriage this afternoon.
The breathe catches in Chloe's throat and Beca's eyes widen as the tears pool immediately. She knew what was coming, but hearing it is a whole other monster and she worries her lip and taps her foot as she begs herself not to cry. Somewhere in between his announcement and her tears, her hand slips away from Chloe and flops to her side.
It's too early to give you an explanation for why it happened, but at this early in your pregnancy it's usually a genetic defect that terminates the pregnancy.
She was almost three months along. Every blog told them to give it twelve weeks before announcing their good news to family and friends. To get over the first hump and then tell them, to prevent the heartbreaking moment of rescinding the news and telling them that their baby was gone.
They were five days away from telling Aubrey and Jesse, taking them out on a double date and breaking the good news to them over desert. A week away from driving up to Seattle for the weekend and telling her mom and her grandparents. They were going to Skype Beca's father and Chloe's parents in Florida and announce the news with a banner that Chloe had made with her art supplies from school. "You're Going To Be Grandparents!", printed in huge purple letters and rolled up in the corner of their bedroom for the right moment to finally come.
She's moving now, her feet taking her away from the bed and towards the door as the vomit rises in her throat.
She can't do this.
Nothing appears to be wrong with you, Ms. Mitchell, from the examination and the blood work that we ran. You can start In-Vitro treatments in two to three months if you wish to try again. There's nothing here that will prevent you from having a child. This just happens sometimes and I'm truly sorry.
Chloe is sobbing into her hands and nodding along with the doctor, trying to reassure herself that she's going to be okay when she knows that she's not. She knows that she's going to curl up in bed for a week and cry non-stop as she grieves her loss. That she's going to call Aubrey and tell her the news and that she's going to be there as soon as possible, climbing into the bed with her and kissing her neck as she tells her that everything is going to be okay.
She knows that Jesse is going to accompany his fiancé and drink beer with Beca in the living room as she fights with her emotions and doesn't say a word. She knows so much about what to expect that she doesn't even notice that Beca has left the room until the door slams shut behind her.
The doctor senses that something is wrong and follows after her, staying in the hallway for several minutes before returning with a red face and an apology pouring from his mouth.
"I'm so sorry, Ms. Mitchell." He begins, closing his file and placing a hand over one of hers. "Was that your wife?" Chloe nods and he returns the gesture, shaking his head as he says "She left. I tried to talk to her, but she wasn't hearing me. She told me that she's leaving and that she won't be home later. Is there someone that we can call to take you home?"
His voice is soft and sympathetic, like he knows that Beca is a terrible spouse and that Chloe is the victim and she hates it. She hates the way his eyes soften and the way his hand rests on hers and the stupid tissue he is offering her as the tears start to pour from her eyes.
She takes it anyway, dabbing at the corners of her eyes and giving him Aubrey's phone number and name in a sweet and calm voice before he leaves the room to make the call. That voice that she usually reserved for her unruly students in her eleventh grade English class. The voice that is now murmuring to herself, a solemn chant to keep herself from losing it.
It's okay, don't cry. She'll come back. She always comes back. She came back. Don't cry.
She's all alone and somehow…she always expected this. She married the girl that never grew up and the one moment that she needed her the most…she just ran away.
If you loved me, why'd you leave me?
Beca creeps into their apartment and knows that Chloe is in the living room, hearing the muffled sound of the television as she closes the door behind her. She knows that she doesn't deserve forgiveness or to be welcomed back into her home, but that Chloe will do it anyway. She loves her, for reasons that Beca will never be able to fathom, and it's the one constant in her life that makes sense. It's the one thing that calms her nerves as she holds the bag close to her chest and the thing that propels her legs forward as she walks from the foyer to the den.
She's watching an old movie and Beca smiles, knowing that Chloe has a thing for black and white movies and that she's watching it to seek comfort. She's kind of surprised to see that she isn't wolfing down a pint of chocolate ice cream and as she turns the movie off, something with Judy Garland in it who Chloe adores, she is met with a growl.
She doesn't say a word though and Beca can see the crumpled tissues that are trapped under her body as she slowly pulls herself up to better glare at her wife. Beca just smiles back, sure that she looks like an idiot, and thrust the bag into Chloe's arms.
Chloe considers it for a moment and then opens it, biting back a smile as she sees the tiny shoes inside. "Are these for...?" She asks, her voice trailing off as the emotion kicks in.
Beca is blushing now and tapping a foot nervously against the hardwood floor as she nods, biting her lip and trying not to catch Chloe's eye.
"I just figured that if someone as cool as me is going to be a mom, then her kid would need some pretty cool shoes too."
Chloe makes the tiniest squealing noise as she propels herself from the couch to Beca's arms and she nearly topples over, but maintains her balance and just holds Chloe. She holds her as the shoes slowly slink to the floor and as the tears roll from Chloe's eyes and as her arms wrap around her back and tug her closer to her chest.
"I'm sorry, baby." The words slide out of her mouth, tinged with regret and tears that threaten to drip from her eyes. "I was just...overwhelmed by everything."
"All I wanted tonight was for you to come back home." Chloe pulls away, cupping her face with her hands and gazing into her dark blue orbs as her own float in tears. "I didn't think that you would come back, but here you are and it's okay. I love you."
This is when Beca loses it. This is where she feels the burn in her throat as the tears sting her eyes and slide without control. When she steps forward and practically collapses into Chloe's arms. When they move to the bedroom and fall onto the bed, the cool sheets touching her bare thighs and her skin breaking out in goose bumps. Where she feels human again as fingers push past elastic and slide under damp cotton. Where she feels love.
"I came back because I love you. I'll always love you." Words panted out in moments of bliss, between kisses and moans and tumbling recklessly into an abandon that can only be brought on by skilled fingers and slick lips.
I love you.
The shoes are floating in some body of water, a river that flows beneath the bridge that she pulls off on as her eyes become too teary to see through. She swipes a shaking hand over them and looks back, freezing when she sees the tiny shoebox on top of her packed suitcase. She was going to take them back, but had forgotten as she rushed to the airport and they're here and they're real and she's going to be sick.
She knows it's a terrible waste of money, but she does it anyway. She gets out of her car with the box in her hand and stares down at them for a moment, running her fingers over the checkered canvas and imagining how cute they would have looked on her child. On a little girl with auburn ringlets or on a perfect little boy with big blue eyes.
Those eyes that are haunting her as she hurls the box over the guardrail and sinks to the ground, crouching down with her face in her hands as her body aches and her chest heaves and her heart explodes in her chest.
This is what breaking down is like.
It's like being ripped into pieces.
What part of her will be left when it's done?
Aubrey is holding her from behind as they lay on the too-large bed and soothingly rubbing tiny circles on her stomach. Her hand has crept under her tank top and her lithe fingers are working admirably to make the pain go away. To will the cramps to stop as they become more and more painful. An indelible reminder of what happened just yesterday.
She has been here for a day. She took her home from the hospital last night and got into bed with her and hasn't left. Save for forcing food into Chloe's body and the occasional restroom break, her presence has been constant. She is everything that Beca could never be.
It reminds Chloe so much of the way things used to be and as she muffles a sob into Bree's shoulder, she realizes just how much she has missed this. She misses they way they used to be when they were younger. Before work and business meetings, planning dinners and weddings. Back when it was simple. Back before the pain.
She misses how they were. When they would just lay like this all night and talk until one of them eventually slipped away. The nights when the only thing that could soothe her was a whispered sentiment from Aubrey, her breath warm and calm against her ear. The nights when they would talk each other down from the edge or into intimate touches tinged with alcohol and lust. They would always work better as friends and for that, Chloe is grateful.
Beneath the warm and bubbly exterior, she is a landmine of emotion and dark thoughts and the last thing she needs is to take out the one person that has always been there for her. The one person that loves her unconditionally. The person who is crying along with her, whispering into her ear and holding her hand, her engagement ring touching Chloe's and linking them together as one. People that are unafraid to give their hearts to another, to join into a union of trust and love. Sickness and health.
If you loved me, why'd you leave me?
She has been home for a week and she misses her. She aches for her. She cries for her. She knows that she is better off without her.
Her father disagrees. He has kept quiet for too long and as he slips into her bedroom on the seventh day, the look on his face sends chills down her spine and tears to her eyes. He never wanted her to be like this. He never wanted her to turn out like him. He is aching and his eyes are red and Beca knows that he has been crying.
She has never seen her father cry.
It's terrifying.
He sits on the edge of the bed and takes her hand in his and holds it so tightly that she fears it may break. She doesn't yelp in pain. She doesn't pull away. This is when she breaks down completely.
He doesn't let go.
She speaks first. She knows that it hurts him but she can't stop. "I never wanted to be you. I wanted this baby. Maybe more than I've ever wanted anything and now it's gone. I was going to be the parent you never could be and now...why did this happen?"
How does a parent answer that question? They don't. Instead, they take their child into their arms and hold them tight and kiss the top of their head and rock them back and forth. They stay like that until the sobs become whimpers and the tears become hiccups and the pain fades to an ache.
"You would never have been like me. You would have been better; the parent I never could have been." A painful pause, a clutch of her hand and a shaky breath expelled slowly through his mouth. "She made you better, Bec. She turned you into this version of yourself that was so beautiful and all I ever wanted you to be. If you love her, then you need to go home."
She nods into his chest and he lets go, placing her back onto the bed and tucking the blankets under her chin. He pats her shoulder and kisses her cheek and turns off the bedside table, just like he used to do every night before she went to bed. Before he left her. Before he ruined her.
Don't be like me, Beca. Go home. He murmurs as he stands in the doorway, so light that she can barely hear him. Loud enough that the words cut straight through her body, slicing through bone and muscle and hitting her right in the heart.
It aches.
She packs her bags.
She doesn't go home. She's a masochist, through and through, and she doesn't even think as she eases the car onto the freeway and drives to the suburbs. It doesn't take long to reach the cul-de-sac, traffic isn't a nightmare for once, and she parks next to Jesse's car as she pulls up to the impressive house. Aubrey was a great lawyer. She was an even better friend and if anyone was to slap her into shape, it would be her. It was always her.
Jesse opens the door and lets her in, giving her a tight hug before guiding her to the living room and getting his fiancé. He isn't one for conflict and he doesn't dare speak his mind to Beca because it's just too hard. He's angry at her for leaving Chloe and for running away, but his heart aches for her loss and he can't bring himself to yell or belittle her. He'll let Aubrey handle the mess. She's always been good at that. As for him? He'll tuck himself into the kitchen, away from the pain and the tears, and sip a beer as Aubrey handles it. He's always been better in small doses.
Aubrey steps into the living room and eyes Beca up, but doesn't yell. She doesn't say a word for a long time and eventually she does the only thing that she can bring herself to do. She pulls Beca into her arms and holds her and lets her cry it out. She knows that it took a lot for her to come here and that her ache must be terrible and this, even though she feels like she's betraying her best friend, is exactly what Chloe would want her to do.
It doesn't last long though and eventually Aubrey sets her back down on the couch and lets loose everything that she has been holding back for a week. Everything that she has kept inside when she laid in bed with Chloe or forced her to choke down food or guided her into the shower. She doesn't hold anything back. Beca is grateful.
"Do you know what it was like these past few weeks? To hear her cry constantly and to watch her lie in that bed and not want to move?" Aubrey demands, her face pale and tears glistening in her eyes. "This broke her. I thought it was impossible, but I was wrong and you weren't here. Why, Beca? Just give me a reason."
"I don't know, Aubrey. I wish I did."
"That's not good enough!" She yells, her voice shrill and tearful as she finally allows herself to break down. "I shouldn't have been the person that stayed with her. I'm not her wife and I didn't make that vow with her. I shouldn't have been the person that drove her from the hospital and held her hand all night and talked her into caring about anything again. I had to feed her and shower her and dress her and love her. Where were you at?!"
"I was with my father," Beca softly replies, trying not to make eye contact with Aubrey. She is crying now and it hurts. She has never seen Aubrey cry before and it's actually more terrifying than seeing her dad break down. "I should have stayed." Her voice is at a whisper as she clenches her fist and expels the breath that she has been holding in for an eternity. "I love her."
"I know you do," Aubrey murmurs as she sinks onto her ottoman and sips from her glass of wine, savoring the Port as it glides down easily and takes the edge off. "Jesse was there too. He made dinners for us and brought us movies and played her all the songs that reminded her of you. Don't put us in that position again. My heart...I can't go through that when you leave again."
"I won't." Firm and unwavering, she makes eye contact with Aubrey and believes herself with such a conviction that it's kind of scary. She's only ever believed in Chloe but for once, she believes in herself too.
"Good." She smiles as she sniffles, swiping away at the running mascara and rising from her seat as she sets her glass on the coffee table. "Go home and make this right."
"What if she doesn't want me back? What if she stopped loving me?"
Aubrey just shakes her head and guides her to the door, opening it for her and pushing her outside. "She could never stop loving you. I don't know why, but that's just the way she is." Her voice drops to a whisper, the tears filling her eyes again as the porch light comes on and the lightning bugs appear. "She loves with every bit of her heart and it's...don't let her lose that. Please."
Aubrey Posen doesn't beg and Beca Mitchell doesn't submit, but it somehow feels right as she nods her head and whispers "I won't."
She would never break that heart again.
She opens the door and Chloe is waiting for her, sitting on the couch and flipping through a photo album with the lights dimmed and music playing in the background. It's one of her mixes. Something that she made for Chloe when she was still in college and their relationship was long distant, Chloe having settled into a teaching job back home in Florida after graduation. She had made her hundreds of mixes in the years that they have loved and she has thousands of songs that remind her of that girl, but it still amazes her when Chloe remembers. That she holds onto each one and loves it and remembers it and plays it. Her face lights up and she is catapulted back to the moment that she received it and her heart fills with joy.
It's kind of amazing. It's perfectly Chloe. She loves with her whole heart, from the top of her head to the tips of her toes and Beca...is in awe of her.
She looks so beautiful and she has to fight herself from rushing across the room and kissing her. From breaking down and falling apart and bringing her down to her level. She is a work in progress, a heart that hasn't been completely tapped yet, but she's working on it. She's working on growing up and loving the way that Chloe deserves and so for now, she watches.
She's the prettiest thing Beca has ever laid eyes on.
Chloe eventually notices her standing there and closes the laptop, placing it on the end table and rising slowly from the couch. Her face is blank as she crosses the space between them and Beca is worried that she's going to hit her. That she's going to give her what she deserves. That she's going to make her leave. That she's going to stop loving her.
Chloe Beale loves with her entire body. She falls in love so suddenly that it's bound to set her up for disaster eventually.
She fell in love with Beca Mitchell the moment that she laid eyes on her. One tiny glance as she slouched towards her booth at the activity fair and she was hooked. She fell in love with her eyes and that smirk and her wry humor. She loved her edge and those earrings and the way that she wound Aubrey up. She loved her from the moment that she saw her and it almost knocked her over, but Chloe is stronger than that.
"Beca makes us better." She firmly stated as she brushed past Aubrey and into their first huge fight.
Beca made them better. She made her better. She keeps making her better.
Chloe Beale doesn't fall out of love.
She holds her so tightly that Beca feels like she's going to lose her breath. She holds on though. She's growing and she's not missing out on this moment. The moment when she finally grows up.
Chloe's lips are warm as they kiss her neck and pull her closer and never let go. They stand in that little room and the music fades and the candles melt and they never let go. Chloe doesn't let her go. She's kind of amazing that way and Beca knows that she is so lucky to have a love like this.
She's going to be better. She's going to keep falling in love and growing into the person that Chloe deserves. Chloe makes her better.
"I love you so much", Beca whispers into her ear as the tears fall onto her red locks. "I missed you. I missed all of this."
"I missed you too." Words that are whispered from Chloe's lips as the tears catch in her throat and nearly topple her. She doesn't fall though. Beca is holding her so tightly that she could never fall and for the first time she knows that Beca is different. That she can handle her darkness and love her for her light. That she can hear the words that have been clawing at her chest for a week. "I'm sorry that I lost our baby. I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough."
"You were always good enough. You've always been everything that I've needed and I love you so much. I'm sorry that I didn't love you enough, but I'm here now and I'm not leaving. This wasn't your fault."
The words cut through Chloe and she knows, somehow she just knows, that she isn't lying this time. That she left because she loved her. That she didn't want to bring her down. That she loved her enough to let her go. That she came back.
That they're going to be okay.
It's all going to be okay.
Cause you brought out the best of me,
A part of me I'd never seen.
You took my soul, wiped it clean
Our love was made for movie screens.
A/N:This comes from a song-fic request that I got on Tumblr. This is inspired by the song All I Want by Kodaline. I highly recommend that you listen to that song because it is AMAZING!
This was a lot of fun to write and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it. This is a little different from anything that I've done before and I'm changing up my style a bit, but I liked this. This is a one-shot, reviews are welcome and appreciated. If YOU have any requests for fics or just want to message me with a critique, my Tumblr is the same as my user name. I'm open to anything and I take suggestions seriously.
If you read my other stuff, updates are coming! I promise! Thanks for reading!