Bitter Atonement

Disclaimer: Nothing of Naruto belongs to me, except this storyline.

AN:Thought I would try something a little more angsty this time around and this story is close to my heart so I will try to do it justice.

'Thoughts'

"Speech"

Chapter 1

Crumbling Facade

At first glance it wasn't much to look at. It was rundown, slightly tilted, and had more than its fair share of missing roof tiles. Not to mention the various broken window panes decorating the outside. But to those who were regulars, nothing could have looked better. The Crooked Kunai wasn't a glamorous pub in the least, boasting of cheap bottom shelf whiskey and sake that guaranteed to give you hair on your chest. The overall appeal of it was more like a worn out shoe. Not eye-catching at all, but too comfortable to throw out either. More importantly it was familiar, and for the Shinobi of the Hidden Leaf Village, a safe haven to escape the more dreary side of their jobs. Some came to catch up with their friends, but most came to forget, if only for a short while.

Smoke curled through the semi darkness of the small pub, dancing in and out of the dim lights like willow the wisps enticing the people around the room. The place was packed as usual, not an empty seat or glass in the house. In one corner parked directly in the shadows sat two regulars. They were no strangers to the darkness, in fact they welcomed it and basked in its coldness and anonymity. One leaned back in his chair watching the other patrons, a dark bandanna pulled back his brown hair, beer in one hand as he idly flicked a senbon between his teeth. While the other leaned more into the shadows, a prominent slouch in his lanky frame, one dark grey eye glued to the pages of the book in his hands and an untouched beer in front of him. The two always came here before and after a mission to celebrate living another day, celebrate being a strong word. More like silently tipping a glass to the Kamis for seeing another sunrise.

Like usual, Genma did most of the talking, well, more like narrating things around them and the other preferred the silence and the alcohol. One with his head buried in his book and the other talking casually, bringing up past missions and things going on in the village. Mostly gossip and the women he spots around the room. Kakashi listens with a half an ear, managing to tune him out when he starts to get too irritating. The low hum of idle conversation buzzed around wrapping around him like a comforting cocoon, drawing him into the deep recesses of his mind. The pages in front of him blurred, the alcohol adding to the dulling effect successfully isolating himself within.

The shadows of his past called out to him as missions of long ago ran through his mind leading to the many losses riding on its coat tails. The swirling smoke around them coalescing into shapes, drawing his eyes from the pages in front of him. Familiar faces materialize in front of him adding to the unbearable heaviness to his stiff shoulders, and he could tell it was going to be another long night. Why did this happen every time his mind wasn't occupied? Why did these spectral visitors haunt him to no end? Could he never get any sort of peace? Which begged the question… did he even deserve any sort of peace? He heaved out a deep sigh successfully blowing the apparitions out of existence and downed his forgotten beer. It was clear more poison was needed to distract himself. His eye darted to a clock on the far side of the bar and contemplated how hard it would be to extract himself from his orally fixated friend. Genma had the ability to manipulate the conversations around him and before you knew it you would be spilling your darkest secrets and buying him a round. Fortunately Kakashi was no pushover and he knew how to steer the conversation his way and he was a master at slipping out of tight spots. Plus, the more inebriated Genma was the more his attention would be focused on the more appealing visions around him, mainly of the female version.

Distant echoes interrupted his inner musings and he knew where they hailed from. He hadn't made his daily journey to the cenotaph and the yearning to run his fingers along the names etched in stone gripped his heart, it was time to leave.

He snapped back to reality as Genma's words registered in his brain.

"Oi Kakashi, ain't that one of your students over there?" Genma asked, pointing in the general direction of the bar with his beer bottle.

"Former student," Kakashi responded automatically. All three of his former students were grown by now. Well, to be fairly honest, one had run away early on to wreak vengeance on his older brother, so he couldn't say much for him. Another went off traveling with one of the legendary Sannin, his legendary power only barely being overshadowed by his equally legendary perverseness. And Naruto never really showed any kind of maturity, so him growing up was questionable at best. No, the only one he could with any certainty say was truly mature was the one that was overlooked, mainly by him, and he cringed at the thought.

While he had focused on the two that had seemed to have the most potential he had completely passed over the pink haired kunoichi, never truly seeing what laid underneath, completely disregarding his very own principle for living. But even as he abandoned her, just like the one that had become a rogue ninja, she had managed to pick herself back up again, dusting herself off and even found a better teacher than himself. The Legendary Sannin Tsunade, or the Slug Queen as some would call her. Her medical skills far surpassed any villages, and her strength exceeded that of 100 men. Yes, Sakura had done right asking for Tsunade's help. Under her tutelage she had grown, blossomed if you will, like the very flower she was named for. Into a strong, capable, determined kunoichi. One that could break a mountain around you and put you back together with those very same hands. One that the Village Hidden in the Leaves considered its blossom, for she was loved by the majority of the populace for her skills and compassion.

Kakashi had many regrets in his life and overlooking her potential would always haunt him in the back of his mind, and yet he also saw it as a necessity. If he hadn't only focused on Naruto and Sasuke, then Sakura wouldn't have had the courage to look for a more skilled teacher than himself and she wouldn't be the most skilled medical ninja in the Hidden Leaf to date. She was even rumored to have surpassed her Shishou, and that right there said just how much Sakura was dedicated to her work and her village.

Looking up from his book, his eye darted in the direction Gemna indicated and fell upon a small hunched over figure, looking for all the world like they wished everything around them would disappear. He knew that look well and was plagued by that feeling for most of his life. A dark cloud seemed to hang over the usually amicable young woman and the heaviness around her shoulders indicated an immense feeling of self loathing. His brow furrowed, suddenly feeling a strong sense of foreboding and restlessness. Something was majorly wrong with this picture, but he couldn't seem to put his finger on it as it seemed to dodge his attempt to pin the feeling down.

"Well? Aren't you going to go over there and see what's wrong?" Genma inquired, raising a brow at the Copy Ninja.

"What makes you think anything's wrong?" Kakashi murmured back, his attention going back to his book wanting to be anywhere but there. Oh, he knew something was wrong alright, but he had no intention of forcing anything of an irate young woman. Sakura had a volatile temper when pushed and he had no desire to visit the emergency ward tonight. Besides, he wasn't exactly known for his social demeanor in any respect. It was pretty much non-existent and he accepted that fact and embraced it. Kakashi wasn't a busybody like Genma and he preferred to be left alone, and expected the same treatment back. Unfortunately, when Genma got his teeth into something he had the tenacity of a junkyard dog, he just wouldn't let it go.

"Tch, don't even try to fool me, I know you too damn well for that." Genma snorted disdainfully taking a swig of his beer before leveling a glare at his companion across from him, currently doing his damnedest to crawl back into his shell.

"It's obvious somethings wrong, cause whenever we see her she's always lively with a smile plastered on her face. Not to mention she usually has that blond bombshell with her. You know the one with the big headli..."

Kakashi cleared his throat loudly cutting off that train of thought immediately, his eye flicking to the pink haired woman seemingly entranced with the drink in front of her. If she wasn't in a good mood, Genma didn't need to add insult to injury by saying such things about Sakura's best friend. Genma rolled his eyes at his friends antics.

"Oh like you never noticed. Anyways, that's not the point," and as if to emphasize his words he pointed his beer bottle at the lazy Jounin across from him.

"The point is, it's your duty to go over there and see whats up with her."

"Actually, Genma, no it's not. She hasn't been my student for years and I am not her Sensei anymore and I doubt she'd want me butting into her personal business. Besides, I really don't want to chance a close encounter with her fists. Especially if she's half in the bag already. But, if you feel so inclined as to put your life in jeopardy, then by all means go for it. Just don't come crying to me when she puts you through the wall." Kakashi remarked flippantly, turning a page in his book.

Genma grunted, clearly annoyed at his friends obtuseness. He knew Kakashi was socially stunted and sometimes he needed a proverbial kick in the ass to get the point across to the man. But the act of prodding him to do the right thing was like doing a marathon training session with Gai and Lee. You might come out of it stronger, or you might just be driven into a rubber room. It was always fifty-fifty with him. Just another danger in the average life of a Shinobi. Opening his mouth to argue yet again, he stopped, seeing movement at the bar. A young dark-haired man sat down next to Sakura, leaning into her slightly, talking in low tones.

"Either way it seems she's got someone to confide in so I'm not needed after all." The Copy Ninja remarked, pushing himself to his feet and proceeding out of the bar intent on getting to bed after paying his respects, he had a mission in the morning. Waving a hand in farewell, he strolled out into the night, a squawk of outrage following him.

"Oi! You forgot to pay your damn tab you bastard!"

Sakura's POV

Sakura shuffled into the bar quietly, picking out a stool and plopping onto it ordering a strong vodka tonic. Slouching down she hoped no one noticed her tonight, especially a loud mouthed blonde named Ino. But seeing as how most of the older generation of Shinobi frequented this bar, she knew it was a long shot to run into her here. Ino preferred the flashy night clubs complete with dance floors and an overabundance of slightly sloshed Chunins and Jounins to pick from of the younger generation. So, Sakura was sure she was safe, from her at least. She really didn't want to dodge any questions nor any accusations that she had deliberately come out without her wing-woman as she was called. She ruffled her bubble gum colored hair and yawned, her long shift at the hospital finally catching up to her. The bartender passed the drink to her and she threw it back in one gulp, the burning sliding down her throat making her cough slightly, ordering another. She could feel the familiar warmness flooding into the pit of her stomach, the warm fuzziness clouding her normally sharp senses, her tongue getting thick in her mouth, vision swimming as objects seem to move around her. Throwing back the next drink she ordered another, the bartender chastising her, telling her to go easy on the booze.

Looking up from the empty glass she directed her gaze to the man in front of her. His breath seemed to be stolen from his lungs as empty emerald eyes met his own. Making him feel like he was falling into a black hole, he knew that look. It was a normal occurrence in his profession of slinging drinks and being an impromptu therapist. That was the look of someone teetering on the edge of oblivion, the look of someone not giving a damn. He sighed deeply, saying the drink would be right up and walked away to mix another for the poor soul currently on a mission to forget life even existed.

Satisfied, Sakura bent over the bar, her head resting in the palm of her hand, willing the world surrounding her to fade away to nothingness. Idly she picked at the blood still under her nails from the multiple surgeries during her shift. The flakes crumbled away, drifting to the smooth wood surface of the bar drawing her attention. She could feel it coming, it always did when she had nothing occupying her brain and she braced for it, but knew that it was unavoidable. It was like a freight train on slick rails and like clockwork it always came and bowled her over. Sakura couldn't stand the idleness, the stillness, because she knew what would follow and she dreaded it every time.

Alone, that's how she felt, so utterly alone even with all these people around her, adrift in a sea with no hope of rescue. Though, to be honest, she didn't want rescue, she just wanted everyone and everything to go away. She didn't need anyone nor did she want anyone. Sakura liked her solitude, it was simpler this way. No one to get in the way, no one to push their arbitrarily fake optimism in her face. She was fine keeping to herself as long as everyone else did the same. Everyday it was getting harder and harder to keep up the fake exterior, the smile she forced on her face to show the world that she was okay, that everything was fine. Her mask was slipping and the bitterness was cracking through the façade, threatening to expose the grotesque wound festering under the surface. She could feel her soul splitting asunder under the constant pain and pressure to even function normally.

What was even considered normal anymore? Was it normal to want to drown yourself in your work for fear of reality taking over and paralyzing you? Is it normal to want to scream until your throat was hoarse and bloody and burst into uncontrollable tears the moment you're alone at home?

This wound had festered a long time and over the years she had gotten quite good at masking it, but lately the illusion was crumbling and she feared that one day she would just collapse from the strain. She didn't know how much longer she could keep all this bottled up inside before someone did something or said something to set her off, then there would be no going back. But she was nothing if not determined and stubborn to a fault. Sakura would latch onto the last shreds of her dignity and push everything else away. She would not give up and break down. She couldn't afford to. Too many people counted on her to let them down, so she would endure… somehow.

Sakura snapped out of her inner musings by someone sliding onto the stool beside her. She swung her gaze to the right intent on telling him to get lost, as she felt him lean into her, but stopped when familiar dark chocolate eyes locked on hers.

"Shikamaru, what are you doing here? Isn't it Team Ten's night for dinner?" Sakura remarked sighing, her tiredness leaking through as her voice cracked a bit. 'Kami, I so don't need this shit right now. The hell is he doing here anyway?'

"Hmm, let's just say I deemed the evening too troublesome to withstand and took my leave."

Sakura was distracted by her next drink being placed in front of her and she picked it up taking a healthy swallow of it, keeping watch on the Jounin next to her.

"So what are you doing in here alone, shooting back drinks like the world will be ending with the next sunrise?" He inquired, ordering a beer for himself, but keeping his attention on the kunoichi beside him.

"None of your business Shikamaru," She hissed out, glaring at him for putting his nose where it wasn't wanted.

'What does he care anyways? He always thinks everything is too troublesome to involve himself in situations, so why butt in now? Why me? Why did he have to grow a conscience tonight?' She wailed.

"You may not think it's my business Sakura, but when I see a close friend of mine self destructing before my very eyes, then I make it my business. So, we can do this a few ways. One, you can quit being such a bitch and tell me what's wrong." He continued as she glared heatedly at him.

"Two, you can deny for the rest of the night, but judging by the way you're throwing back drinks I won't have to wait long before your tongue is loosened and you'll wind up telling me anyway, making this a moot point. Or three, I can toss you over my shoulder in front of everyone, while you bitch and moan, and take you to my place where I will restrain you with my shadow jutsu until you tell me from sheer boredom. Your choice." He finished, his normally half hooded eyes narrowed in contemplation, watching her every move, making sure she wouldn't get away from him. Though if she did, it wouldn't be hard to find her, he knew her so well. Better than she knew anyway.

Sakura sat there for a moment in contemplation, her eyes never leaving the nosy shinobi next to her, as she traced a finger along the rim of her glass. There was a fourth option he neglected to mention, but knowing him he most likely didn't say it so as to not give her more ideas. She could use her deadly strength to put an end to this conversation really quick and go back to wallowing in her misery. The bar would just have one more hole and one less patron, though she snorted, from the sorry state the bar was in it might be an improvement. Narrowing her eyes on the lazy Jounin she weighed the pros and cons, thinking he most likely had done the same and was trying to be civil with her instead of a brash moron most men were known to be in these situations.

Sighing, she pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling a large migraine coming on. He was most likely planning ten moves ahead of her like the brilliant strategist he was, so she figured giving in wouldn't be too bad. She just wouldn't tell him everything.

'Damn him and his overly large brain,' She cursed mentally. Sighing deeply she ran a hand through her tangled pink tresses.

"Fine I'll talk to you, you stubborn ass, but not here. " She replied looking around.

"Lets go to your place then." Shikamaru insisted pushing to his feet as he slapped a few bills to cover the tab and placed his hand under her arm helping her as she stood unsteadily. "Looks like I'm gonna have to get some food into you to soak up some of that booze or you're going to have one hell of a hangover." He said chuckling, placing an arm around her, tucking her into his side and helping her out the door. "Wouldn't help anyway," She muttered, her face buried in his flak jacket. "Nothing helps, not anymore."

AN: Since this is my first multi-chapter story and my first fore into angst I will be starting this story out slow and work my way a bit deeper.

(¯`¥´¯`·.¸.:¨NIchiki ¨:.¸.·´¯`¥´¯)