More of a Father
The words echoed in Neal's head over and over again. More of a father. More of a father. More of a father. Repeating like a mantra…. a chant….. accompanied by the drum-like beating of his heart. When the words first left his mouth, Neal immediately realized the truth in them. In fact, he realized that they were the truest words he had ever spoken in his good for nothing life. Peter Burke had been more of a father than his own father had ever been or would ever be.
According to Mozzie, Neal definitely had daddy issues and Neal realized that those were probably the truest words his short, little friend had ever spoken. Daddy issues… He guessed he couldn't argue that point, after all.
Neal had been raised without a father and he remembered always wondering what it would have been like to have a father of his own. He had spent most of his childhood studying the fathers of his friends and classmates. He had watched fathers and sons at the park, wishing that he was a part of their lives. He watched as fathers played with their sons. He watched as fathers disciplined their sons for misbehaving. He watched as fathers took care of their sons when they were hurt or scared. At night, he often dreamt that he had a father that was better than any he had ever seen.
To Neal, there had always been something magical about fathers, something that he could never quite grasp. When he was a small child, he had asked his mother relentlessly why he didn't have a father, but she would always change the subject. Eventually, when he was older, she told him that he did have a father, but that his father had died a hero's death. From that point on, Neal was even more obsessed.
Neal now knew the truth of his father's existence and he had come to terms with the fact that all of his childhood had been a lie. His father hadn't died a hero's death. In fact, he hadn't died, at all. His father was alive and was trying to reinsert himself into Neal's life. There was a part of Neal that wanted desperately for his father to be the father of his dreams, but he knew that was only childish, wishful thinking. The man that was his father had been on the run for most of his life. The man that was his father had lived a life built on secrets and deceit. Like father, like son, right?
James Bennett didn't know Neal any better than Neal knew him, but at the moment they were both willing to try to get to know each other. Neal was amazed at how badly he wanted his father's approval, but the funny thing was that James Bennett's approval didn't mean nearly as much to him as Peter's. Why was that? Neal had never really thought of his handler as any more than a friend, but with the return of his father, he realized that Peter was much more than that.
Peter was the one that showed Neal that he could be a better man. Peter was the one that was there for him when Kate had died, when Ellen had died. Peter was the one that was always protecting Neal and covering for him, keeping him out of prison. Peter made sure that Neal took care of himself, and that he was okay, that he would always be okay.
Peter was exactly the type of father that Neal had wished for. That thought led Neal to imagining what it would have been like to have Peter as a father when he was growing up. Would Neal have chosen the path he did if he had had Peter's guidance? Would he have become a con artist and a criminal? Neal knew the answer to both of those questions was a resounding No!
Peter would have made sure that Neal had stayed in school. Neal would have definitely walked the straight and narrow under Peter's guidance. He knew that Peter wouldn't have put up with any nonsense from his son. He would be expected to go to school and get good grades like a good little boy. He would have been expected to be honest and trustworthy, law abiding, principled. Neal knew that if he were Peter's son, he would have done whatever he could to make his father proud of him.
After James had left, Neal continued to think about what his life would have been like as Neal Burke. He imagined dinners with Peter and Elizabeth and family game nights where he would beat Peter hands down in Chess or Scrabble. He imagined family vacations and Peter dragging them to fishing cabins and baseball games. He imagined what Christmas and Thanksgiving would have been like for them. Birthday parties and Fourth of July barbecues.
Of course, he knew it wouldn't be all roses and good times. There were bound to be bad times- he was still Neal, of course. That line of thought made him think about how Peter would have handled him when he misbehaved. Would it be like it was now, with Peter yelling and giving him strong looks of disapproval and disappointment? Would Peter have grounded him to his room, taking away all of his privileges? Would Peter have spanked him? That last thought brought a shudder to Neal's lean frame. He had only been spanked once in his life and it definitely wasn't a pleasant experience. He imagined it would be an even worse experience if Peter Burke was the one doling it out. That definitely would have been something to avoid at all cost.
This revelation had shaken Neal to his very core and had truly startled him. Until this moment, he had no idea just how much Peter meant to him. Until this moment, he never really, truly wondered just how much he meant to Peter, either. He had always hoped that Peter cared for him, but for the first time he realized that he hoped that Peter actually loved him- like a father loves a son.
Before he could think any further, a knock sounded at his door and he opened it to reveal Peter.
"Hey, Neal…..Where's your father?"
"Standing right in front of me," Neal mumbled.
Peter looked closely at Neal. "What was that, Neal? I didn't quite catch what you said."
"Never mind, Peter, it can wait. Can I get you a beer or something?"
Author's note: As I'm sure is the case with the rest of you, the scene where Neal told James that Peter was more of a father to him than he ever was was one of the best moments of White Collar for me. Almost as ahhh-inducing as when Neal told Peter that Rebecca looked at him the way El looked at Peter.
Anyway, that line has hatched many different Peter/Neal father/son stories in my head. I hope you enjoyed this little tidbit. It was begging to be written. Thanks for reading and hopefully reviewing.