Hi guys. I've been debating for months with this one but I've finally decided to just take the risk and post it. This is different from my other stories. It's a reflection on my original writing that I do and incorporates themes I'm much more familiar with than purely romance. This story explores a lot of other issues as well but rest assured there is a HEA as I love a HEA. My characters in this story are complex and there's definitely no insta-romance. This story will reflect reality a little more and showcases the topics I explore in other avenues. This story is rated M 18+ and explores substance abuse, sexual dependency and other mature themes.

That said, it is a fifty shades fic, Christian is as hot as ever and drawn to the beautiful broken Ana. I hope you enjoy this new story, this new story, and continue to support me and leave reviews, favourite and subscribe!

Chapters will be longer. This story will be updated weekly.

As always, love, Elizabeth x

INTRO

We lay side by side on the grass, the sun shining directly over our faces. It's at the point where it feels uncomfortable but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore.

So we'll stay, and we'll burn, until the sun transforms into the moon and back again. Peace. Bliss.

Clarity.

My mind takes me back to a thousand lifetimes ago. A different bed of grass, a different dress, the same sun and a different boy holding my hand. A time when all was right in the world and everything was perfect. But his voice asking me to open my eyes tells me that my thoughts are imaginary and I need to wake up in the real world.

He hovers over me, grinning and trying to evoke the same reaction in me. I mimic him, the way I mimic the girl in the mirror each morning as she draws on her eyeliner and brushes her hair. When his lips brush mine I part them willingly, letting his tongue wash over mine. The urge to feel close to somebody, anybody, is a need I cannot escape and that is why I keep my friend so close. Too close.

But over the last year, I've learned that if I keep my eyes closed, I can pretend he's him. His lips kissing mine, his hands all over my skin. His voice whispering in my ear while my eyes are begging me to let them cry. Even for a second, I can pretend he's here.

Several hours later, when the high has worn off, I stand. The sun has long faded and it's cold now.

"I'm going home," I tell Jose, gathering my things from the floor.

"Am I coming or not?" He asks this as he stands also.

I shake my head as I pull by bag-pack over my shoulders. I can't bring myself to look at him directly. I feel bad, but not bad enough.

"Tomorrow?" He asks hopefully.

"You know I have a test." I tell him, starting to walk. The grass is damp and it's soaking through my thin canvas shoes.

It's tragic how we didn't even realise it had been raining.

"You know you'll ace that Ana," he tells me. He places his hand in my own and I don't have the heart to push it away. "You always do."

"I still need to study for a few hours," I say.

He sighs but doesn't comment further. I sigh too and give in.

"But I'll see you tomorrow night."

The smile on his face was worth it.

Jose walks me right to my door and kisses me goodnight. It's all very sweet but a more appropriate ending to the classic dinner date and a movie. Not getting high and having a sex marathon in the abandoned field by the brook. Nevertheless, I let him.

It's okay to pretend sometimes.

When he's gone I let myself into my apartment. Round one of the evening was Jose, round 2? Katherine Kavanagh.

She's in Victoria Secret underwear sprawled out on the couch eating chips. I join her. We eat in silence for a while, watching her trashy reality show on TV.

"Sex and drugs in the park?" She asks.

I roll my eyes and reach for the TV remote.

"Weed and love making in the field." I tell her.

She looks at me and I look at her. We both burst out laughing for 5 minutes straight.

"Lovemaking with Jose," she cries with laughter. "Please never say that again."

"I promise." My stomach hurts from laughing so much.

We both calm down a few seconds later. I know what's about to happen and I try to banish it away but I can't. It's what happens after I'm high and drunk.

My come downs are my breakdowns.

"Eat the rest Ana," Kate encourages me.

I shake my head and stare at my nails. They're so fucking pretty and pink. Kate made me get them done yesterday with her because she's a Barbie doll and I'm her Barbie doll protégée.

"Come here." She pulls me roughly by the arm until I'm nuzzling into her boobs. She runs her fingers through my hair as I cry.

"Let it out," she murmurs. "You'll be okay."

"I love you so much," I tell her. It's true. She's everything to me. "You know that right?"

"I know," Kate assures me. "I love you too."

She soothes me until I fall asleep. I cry myself to sleep in my best friend's arms night after night and it's the saddest thing ever.

Kate wakes me at 8am. I've had 6 hours sleep and my head feels like it's on fire. She hovers over me, fully dressed in a beautiful white skirt suit holding a large ice coffee and two tablets.

"Take these and get in the shower," she instructs. "I don't have to leave until quarter to so I'll be able to do your hair for you."

"Okay. Thank you." I take the tablets and a large sip of coffee. "You look amazing by the way."

She twirls for me and I smile. She's going to her internship today for a huge Television company. She's confident, beautiful and smarter than anyone I've ever met.

"We still need to find you something," she tells me, taking the coffee from my hand before I stand.

I stretch and yawn. "I'm an English literature major. It's hard to find internships."

"It doesn't have to be related to English right?. It can be anything. I found something interesting at Grey Enterprises Holdings but we'll look more tonight okay? Just focus on your test today. Get in the shower."

"Yes mother." I reply sarcastically.

I have my shower and eat a bowl of chocolate cereal while Kate blow dries my hair and styles it for me. In addition to being the world's greatest aspiring journalist, she's also an expert beautician who loves to use me as her number one model. When she's finished, I dress in my jeans and shirt and fix my makeup.

"You should probably be with Jose tonight," she tells me, stepping into her white Louboutin's. "I won't be back until late."

"I thought you finished at 6," I remind her, putting on my converse.

"Yeah but I've got dinner with Tiffany at 7." She doesn't quite look at me.

I make a face and roll my eyes. "Fucking Tiffany Blanch. Really?"

"Stop it Ana. She's a potential business partner." She comes over to me and gives me a hug. "You know you're my number one."

"Number two after 8 inch Mark," I smirk.

"Oh please," she flicks her blonde hair over her shoulders as she walks to the door. "He's just a piece of ass."

I laugh and she closes the door. "GOOD LUCK." I shout. I don't know whether she hears me.

Once alone, I sit on the couch and check my phone. My test isn't until eleven so I have a few hours to kill. 4 messages from Jose and it's barely 9am.

1. Morning baby, how you feeling .xox

2. Want me to grab anything for you on the way?

3. Subway? Mcdonalds? Starbucks? Let me know babe xx

4. Ana let me know! X

I think about 4 messages that I could reply with. They'd go something like this:

1. I'm sorry

2. I don't mean to keep on hurting you but I need you. It's killing me inside.

3. You deserve so much better

4. I can never be who you need me to be. I'll always be with him.

Instead, I decide to send a much simpler message.

Starbucks sounds good. You know my favourite. x

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