Kurt just stares as Blain stands at the front of the room and sings. He wasn't sure what to do. That wasn't all that important because he wasn't sure he would actually be able to think clearly enough to move anyway. Everyone was looking at him, he could practically hear some of them gloating that the so-called perfect couple was having problems. The only one that looked sympathetic was their coach. Leave it to Schuester to pick now to be in his corner.
"Pack your bags, up and leave, don't you dare come running back to me." Well that was pretty clear. Even his spinning brain could get the message there. If the message was something other than his boyfriend of over a year dumping him in front of all their friends he might be able to process it further. He briefly wonders if a breaking heart and a heart attack feel anything the same, because he really feels like he's going to die. Given that nearly the entire Glee club is singing along with his break up song ceasing to exist all together sounded like a pretty good plan.
Finally, finally, after what seemed like hours the song was over and Blaine walked out. He's pretty sure he's actually shaking and he barely hears as Mr. Schue quietly ends practice early. He just needs to get out of there without a total breakdown. Suddenly there is a hand on his arm and he calms for a minute, thinking maybe Blaine came back to talk to him. It's Puck.
"Come on, let's get you out of here," Puck says, picking up his bag and practically dragging him out the door before he even knows what is happening.
He nods and manages to whisper, "You?"
Puck shakes his head, "That sucked. Nobody deserves that, and I told you I'd have your back. Besides, for once nobody is going to think this is my fault. You wanna get drunk? I've gotta tell you though, it usually just makes things worse."
"Can you drive me home? I don't think I can," he says shuffling out to the parking lot, his eyes trained on the floor.
Puck reaches over and took the keys to the Navigator from him. "Yeah sure, I'll make Finn or Sam drive me back for my truck. Don't worry, I told Finn he couldn't beat Blaine up until we know what happened."
Kurt shook his head; he didn't think that was a problem. Finn and Sam had both been cheated on; they both had no problem singing along as Blaine dumped him. Blaine had broken up with him. He knew Blaine was upset over Chandler, even if he thought he was blowing things out of proportion. He didn't expect this though. He thought they'd talk it out like they always do, he'd delete Chandler from his phone, maybe let Blaine listen to his Top 40 a little more often when they were together and they'd work it out.
Of course his phone has been going crazy since he walked at the door and he decides he might as well look as Puck pulls out of the McKinley parking lot. Fifteen new texts and five missed calls, two texts and one call from Blaine. He deletes everything without a second thought and turns his phone off. He's not ready to deal with Blaine asking for his stuff back or whatever it is that people do when their first love doesn't love them anymore. He's not ready for his friends to turn into vultures for the gossip over his dead relationship. He is definitely not ready for Rachel's "I told you so".
Puck doesn't try to get him to talk on the way home and he's grateful. He just needs to hold on a little longer. When they pull up to the house Kurt is thankful that Sam seems to be the only one home. He can send him out with Puck and deal with this without any awkward questions. Puck seems to read his mind and squeezes his shoulder awkwardly, "You okay from here bro? Sam and I will go get my car and grab a pizza or something."
Kurt just nods. "Thanks Puck," he says quietly before slowly climbing the stairs to his room. As he tosses his bag and jacket on the desk chair he hears the front door slam and finally allows himself to let go.
It's slow at first. The words "he broke up with me" on repeat in his mind like it's a track on his iPod he listens to over and over again. The numbness is starting to wear off, however, and it's becoming more of a screaming realization than a quiet refrain. Blaine dumped him in front of everyone that matters to him, besides his dad and Carole, who he's sure will hear all about it from Finn before dinner is even on the table.
Blaine called him a cheater, and sang a song to tell him get away from him, permanently. How was he even going to do this? They still had a month left at school, they still had Nationals. He wasn't going to get another prom to try to have the perfect night with Blaine that had been stolen from him last time. He had been planning to get them a hotel room, to trust Blaine with the one thing they hadn't done yet. Instead everything was destroyed.
He still couldn't believe it. He would never have done anything with Chandler, ever. Chandler wasn't nearly as hot as Blaine, and more importantly he wasn't the best friend that Kurt had always dreamed of having. Blaine was all that and more and now he wanted Kurt out of his life. He threw himself on the bed, hand wrapped around the little stuffed penguin Blaine had given him for their six month anniversary, and sobbed until he couldn't do anything but just lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling.
Kurt stayed pretty much in the same position, face down in his pillow with the penguin in hand, for hours. He felt too empty to do anything else. He could hear the rest of his family coming home and hoped they would just leave him alone.
Finn was the first to knock on his door, "Are you okay, dude? Look, stuff happens. Rachel and I break up all the time, not that I'm saying one of you is the girlfriend. I know, I know, you've told me before nobody's the girl."
Kurt shook his head, of course he'd finally get through to Finn when it didn't matter anymore, "I know what you mean Finn, but Blaine was pretty clear. He'll be happier if I just go to New York and leave him alone and that's what I'm going to do. Right now I just want to be alone."
For the last year whenever he'd thought of New York he's fast forwarded to when he and Blaine would be there together. He imagined sharing an apartment, walks in central park, and trying out new coffee places until they found one they like. He realizes now he was being a foolish child and it was too much to hope for. Blaine hated him, and Kurt was starting to understand how much his texts from Chandler had hurt his boyfriend, his ex-boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. He lets the word sit for a minute, tries to wrap his head around it. It's not really working.
His dad brings him some dinner a little later. He knows he won't eat any of it. "Hey buddy, do you want to talk about it?"
"You don't want to hear about it," Kurt said. If he was honest with himself he could admit that he didn't really want to admit to his dad what he had done. It wasn't right, and it sure as hell wasn't okay. If only he'd figured that out when it would do him some good.
"Kurt, I know what I said, but I've had some time to get used to the idea. If you need to talk about boys I'll listen or if you'd rather I can send Carole up." His dad looks so nervous he's practically crushing the cap in his hands.
He forces a small smile and it's practically painful, "Thanks dad, we're getting okay at this aren't we? I'm just not ready to talk to anyone."
"Okay, just don't get too down on yourself. Relationships don't always work out the way we think they will." his dad says.
Kurt nods and swallows, "Dad? Can I stay home tomorrow? Most of my teachers have already given up trying to get the seniors to do anything, and I'm not ready to face everyone yet."
His dad looks thoughtful, "One day, kiddo. That's it."
"Thanks dad," Kurt whispers. His dad nods and leaves a mug of warm milk on the desk. Kurt drinks it and goes to sleep even though it's not even nine.
He has a lovely non-depressed moment the next morning before he wakes up fully and remembers what a mess his life is. It all crashes down on him again, but now instead of being sad he realizes he's angry. In fact he's furious. How dare Blaine dump in front of his friends? How dare he do it in the choir room, one place Kurt has always been safe? Kurt stomps over to the door, opens it wide and slams it as hard as he can manage. The wall shakes a bit and it makes a rather satisfying thump. It's a start.
Blaine is upset about some texts when he let Sebastian sleaze all over him. Blaine gave Sebastian their set list but somehow Kurt is the bad guy for wanting a friend in New York!
Moving towards the desk he grabs the pile of Vogue he and Blaine were looking through weeks ago, the last time they'd spent any real time together outside of Glee. One by one he takes them and hurls them at the wall watching as perfume samples and subscription cards spray the floor.
Stupid Blaine. How dare Blaine try to turn his transfer back on Kurt when he promised he did it for himself! Stupid Blaine who gets all the solos. Stupid Blaine who gets invited to guys' nights and is "man enough" to play Tony.
He picks up a throw pillow from the bed and starts beating it against the bed. Lifting it up, and slamming it down. Picturing Blaine, picturing Sebastian, picturing Chandler, picturing himself.
Stupid, oblivious Blaine who never notices the guys (and girls) trailing after him. Stupid Blaine who doesn't look at him like he used to. Stupid Kurt who let his need to get his ego stroked come between them. Stupid Kurt who traded tacky pick-up lines with some random instead of talking to his boyfriend. Stupid Kurt let the best thing that ever happened to him slip through his fingers.
It wasn't until he dropped the pillow and collapsed exhausted on the bed that he realized he was crying again. It had felt so good to blame everything on Blaine, but he couldn't keep lying to himself. This whole situation might not be one hundred percent his fault, but he crossed a line and he knew it. He really hated when Rachel was right, and he was starting to hate himself for driving Blaine away for good.
He was sweaty and disgusting and his room was a disaster. He'd take a shower and then go back to bed. The mess would wait, but his skin wouldn't. Maybe later he'd figure out how to show his face at Glee tomorrow. Maybe later it wouldn't hurt so much to pack up Blaine's stuff and ask Rachel to give it back to him.
*****KB****
Blaine didn't stick around for the reaction to his Whitney assignment. It felt good to get that out of his system, but he was still riled up and he didn't want to talk things out with Kurt until he calmed down.
Kurt didn't seem to react at all, but that didn't mean anything. Kurt had better armor than even Blaine, and that was saying something. He wondered if Kurt still thought he didn't do anything wrong, but then he started to get upset again and stopped himself. It wouldn't do any good; they just had to talk about it calmly. It would be okay, it had to be.
When he reached his car he stopped to text Kurt, "Can I come over tonight? I want to talk this out."
When he stopped at the library for some books for his history project he still hadn't heard from his boyfriend, so he sent another text "I'd really like to see you. I'm not angry anymore."
By the time he got home he was a little worried, so he tried calling. Kurt's phone went right to voicemail, and he decided not to leave a message. Maybe Kurt needed some time. Blaine would find him before school and set up a time to talk, maybe they could go out for lunch or something.
He was waiting by Kurt's locker, a latte-as-olive-branch in his hand when Finn walked by. "He didn't want to come to school today," Finn said, obviously confused by Blaine's presence. Blaine didn't think anything of it; it was weird that Kurt hadn't let him know he was sick today after all.
Blaine tried calling Kurt a few more times when he got a chance, but it always went straight to voicemail.
It was weird that Mercedes and Tina kind of glared at him when they past in the hall, and Mike just put up his hands like he didn't want to get involved. Mercedes especially was pretty protective of Whitney; maybe he hadn't done as good a job with his song as he'd thought. He'd try harder next time.
Things got really weird when Puck bumped into him and knocked all his books on the floor. The other boy apologized but Blaine still felt like it hadn't really been an accident. Maybe he was still a little paranoid being back in public school.
The weirdness continued when Brittany came up to him and said sadly, "I really thought you two were swans, but I guess you're just a plain old dolphin after all. Kurt's a unicorn, and my favorite ex-boyfriend, and he can do better." Well, that hurt. It was kind of awful to tell someone their boyfriend could do better. He knew Brittany was friends with Santana and Quinn but he didn't know she was so mean on her own. He could just let it go, it wouldn't be the first time the insults just rolled off his back, but it was all starting to wear him down.
It didn't matter, after school he would go and see Kurt. They could talk and everything would be better. Blaine's day was always better with Kurt in it anyway. He'd finally come to the conclusion that their problems lately came down to lack of Kurt, both in reality and in the threat of future lack of Kurt.
He was well aware he wasn't blameless in this. For starters he could have talked to Kurt weeks ago about how he felt. It's just that he didn't want to be unsupportive, and then Cooper showed up threw everything into a tailspin for days, and they'd had so much fun dancing, but it just wasn't the right time to bring things up.
It just hurts that Kurt would do something like that; he didn't think he was so easily replaced. It wasn't that Kurt was texting someone who happened to be gay. Kurt could have friends. He knows exactly how terrifying it is to go to a new place and wonder if anyone will like you enough to be your friend. It was that Kurt was texting the same kind of things he had called Sebastian out for at the beginning of the year. Honestly, Sebastian's attempts had been a lot classier. Blaine had made it clear over and over he'd had a boyfriend, but Kurt hadn't even mentioned him to Chandler. It just hurt.
He was gathering the last of his things from his locker when he felt a sharp poke in his shoulder. He turned around to find Santana looking at him like she was sizing him up. He swallowed hard, "Can I help you?"
"I don't know Preppy-fug-shoes, I may have misjudged you," she said. He tried not to react, he liked his shoes just fine and this was just what Santana did. She didn't let him speak, "I've done some pretty bitchy things up in here, but dumping someone by singing them a song in front of all their friends is pretty hardcore cold."
Um, huh? What was she talking about? Did people think he and Kurt broke up? Is that why everyone has been so weird today? Damn rumor mill.
He shook his head, "Santana it isn't like that. Kurt and I didn't break up. We just hit a little rough patch and I thought it might help to sing out my feelings. Kurt suggested it when I was upset with my brother."
Santana was still giving him a look, and it was hard not to squirm. "Does Hummel know that? Because Puck said he was too wacked out to drive himself home. Finnessa said he won't come out of his room and he slept in his clothes last night."
Okay, that wasn't good. In fact Blaine was starting to realize that something was very wrong here and he seemed to be the last one to know about it.
"I have to go. Tell Mr. Schue I'm sorry but I have to miss practice. I need to see Kurt, and I'd better get there before his dad gets home," Blaine said, tossing things into his satchel as quickly as he could.
"Oooh, you'd better hurry before Papa Hummel gets the blowtorch. Just a tip: I think the public humiliation just evened up the score quite a bit. You might want to remember that," Santana said as he jogged past her to his car.
When he got to his car he threw his bag in back, started the car and hit the gas. He had to talk to Kurt, he just hoped he wasn't too late.
***KB***
Kurt managed to roll about halfway over and bury his head in his pillow when he heard the car pull up. Either Finn had forgotten something he needed for rehearsal, or his dad was coming to check on him. He reached over and turned up the playlist of what he considered the most depressing songs in the Broadway catalog before going back to his wallowing.
He heard the front door slam, and pulled the blanket up a little higher. The pounding up the stairs meant it was probably Finn. Hopefully he would think Kurt was asleep and not bother him. Apparently things were just not going in his favor, because he heard the door to his bedroom open. Of all the times not to lock it.
He raised his head far enough to tell Finn to go away and stopped. Blaine was standing in bedroom, breathing hard like he'd just run a marathon. Kurt just stared at him, trying and failing to keep the tears under control, it didn't make him a pushover though. "If you've come to throw eggs at me or something it's been done."
Blaine was looking at him and he looked like he was about to cry himself, "I'd never. Kurt, I'm not sure what you think happened but I love you so much it scares me sometimes. I have no intention of breaking up with you. Unless that's what you want."
"Of course you broke up with me, you told everyone I cheated on you and then sang that song. I'm not stupid. When you said "Don't you dare come running back to me", "I'd rather be alone than unhappy" and "I'm moving on and I refuse to turn back" I got the point," Kurt said bitterly. Why was Blaine messing with him, wasn't he pathetic enough?"
"Oh my God. Kurt, no," Blaine was shaking his head, "No, no, no. I'm so sorry. That stupid song. Why do I always pick the worst possible songs?"
Kurt finally looked up at him, starting to believe that maybe it had all been a mistake, "You don't want me to move to New York so you never have to see me again? You don't hate me?"
Blaine was crying now but he very carefully sat down on the bed and pulled a limp Kurt onto his lap so his head rested on Blaine's shoulder, "Kurt, I love you. I mean it. I don't think I could ever hate you, but I certainly don't right now. Yes, you hurt me. Yes, there are some things we need to talk about, especially before you go to New York. But please believe me when I say that I want to get through this together. Didn't you get my texts? I tried to call you."
Kurt managed a small smile and wrapped his arms around Blaine's neck, "I may have been upset enough to delete everything without looking and turn my phone off. I'm so sorry about Chandler, and I'm more sorry I didn't take your feelings about it seriously. I've asked him to stop texting me and deleted him from my phone. I don't care about him. I only ever want you. "
He could feel Blaine let out a breath. "I'm glad to hear that. I think I need to apologize to you as well. First, for singing that in front of everyone. I guess I got a little carried away with that sing out your feelings thing," Blaine said dropping his head to place a soft kiss on Kurt's forehead.
Kurt snuggled into Blaine further, "You do have a habit of picking really inappropriate songs. Okay, you're forgiven for that."
Blaine smiled, "I also want to apologize because I think I haven't been as honest with you as I should be. Total honesty is a lot to live up to sometimes."
Kurt pulled back a little, what was Blaine talking about? Was this about Sebastian?
"Did something happen with Sebastian?" Kurt asked quietly, whatever happened he could deal with it. It couldn't hurt as badly as not being with Blaine.
"No, and it never will. I think maybe I didn't understand how he made you feel if it still bothers you this much. Can we please just forget about him?"
"I like the sound of that," Kurt said.
"What I was trying to say is that I know that you are going to get in to NYADA and you are going to be amazing. I know you are excited; and you should be, but it scares me too. I'm terrified of losing you, and I think maybe I've been pushing away a little so it won't hurt so much. I told you once that I don't know what I'm doing, but I wish you didn't have to suffer every time I prove it."
Oh. That's why things had been so weird between them. Kurt reached up and cupped Blaine's cheek, "You won't lose me. We can Skype all the time, and we'll find some way to visit. We can do this, but you're right. We have to be honest with each other about how we're feeling. I should have just told you I missed us being us. I don't know what I'm doing either, but I think overall you're a pretty amazing boyfriend."
Blaine smiled and pecked him on the lips, "Well, you're not so bad."
Kurt pinched him. "Okay, okay! Overall you're a pretty amazing boyfriend too," Blaine said laughing. Kurt slid off Blaine's lap so they were lying side by side instead. It was so good to laugh together. He took both Blaine's hands in his, "Total honesty? Always?"
Blaine smiled and squeezed his hand, "Always."
Kurt raised an eyebrow, "Then there are honestly some things I want to do with you before my dad gets home."
Blaine pulled Kurt on top of him, "Yeah, I really like this honesty thing."