Disclaimer: I don't the Office, Amy Winehouse, or my house for that matter.
Summary: Perspectives of the four romances of 'The Office':Jim/Pam, Kelly/Ryan, Dwight/Angela/Andy, Michael/Jan
A/N: Hey everybody. I had a little bit of a writer's block. Mostly because I had three midterms this past week, and missed the Office episode because of my retarded study group. Ugh! I saw it later though. It was soooo good. So, anyway, this is my first stab at angst. Reviews are crucial! I'm posting the couples in separate chapters, but I'm posting them at the same time. Thanks again and I hope you like.
This is dedicated to the writers of 'The Office' and everyone else in the strike.
Jim/Pam's thoughts: (Between 'The Job' and 'Fun Run'. Flashbacks throughout Season 3)
Pam and Jim are sitting at the kitchen table. They're both reading the Sunday paper. He's reading the Sports section. She's reading the Art & Sciences section. She puts down the paper to take the a sip of her tea as he takes a sip of his coffee. They're eyes meet. They both smile. Jim goes back to the paper, however Pam laughs to herself, watching the love of her life across the table.Pam:
I barely think about Roy anymore. Slowly but surely, he has become something of a memory, a long distant memory. I used to think about him often. When I was awake at 2:30 in the morning, eating bon-bons and watching has-been stars sell compilation CDs. I thought about Roy when it was cold outside and no matter how many blankets and throws I had on, I was still freezing. Mostly, I thought about Roy when it started to rain and no one was around, just me, alone. Trust me, listening to Amy Winehouse's 'Wake Up Alone' was not the best choice for me. More often than not, my thoughts always came back to Jim. No matter how many times I thought about Roy, the longing and pain seemed to always wonder off to Jim. When I was still with Roy, I missed Jim.
Jim left for Stamford, with no warning, just gone. I was crushed. I know, how could I say goodbye to him, but I would have liked to have to chance. When he left for Stamford, my heart ached for him. Every time I looked up at Jim's old desk and saw Ryan, my stomach would have this queasy feeling to I, never being able to settle. He was my best friend. I didn't care if we kissed. He was the only one who got me, and the more I realized that, the more I missed him. Having Roy around only made the longing for Jim intensify. So I ended it. I thought maybe if I left Roy, I wouldn't think of Jim as much. Maybe than I could stop hurting.
I thought I could focus on me; trying to make myself better, make myself better for me. I changed my hair a few times, took a couple of art classes, bought new clothes, seeing if there was a rebellious chick screaming to break out. I even tried to do my own pranks around the office, giving Dwight secret fake CIA forms to fill out and get him to tell me his secrets. I tried to hang out with Kelly a little more, but she was always either making out with Ryan or talking about making out with Ryan, so 'nuff said. I couldn't really avoid Roy, but we had become quite civil. Still, I tried to dig deep and find someone I recognized, someone that I could grow into. But all I found was a broken woman, desperately trying to find someone to vent to, searching for a confidant, looking for a friend, and longing for Jim.
When he called after months of nothing, it was truly the highlight of my day, my week; it was the best thing that happened in months. Talking to him after all that time was so amazing and fun, getting to tell him about my misfortunate mistake of film choices. Getting to complain about my horrible, tiny apartment. And just being able to laugh at myself again, something that Jim always had a knack at. But knowing that eventually I would have to hang up was too painful to contemplate. Hearing him say he had to go broke my heart. I still had so much to tell him, like the bird funeral and Michael and Dwight's antics. But alas, it ended, leaving my heart feeling a little less empty before picking up the receiver.
Than, he came back. Well…I thought missing him in Stamford was hard, but missing him when he was only 20 feet away was torture. I thought we could at least try to be friends again. I knew things would be awkward but I never thought that we would be so disconnected, so out of sync. Simply, missing Jim became the constant in my life. There was a point that I thought maybe we could be friends again, but as soon as it came, the faster it was gone. I thought that after the talk, than after the prank on Andy, we would be back being partners in crime, but he seemed to act like I wasn't that entertaining.
Than the bitterness sat in. Seeing him happy made me hate him. Seeing him moving on so easily made me loathe him. But knowing that he was happy made me love him. I know, contradicting as it is, but isn't love contradicting? I hated him as much as I loved him. I just wanted to be important to him again, as important as he was to me, but I was simply asking for too much. I was tired of being cast aside for an upgraded version of myself. I wanted to loved and desired. I wanted to be held. I wanted to be needed. I wanted to be Jim's and only Jim's. But the powers at be sought it out to deny me of my wishes. This only made me hate and love Jim just as much, if not more so.
Hating and loving Jim came at a price. I sought refuge in the arms of Roy, probably my biggest mistake. I thought that he changed. He certainly acted differently, more considerate, more compatible with me than before. But deep down, I wanted to be Roy so I didn't have to wake up every morning in an empty bed, always cold, always alone. Being with Roy made me hate myself for needing someone next to me in bed or laugh with or talk to. The simple fact was Roy was only a prop that I could have lay next to me. I wanted things to work between us, but I couldn't do any of the things with Roy that I actually enjoyed. He never made me laugh. I could never talk to him about anything interesting, and when we did talk, he always agreed with what I said. When he flipped out over the Casino night kiss, I knew there was nothing else I could do to make it work. In the end, I realized that I was only grasping at straws with Roy and seeing a future with him and I was a joke. He simply wasn't the guy for me. I finally accepted that.
When I buried the hatchet with Roy, I realized what I wanted more than anything, Jim and his happiness. The thing I hated about Jim being with Karen was that I actually liked Karen. She was funny and smart and we even bonded a little at the Christmas party. She was a nice person. It wasn't as if I didn't like Karen with Jim. She was there for Jim when I couldn't be, when I didn't know how much he needed me, when I wasn't ready to let him in. For that, I will be eternally grateful. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt anyone. My mission was noble and true. What I wanted was for Jim to be happy, even though it meant not with me. He deserved that. And I was willing to sacrifice my own happiness in the process.
As the weeks went by, I saw that Jim was becoming more and more closer to Karen and more and more distant from me. I began to realize that Karen was becoming more suspicious of Jim and I and I knew that it was only a matter of time until she would find a way for them to leave Scranton for good. I wanted Jim to be happy, but I began to desire not just his happiness, but my own. I missed him terribly. I missed his laugh and how well it fit with my own. I missed playing tricks on Dwight with him, or just talking about what ridiculous reality show that premiered that week on TV. More than anything, I saw that window of opportunity closing faster and faster with every passing day. So, when David Wallace called for both Michael and Jim, I suspected something was up, but I never thought it would be the thing that would separate Jim and I, to take away Jim from me, again. I couldn't let that happen, not again, not without saying something.
At the beach, I was isolated as always. Michael made me take flipping score, watching everyone have fun. At moments like that, it just seemed like no one expected me to be anything more than a receptionist. I knew I wasn't a salesmen, but neither were many of the teammates. I felt really cast aside and unwanted. I knew they were stupid games, but I was just tired of being 'Little old Pam Beesly'. I just wanted to prove to everyone I guess that I was worthy of participation. That I was tougher than I looked, that I was not Pam Beesly, I was Fancy New Beesly. And I wanted to prove it to someone more than anything else.
At the coal walk, I found my voice. I walked across and found liberation, breaking free form the quiet Pam Beesly forever. I called everyone out about my art show, having the only attendants being Oscar, his lover and Michael. I spoke out about how everyone mistreated me over the years and that I deserve better than that. I should have been scared to tell Jim how I felt in front of everyone, but that was the old Pam, Fancy New Beesley didn't care about that, she spoke her mind. I spoke my heart's desires and told Jim how I felt, that I cared for him and only had his best interest at heart. In that moment, I felt alive, for the first time in a long time. I felt that I could do anything. I didn't care if I had three-degree burns and I might have to be rushed to the emergency room. I didn't care that his girlfriend was sitting right there. I didn't care that there was twenty people standing around or a big camera in my face. In that moment, the other employees' snarky remarks didn't faze me, because he knew the truth, he knew how I felt. And that's all that mattered.
Afterward, Jim and I became close again. Not nearly as close as before, but a definite start. I was able to laugh with him about Michael and Dwight. About what happen on Survivor or American Idol. It was definitely a good start. The day before the interview however, things were a little tense between Karen and me. Honestly, I couldn't care less. I wasn't trying to keep her friendship, if I ever had it for that matter. I couldn't think of anything to do. I just wanted Jim and me to stay friends, but I was still skeptical about the longevity of our friendship. I was about to give up and watch him walk out the door again when I saw something in the corner of my eye twinkle as I was making copies of Karen and Jim's sales reports. It was the gold yogurt lid from the Office Olympics. I got giddy just thinking about that day. Laughing to myself, I detached the lid from the chain and took out a message note. I tried to figure out what to write on the note but it was tricky, not wanting to be too forward, but enough so he knows I care. After I wrote the perfect message, I tucked it in Jim's folder. As he was getting ready to go, I couldn't help but anticipate him finding the note. Than he started to walk toward the door. Seeing him leave me was quite daunting. He waved goodbye and I said good luck to them both. I saw him walk through the door and than he was gone.
The day of the interview was actually kind of fun. I was like the new prankster around the office. Dwight saw leadership potential in me and made me 'Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager', which was pretty cool. We had a good time goofing off and yelling at different people. I tried to enjoy myself, but all I really wanted was for Jim to enjoy it with me. After Michael came back and everything went back to normal, I went to the conference room for an interview. Everything was normal until Jim walked though the door asking me out that evening. I didn't care where. I didn't care when. As long as it was with him, the rest would fall into place.
After that, I had come to the realization that Jim's friendship with me was strong and could stand the test of time, and that he knew that I would always be there to support him. And I'm still there for him. Just now, I'm the only one who can take away his pain, heal his wounds, care for him and love him unconditionally, like I've always have. And I always will. Looking at him read the scores to last night's game in deep concentration, I can't help but laugh. I'm finally found me. I'm a better person, but I'm only better because of him. So… yeah, I don't think about Roy much anymore.