But I Just Wanted Pink Haired Babies!
Crack!fic In which Voldemort's true reasons for trying to kill Harry are finally revealed. DracoGinny.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, I'm not making a profit from this fic, etc.
AN: This is my very first fic, I was hoping to publish a really dark, emo story about Draco and Ginny's love for each other, but this idea kept nagging me at 3:00 am last night and I had to publish it. Rated M for mature content and shameless stupidity.
One fine, crispy winter's afternoon, a very emotionally delicate Dark Lord sat on a plush, immaculate couch, playing with what appeared to be home-made Barbie dolls and making them talk in loving tones to each other. The first doll was actually a Ken doll with bleached blonde hair, little Slytherin robes, and a black skull drawn on his left forearm. The second doll, a Barbie dressed up with an elegant evening gown and hair that looked suspiciously like it was colored red with a sharpie, was in Lord Voldemort's hand, prancing around the couch and occasionally bending down to kiss the blonde-haired Ken doll on the cheek.
"Drakey Drakey Draco, of course I'll marry you, you sexthy slithery serpent lover," Voldemort said in a sing song voice as he moved the red headed doll around in a mildly disturbing little tango. He picked up the blonde doll called Draco and held it so its face was very close to the red head.
"Ginevra, darling, I just dieee a little every time you're not near. Do come by the manor for a spot of tea" Voldemort said in his best imitation of a stuffy English socialite's accent. "We can hold each other closely and relish in each other's company for hours."
"Absolutely, Draco. And then we can make love!" Voldemort squealed, pressing the two dolls together in a passionate embrace, imitating moaning and kissing sounds and trying to get the Draco doll to take off the Ginny doll's dress.
Voldemort was enjoying himself more than ever. As a huge Drinny fan, these play dates with his dolls were one of his favorite alone-time endeavors. Unbeknownst to Voldemort, however, a tall, extremely good looking man with devilish silver eyes and Fabio-esque blonde hair had heard some of these rather odd sounds and was making his way hesitantly towards the Dark Lord. He reached the living room, opened the door, and observed the scene before him with a mixture of revulsion and horror.
"Why you naughty girl, Ginny, let's say you and me-LUCIUS! What the HELL are you doing here??" Voldemort roared, hastily stuffing his Draco/Ginny figurines under the nearest cushion.
Lucius put a hand on his forehead in annoyance and said with gritted teeth "I live here."
"Oh," said Voldemort, taking in for the first time the numerous photos of Lucius, Narcissa, and Draco all over the deep purple walls and an enormous silver MALFOY FAMILY crest hanging above the fireplace. Funny I didn't notice that before, he thought. "Right, well I'm glad you're here because there is something über important that I need to discuss with you."
"Dare I ask what that might be?" Lucius asked with trepidation
"Yes, you do dare, actually," Voldemort sneered sarcastically. "Look, there isn't an easy way to say this. I'm growing older. Your son, a fine specimen I might add, is of reproductive age. He is tall, muscular, well bred, good with a wand, he has ideal bone structure, etc. etc. Arthur Weasley's daughter, a rather attractive, pure-blood little lady that the young people are calling a 'firecrotch' nowadays, is only a year younger, and I think that these two together" he motioned his hands excitedly back and forth "would, you know, maybe be able to join forces and help me out?..." He sighed at the blank, confused look on Lucius' face. Voldemort rolled his eyes at his subordinate's stupidity and, taking a deep breath, said, "Lucius, I need an heir."
Lucius raised an eyebrow. "You do?"
"Yes, I want someone to help me carry on my family line'
"I…don't really think I can help you with that, my Lord"
"No, not you, you idiot, your son! Draco Malfoy is the slice of heaven I've been looking for to carry on my legacy. Ginevra Weasley would be the perfect candidate to help Draco in this, um 'assignment,'" he smiled cheekily at Lucius. "Long live the pink haired babies, you know?" Voldemort suddenly conjured a red and white party noise maker out of thin air and blew on it enthusiastically.
Comprehension suddenly dawned on Lucius, and he twisted his face in disgust; "YOU WANT MY SON TO END UP WITH THAT GINGER-HEADED HUSSIE?!"
Voldemort narrowed his eyes and sent Lucius a deathstare. "Lucius, I swear to God if you cockblock Draco, I will have your nuts on a silver platter."
"My Lord…"
Voldemort held up a hand to silence him, pointing a finger at Lucius' nether region. "Your nuts. My platter. You will not be warned again. Anyhoo!" he continued, "the only thing that stands in the way of this beautiful union is…is…" He felt a lump growing in his throat and wanted to throw up a little bit as he said the name, "Harry Potter."
With the subject changed from the awkward matter of Draco's love life to the task at hand of killing Harry Potter, Lucius' demeanor lightened considerably. "Ah yes, the boy who lived," Lucius drawled with a sneer. "I suppose he is one of the few obstacles remaining between us and our vision of a healthy, exclusively pure-blood society."
Voldemort rolled his eyes and nodded his head half-heartedly in agreement. In all honesty, Voldemort didn't completely detest muggles. True, his father was kind of an ass hole and that had caused him some issues that he'd talked about in therapy, but other than that, he was just cool as a grapefruit with the lot of them. He was cool, that is, until he realized how important blood purity was to the Malfoys. If they didn't like muggles, then, damn it, he wouldn't either. He HAD to gain the Malfoys' respect so that he'd be able to play matchmaker with their one and only son, and if that meant causing the deaths of countless, innocent people in the process, so be it.
Eyes slightly glossy from the cozy thought of world domination, Lucius looked over to Voldemort and whispered quietly, "I do hope you remember the contents of the Hidden prophecy, my Lord?"
Voldemort shuddered. "Yess," he hissed, growing rigid and sour at the thought of the one prophecy they had successfully secured from the Ministry's clutches. He remembered its words well;
The one with the power to destroy Drinny's love approaches
Born to those who are of
The original Harry-Ginny-Draco Triangle
Formerly known as James-Lily-Snape
And the Dark Lord will pop a curse in his head
So he will die instead of dating a girl whose hair is red
And one ship must sink so the other may sail
For Ginny can't be with two men at a time
The one with the power to sink Drinny's ship
Will be born at the end of July
Voldemort had tried his damndest to snuff out that little baby the second Snape (another avid Draco/Ginny shipper) had revealed to him the last lines of that dreaded prophecy. But, without fail, Harry James Potter had been able to wiggle his way out of Voldemort's clutches every. single. time. This year, however, was different. This year, he HAD to make Drinny happen. He was tired of just playing with his Barbies any time he thought he was completely alone; he wanted to be able to actually see, actually smell Draco and Ginny being together. The time had come……
"Lucius," he said sadistically, "bring the Potter boy to the Manor. I will NOT have the prophecy fulfilled, or else I think I'll just turn myself into a baby at the end of the Seventh book so I can cry myself to sleep in a train station for the rest of eternity."
Lucius bowed in obedience. "It will be done, My Lord," and with that, he turned on his heel and left the room, leaving Voldemort alone with his Barbies and his fanfiction to tide him over until he could rectify the lack of Draco and Ginny in canon, once and for all.
AN: Did you love it?? I hope you did :) All reviews are welcome and greatly appreciated! Ch. 2 coming soon!