My Internet is Down and I'm Pissed Off So Here's A Drarry Fanfic

So, like, the Mirror of Erised is supposed to show you your deepest desires or whatever, and for as long as Harry knew about the darned thing, he saw his parents (except for that one time that he saw the sorcerer's stone because he forgot to care about his parents). Well yeah, so, the Great Hogwarts Battle of '98 just happened, and everybody's trying to rebuild their lives post-Voldemort having a totally normal mortal death. Like, Hermione and Ron won't stop making out, Mrs. Weasley can't keep track of which twin is dead and which is alive, Neville realizes that he could have done all this crap three books ago, and apparently Lavender Brown is dead or white or some shit. Everything is slowly restoring itself.

Hogwarts, for example, is under renovation. Wizard Movers (which is like the Uhaul of the wizarding world) is relocating magical objects until Hogwarts can be rebuilt. Harry—the ever so effervescent hero— offers to help Wizard Movers as it's 99% his fault that Hogwarts is pretty much demolished anyways. Ginny is like, "I'll help too, Harry!" but Harry doesn't want her doing any heavy lifting as she is pregnant with Voldemort's baby.

"For the last time, I'm not pregnant, Harry," Ginny sighs. "I was possessed by Voldemort, not impregnated. Plus, that happened like five years ago."

Harry shrugs. He realizes that he doesn't actually know what 'possessed' means, and he sure isn't going to admit that now.

"I just think you should go back at the Burrow or something," Harry presses. "I need some alone time because I technically just died earlier."

Ginny is like, "Cool, whatever." She goes back to the Burrow and doesn't really return for the rest of this fanfic.

So Harry is helping Wizard Movers move stuff, making various trips in and out of the Room of Requirement. Harry hadn't been in the Room of Requirement since before the battle. He never really went in there unless he was by himself because one time he found like thirty dildos in there. Literally like thirty of them. Never go in the Room of Requirement with other people, especially if you're horny, and especially especially if that horniness involves the Booty Blaster 9000.

So Harry sneaks in the Room of Requirement by himself (the Wizard Movers are busy figuring out the goddamn moving stair system) and is relieved on having not found literally thirty dildos in there. However, he does stumble upon the Mirror of Erised.

"I wonder what the Mirror will show me now that I sort of met my parents while I was like half-dead or whatever," Harry thought aloud (because people talk to themselves in fanfics for some reason). It was true though—Harry had hung out with like his dead mom, dead dad, dead Sirius, and dead Lupin for a bit, so he was kind of over missing them and stuff. Maybe the Mirror of Erised had something new for him to see.

Harry closed his eyes and stood in front of the Mirror, taking a deep breath and preparing himself for the big reveal. What was he going to see? He was kind of hoping to see Hedwig tbh. He missed grooming Hedwig late at night with his teeth.

Harry opened his eyes. "Bloody hell!"

There he was, reflected in the mirror, bent over and bare naked. He had the invisibility cloak in his mouth to keep from screaming, and Draco Malfoy was taking him from behind, thrusting snobbishly into Harry's butt. You may wonder how someone can 'thrust snobbishly', but Draco was certainly doing just that.

Harry was dumbfounded. "But that… that's…"

All of a sudden, someone burst through the doors of the Room of Requirement.

"Potter!"

Harry turned in shock to see him, Draco "The Snobbish Thruster" Malfoy, poising snobbishly in the doorway, one corner of his mouth curled into a smirk.

"Wha… What do you want, Draco?" Harry stammered, trying not to blush.

"Oh nothing," Draco said, smiling. "It's just that I heard something suuuuuuper gay going on in here."

Harry shook his head vehemently. "There's nothing gay going on in here!"

"Wow, why you gotta be so defensive?" Draco asked, walking towards Harry. "Ain't nothin' wrong with doing things that are totally gay."

Harry looked down at his shoes. "I guess you're right…"

It was then that Draco noticed the Mirror of Erised. "Oh hey, I just noticed the Mirror of Erised," Draco said.

"Yeah. I still see my dumb dead parents in it," Harry lied. Then, curiously, he asked, "Hey, you should tell me what you see, Draco."

Draco cracked his knuckles. "Sure thing, Gay Potter."

Draco positioned himself in front of the mirror. He figured he would see something like his dad approving of him or a really cool rocketship. Instead, Draco opened his eyes to see Harry staring blankly back at him, completely naked except for he had the Sorting Hat over his penis.

"Are you sure you don't belong in Slytherin?" the Sorting Hat asked naked Harry. "I mean, I get that you want to be in Gryffindor, but you've got the shlong of a true serpent master, my friend."

Naked Harry shook his head. "No," he said meekly, "I want to be in Gryffindor with my friends Ron and Hermionoenoenee."

"Hrmmmmm…." the Sorting Hat pondered, still hanging limply from Harry's penis. "Maybe I can get a pure Slytherin in here to change your mind."

And then Draco watched as he, Draco, walked up to naked Harry and began kissing him snobbishly.

"See, Harry? Slytherin will help you on your way to greatness," the Sorting Hat laughed.

"And I will help you on your way to being super gay with me and stuff," Draco said. Then they started putting their dicks in each other's butts.

Draco pulled away from the vision he saw in the Mirror, stumbling backwards in shock. Him and Harry? Doing it in the butt? Is that what he really desires?

"Well?" Harry asked nervously, wrining his hands together. "What did you see?"

"I saw…" Draco trailed off, his face turning red.

"Did you see us… you know… doing it in the butt?"

"WHOA WHOA WHOA. NO I DID NOT SEE US WITH THE DOING IT IN THE BUTT, HARRY."

"You totally saw us doing it in the butt, didn't you?"

"Yeah."

"It's chill, Draco. I saw that as well."

It was pretty quiet for like a good twenty seconds after that. Draco and Harry kept exchanging flirty, uncomfortable glances.

"So…." Draco started, putting his hand behind his head. "I mean, we could explore these deep desires. You know, if you wanted."

Harry blushed. "Yeah, sounds like a good idea."

So they were about to kiss when all of a sudden a blue phonebox materialized out of thin air.

"What the patoot?" Draco asked, confused.

A man stepped out of the blue phonebox. He was wearing 3D glasses and pretty sweet converse.

"I'm the Doctor," the man introduced, "and I'm here because I sensed something super gay was about to happen."

Harry nodded. "Yeah, Draco and I were just about to put our dicks in each other's butts."

The Doctor was taken aback. "What? Are you serious?"

"Yeah, man," Draco said. "It's, like, the late 90's, okay? Get with the program."

The Doctor waved his hands in front of his face. "No, no, it's not that. It's just that… Why be gay here when you can be HOMOSEXUALS ON THE MOON?"

So the Doctor took Harry and Draco into the TARDIS and transported them to the moon. Being gay on the moon was super awesome. Everybody did a high-five freeze frame in zero gravity conditions. Harry never saw Ginny ever again but she was fine with it because Dean Thomas is considerably hotter anyways. Penises in space are cool.