The Last Temptation of Hank, Part 2: "All the King's Men."
After suffering public humiliation from falsely coming out of the closet, Hank Hill sticks to John Redcorn's advice and tolerates Arlen's hysteria. The United Methodist Church ™'s deceiving and mischievous ways have infuriated the man, but he has no other choice than to stick with the doctrine of rejecting Calvinism. "We've tried other churches, I tell ya what, Peggy. All of them disappointed us. I just can't stand switching to another church. Sure, they're Christian, but they just don't feel right. "Hank and Peggy have been discussing how to undo the damage from fraud while entrusting the church to maintain their faith and knowledge in the religion. Suddenly, Kahn knocks on the window yelling something incoherent. Hank opens the window expecting the usual insults, but he notices Bill, Boomhauer, Dale, and a crowd of men behind him. "Hey! Taco Bell selling barbecue beef tacos! They marinated with Alamo Beer sauce! Let's go!." Hank expresses a bewildered look on his face. "Wait, Alamo Beer sauce? This isn't a gay bashing trick is it?" "I'm sure you love meat, you faggot," responds Kahn. Bill iterates that Kahn speaks the truth and pulls out a flyer for the new product. "It's true, Hank. A man's dream come true with a hard taco and a large drink all for $4.99 plus tax." "Well heck, I'll grab some of that!" Hank excitedly joins the group to storm fast food eatery, but Dale pulls him over to the side. "
Listen, I've got a secret to tell you. You're not going to believe me, but here it goes. Bobby is not your real son. " Hank responds with a sharp tone in his voice. "That's just asinine, Dale. I've told you a million times already. I saw him being born, I remember Peggy's pregnancy, and I witnessed the pregnancy test go positive. Bobby's my real son." Anticipating this response, Dale whips out the test results from his lab. "Bobby's DNA does not match yours. Look, I'm ashamed of the results, too. The computer said Joseph's not my biological son. He…he's similar to John Redcorn. What if I'm not his real dad, Hank?" Hank did not expect his longtime friend to know about the truth so fast, not even from an advanced police grade DNA scanning computer from his basement. "Uh, don't you think there's an error? I mean the machine could have read the swabs wrong. It didn't recognize either of our sons, did it?" Dale ponders for a few seconds and says he will return to the lab with better samples. With the dramatic tension over, the gang of men head over to claim their feast.
At Taco Bell, the men witnessed their fantasy sandwich become a reality. There, a giant image of a warm, soft tortilla stuffed to the edges with piping-hot grilled carne asada steak piled high and drenched in the sweet, savory blend of authentic Texas barbecue sauce made with the state's prideful beer. Below the taco shined a beacon of hope as the picture brandished the remarkable Alamo Beer logo. Hank's mouth watered as he gazed upon the perfect meal. "One Alamo Beer infused barbecue beef taco meal, please," ordered each man as he stood up to the counter struck in awe. However, something did not feel right to Hank. The man at the register was not the typical acne-infested white teenager or the thirty-something African-American that had been high on weed for at least six hours. The man appeared to be Asian and wore a small, discreet pin of the People's Republic of China state seal. This abnormality felt suspicious to Hank, but he shrugged it off as sign of a rebellious teenager with poor taste. Kahn abruptly taps Hank's shoulder and whispers, "Hey, Hank, don't you want to see how they make the beef?" Hank's curiosity got the best of him since he wondered how they could sell a taco so perfect for such a low price. Hank and Kahn sneak behind a door tucked beside the counter that read "EMPLOYEES ONLY" only to realize they have stumbled onto a nightmare. The kitchen is much larger than they expected and at least fifty Chinese men scrawling around hauling carts of fresh meat. A clear vat filled with a thick red sauce towered over the two men that just displayed Chinese characters and the word BBQ. The aroma of beef sizzling on the grill and boiling sauce pouring on tacos ready to be served overwhelmed Hank. "Kahn, what do these signs say?" "Gah, you hillbilly, they're in Chinese! I can't read that!" "Ch-chinese?" Hank's eyes scanned across the kitchen to discover the shocking truth. PRC flags hung around the room, portraits of Mao Zedong scattered the walls, and all staff wore the same pin as the cashier. "Oh my God. The Chinese own Taco Bell! Bwah!"
Police surround the Taco Bell as the Channel 84 news team arrives at the scene. Nancy appears on camera. "This is Nancy Hicks Gribble reporting live from the Chinese Taco Bell scandal. A gang of Chinese government operatives was caught masquerading their spy program on Americans as a typical Taco Bell restaurant that served what appeared to be the biggest fantasy sandwich known to man. Two local brave men, Hank Hill and Kahn Souphanousinphone, unraveled this story by sneaking behind the counter while waiting on their Alamo Beer BBQ tacos. Texas governor Rick Perry is expected to comment on this shocking revelation soon." Meanwhile at Strickland Propane, Hank returns home and the staff from Strickland Propane welcomes him with a surprise party for defending Texas and America. "Welcome home, hero! As a sign of my gratitude of your great feat, I'm hiring you back!" Hank's face looks confused at this point. "You fired me because you thought I was gay and now you want to hire me back because I saved our country? That doesn't make any Goddang sense." "Now hold on, Old Top. I fired you because of your inflammatory hate speech. We don't take that kindly in the business. Now you done showed you love all of the great people of 'merica, especially Texas. I'm hiring you back, Hank." Hank accepts his old boss's offer and vows to return to work the next day on the condition that Buck helps to undo the rumor of Hank's homosexuality. Bobby walks in the room excitedly as he shouts how proud he is of his dad returning to sound employment. "Aw, sweet, Dad. You got your job back! My dad's a hero!" "Now, Son, promise me you'll drop this pony nonsense and do something manly like football. You're part of a heroic family now." Bobby nods his head and heads over to grab a slice of a cake with a picture of Hank beating a caricature of Premier Xi Jinping. Hank wonders if Kahn is being treated as a hero for assisting him in bringing down a Chinese spy joint. Everyone suddenly runs outside as a black stretch limo parks outside. Hank recognizes the car as Mayor of Arlen Johnny Irving's official city vehicle. Mayor Irving steps out of the car and shakes Hank's hand. "There he is, the main man who saved this wonderful nation. Get them Chinese out of this town, I've always said and now I stand corrected. I came here to cordially invite you and your family to a banquet at city hall. It's gonna be great, I tell you. Best of all, Governor Perry's on his way there himself to congratulate you." Hank is awed by the presence of the leader of Texas and the fact that he wants to see him. "Wow, the governor, the mayor…I don't know what to say."
At City Hall, the Hill family sits upfront next to Mayor Irving, Buck Strickland, and an empty seat reserved for Governor Perry. Mr. Strickland opens the conversation. "Hot dawg, Hank. This will bring all of Texas to our store. We might run out of the propane business and move onto selling merchandise of you." Mayor Irving agrees. "Yeah, Hank. Arlen's going to be a tourist destination on this state's hero trail. You might need to adopt a nickname. How's 'King of the Hill' sound?" Hank feels on top of the world, but something is missing. "I'm honored, but I can't help but notice that Kahn is missing. Is he at this banquet?" Irving responds with an answer that breaks Hank's trust. "That gook who was hanging with you? Wasn't he part of the Chinese spy ring? I sent him over to the police station to be interrogated." The mayor's comments offends Hank. "You liar! Kahn's the one who thought of sneaking into the back. He should get the same treatment I'm getting!" Strickland defends the mayor with his input. "Listen here, my boy. You just can't trust any of those ching-chongs around here after we discovered the Chinese spy on us. We need to save Texas." Hank rises from his chair and points at his former colleagues. "I've had enough of this nonsense! Kahn's a Texan as the rest of us. He loves this state and the United States of America as much as we do. Sure, he waves a Laotian flag and was born in a communist country, but he left that place to stay here. Release that man or I'm calling off the celebration."
Just as Hank ended his patriotic speech, Rick Perry walked in the dining hall. Standing at a great height, Perry walked down the aisle with his wife tangled in his arms and a wide, bright smile glowing on his face. His hair pushed back from the air conditioner and the sweat on his brow retracted from escaping the heat of a Texas summer. "Are you Hank Hill," asks the governor to the standing man. "Yes I am. It's an honor to meet you, Mr. Governor." "Please, call me Rick. I've heard all about your heroic deed today. Sit down, my man, and engorge on this bountiful meal as your reward for defending this great nation. I've requested the finest Texas-grown beef, the best crops, and the freshest batch of Alamo Beer for you, my fella. Say, where's your Asian friend?" Mayor Irving informs him of what he did to Kahn, which the governor detests. "You what? To a fellow Texan? Outrageous! I dare ask if you're even a real American! Bring Mr. Kahn Sousa-whatever here this instant!" Irving cowers into Perry's demand and asks for the police to drop Kahn's charges and escort him to the dinner. "I'm sorry, Mr. Governor. I only followed police orders. You know how bad law enforcement's gotten since Obama took office. You know a true Texan would never do such a horrible thing." Perry smirks a little to relieve the man. "You know, Mayor Irving, you just reminded me of something. I want everyone to show their papers. All of y'all!" Although everyone in attendance is bewildered at the Governor's request, each individual displays an ID card, a Social Security card, or some form of government issued identification, including the Governor and his wife. Perry intends to demonstrate that every Texas citizen represents diversity in race, religion, and ethnicity, but surely not economic background since he is attending an official dinner. Mayor Irving starts sweating and shaking profoundly. "Where's your ID, Mayor," asks Perry. The mayor screams and raises his hands in the air. "Alright, I confess! I'm not really Johnny Irving. My real name is Juan Iglesias Bautista. I'm not originally from Texas. I'm actually a conman from San Pedro Sula, Honduras! I came here illegally in 1989 and since then I've lived as the man whose identity I've stolen!" After a moment of silence from the disturbed audience, Irving also confesses to murdering the real man whose identity he had stolen just days after moving to Arlen. A pair of Texas Rangers arrests the mayor after he confesses to his crimes.
"This is Channel 84's Nancy Hicks Gribble reporting at Arlen City Hall. In one day, we witnessed two of the biggest scandals in the city's history in one day. Governor Rick Perry pressured Arlen's mayor, now revealed as Honduran criminal Juan Iglesias, into confessing that he murdered the real Johnny Irving more than twenty years ago. At the request of the governor, the city council has announced a special mayoral election next month. Dale shuts off the television after hearing enough. "It's been a conspiracy. I know it. You can't have two scandals in one day." Dale moves back to his DNA lab to retest the samples. He lifts Hank's first and tests if it is really his hair. "Wait a minute, this isn't Hank's a hair. It's too greasy. It looks like Bill's." The Bill Dauterive sample is notably missing from the shelf. "Bill! He's just trying to get close to Peggy as usual. I'll just throw this case out of the window," which Dale does literally. Dale tests his sample and confirms it is his hair as well as a perfect match between Joseph and John Redcorn. "Impossible. Something's wrong. John Redcorn wouldn't sabotage my DNA samples. He would never be interested in taking Nancy from me." He tests Nancy's sample with Josephs and also finds a complete match. The incredible result convinces Dale to ask his wife about the results, and Nancy tells him the truth about Joseph's conception. Unexpectedly, Dale forgives his wife and remembers the joy he has had in raising Joseph as his son. However, he can no longer trust John Redcorn, so Dale calls him the following night. "I finally learned enough about you and your massages. Joseph is my son!" As soon as Dale hangs up the phone, a drunk Bill collapses from a closet and rolls on the floor. He murmurs, "What the…Dale, I wasn't here," and falls asleep.
Outside City Hall, Hank and his family walk to their truck to drive back home. Hank no longer trusts his city after it elected a Honduran illegal migrant conman and blindly idolized a racist corrupt businessman. "I know I don't like the man, but I do love selling propane and propane accessories. I just can't fathom leaving my other family at the store. Too many good memories to tarnish. " Rick Perry interrupts Hank's monologue to invite him to a private meeting. "Hey, Hank, your boss Mr. Strickland informed me of your little problem. I don't believe the Methodist Church would do something like that to you. I tell ya what, I'll help you out by endorsing you as Arlen's straightest man on a count of you being a hero. I'll start by having some beers with you tomorrow night. Don't worry about your friend Kahn and the rest of your buddies because they'll be treated like heroes, too. Bring 'em over." Hank thanks Governor Perry for his help tonight and for having faith in his character. "Heh, how do you like that. I'm friends with the Governor. I guess I'll take that mantra. I'm the King of the Hill." It seems that things are going swell for Hank, but his arrival home quickly turns into a nightmare. Hank inserts his house key in the lock, but a rocking explosion combusts in front of him and his family. BOOM! The Hill residence explodes to rubble. TO BE CONTINUED