Silent Hill: The Nameless Parody 4

Degrading the Silent Hill series since 2008

Chapter 1: Vacation (All I Ever Wanted!)

Cheryl Townshend put her tiny jacket on and skipped out into the living room of Room 302. It had been five years after the events of the last story; age had treated everyone very well — almost as if they hadn't aged at all . . .

'Uncle James!' Cheryl called. James came out of the bathroom in boxer shorts, holding a hairbrush covered in toothpaste. 'I love you and I'll miss you!'

'Bye-bye Cheryl!' James replied as he continued brushing his teeth. 'HOW DO THEY EXPECT THESE TO FIT IN YOUR MOUTH!'

Henry came out of his bedroom. Eileen was following. 'And then Susan was like—' she said as the door shut in her face. Henry walked into the living room. 'Ready to go?'

'Yes! I am!' she answered and she skipped out of the door. Henry smiled and grabbed the car keys. 'Then let's go! Before Maria wakes—'

'Cheryl!?' came Maria's voice from the hallway.

'Go, go, go!' Henry whispered. They rushed out the door and down the stairs.

They stopped by Room 207 to say goodbye to Cheryl's favourite uncles: Uncle Richard and Uncle Amarant. They walked through the broken doorway and stepped in. Immediately Richard teleported in front of them. 'Henry, CHERYL!' he cooed as he bent down and pretended to grab her nose. 'Have a good time at Silent Hill!' He stood straight again and looked at Henry. 'We'll watch James while you're away. I still don't see why you won't take him with you.'

'James is a safety hazard. Vacation is not supposed to be a struggle for life and death. James makes it that way,'Henry said.

Amarant, crouching, came into the room. 'Have a good trip, and be good, girl.' Cheryl nodded happily.

'So guys,' Henry said as he walked out of the apartment, 'when are you going to replace this door?'

'We're not,' Amarant said flatly. 'It got annoying after a while.'

— The First Flashback! —

Amarant walked toward the door with bags of groceries slung on his arm. He opened the door and hit his head on the wall above it.

— End Flashback —

— Second Flashback! —

Amarant answered the door, turning the knob and ripping the door off its hinges by pulling slightly. Richard appeared, shaking his head.

— End Flashback —

— Third Flashback! —

Amarant opened the door to leave, and hit his head again. He Tranced in rage, and used No Mercy on the door, ripping it off the hinges and blowing the wall around it apart.

'That . . .' he said, ' . . . makes more room.'

— End Flashback —

Mr. Coral waved to Cheryl. 'See you when you get back.'

Cheryl ran across the room and hugged her uncle, then ran back to Henry.

'Don't do anything stupid, Townshend!' Richard called.

Henry got in the car with Cheryl, and drove off for Silent Hill.

— — — Somewhere — — —

'Who are you?'

'You know who I am.'

'Now if I knew you, would I have asked that question?'

'I don't know. Would you have?'

'This is why I asked you.'

'I think you would have.'

'I'm confused.'

'That's good.'

'Eh, anyhow, how is the plan going? Is everything . . . in order?'

'Everything is going according to schedule.'

'Excellent.'

'So . . . want to get high?'

'Uh . . . why not?'

'I don't know, you tell me.'

'Oh, shut up.'

— — — The Townshendmobile — — —

'I locked you out, left you naked in the front yard — burned all of your clothes, having nothing can be really hard — now I'm on the run; I'd do it all again — (so catch me if you can, cuz) — I took your car, with your baby in the back seat — racked your credit card, you in debt to a deadbeat — baby now you know how much it hurt, when I caught you in the act wearin' nothin' but a little smirk!' Henry sang as he thrashed his head in his car, radio blaring 'Little Smirk' by Theory of a Deadman. Cheryl was asleep, though how she slept with the volume at sixty, no one knows. Except Cheryl. Or maybe Richard.

A cop was suddenly beside them on motorcycle. She looked inside the car, right at Henry, then rode ahead. Henry looked at Cheryl and smiled. 'Dodged that bullet, huh?' Cheryl looked at him and smiled back.

Henry then hit the guard rail of the road, showering the darkness with sparks from the side of his car. He steered back onto the road, and gasped. 'Don't ever distract daddy while he's driving again!' he scolded as he resumed driving.

Just then he passed the cop's bike, wrecked on the side of the road; the cop was no where to be seen. Henry scratched his head. 'What happened to her?' he thought aloud.

Then a girl in a dress stepped out in front of the car, and shielded herself with her arms. Henry swerved wildly, cursing, and his car flew off the road, because there was no guard rail here. Yeah, I know, weird. I had nothing to do with it.

Nor me.

— — — I, for one, cannot agree there. I do so much, I forget what — — —

— — — I haven't done — — —

Anyway, Henry was flying off the road with Cheryl in the car.

Author: How can you say 'anyway'? You have no feelings?

About as much as you.

He is right.

Author: You are still new, Announcer Guy 2. You have no say.

— — — Yeah, but I got stripes. I can say anything I want. — — —

Author: Yeah, that's true.

— — — Some time later . . . bitch — — —

Henry woke up in his car with Cheryl gone. He walked out of his car, went places, killed a demon, and then the game was over.

It's Over!

Not really.

Henry woke up in his car with Cheryl gone. He held his head and helped hairy hippos hump Herbert Hoover. No, but seriously, his head hurt bad. And it didn't help that he just crashed his car violently through a wire fence. Seriously, how is he not dying!?

'Subway, eat fresh,' Henry muttered as he fell out of his car and onto the sidewalk. Standing, he stretched and held his head. You know, isn't it funny how he had bad headaches in the second parody?

Author: I actually don't recall giving Henry headaches in the second one . . . like, at all.

Well you did. Anyway, Henry got up and walked around. It was very foggy and it was snowing. Odd, seeing as how it was December. Henry looked around and noticed that no one was around.

'I swear to God, if this town is all fucked up like it was with James . . .' Henry muttered. He patted his back pocket for his gun, until he remembered that he was on vacation with his adopted child, whose name is Cheryl. Now Henry began to panic.

'Cheryl!' he yelled. 'Cheryl!' He checked the car and she was not there. He checked the trunk and she was not there. He looked under the car.

'Cheryl!' he cried in happiness as he pulled her out from under the car. She giggled.

'Daddy!' she said as she hugged Henry close. 'Can we get ice cream?'

Henry laughed. 'Sure!'

Then the screen turned black except for a circle where Henry's head was, where he proceeded to wink at the camera. Then the credits rolled.

Author: Seriously, Narrator, stop doing that! It's getting annoying.

Then the Narrator shot Author in the balls and proceeded to rule the Parody.

Then the Author decided to take control of the Parody before the Narrator could screw it up more than it already was.

Back to the actual story.

Henry didn't find Cheryl under the car. But he did see a silhouette (SPELL CHECK ROCKS!) of a young girl distantly in the fog. He stepped forward.

'Cheryl? Is that you!?' he called. The figure started walking away. 'Where are you going!? I'm going to paddle you, young lady! GET BACK HERE! THERE MIGHT BE DEMON NURSES AROUND AND I DON'T WANT YOU EXPOSED TO NUDITY UNTIL YOU ARE AT LEAST NINE!' So the chase began!

Cheryl turned down an alley, where Henry followed. The deeper she went, the darker it got, until it was pitch black out. Henry reached in his pocket and pulled out a match.

'I was hoping to use this during the vacation on a questionable green substance, but nooooooo . . .' he lamented as he struck the match. He could now see where he was going.

Then the wind picked up and the match went out.

'Fuck!' Henry screamed as he kicked the wall. He then got an idea — he held the match aloft and cried 'Lumos!' Brilliant light leapt from the end of the match, and Henry could see. Again.

Now he proceeded to go down the alley until he came to a gurney. It was stained red with blood. 'Now this is just sloppy,' he said. 'What hospital disposes of bodies by parking the gurney in an alley?'

Author: Well, Alchemilla does. And St. Jeromes. And I think Brookhaven does too.

That's a mental hospital.

Author: Don't ask.

Shudder.

Henry came to a wheelchair that had one wheel spinning, and was turned over. He thought for a moment until he decided he didn't care about it at all. At the end of the alley was a wire fence, where a corpse was hanging.

'Someone put their Christmas decorations up early. It's only December. Oh wait, nevermind.'

He proceeded further, until he stopped proceeding. At that point he had reached a fence with a corpse hanging on it. On it was a note that said 'Walter Sullivan was most definitely not here, at any point, any time, and if there is a body that happens to be here, Walter Sullivan was definitely not the murderer. — Walter Sullivan.'

Henry looked at the body and stared for several moments. After several seconds, he ran back toward the trash can in the corner.

— — — Five minutes later — — —

Henry wiped the puke away. 'Ugh, that was disgusting.' He looked at the body again.

— — — Ten minutes later — — —

Mr. Townshend stumbled away from the trash can, puke running down his chest. 'Oh God, please . . . make . . . errk!' He spilled more onto the street and finally took a deep breath. He turned to the body once more.

— — — An hour later — — —

Two grey demon children strutted up to Henry's body laying on the ground, sleeping, in a pool of his own vomit. One poked him with the knife.

'Uhh . . .' the first said.

The second just shrugged.

Walter Sullivan came up behind them and looked at Townshend. 'Ahh! Good work! I see you've beat him til he puked!'

The demons looked at each other. 'Yep,' one said.

Walter turned to the body on the fence. 'I guess now we should—' The man started vomiting violently on the pavement, falling to his knees and heaving.

The demon children looked around nervously. 'We're gonna take off, boss.'

Walter continued to throw up with extreme violence.

'We'll expect our checks tomorrow,' they said as they walked into the shadows.

-To Be Continued ...

Will Henry find Cheryl? Is Walter alright? Will the demon children receive their checks? Tune in next time to find out!!!

— — —

Now the part you've been waiting for.

Richard: The End?

EternalFlare: . . . No . . .

Amarant: This is awkward. We haven't done this for a while.

Eternal: You can say that again.

Amarant: This is awkward. We haven't done this for a while.

Eternal: Anyway, this is the point where we answer questions the viewer has asked Richard.

Amarant: Okay, fire away.

Richard: Dick, I'm the one who says that!

Amarant: Oh, sorry.

Richard: Okay, fire away.

Eternal . . . okay, well, you know, there are actually no questions for him. Since this is the first chapter.

Richard: Oh. That . . . sucks. Balls. Majorly. Major hairy balls.

Amarant: Balls knockin', Balls knockin' . . .

Eternal: NO.

Amarant: . . . damn.

Eternal: So, yeah, if any of you have questions for Richard, send 'em down. Or, over. Or, something. I dunno.

Amarant: And now that the hiatus is finally over, he will be working his ass off to bring you more completely original, clean, family-oriented humour that you've come to expect from the Nameless Parodies.

Richard: So until next time . . .

Amarant: Don't die. Because then you will miss the next chapter. And you wouldn't want that.

Eternal: Okay, that's enough.

Amarant: And another thing—

Eternal: Til next time!