Of all the colors in the world, it shouldn't have surprised Sam that Carly had picked pink for her bridesmaid's dresses. Sam decided she would torture her best friend sometime in the near future for the color choice. But, in a way, Sam had lucked out. As maid-of-honor, her dress was a light pale pink compared to the brighter pink bestowed upon the rest of the bridal party. Yet all of it really didn't matter anyway. Today was not about Sam. It was the day Carly Shay had been waiting for her entire life ….and Sam would do everything in her power to make sure that the girl who had stuck by her for the last 15 years had the most magical day ever.
Sam stood outside St. Matthew's Church, pacing along the beautifully mowed grass alongside it. Carly was currently have a very touching father-daughter moment in her bride's room and Sam somehow couldn't bear to watch. The ceremony was only a few hours away; but somehow, it felt like time was standing perfectly still. She let the breeze blow her curled golden locks over her bare shoulders, imagining a steaming Carly running outside dressed in a white full gown yelling at her for grass stains and wind-swept hair.
" You look beautiful."
His voice sent a sharp pain to her heart almost immediately. She slowly turned around to face him, standing on the church steps, dapper in a charcoal gray tuxedo, brown hair swept to his right side. My God, she thought, when had he become such …. a man?
A warm smile graced her face as he approached her, "You clean up pretty nice too, Benson."
Freddie nodded in appreciation, his eyes glued to her radiance. He gestured toward the bench near them, exhaling as he sat down. Even on a day of beauty and bliss, he could still feel that tension between them. She'd been his friend for nearly 15 years and though time had changed the dynamics of their relationship, he was certain that Carly and Sam would always be the constants in his life.
Sam, never one to deal with silence for too long, sat breathlessly beside him, "Can you believe she's really getting married? She must be insane."
He glanced over at her, to his left side, eyes glistening with amusement, "Why insane?"
Sam scoffed as she peeked over at him, "Marriage? These days? Please. I have mayonnaise in my fridge that's lasted longer than some of my relationships."
Freddie laughed, half-heartedly, not at all particularly ready to hear about any relationships she may have had. Sam hadn't been his girlfriend for too long back in high school, but there was always this special place in his heart for the blonde. He was always overprotective when she dated guys in college and once they had graduated, he decided it was for the best to just stop asking all together about her love life.
Because why would he want to hear about the men in her life, when he always found himself wondering if she was the woman for his?
His silence always frightened her; and yet, she always found herself being more open with him than anything. She sighed heavily, wiping the hair from her face, "I don't know. I just don't think anything sticks anymore."
And just like they were fifteen again, he found himself wanting to prove her wrong, "Maybe you just haven't found the right guy."
What startled Sam the most was that her first reaction to his words were, I did. But never one to dwell on her emotions for too long, Sam practically jumped to her feet, standing with her back to him now, her face covered in the warm summer breeze. She folded her arms over her chest, unable to weigh his answer with any merit, "How about you? Wasn't Carly Shay supposed to be the "right" girl for you?"
Freddie folded his hands in his lap, tilting his head in wonder, "I thought so. For a long time."
Sam remembered how crazy Freddie used to be over Carly. He followed her around like a puppy dog, obeying her every command, dreaming of a day just like this where he stood at the end of that aisle. She remembered how happy he was when Carly finally gave him a chance and the devastation when it continually failed. She was pretty sure that he tried to win over her again when she returned from Italy in mid-college, but as always….Carly and Freddie only seemed to work as friends. Much to Freddie's dismay, Sam assumed.
She turned back to face him slowly, his eyes lost somehow in good ol' memories and the honesty of the moment. Her eyes fell over him, sadness aching in her heart, "I guess you never really let go of your first love. "
His brown eyes snapped back to hers immediately, "Yeah, maybe ….. " And then slowly, he stood to his feet, his hands finding the deep pockets on his tuxedo pants, his eyes never leaving hers, "But she wasn't my first love. I figured after all this time … you'd at least know that. "
She wanted it to be true, but couldn't force herself to believe it. Maybe it's because, in a way, he would always be Carly's, or in a way she told herself that she didn't deserve someone as good as him. An intense nervousness crept into her body, her gaze focusing on anything but him, "I'm pretty dense when it comes to the "L" word. "
But Freddie wouldn't let her back away, "You weren't always."
She shook her head at him, "I was just a kid. What did I know? I was too busy finding all sorts of creative ways to get into trouble…"
He quickly interrupted her, smiling, "…and eating lots and lots of ham."
And just like that, it felt normal between them again. She laughed graciously, reminiscing on the oddness of her childhood, "Ha. And I've paid for it ever since. At 16, you don't realize that eventually …. ham goes straight to your thighs."
His eyes traced her from the tip of her golden locks, down the slope of her sun-kissed neck, around the curve of her hip, and to the perfectly polished toe. He smiled in appreciation, "You look just fine to me. "
She rolled her eyes, never letting him show that his words could get to her, "Eh. You have to say things like that."
Freddie only laughed back at her, "Oh no, I don't. You, my dear, tortured me for my entire childhood. You know, I even try to tell people some of the stories and they think I'm lying because of how crazy it sounds. Ha. So, trust me, I don't have to say anything nice if I didn't want to…..or if I didn't mean it."
Sam bit the bottom of her lip, somehow lost in all the memories of her beating Freddie to the ground, embarrassing him in front of crowds of people, verbally bashing the poor boy until she got the laughter she needed. How, after all this time, could he still tolerate her? She lowered her gaze to the ground, "Why didn't you just ever stop being my friend? I was pretty horrible to you."
A deep sincerity filled his eyes, "I'll admit in the beginning, it was rough, yes. But high school is supposed to be rough and….you always made it interesting. Truth is, I wouldn't have enjoyed college life at all if I didn't have you dragging me to crazy parties and pouring disgusting amounts of liquor down my throat." He paused to chuckle, "You…push me, Sam. Everybody needs someone like that in their life."
She half-heartedly grinned as he continued.
"And honestly…I can't really imagine what my life would have been like without you."
Sam could feel the tears beginning to brew as she looked over at him. He'd been the only real man in her life besides Spencer. She'd dated and enjoyed life, but nobody had ever touched her the way Freddie had. But that couldn't matter anymore. It was so long ago, and time was never on their side.
She cleared her throat, turning from him again. She couldn't talk about this stuff, maybe it was all this wedding mojo that was messing with her head. But she just needed to not talk like this with him. She averted as she did best, "So…do you like this guy? Howard?"
A sad smirk slid over his lips as he watched her deflect any real outpouring of emotion. But he never pushed her. He knew eventually Sam would come in her own time. He could play whatever game she wanted, "He seems pretty decent to me. And more importantly than that, they love each other. I only ever wanted her to be happy and she finally is." He watched as Sam rolled her eyes at him, squinting as she peeked up, "So…you don't like him? "
Sam shrugged her bare shoulders, pouting her mouth, "Eh, I don't like anyone. He's good enough, I guess. And…she does love him like crazy. Guess I was…just kind of jealous." She hated that he brought out such a vulnerable side of her, "Maybe I've always been a little bit jealous of her."
A hearty chuckle erupted from deep within his chest.
Her mouth slightly dropped, "Excuse me. What is so funny?"
The laughter died down quickly as he took a dangerous step closer to her, "I think she's always been a little bit jealous of you." Sam seemed shocked by the concept, and Freddie never did understand how after all this time, Sam didn't see the kind of woman she was, "You have this incredible passion and fearlessness. Nothing scares you; nobody can touch you. Not in high school, not now. People like Carly, people like me…we live in this safe little bubble and you….set the world on fire."
The tears stung in the corner of Sam's eyes.
Freddie pushed on, unable to stop himself, "Carly and I…we spend our lives trying to be dependable and honest and….enough. We are more than happy to fly under the radar. We can settle for being….content. It's why she and I never worked, I think." His eyes lifted to meet hers, "But you? You live on your own terms, in your own world. You walk into a room…."
He placed his hand over his chest, fingers digging into the white pleated shirt, "…..and my God, Sam, it still takes my breath away. "
But somehow, she was the one with no breath.
Ruined by him in every way, she allowed herself one tear to fall to her rosy cheek, breaking the perfectly placed makeup on her face, "You're wrong, you know?" Her heart beat rapidly against her chest, "Things scare me."
He sighed, defeated, "Like what?"
She lifted in chin, in defiance and surrender, the tear finally falling to her lips, "Like you."
As the honest words escaped her glossed lips, more open than he'd ever seen her, Freddie wondered if there was ever a moment, since that very first kiss, that he hadn't been in love with this girl. Because he was sure, right in this moment, that he had never loved her more.
But that look in his eye and all these emotions that she kept so perfectly hidden and the reality that things could never be hit Sam like cold water to the face. She grabbed the skirt of her dress, gently wiping away whatever was left of her lone tear, "I should go see if Carly needs me. What kind of maid-of-honor would I be if I just left her by herself?"
She took a few steps back quickly, her eyes unable to meet his, in fear that she might never leave.
Freddie extended his hand to her, heartbroken.
"Why….why does it feel like you're always running away from me, from this?"
She stopped in her movements, shrugging her shoulders, "I don't know." And then she looked at him, one final time, eyes glistening with tears again, disregarding the logic and letting her heart lead the way.
"Maybe I've… I've just been waiting for you to give me a reason to stay."
And almost like she'd never been there at all, as beautiful and quick as the descending sunset, she was gone.