I wish I was Shonda, I wish I was Shonda :( But I'm not :/
Let me know what you think!
Owen laid frozen on the bed, all the will in the world couldn't make him move, the emptiness seeping from his pores and the absence of the warm body that laid next to his less than an hour ago making it nearly impossible for him to accept that she was gone, her scent still lingering in the dimly lit on all room, making him wish he could of bottled it up so a part of her would always be with him.
They had danced around the subject for two weeks, kept delaying her departure, making excuses about her patients and the weather even though they both knew that she was stalling, for her benefit and his, stretching out their goodbye as long as she could until there was no room left to bend and she had to finally look him in the eyes and bid him farewell. Cristina was a strong woman, she portrayed herself as unemotional and unattached, an ice princess, if you will, and Owen thought without doubt that this would be so much harder on him than it could ever be on her.
Cristina put her career before everything and Owen put Cristina before anyone. They had different priorities; people mattered to Owen, she mattered to him, he would of walked hell or high water to be with her, but she couldn't let herself see the sacrifices he was willing to make to be with her, and she did it purposely in order not to be haunted by guilt.
He wanted to see her shine, he had dreamed about watching her soar, he wanted nothing more than making sure that her dreams came true, but now he had to watch from the sidelines when he always imagined that he'd witness it by her side.
He wanted to ask her to stay, he agonized over it for a week with a heavy heart but in the end he decided not to ask because he knew she wouldn't accept his offer, she had made up her mind, he could tell and she didn't want to carry his burden with her. He couldn't force her to choose him, he didn't want to guilt her into staying, and he certainly didn't want her to feel obligated on his behalf, as much as he wished for things; he didn't want her as a result of pity, he wanted her to want him. He wanted to be enough for her, to fulfill her and make her realize that nobody nor thing would ever compete with the amount of love he held for her. The only problem was that Cristina couldn't be told what to do or how to feel, she was a women who would sweep her feelings under the rug and pretend they didn't exist until they couldn't be hidden any longer, she held herself together even as she crumbled, her ability to brush past things and accept them was mind-boggling to him.
He didn't want to move on but she was moving across the world and gave him no hope for a future together, why didn't she ask him to wait for her? Why didn't she cut the tension and tell him she loved him? That she wouldn't move on without him? That nobody would ever take his place? Owen chastised himself, he knew Cristina was a women of very little words, and she hated to portray her vulnerability, maybe she was scared that if she opened up to him that she would change her mind, that it would have been a thousand times harder to walk away from him. He knew she would one day realize that they were meant for each other, he just hoped that it wouldn't be too late. He wanted to keep hope alive, find solace in what they once had and keep the faith that they would find each other once again, but laying in the bed where they had first made love some five odd years ago, Owen felt no contentment, his body was paralyzed in place but his soul was broken and his heart was no longer beating inside his chest, it was on a plane heading across the world and what scared him the most is not knowing if she would ever return.
Maybe she didn't love him to the extent that he loved her, the more Owen thought about her decision, her departure and her asking him not to offer her the position of Chief of Cardio, the more infuriated he became, his sadness being overshadowed by resentment.
Owen let out a heavy sigh, his cheeks stained and his eyes burning from the tears that wouldn't stop flowing, he was in a state of disbelief, shock and complete and utter loss, living in a trance reminiscent of his days battling with PTSD, he fought hard to keep his composure as he got up and left the on-call room, giving it one single last glance before he walked away; knowing full on well that he wouldn't ever be strong enough to return to this place again without her.
He moved like a robot, all feeling drained from every fiber of his being, the life being stripped right out of him, he didn't give anyone the time of day, pretended not to notice the looks of sympathy he received while he made his way through the hospital doors and into his truck. He cursed the day he ever met her, wished that he wouldn't of let himself fall for her, regretted ending a relationship with someone who could of gladly given him everything Cristina took from him. His emotions ran into a million different directions, his anger and rage fighting a battle with his love and devotion, making it impossible for his discombobulated mind to form coherent thoughts and making it impossible for him to grieve.
He parked his car near his trailer, but he could not make himself move, turning off the ignition, he sat and pondered the last few years. The mistakes they made, the ways in which they hurt each other, the memories that would carry him through, the love between the two of them that couldn't just die.
After what felt like an eternity, he finally made the move to get out. He walked the short distance and unlocked the door. He threw his keys on the counter, took off his coat and surveyed the room. He let out a bitter chuckle, "Why the hell am I living in a trailer?" He asked himself out loud. "I should be living in a house, with a lawn and a fence..." He scoffed while opening the fridge and grabbing a beer. He unscrewed the top, "…With Cristina, but instead I'm here, in Derek Shepherd's old trailer while she's on a plane half way across the world." His voice a mixture of amazement and bitterness of the whole situation.
When he swung the fridge closed, a shadow caught his eye.
"I didn't get on the plane."
He blinked once, than twice, was she merely a figment of his imagination? Was he hallucinating her presence? He wasn't drunk yet; he hadn't even started with his poison, yet here she was.
His breath caught in his throat, his mouth remained agape and he struggled to stand, fearing his legs would give in and he would crumble to her feet. His body was in shock, in all his fantasies, he never let his mind wander and take refuge in this one.
"CR- Cristina?" He finally asked, She stood right there in front of him, across the room, her eyes were bloodshot and her bottom lip was quivering.
"Offer me the job, I want you to offer me the job." She asked, her voice hoarse and cracking underneath his intense gaze.
He sighed heavily, she got off the plane, the voice in his head screamed. His utter shock and happiness overshadowed by what he knew was right, he wanted nothing more than for her to accept his offer but he couldn't be selfish, couldn't stop her from what she wanted, he didn't want to be her burden.
"You asked me not to Cristina, I can't ask you to stay." If he thought saying goodbye was hard before, this moment was likely to murder him.
"OWEN!" He voice was deep and nasally, her scream came out more like a wail.
"I got off the plane…." She reiterated, "I need you to ask me to say, tell me you want me to stay goddamn it." She made her way across the room and took stand right in front of him. He could see the tears flowing unashamedly, the pain and agony prevalent.
She looked like a tortured soul, after weeks of being strong and unemotional, the stress of keeping herself together had taken such a toll on her mind and body that she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She finally flipped.
He couldn't help himself, his eyes started to water at the sight of the tortured look on her face. "I can't ask you to stay Cristina, I can't be the one to stop you from achieving your hopes and dreams, I can't stand in your way, I want those things for her just as much as you want them for yourself."
He took a deep breath, "I just thought that you wouldn't leave me behind, that you wouldn't turn your back on me, I always imagined that I would be standing right next to you, holding your hand and cheering you on." Owen looked away, her gaze was too strong and powerful, and he didn't want her to take anymore of him with her.
Cristina starred at him, willing him to make eye contact once again; he didn't dare look at her until she decided to speak once again. "I don't want to live my dreams if your not beside me, I don't want a Harper Avery, I don't want to run my own hospital, I don't want to move across the world if your not there with me every step of the way."
"I got on that plane, and I sat down waiting for it to take off, and for the first time in my life, my career didn't suffice for anything, it didn't bring me joy nor happiness, not when it meant that I had to choose it before you, and I don't choose it, I choose you."
"Owen, I choose you, I'm sorry I waited until the last minute but you matter to me, you mean more than anything else in this world. So, I'm asking you to choose me too, ask me to stay and offer me the job…." Her whole body was quivering now, her cries echoed through the trailer. "…Please, I'm not asking, I'm begging you…."
"I can't ask you to give up what you have been working towards your whole life, I won't let your talent go to waste, you have wanted this since you were nine years old Cristina."
"-But-" She tried to interject but him wouldn't let her.
"No," He reiterated, "I can't ask you to stay, but you can ask me to come with you."
Cristina stared at him, "Why didn't you ask me to come with you?" He asked, now it was his voice that cracked, he looked defeated, like the life was drained right out of him, the emotions seeping through each word and slaying her soul. The question had been on his lips for weeks, and her refusal to ask had turned him into a broken man.
He looked away again, almost shyly, like he was embarrassed to be asking such a question and when he found the strength to look up again, he was met with her arms wrapping around his neck and her lips crushing against his in a desperate attempt to show him when words were failing her. Lips quivered underneath each other, teeth thrashing against one another and tongues waging war.
"Come with me." She asked between kisses, "You would come with me?" She asked in disbelief, "You would leave your chief position behind?"
"I would follow you to the ends of the earth, all you had to do was ask." He answered back. "Can you make room for one more surgeon at your hospital?" He asked.
She traced the lines around his mouth with her finger, how could she of ever thought that she could leave him behind?
"Anything you want." She declared, "I'll give you anything you want." She didn't give him time to reply, her lips met his once again.
"I need to go through the motions, I almost lost you Owen, I need to feel you inside of me, I need to connect with you again." She said as she pulled away in order to lift his T-shirt above his head. She undid his belt in between kisses and pushed his jeans and boxers down onto the floor, he kicked them to the side.
Cristina pushed him back until the backs of his knees hit his sofa, she put her hand on his chest and guided him down onto the cushion while he grabbed her by the waist and brought her with him.
She straddled him while rotating between sucking and giving little love bites to his neck while he worked on taking off her shirt and bra, his lips finally found her breasts and sucked on them while her hand reached down and stroked him until he became rock-hard. Unable to take any more separation, and the need to become one again after the turmoil she had put both of them through, she sat up quickly and disregarded her pants and thong before closing the gap and finding her place on his lap again.
"I love you." She whispered, while their foreheads touched, she looked deep into his eyes.
"God, I love you too." He whispered back as she raised her hips and positioned him at her entrance, she sat down on him, impaling herself in one hard stroke. They moaned in unison, the way their bodies were connecting diminishing the pain of not only the last few weeks but also everything leading up to and after their divorce. This was home, the two of them together, it didn't matter if they lived in the firehouse, or Derek's trailer, or Meredith's old house, home cannot be found in buildings made of wood or brick, it is found in the person who you love, the one you tie your life to, home is in the arms of the one you love and the old saying is true; there's no place like home.
This was the first time they had told each other that they loved one another in a very long time and the tension in the room decimated as each word was vocalized. This was not goodbye sex, this was them reconnecting, reclaiming what they let slip through their fingers and declaring a new start, marking a path and letting go of the past in lue of the future ahead, he had promised her forty plus years and now he had the opportunity to make good on his declaration because they had chosen each other, each of them willing to sacrifice for the other, and embarking on a future together, finding peace and solidarity for the future knowing that wherever life takes them, they will always be together, there was nothing to fear.
Fin.