warning: this story contains topics of suicide, depression, and potentially self-harm. please don't read if you are easily triggered or if those topics make you uncomfortable. and with that...

He was right—it is beautiful. That's all Aria Montgomery can think of as she stands on the rooftop of Rosewood High at half past midnight. She remembers listening to Ezra utter those words as he stared out towards the skyline in Manhattan, and although she knows that the Rosewood skyline is nothing in comparison, the few lights are still beautiful as they shine out, almost inviting her towards them. It's windy tonight but the chill feels like nothing against Aria's skin. The small hairs on her arms don't stand up and she doesn't have small bumps rising up on the surface like they should be. The brisk air doesn't bother her at all; she's felt this cold for a long time now.

Byron Montgomery never talked about his brother Scott much, and he didn't really have a reason to, but when Mike was beginning to struggle with depression Aria couldn't help but realize the clouded look in her father's eyes when his brother's name was mentioned more often around the house. She would hear it when she came home from school, attempting to be disguised with whispered voices and hushed tones as if it was some family secret meant to be kept away from the children. Aria always thought it was funny, because despite being unborn at the time of Scott Montgomery's untimely suicide it was never a secret how he died.

Aria remembers hearing the story as a young girl and wondering why he would ever do something like that. Why anyone would ever do something like that—something so impulsive and rash and as she thought then, stupid. It took years for her to slowly realize and understand the reasoning behind Scott's decision. It took even longer for her to get the courage to make the same decision for herself, and it's the reason that she's here tonight, standing on top of a building that holds so many of her happiest memories. She's been up here all day, waiting for the janitorial staff to lock up the doors and finally leave so she can feel at peace. It's given her time to think, not so much about her choice but about the people she'll be leaving behind.

Naturally, her first thoughts drift to Ezra. The first thing the rooftop brings is the memory of how his blood coated her hands and stained her fingernails red as she tried to stop the bleeding from the gunshot wound embedded in his side. The gunshot wound that was inflicted on him because of her, because he was doing what Ezra does and was trying to protect her, trying to put her needs above his own. This is the memory that only further confirms the choice she's made, and it makes her happy to know that without her, Ezra will find everything he's wanted in the world and more. Without her, Ezra will be safe and out of harms way. Without her, Ezra will have a better life, she's sure of it.

After the flashbacks from the rooftop pass she lets herself move on to more joyous memories. She lets herself imagine his smile and his eyes as they steal glances at her from across a classroom. She lets herself remember what it felt like to have his fingers barely touching hers on the surface of a desk, their hearts racing at an equally quickened pace due to the fact that they could be caught at any moment. She lets herself imagine that it's his arms wrapped around her small frame rather than her own as she stands on top of the building, hearing him whisper it's so beautiful into her ear again and again. She lets herself remember what it felt like to be loved by someone she loves back, someone she wishes she could be strong for. She wishes Ezra was enough to keep her here, and maybe if she didn't continually put him in danger he would be, but any time she spends caring for him is time he spends as a target for A's torture, and since she knows she will never be able to stop caring for him, this seems like a reasonable solution.

Of course, it's not her only reason for doing this. Her second thoughts are about her family. She thinks of her mom, now happily remarried to Zack. Aria couldn't be more grateful for him and Aria loves that her mom has found something to rekindle the fire in her life that Byron's affair seemed to drain out of her. Maybe without Aria her mother would finally be free of any guilt from starting a new family. She could have children with Zack, ones that weren't haunted by the ghost of an old friend or under the threats of a black hoodie. Aria didn't doubt Ella's love for her, but she also didn't doubt the reality that after a while Ella would move on and in time she would find happiness with her new family that she couldn't find before.

Mike is harder to justify leaving behind. Mike is fragile as it is when it comes to their family and this would certainly do nothing to help, but Aria also knows that the only reason he stays in their family home is because of her. He doesn't want to leave her alone, and once she's gone he'll have no reason not to stay with Ella and Zack, and Aria knows that he'll be better off because of it. They've offered the opportunity to stay with them to both her and her brother but she's never accepted, because for some reason she still has hope that maybe her family doesn't have to be completely broken. She wants to be strong for her brother and for all of the people who ask her about her father. She wants to keep believing that her father will finally come to his senses and return to the children he's left behind, but that dwindling hope is part of the reason she's here now too.

She slowly started accepting that she will have to stop telling everyone that her father is away because he's working in Syracuse, that he's planning on coming home at some point. That acceptance began the moment she went on an impulsive trip to Syracuse in hopes of getting away from Ezra and Rosewood, only to find that her father had left the college weeks before. She didn't have to ask if it meant goodbye, she knew the answer, but she still waited for months for him to come and take back the role of father he'd so easily left behind. She remembers calling to ask him where he was, hearing his drunken voice over the phone and the slurred apology that carried no weight, along with the offer to pay for her stay at Syracuse as long as she kept his absence quiet. She remembers trying to ask him questions only to be cut off by the faint voice of a woman—presumably Meredith—followed by a quick and empty promise by her father that he'd return home to Rosewood soon. Aria had foolishly believed him, or at least believed in the hope that he would keep his promise; she blamed Ezra for rubbing off his unbelievable sense of optimism on her. It was a hope she'd foolishly believed until now, because now she can finally admit to herself that her father is happier without her in his life, and he'll never return to her. Why would he?

Next she thought of her friends. She wishes that maybe Alison can fill in her role and it'll be as if Aria isn't gone. Her friends will never have to experience the pain of sitting down for lunch and realizing they only fill three spots rather than four. They will never take a road trip and find themselves staring longingly at the empty seat in the back. They will never have to change their routine and be constantly reminded of the missing person in their group. There is someone to take her spot, and that's all Aria can do to try and make her decision right by her friends. It's the hardest part of this, leaving her friends. While Aria strongly believes that anyone will be happier without her there isn't a good reason like she has with Ezra or her family. There isn't an obvious benefit, because even with her gone her friends are still targets for A's wrath.

However, there isn't much they gain by having her here anyway. Sure she's always thought of herself as a kind and loving friend, and she will do anything for them in a heartbeat and everyone knows it, but she also knows that she isn't perfect. She knows that she can be that girl who always talks about her boyfriend or her own problems too much. She tries not to be. The slight eye-rolls or annoyed sighs from her friends don't go unnoticed when Aria finds herself accidentally bringing up Ezra again in conversation. She hates herself for it. It's her way of asking for help the only way she knows how to, because she's found herself one too many times in a situation that she has no idea how to handle and if no one asks her if she's alright, she doesn't know how else to admit that she's breaking. Still, her boyfriend having a surprise kid pales in comparison to her best friend getting a car as an unwanted houseguest. She's never blamed them for being bothered by her, because they have their own problems that they are handling on their own too, and it makes her angry with herself that she can't handle things well like they do. And that's also her own fault, because if she knew how to deal with situations on her own then she wouldn't talk about them so much. But she does it anyway, because she hates feeling helpless and at least if she talks about it she can make it seem like she's dealing with her problems, even if the reality is that they are killing her.

Alison had her own share of faults but perhaps now she's changed for the better. Perhaps now she can properly fill the role of selfless, intelligent, non-annoying friend that Aria never could, and that thought gives Aria enough reason to believe that her friends will also be happier without her to impose on their already chaotic and stressful lives.

Aria was wrong to think as a little girl that committing suicide was an act of impulse. There's nothing impulsive about it. It's premeditated murder at its finest. The first time the thought trickles into your mind it's like a song in the background; it's there but quiet enough that you can ignore it and let it sink away from the present. It's always there, playing softly, but days will go by and you realize that you haven't noticed there was even a song playing. You only notice it when the world goes quiet and you're left alone with your thoughts, that's when it starts creeping back up into the forefront of your brain. Push it away fast enough and it will fall back into the distance, but slowly it will return, each time louder and louder until you reach this point, the point of standing on top of a rooftop and thinking about the happiness that jumping off will bring to those around you, and the peace it will bring to yourself. Eventually the thoughts will win and you'll find yourself plotting your own downfall, keeping it as a back-up plan. Eventually the thoughts stop being background noise and they start being just... you. They become you; they define you and everything you do until finally they destroy you.

Aria first remembers the word 'suicide' entering her mind as she heard her parents fighting over the letter Mona sent to her mother, the letter that was only sent to Ella because of Aria. She remembers it coming back only months later when she discovered that Mike had been acting out and stealing and could only find herself to blame. Again, it came back when she listened to her parents screaming over her relationship with Ezra, just another thing she'd done to ruin whatever remained of her family. And again the word returned when Ezra's mother helped Aria see just how much she'd fucked up Ezra's life for him. And it never went away after that. No matter how happy she felt there was a lingering feeling of dread somewhere in the pit of her stomach whenever she was near her family or Ezra. It only started getting really bad when Connor spread around rumors, despite some of them carrying a little bit of truth, about her and she realized she had fucked up Mike's chance at a happy life as well. And all the while A sat back and enjoyed the show that was Aria Montgomery spiraling into a black hole. There came a point when Aria couldn't keep up anymore. The games A was playing became too intense, too complicated for her to understand and it made her feel useless. She couldn't be a help to her friends, especially Spencer, who practically relapsed into an old drug addiction to figure out if Ezra was who she suspected or not, all for the sake of helping Aria. The rooftop in New York was all it took for Aria to finally snap, to finally give in to her thoughts and let them take her over. She can't do this anymore. She can't sit around like some helpless animal who does nothing but complicate people's lives and make them worse. Ezra, her family, her friends... they all deserve better.

Some people describe suicide as a selfish act, and as much as Aria would like to deny that statement and say that her only reason for taking her own life is for the sake of others, she can't. Some of it is a selfish act, for her anyway. The truth is she's tired. She's tired of being afraid and looking behind her shoulder everywhere she goes. She's tired of being a victim to some cruel asshole in a mask who doesn't understand when a prank's gone too far. She's tired of trying to kid herself into believing that she didn't cause the final split between her family. She's tired of pretending like she isn't to blame for most of the things that happen around her. She's tired of living like this, in fear of her own shadow. She admires Spencer, Hanna, Emily, and most of all, Alison, for their incredible strength. Aria wishes she could have that. She wishes she can keep going, keep trying to solve the mystery and figure it all out but she can't. She lost her will to keep fighting a long time ago, and she's been waiting for this moment to arrive the way a child waits to open presents on Christmas.

The wind picks up for a moment and a cluster of leaves blows by. In a moment she'll be like those leaves, light as a feather and free to go wherever the wind will take her. Nothing has ever felt more appealing to her than the chance to be free. Free from the chains of life around her ankles dragging her down and refusing to let her go. Free from the burdens of guilt and shame she carries around on her shoulders. She has to jump. She has to let the wind take her the same way it took those leaves. She has to know what it feels like to be weightless. This is where she finally finds her peace.

Aria takes a tentative step towards the ledge, not because she's afraid of going through with this, but because she wants just one more moment to remember all that she's leaving behind. She wants just one more glimpse at the life she's about to take. One more of Ezra's boyish, charming smiles. One more Friday night family dinner held on the living room couch. One more night of laughing until she cries with her friends. One more kiss accompanied by Ezra's welcoming arms embracing her, as if her body was always meant to fit against his. She can't remember when she moved forward but now she's right at the edge, the toe of her left shoe hanging over the side. Aria feels her cheeks become wet with tears and she can't help but smile as she lifts her left leg and stretches it out in front of her. One more glance at all of her favorite memories before everything turns to black.

"Aria?"

He's shouting but his voice is softened by the wind. It doesn't help that his throat is clenched shut in an attempt to block out the sobs trying to escape from him at the moment, which makes his voice come out thick and shaky and powerless.

"Aria?" He tries again after clearing his throat, but this time his voice cracks and it only sounds worse.

Aria's head snaps down at the same moment her foot comes back into contact with solid ground. She could swear she heard Ezra's voice coming from below her and she squints to try and get a better view. Surely enough, standing in the dim light of the lamppost underneath her, Ezra Fitz is looking up at her. From what she can see by the light on his face he's wearing an expression of hurt, confusion, and guilt. She rolls her eyes. She should have known something like this would have ended up happening. It's Ezra after all, her hero. The thing is, she has no desire to be saved.

"What are you doing here, Ezra?" Aria asks, her voice reflecting her annoyance. She just wants it to be over.

"Nobody's seen or heard from you all day so I called Mike. He said you told him you were sleeping at my place tonight. I just... I got worried," he calls up to her. He's trying to keep his voice calm and composed but Aria doesn't ignore the way it quivers in the air. "I thought something happened so I've been driving around Rosewood..." he trails off.

"Well everything's fine so you can go back to your apartment now," Aria snaps coldly.

He bites his lip, desperate and determined to stay strong and not let himself lose control. What he really wants to do is cry, or scream, or both. He wants to yell at her for being so selfish, for almost leaving him alone. He wants to scream until he loses his voice because the second he spotted her small figure standing on the roof he felt something inside of him break. Whatever it was it's easily the worst pain he's ever felt, far worse than any gunshot wound.

"Aria..." he pleads. He doesn't know what else to say, he doesn't know how to help her. "Aria, I'm coming up."

She sighs. For a moment she smiles because the doors are locked, but she quickly remembers that since returning to Rosewood High he probably was given keys. Aria wishes he would just leave. Does he know she would never do this in front of him or is he just going on hope? Perhaps he's just scared. Aria remembers a time when her own thoughts used to frighten her; how the idea of dying by her own means made her tremble with fear and curiosity. The fear is long gone now, replaced by relief and eagerness that the grueling battle Aria fought for so long is now over. A minute passes and then she hears the creaky metal door swing open behind her.

"Ezra. Go home," Aria says dismissively without turning around. She suddenly notices how tired her legs are and she lowers herself down so she's perched along the edge, feet dangling over the side.

Ezra lets out the breath he's been holding as he sees her sit. Sitting is better than standing, right? "If you want me to go home then I'm afraid you'd have to be with me," he replies. "It doesn't feel right without you there, you know." Because my home is where you are, he wants to add, but the line is too cheesy for his liking and he hopes she'll understand him without it.

Aria laughs but it feels empty and hopeless and it makes Ezra's stomach turn. "Nothing like a ticking time-bomb to call home sweet home. Didn't anyone ever tell you to find a more stable home?"

"I stopped taking people's advice a long time ago. You should know that."

"Maybe you should've listened," she says simply.

"Aria—"

"Did you know I'm failing calculus? And history?" she asks, changing the subject. Her tone is light as if she's telling him something as simple as the time. "My teachers tell me that lately my mind seems to be in a different place and that I'm not focused on my schoolwork," she says dryly and laughs. "Hard to focus on anything when there's someone trying to kill you every time you turn around."

Well, two people trying to kill you. She doesn't miss the fact that she is the one dangling her life over a ledge right now. Ezra doesn't say anything. He doesn't know what to say. He can't risk saying something wrong and losing her forever. The way she's speaking is unsettling. Her voice is calm, distant, and non-conflicted, having already accepted the reality of her decision.

"Please leave, Ezra," she asks again. She doesn't want to do this in front of him. She can't. She would never do that to him.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Please."

"Aria, I'm not leaving." Ezra takes a small step forward, testing the waters. He doesn't want to do anything that could potentially make her do something drastic.

She laughs again, the same empty laugh as before. "What are you going to do? Wait here all night?"

"Yes," he answers, taking another step. "If that's what it takes."

Aria's face softens. "Just go," she says quietly, trying to hide the pain in her voice. "I don't want to hurt you more than I already have."

This time it's Ezra who laughs. "Right. Don't you get that this would hurt me the most?" he asks in disbelief.

"Short-term, maybe. But in the end, the pain you feel from this won't be nearly as bad as the pain you'd feel with me in your life."

"How can you even say that?" he chokes out. He's been trying to keep himself composed for her sake but he doesn't know if he can hold in his tears for much longer.

Aria turns her head slightly over her shoulder and it's the closest she's come to looking directly at Ezra all night. "With me in your life you're still a target for A. You got shot, what do you think A will do next now that you're still alive? Your life is at risk just because I can't stop caring about you."

"Then let's leave."

"What?"

Ezra is only a few feet away from her now. "Let's go to New York, Chicago, Iceland, anywhere," he says desperately.

Aria lets out a breathy laugh. "Ezra—"

"No, if you're worried about A then let's pack up and move, right now. Someplace where A can't reach us."

Aria lifts her head up and looks at the sky, trying to will away the tears forming in her eyes. "And there you go again, throwing away everything you have because of me. Don't you understand, Ezra? That's why I'm not good for you. That's why you'll be happier if I'm gone."

"Don't you understand, Aria? You are the only thing that has ever been good for me."

She sighs and looks down to her lap. "I love you, Ezra, more than I have ever loved anyone and you know that. And I know that you love me, I don't doubt that for a minute..." Ezra lowers himself beside her but she keeps her head down. "But I'm trying to do the only thing that can help you so just... let me."

"Aria... Please, please, don't do this because of me."

Finally Aria looks at Ezra. She can clearly see the tears that he'd been trying to hold in for so long escaping and the sight makes her feel sick. She doesn't expect him to understand now that this is for the better, but seeing him cry is enough to make her cry and she can't have that, so she turns her head away from him.

"It's not just you, Ezra. It's everything... I'm not a crucial part of anyone's life; all I do is fuck it up. My mother can't have the real family she wants with Zack because she doesn't want to make me feel bad, my brother gets teased in school because of me, I'm useless when it comes to helping my friends figure out who A is... I mean, my own father can't even be around me anymore. It's selfish of me to stay when all I do is cause pain. I'm just sick of living like this. I'm sick of being scared all the time. I'm sick of not being able to trust anyone. I'm sick of being a burden. I'm so fucking exhausted and I can't take this anymore. I'm done fighting with myself to stay alive. It's over... The war is over and I've lost."

"Aria, look at me," Ezra whispers.

She looks down at her feet and shakes her head.

"Aria..." Ezra says again, reaching his hand out slowly to touch her cheek.

She shudders at the contact; it's been so long since she's felt this kind of warmth. In the previous weeks even Ezra's touch hadn't been enough to make her feel alive—to make her feel anything. He tilts her face towards him and forces Aria to look at him.

"You have been through far more than anyone should ever have to in their lives. Every day that I see you I wonder how you can do it, because if it were me there is no way I could ever be as strong as you are. You are the strongest person I've ever known," Ezra says to her, staring into her eyes so she has no choice but to listen. "I'm not asking you to be okay with what has happened to you, Aria. You don't deserve any of it and despite what you've made yourself believe, there is no one in this world who could ever be harmed by having you in their life." Aria recognizes the similar words that she once heard her father say to her and she lets out a muffled sob. "I'm asking you to stay with me. Because I am selfish and because I can't fucking stand to live in a world without you. Despite everything you've gone through I am begging you to keep going because I love you so damn much, Aria. I don't care if being with you makes me a target because that's my decision to make, not yours. I need you. I need you in my life, Aria. I know that it's selfish of me to ask but please don't give up. For me," Ezra pleads softly.

Aria opens her mouth to speak but she can't find the right words. She doesn't know how to respond. She was so close to finally being free. As if to mock her, the wind picks up slightly and a new set of leaves flies into the air behind Ezra. Aria wants nothing more than to follow them into the sky. Hearing Ezra in such a vulnerable state makes her heart ache. She hates seeing him like this. She hates knowing that she's the one causing him pain. Most of all she hates the effect his words can have on her. Aria hates the way they pull on her heart and make her rethink her choices.

"You don't understand, Ezra. There's nothing left for me here. My friends, my family... They're all ready to move on and wherever they're going, it doesn't include me. I don't have anything—"

"You have me," Ezra cuts in. "You will always have me, and I know that isn't enough but I—I can't do this without you."

Aria stares at him with her mouth slightly open. She licks her lips and the taste of salt runs over her tongue. She quickly brings up her hand and wipes the tears away from her cheeks. Aria makes a move to speak but instead the words escape her throat in the form of broken cries. She covers her mouth with her hand to silence herself but now that she's started she can't seem to stop, and all she can do is fall forward into Ezra's arms and bury her face into his neck.

"I don't—" she cries. "I—I don't know what to do. It hurts, Ezra. Everything hurts," she manages to choke out between sobs.

Her hands make their way between their bodies and her fingers curl around the front of Ezra's shirt as Ezra wraps his arms around her, his cheek pressed against her head, as he lets her cry. Even though the sound of Aria crying always makes his skin crawl it's a far better alternative to the empty and emotionless Aria he saw earlier that night.

"I don't—I can't do this. I—" she breathes out shakily into his neck.

"Promise me," he whispers. "Promise me you'll try."

Her body shakes against his, the force of her cries making her shudder. He tightens his arms around her, refusing to let go until she says yes. He knows that what he's asking isn't fair. He knows that he has no right to make Aria keep fighting when she's living in hell but he can't help it. He can't lose her. If he does he thinks he'll go insane. The town would be offering him a room at Radley before they can even schedule a funeral.

"Ezra I—" Aria starts as soon as she's calm enough to speak again.

"Please..."

Aria lifts her head from its space in Ezra's neck and looks up at him. The tears in the corners of his eyes haven't dried but he still looks as handsome as ever. She wants to scream at him for stopping her, for forcing her to second-guess her decision and for making this so difficult. She was ready to die. She was ready to leave him and everything else in her life behind for the greater good but now... Now she can only think about the man sitting before her, begging for her to stay alive, and the look on his face when she first saw him that reminded her of a lost, sick puppy who'd just been kicked in the stomach. This doesn't change anything; she still knows that he'd be better off without her. Nothing about how she feels is any different, but for some reason that she can't explain, she looks him in the eyes and says, "Okay."

"Okay?" Ezra looks at her hopefully.

"I promise."

The look of relief and happiness on Ezra's face is indescribable. Aria wishes she could feel that way. She wishes she could know what it feels like to be so damn optimistic and joyful all the time. Ezra leans forward and kisses her forehead, holding her in place for a moment before pulling away and resting his forehead against hers. His hand leaves its position on her back and moves to graze her cheek, his thumb wiping away leftover tears.

"I love you," he breathes. "So much, Aria." He presses his lips against hers. "I love you," he repeats, mumbling the words against her mouth.

Aria lets out a shaky laugh and places her hand over his, leaning her face into his palm. "I love you, too. Please, no matter what, never doubt that. Never doubt that I love you more than anything in this world," she whispers back to him before moving in for another kiss.

This kiss is longer, filled with desperation and wordless apologies. Ezra begins trailing his mouth down her neck and Aria sighs in content. For the first time in weeks she feels alive again. Each of his sloppy kisses ignites something beneath her skin that excites her and makes her yearn for more. Her hands make their way into Ezra's curls as he continues marking every inch of her neck and collarbone with his lips. She fists his hair, reveling in the feeling of it between her fingers as she chases after this feeling that has been lost to her for so long.

Breathless, Ezra eventually pulls away and looks at her with a dazed smile. Maybe he recognizes the difference in Aria's reaction now to what it was only a few weeks ago. She returns the smile and leans her head against his shoulder, looking out at the skyline. Her hand finds his and she locks their fingers together. She doesn't know if she can do this... Life. She loves Ezra but this is so much bigger than him. She can't make the promise that she'll be okay. Still, she's willing to try for him; she's willing to make the effort to have him be enough.

"It's beautiful," Aria says, still staring out at the city of Rosewood.

"Yeah," Ezra replies, though his gaze hasn't left Aria's face. "It is."

A/N: so... sorry about this, but as you can probably tell from reading i have been in a really shit mood for the past month or so which is also why i haven't gotten around to updating Our New Beginning. instead of doing that ive been writing this and also another sad one-shot because its all ive been able to write lately and i just wanted to at least get something up for you guys. so again, im very sorry that ive been so horrible about updating, i will try my best to get that done as soon as possible. this story is actually one that, subject-matter wise, ive been thinking about for a very long time now, i just never really got around to writing it. so anyways, review and let me know if you want me to continue this story any further. please note that continuing this will not affect my other story in any way. thank you for all the support and again im so so sorry. please review!