Somebody Out There.
Audrey slowly sank down into the plastic chair in a side room off from the clinic inside CTU. She leaned back with her head resting against the wall allowing her eyes to close. The tears still fell, and a sob wracked her body, shattering the eerie silence.
How could this have happened? She didn't know what to think, if she were honest. She whished to hell Paul hadn't been there, hadn't been shot. But if he hadn't, it would be Jack in his position. Would that be better or worse, she wondered? Seeing Paul again in the hotel had no doubt stirred up feelings she had thought long gone, and seeing Jack do what he did, that too had stirred up certain feelings, but none she wanted to remember.
She hadn't read his file when he first came to D.C., but her father made her aware of the facts she needed to know. Jacks personal history, his wife, his daughter and his departure from CTU. She had only been told to make Jack's move easier, Heller had been eager to get him on board and didn't want to put him off by some casual comment which could, for him, be devastating.
When their relationship became intimate he had confided in her. There were things about himself he tried to lock away and hide from everyone, but at the same time it was obvious he was dying to get the secrets off his chest. The burden was lying heavy on him but he didn't want to admit it, and he was too proud to give some of the weight to somebody else for a while.
He had told her there were things about him which would make her turn away from him without telling him what they were, that was the only way he could confront her about his fears. His fears of people knowing what he really was, and an even greater fear of loosing her.
They had talked deep into the night and Jack slept with ease, finally thinking that she really had accepted him for what he was. How wrong he had been. She decided that the problem was how she hadn't been aware of the extent of what he had done, the extremism and brutality of his actions she could never had anticipated. But then she had witnessed them, first hand, performed on her husband. And as much as she didn't want to admit it, she didn't like seeing Jack hurt the man she loved.
She loved Jack, but now she feared him too. Was that really love? But Paul… Something had happened, something was real again between them. She had felt an urge to protect him as she watched Jack hurt him, she couldn't comprehend the fact that this had to be done, and she couldn't accept that it was Jack doing it.
She still loved him, she reassured herself, but she knew it would never be the same again. Maybe he knew it too. When she had rushed out of the chopper to be by Paul's side as they took him into CTU she had forgotten about Jack even being there. At one time she didn't notice anybody else in the room if he was there. He hadn't called after her either, she thought, he had just let her go. He must know it too, she thought, although she knew it was odd for her to think of Jack as giving in. But then, he was so overprotective of her, he probably knew how much he had hurt her and was trying to limit the damage by giving her space.
God damn it, she thought! How can one man be so compelling, so complex that despite the pain and hurt he inflicted she still couldn't help defending him, sympathising even. What was she supposed to do? Was her love for Paul real, or would it fade with his injuries? Could she risk throwing away the special bond she and Jack had, or more importantly, was there anything left between them at all?
"Why is this happening to me," she whined out loud dropping her head into her hands as her tears dripped silently onto the grey polished floor.
She was in the same position when Heller dragged a chair down the corridor and sat next to her quietly, not saying anything. He knew that nothing anybody could say would be of any help to her. He stretched his arm out behind her and she leaned into it happy for the contact.
The corridor was quiet with it being by the clinic, so it was left alone mostly. The few people that passed by made sure to look straight ahead making no contact, Heller felt like a new kid at school. Everybody was aware of who they were, but nobody wanted to be with them, especially with the problem being so personal to both of them. It screamed, "distance!" to the workers in CTU and thankfully they kept it.
He patted her on the back gently until the tears stopped and she finally moved out of his arms and looked up at him. He had a soft smile on his face, glad she had stopped crying. Her eyes were puffy and blood shot and the skin on her face had also turned blotchy from the tears running down her cheeks. She sniffed and ran moved her hair out of her face messily, before sniffing again and trying to compose herself.
"They say there's a chance he can make it," she muttered, nodding her head as she spoke as though to reassure herself.
Heller said nothing, he waited patently knowing that wasn't the only reason for her breakdown.
"He did it to save Jack." She announced suddenly. "Did you know that? Paul pushed Jack out of the way, he took the bullets for him."
Heller's facial expression changed from sympathy to shock and then worry all at once. He wondered how Jack would be feeling right now and could only imagine the guilt he was experiencing for Paul's injury, and the regret and pain he would direct at himself if Audrey choose to be with him after the day played out.
"I just keep wondering… What if he hadn't pushed him, what if it was Jack who had been shot? Part of me thinks it would be fair, this is Jack's world not Paul's... But then I feel terrible. I love Jack… But now I can't stop thinking about Paul, wishing Jack never dragged him into this. He's done nothing wrong and now he may lose his life… It's all so unfair…" she cried before bursting into body wracking sobs once more.
"Sweetheart what you're feeling is normal. You love Jack but you're old feelings for Paul have resurfaced due to the danger he's in. None of this is fair, so you're going to direct you're anger at Jack as it makes most sense to you right now. That's okay, you're going to question your relationship with him, and Paul. But honey you're in shock. Wait to see how all of this plays out before making any rash decisions, I'd hate to see you do something you'll later regret…"
"I'm not making any decisions," she stammered. "It's just… I think of Paul and something tells me it should be Jack but it shouldn't be him either. I love Jack, I love him so much… But now I'm unsure of him - the things I've seen him do… what he did to Paul, my God-"
"Audrey you're being unfair. Jack knows the demands of his job and the consequences if he fails. He shuts everything out as he works, I'm sure that deep down he's hurting over what he has had to do just as much as you are."
"I'm surprised to see you defending him," she said, her voice tinted with anger.
"I'm defending nobody I'm stating the facts as I see them. You need to rest. Wait to see how Paul comes through, clear you're head - then decided what's happening with you and Jack. You know I'll support you no matter what you do."
"I've already decided," she said, using the sleeve of her jacket to wipe at her eyes again. Heller could see the look of determination in her eyes and looked down at the floor, there was nothing he could do. If she had already made her mind up he wouldn't be able to convince her to wait until she could think rationally, if he did she would stick with her decision just to prove her point.
"What's that," he asked defeated, no longer animated as he had earlier been.
"I'm going to follow my heart," she said, before trotting off down the hallway away from her father. She still didn't know which path she would chose, but she hoped that after seeing Paul or Jack she would know which direction was the right one to head in.
She wasn't allowed in the operating room, there was a security guard stationed outside preventing anybody from going in. Through the little square window she could see him, laid out on a gurney while people fussed around him, trying to bring him back. She felt her stomach drop with worry as she watched, but she didn't know if there was anything else there either. She knew it would be unfair to leave Jack out of guilt to Paul, she owed Jack more than that. Turning away she headed towards the main building of CTU to find Jack, hoping to find any indication of still being able to work things out with him after seeing him.
She knew she couldn't voice his fears to him, he would be scared away with the thought of her leaving him, devastated. Earlier this very day he had told her he loved her, she knew for a man like Jack those were the hardest words to admit to anybody, but he had. At the time she had felt her legs turn to jelly with joy, now they shook with the fear of having to tell him it was over. Could she do that to him?
He had been unreasonably patient with her relationship with Paul. He never spoke about him to her in fear of trying to make her do something she didn't want to. She had already decided on getting a divorce before her relationship with Jack which she knew he found comfort from. She thought back through the day, every time Paul had rang he had silently handed the phone over. No comment about his reason for calling, he never bad mouthed him or tried to speed up the process. She couldn't have asked for anything better, if she were truthful, he gave her the space and time to make her own decisions while letting her know he was there for her if she needed him. Something Paul never did, she recalled, he liked to make her decisions for her, but Jack didn't even try to influence her relationship with him.
She knew this was harder than she thought. She had hoped she would see Paul and a light would flash in her heart. 'He's the one,' or, 'Stay with Jack.' Unfortunately the problem was far more complex than that, but she knew she had to do what was right by herself. She couldn't stay with Jack out of kindness, or the fear of the guilt of leaving him. On the same hand she couldn't stay with Paul because of his injuries, if he survived at all. She had to take everything into account, her relationship with Jack and her marriage with Paul. As she told herself this she couldn't stop thinking about a second chance with Paul, how different things would be. Besides, for all she knew Jack may want to stay at CTU, he had more going for him here in terms of work than he did in Washington.
But that was unfair too. How could she end there relationship because he 'might' want to change careers? Even if he did want to do that, she knew he wouldn't. Not for her anyway.
Tony came her way and hushed her into a conference room when she asked about Jack. He had been taken hostage by Marwan. She felt her breath catch in he throat and her hands clam up as she realised what this meant, the danger he was in. After ordering Tony to find him she mused over Tony's words about Jack. About stopping the threat being more important than his life. They were true, she realised, he really did value his work more than his life, even in D.C. he had held the view. If he had to sacrifice himself for his country then so be it.
What did that say about her, she wondered? If he so calmly walked into a terrorist trap he may never walk out of? Did he not care about leaving her behind, alone, without him? A sinking feeling settled in her stomach, she couldn't live like this, but it was the only way he could live.
There was no future left between them, not after today.
She felt a small smile touch her lips as the realisation hit her. Perhaps she had known all along but failed to acknowledge it. They were from two different worlds. He had tried living in her world, but she knew that wasn't fair on him, he should be here. And 'here' was the last place she wanted to be.
She realised that her love for Paul seemed stronger now, almost as though she appreciated him more. They belonged to the same world, they belonged together. She loved Jack, and she was thankful he had helped her realise this. If it hadn't been for today they would both be living lies. But now, after the threat was over, all three of them could get their lives back on track. Audrey started heading back to Paul's room, still worried about Jack but more so of Paul. This was Jack's life, he could deal with it better than anyone else but Paul's life now laid in the hands of somebody else.
She didn't budge from the door leading to the operating room, and eventually the guard got tired of trying to persuade her to wait elsewhere, he even moved aside so she had the full view of the window. The longer she stayed the more it seemed right to her, even after she had been made aware of the trade involving Jack. He was safe, but it didn't mean much to her. He could be in as much danger only hours later, so why should she worry when he was bringing it on himself?
She was delighted when he was declared stable and just hours later, she was allowed to see him. He was conscious and had been asking for her, she was informed, she couldn't help but smile. She sat besides him as they talked, she told him of her plans, how she wanted to go back home with him. He seemed sceptical at first, especially as Jack hadn't been told the news, but happy with how things had changed. She really did want to be with him, he thought sleepily, aware of the sadness he felt for Jack. He wasn't overly keen of the man but he respected him. Of course he was ecstatic he had been given this chance to start over, but he knew how it felt to be left, he understood the pain Jack would feel when Audrey broke the news to him.
Just a few hours ago, Audrey thought as she cried, everything had been so perfect. Then Jack had ruined everything. Paul's heart began having problems and he was rushed back into surgery. She panicked and worried, and then watched in shock as Jack barged into the room with another patient. She watched in disbelief as he held the doctor at gunpoint, he was going to let Paul die and he didn't even know about the second life they had been planning together.
She had been dragged out of the operating room kicking and screaming and cursing Jack. Crying for Paul as his life had slipped away. The guards were going to restrain her but Tony had stepped in, allowing her to pull on his shirt as she cried and broke down.
It didn't make sense. Things were going to be perfect this time. She felt bad about knowing she would be leaving Jack, and knew it would be hard, but it would be worth it to be with Paul again. Then he had changed everything. He had destroyed the good thing she was going to have after leaving him, and he hadn't even been aware of the irony of his actions.
She didn't hate him, she realised as she tugged at Tony's shirt even harder. She wasn't even shocked. This was his world and this was what he had to do. She was angry that her decision to leave him had been right, and she hadn't been able to experience it. She could see the devastation in his eyes as she attacked him, a look of pure defeat had spread across his face as he realised what he had done. But then he had wiped it away and took a deep breath preparing himself to keep going, keep working until everything was okay.
She despised Jack for killing Paul but knew it was worthless, Jack would hate himself forever for his actions, he would punish himself more than her screams ever would. Why did it have to be Paul, she cried, Tony had no answer as he held her, feeling his own eyes tear up knowing what Jack had had to do, and the consequences he would suffer for doing do.
She hadn't asked why it had to be Jack, who did what he did. They both knew why. Tony more so than her as he wondered if would have the strength to do as his friend had. Maybe he thought, but maybe not. Jack had to do it, he was the only person strong enough to do what had to be done. He had to be that somebody who got results, it was what he did best and everybody knew it.
That was why she knew they could never be together, they were from different worlds and she wanted no part in his.