Mornings were always the hardest. He'd wake up when the house was quiet…too quiet. It had been nearly a year since Jessica's return and Aubrey's departure, yet he still found himself spending way too much time sitting and thinking. Thinking meant remembering and remembering meant hurting. This morning was no exception.
He thought back to the last night they'd spent together, how he'd held her in his arms until they'd both fell asleep, but that wasn't the part that replayed in his memory over and over again. As he held the small note card in his hand, his mind replayed the moment he'd found it.
Rolling over in bed he'd stretched out his arm, expecting to find her warm body wrapped in a sheet, much the way she'd been the night before. Instead he'd found sheets, cool from the lack of a warm body in them. In her place was a note.
Joey,
This was the perfect way to say goodbye. You have responsibilities here and we both need to move on. I'll never forget you or this…. I'm sorry.
Love always,
Kelly
It was the shock of it that hit him the hardest, the way her words simply ripped his heart from his chest. He'd realized that she was hesitant to begin again with him, especially with him still married to Aubrey, but he'd never imagined she would leave…never like this.
Joey carefully replaced the card in the bedside table drawer. Some memories were better off forgotten.
She smiled. There had been times over the last year when she wondered if she would ever truly feel like smiling again, but now as she looked down at her sleeping daughter, she couldn't imagine being any happier. Her life was truly blessed.
Sure, there were times that the sadness hit her, particularly when she noticed the striking similarities. Mindy had his eyes, and sometimes when she gazed up at her, Kelly felt as if she could almost cry. Those moments were less frequent now than they used to be.
After writing the letter, she'd promised herself to let it go. She had to..not only for herself, but for her daughter. She had to move on…to start living again. She'd given him a choice—the ball was in his court now.
Joey heaved the cardboard box onto the couch. At least he was finally being forced to do this. Kevin's phone call the night before had given him just the kick in the pants he needed. He and Zane were coming for a visit and he certainly didn't want him to think he was living in the past. He hadn't been putting it off for sentiments sake for sure, but something about going through all the papers, seeing tangible reminders of his stupidity seemed like unnecessary torture.
As he dug through the drawer he found pictures of woman he'd long since realized didn't even exist…a certificate to mark a marriage that was a lie, and various other letters and mementos of a life that had been a complete and total scam.
Firing up the shredder, he began to feed the pieces of the past year into the blades. Satisfied that the drawer was empty he pushed it close, stopping when he heard the sound of paper scratching against the tracks. He leaned over, looking into the drawer. One envelope remained. It was shoved so far back that without removing the entire drawer, it would be impossible to get to. Joey sighed, probably another stupid, useless love letter. He shoved the door closed once more and moved to walk away.
Descending the stairs, he placed several bags filled with clothing by the door. These could go to charity, he figured. At least that way Aubrey would be doing some good, whether she wanted to or not.
His mind went back to the letter in the desk drawer. Something drew him to it. He walked back over and opened the drawer, using a letter opener to scratch at the side. Finally, the letter was freed.
His breath caught as he turned it over. It was addressed to him. He'd seen this handwriting many times before….He didn't need to look at the return address to know exactly who it was from.
She turned the page with a smile. The album had been good for her. It forced her to make note of all the happy moments she had with Mindy and not worry so much about the times that weren't so great. There had been plenty of those as well.
She glanced back over at her sleeping daughter. It was hard to believe that just three hours ago, she'd been sitting in a waiting room praying that her daughter would come home. Those visits were all too frequent lately. Kelly took a deep breath as she placed the picture of her sleeping daughter on the page. This was a good moment to remember.
Joey stared at the letter. Opening it was tempting, but frightening at the same time. The last letter he'd received from Kelly had been nothing more than a short goodbye, but this….this was a letter. He glanced at the postmark. It was nearly a year old…she hadn't called, she hadn't written again. His hands shook as he opened the letter and began to read.
Joey,
I hope this letter finds you well. I've written and rewritten this a thousand times it seems and it never reads any better to me. I don't know what to say to you or really how to even begin to say it. I know that you are with Aubrey and that the two of you are raising Ryder and I want you to know that I understand. You're doing this for your sister…I understand that, but I couldn't stay there and watch you do it. It just hurt too much.
I'm living in London now. I can see Zane more often and I'm enjoying being closer to him. It's nice to have family around me…especially now. Please understand that this is never something I wanted to tell you in a letter, Joey. I never wanted it to be this way. If you want to contact me, Kevin knows how to get in touch with me. If not, I understand and I'll be ok. We'll be ok. I'll think of you often.
Love always,
Kelly
Joey was confused. None of this made any sense. Slowly he moved to the second page as he felt his hands begin to shake. He silently moved to sofa, trying to catch his breath. He stared at the fuzzy black and white image as he realized what this meant. Kelly was in London with his child.
He sat unable to move as his mind filled with questions. Why hadn't she written again? Why hadn't she called? Kevin…his mind began to race through the letter again. She'd said to call Kevin.
Quickly, he grabbed the phone dialing the numbers. He paced the floors as he waited for a voice to answer.
"Hello," Kevin answered, surprised to see his brother's name on the screen.
"Kev," Joey said frantically, "Do you know where Kelly is…I need to talk to her."
Kevin sighed. Kelly was a huge part of the reason he was going to see his brother. In all honesty, he had kept his distance from Joey over the past year mainly because he couldn't understand his decision. Kelly and Zane were the most important people in his world, no matter what circumstances had brought them together. Knowing that Joey had the chance to be a father and simply chose not to be involved really didn't sit well with him.
"Joey, why don't we talk about this when I get to Llanview," Kevin said, trying to avoid getting into what could be a very unpleasant conversation in a crowded airport.
"You don't understand," Joey protested. "I just found a letter…in a drawer. Aubrey must have found it and hid it or something. I don't know." His head was pounding and his mind was still spinning with questions. None of this made sense to him. How did his life get this screwed up?
Kevin stilled for a moment. "The letter?"
Could it actually be possible that Joey was just reading the letter that Kelly sent him? Did he not know he had a child?
"What letter?" he asked, wanting to confirm his suspicions.
"The letter," Joey said, his voice elevated. "I know, Kevin. I found the letter and the sonogram. I just found it….literally about ten minutes ago. She said that you knew how to contact her and I have to get in touch with her. I have to let her know why I didn't call….why I wasn't there for her."
Kevin took a breath.
"You didn't know…all this time…you really didn't know."
"Of course I didn't know. My God…do you honestly think I wouldn't have been there…that I wouldn't have called..written…something? Come on Kevin…you know me."
Kevin shook his head, running his hand across his neck. He did know his brother and that was part of what had made this so difficult for him. Everytime he saw Kelly with Mindy, he could see how much she was hurting….and he didn't understand. It just didn't make any sense…finally now, it was beginning to.
"I'll text you her number right now," Kevin said, hoping against hope that it wasn't too late.
"How's she doing?" he asked, coming up behind her as she stood there.
"She's good," Kelly whispered, turning back and smiling at him. "Thanks for staying, but you really don't have to. She seems fine."
"I'm not just staying for her you know," he said carefully wrapping his arm around Kelly's shoulder.
"I know." She smiled. "Listen, Michael. You've been wonderful the last few months. I don't know what I would have done without your help. The way you stepped in and walked me through everything at the hospital…how you explained everything to me...I'll never be able to thank you for that."
Michael smiled. "You don't have to thank you. It's my job."
Kelly shook her head. "I don't know of any other doctors that accompany their patients home from the hospital…especially since she's not even your patient anymore."
"She'll always be my patient. She's one of my favorites." He stood, looking down at Mindy, who still slept soundly in her bassinet. "You know, you really should get some rest yourself," he said to Kelly.
"I'm fine," she whispered. "I like watching her sleep. It relaxes me."
"You sure? I can stay if you want to lie down and get a nap."
"No, really. It's fine. You go. I'm sure there are plenty of people at the hospital that really do need your help."
Michael smiled, leaning in to softly kiss her cheek. "I'll see you later."
Kelly watched as he walked out the door. She stood watching her sleeping daughter. Michael had been a lifesaver for her. She'd met him during her pregnancy, during one of the many scares she'd had. Michael was on call one night when she'd come into the ER spotting and cramping and terrified. He'd sat with her, talked with her, and been there for her. When he'd asked if there was someone he could call, she'd broken down in tears, pouring out everything at Joey and Aubrey.
Michael had simply listened and at some point, he'd become the person she'd call when she needed someone…whether it was a medical emergency or just someone to talk to. When Mindy had her first asthma attack, Michael had met her at the hospital and held her hand while she waited for news. Michael was everything she'd ever dreamed of. He was charming and handsome and he adored Mindy. There was only one problem—he wasn't Joey.
Joey held the phone in his hand. He took a deep breath as he tried to think of something…anything he could say to her. In his mind, he saw the words in the letter over and over again. Questions seemed to scream inside his head. Why hadn't she tried again? Why hadn't she called? Didn't she know he wouldn't ignore her? His breath caught as the thought overwhelmed him. What if something happened? What if she lost the baby? If something happened and he wasn't there….He'd never be able to live with himself.
"God," he sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. There was only one way to get the answers he so desperately needed. He took one final breath and slowly began to dial the numbers.
She felt her body relaxing as her eyelids slowly drifted closed. In her dreams he was always there—even though it had been nearly a year. Sometimes when she woke up, she'd swear his arms were still around her—those dreams were the hardest to wake up from.
The ringing of the phone startled her, she rushed across the room, trying desperately to ensure the noise didn't wake Mindy. Grabbing the receiving, she pressed it to her ear.
"Hello," she said in a hushed voice.
Joey's heartbeat immediately accelerated. The mere sound of her voice sent a chill through him. He couldn't help but smile. That voice was one he'd been longing to here for months and now he was…it was like soft music and yet he had no idea how to respond.
Kelly stood, glancing over at the bassinet, looking for any sign of Mindy being disturbed.
"Hello," she repeated again, a little louder. "Is anyone there?" The sound of the sheet rustling got her attention and the soft cry of her daughter shattered the otherwise silent moment. Kelly sighed and smiled. She cradled the phone between her neck and shoulder as she picked up her still sleepy and now very fussy daughter.
"Guess they didn't want to talk to us after all, huh baby girl?" she whispered, softly kissing her forehead as she placed the receiver back on the base, effectively ending the connection. She walked back over to the rocking chair as she cradled her daughter in her arms. "That's ok…it's just you and me."
He felt as if his knees might buckle beneath him. Sitting completely still, he tried to process what just happened. The brief moment when he'd heard his baby…his daughter crying from another room…another country. How had this happened? How had things gotten so messed up? He didn't know. What he did know was that he had to fix it….He had to get to them. Standing up from the couch, he made quick work of the stairs. Grabbing a bag from the closet, he began to pull clothes from the closet as he grabbed his cell from his pocket. The BE jet would be flying out tonight.
There were advantages to having a private plane at your disposal, Joey thought as he grabbed his bag and descended the steps.
Spotting Kevin he quickened his step and gladly reached out to his brother.
"Good to see you," Kevin said, clapping his hand on his brother's shoulder.
He could tell immediately how nervous Joey was, and as much as he hated to see his brother so upset, he had good reason. Kelly hadn't had an easy go of it. She'd had a tough pregnancy and Mindy's health issues hadn't made things any easier since her birth. He remembered the first night he'd gotten a phone call from her. She'd apologized for calling him, but she'd told him she didn't know anyone else to call. He had no idea she was pregnant..She hadn't told anyone. All the scares she's had—she'd dealt with them alone.
It was nearly three a.m. when he'd arrived at the hospital and she'd nearly collapsed in his arms when he'd reached out to her. As soon as he laid eyes on the little girl in the hospital isolette, he knew exactly what had happened. Kelly told him the whole story, about the letter, about leaving, about Joey not responding, about him staying with Aubrey…all of it. He begged her to call him…to give him another chance, but she'd made him swear not to say anything. It was a difficult promise to make, but she had promised she'd tell him herself just as soon as Mindy's health stabilized. The only problem was—it never really had. Mindy's asthma attacks became more and more frequent and more and more severe, so much so that Kevin couldn't bring himself to add to Kelly's worries. He simply supported her as much as he could, though he could tell her was a poor substitute for Joey.
"Kevin," Joey said for the third time.
"Huh?" he said, looking up at his brother. He realized he'd been lost in his own memories. "Sorry," he admitted. "I was just thinking."
"About Kelly?," he asked. Joey knew Kevin had been here for her. In the back of his mind, he wondered if they had grown closer again. They'd been raising Zane together for years before she'd returned to Llanview…maybe now, they'd been raising his daughter together.
It only took one look at Joey for Kevin to know exactly what he was thinking.
"Hey," he said, putting up his hand to try and stop the inevitable question, "You don't even need to go there. It's not like that. Not even close. She called me…when Mindy first got sick and I…."
Joey felt his stomach lurch. "Sick? She's sick?"
He reached up, placing his hand on his shoulder. "She's got asthma..real bad. Like you did when you were little….It's just more dangerous for a baby…you know, they can't tell you when they can't breathe and you have to be real careful…make sure they're always breathing alright and everything, but Kelly's been great. She just…she worries, you know?"
Joey lowered his head. He could only imagine how much she worried. He had never even seen his own daughter and he already worried. The thought of Kelly holding her in her arms as she struggled to breathe—it must be terrifying for her. "Is she….Kelly…I mean…does she have anyone to…you know help her?"
Kevin couldn't help but smile. The hidden question within Joey's question was obvious. Was Kelly seeing anyone? He considered Michael for a moment.
In truth, he didn't really know what Michael was to Kelly. A few months ago, he would have written him off as nothing more than her favorite pediatrician at the local hospital, but now…he'd been spending more and more time visiting Mindy, making house calls, and sending flowers to Kelly when Mindy had been hospitalized last month. He'd even come by the house once to find him over with dinner. Kelly had explained that Michael simply dropped over with some leftovers that he'd made, but Kevin swore he'd detected something more than a professional or even a friendly courtesy.
"Not that I know of," Kevin finally said, deciding to let Kelly make her own announcements if there was one to be made. "I know she'll be really happy to see you."
"I hope so," Joey sighed. "I hate that she thought I didn't care…that I didn't even call or respond or anything. God…how could she think that, Kevin?"
Kevin shook his head. "I think she had to prepare herself for that possibility before she ever even sent the letter, Joey. She knew you were with Aubrey when she left. That's why she left…and she knew why. She had to know how important it was to you to keep Ryder and Jessica safe. In her mind, you were keeping your family safe. She's always known how important your family was to you. Her family was always important to her too….that was part of the reason you two butted heads so much, remember?"
Joey nodded and slightly smiled. "Yeah, I remember. Now, we have a family of our own. I just wish I'd know about it from the start."
"Well, you know now," Kevin said as he slapped his brother on the back. "Time to start making up for some lost time, little brother."
So, how is she, really?" Joey asked, breaking the silence on the drive out to her house.
Kevin glanced over at him. "She's ok…She's really good with her, but sometimes it gets to her. Somebody that didn't know her so well probably wouldn't notice, but I can tell. That look she gets…like she's somewhere really far away."
Joey nodded. He knew that look all too well. "But physically, she's ok…I mean, she didn't have any problems, with the pregnancy?"
Kevin sighed. "You're gonna have to ask Kelly about that, man. I didn't even know she was pregnant. She called me when Mindy was in the hospital for the first time."
Joey's heart fell. It was bad enough when he'd realized that he hadn't been here for Kelly through the pregnancy and the birth and through Mindy's first few months, but it had brought him some comfort to know that his brother had been able to help. Knowing that she'd gone through a large part of it totally alone had to have been horrible for her.
"Look, Joey. You can't change the past." Kevin glanced over at him, clearly seeing that Joey was laying on the guilt trip pretty thick. "I know you wish you had been here. I wish you had been too, but there's nothing you can do about that now. The only thing you can change is what happens from this minute on…and that's what you're doing."
Joey nodded. "I've got to make this up to her, Kev. I've got to make her understand why I wasn't here."
"You will," Kevin nodded. "If I know one thing for sure it's that Kelly still misses you. She still wishes you were here with her."
He looked up then, hope returning to him. "You think?"
"Hey," Kevin said, supportively, "I know that. I can see it every time she looks in that little girl's face. She told me that sometimes she swears she's looking right into your eyes when she looks into hers. That little girl reminds her of you every day."
Joey shook his head. "So every day she looks at her and thinks of me and the fact that I'm not here…that she thinks I don't care enough to even call. What am I going to say to her? How am I going to make her understand?"
Kevin sighed as he slowly turned the key in the ignition. "You better come up with something pretty quick," he said, squeezing his brother's shoulder. "We're here."
You go first," Joey said, feeling as if he were glued to the passenger seat.
"Seriously?" Kevin asked, looking over at his brother. "You're really going to chicken out now?"
"No…No…I'm not chickening out. It's just…I mean. Kelly is in there with my daughter and if I just walk up and knock on the door…." Joey tried to envision the scene.
Kevin thought for a moment. Joey might have a point. It might be good to have a bit of a buffer. He could go in, let her know that he'd talked with Joey…let her know he was here.
"Alright..Alright…I'll go. I'll go in and tell her that you're here, but the rest…the rest is all you, my man."
Joey nodded as he took a deep breath and watched his brother walk up the driveway. She said a silent prayer, hoping that Kelly was in a forgiving mood today.
His breath caught as he watched the door open. It was a just a glimpse, but it was more of her than he'd seen in months and the mere sight of her made his breath catch in his throat. God he'd missed her…more than he'd even realized.
"Kevin," Kelly said, with a smile, surprised to see him standing there. He rarely stopped by unannounced, especially after Mindy had been sick. "Mindy's sleeping. You did get the message that she was being released, right?"
"Yeah, Yeah..I did," Kevin nodded. "That's not why I came by. Look, can I come in for a minute?"
Kelly stood there for a moment confused. "Uh, sure…" Kevin moved to step inside as Kelly whirled around. Her mouth was dry as her heartbeat echoed in her head. "Is it Zane?! Is something wrong with Zane?" The fear overwhelmed her and she felt as if she might fall over.
"No…No.." Kevin said, reaching out to steady her. "It's nothing like that. Zane is fine. I just talked with him this morning actually. His group arrived in Rome this morning."
Kelly let out a sigh. "Thank God." She looked up at Kevin. "Sorry," she admitted, blushing a bit. "I didn't mean to freak out on you like that. I just…I guess with everything that's been going on with Mindy lately, I've been a little bit on edge."
"It's ok…no need to apologize," Kevin said, laying a supportive hand on her shoulder, "Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that actually."
"About what?" Kelly asked confused.
"About Joey," Kevin said, watching her eyes as he said his name.
Her expression changed almost immediately. Her eyes glistened with the possibility of tears and Kevin could tell immediately that her feelings were still very raw where Joey was concerned.
"Look, Kevin. We've already talked about this. I told you that I would tell Joey just as soon as things calm down with Mindy. Right now…I just can't. I can't handle any more upheaval in my life. I wrote him a letter. I gave him a chance to be involved and he made his choice. I have to accept that. I have to accept that fact that he chose another life..a life that didn't involve me or his daughter."
"What if he didn't make that choice?" Kevin asked quietly.
"What do you mean? I was very clear in the letter, Kevin. There wasn't a possibility for a misunderstanding. I told him to call you…that you could get in touch with me. You knew I where I was staying. You knew how to contact me."
"Yeah, I knew…you just neglected to tell me that you were pregnant," Kevin said quietly.
"I knew you'd give him hell," Kelly said with a smile. "I didn't want to put you in the middle of our stuff. It was enough that I knew you were here if I needed someone..and you were."
"He would have been too," Kevin said quietly.
"I don't understand," she said, her eyes full of confusion.
"The letter that you sent," Kevin said, watching her carefully as she took a seat across from him. "He never got it."
Kelly was silent for a moment.
Kevin continued. "Actually..he did get it, but he found it a few days ago…when he was cleaning out a drawer…Aubrey had stuffed it in there under some old papers."
"He…He…didn't get the letter," she stammered, tears filling her eyes.
"As soon as he found it, he called me, "Kevin said quietly. "He was desperate to get in touch with you…to find you…to see you."
Kelly could feel her hands shaking. This was all so much..too much to handle. She couldn't believe it. Joey hadn't known the truth…he'd just found out days ago. He hadn't deserted her. He hadn't made another choice. He didn't know. The thoughts flew through her mind, one right after the other, until nothing made sense anymore.
"If he wants to see me," she managed to speak through her tears, "then where is he? Why isn't he here?"
"I am," a voice said from the doorway.
Kelly didn't move. She didn't need to. She'd know that voice anywhere. That was the voice that came to her in her dreams. The voice that had whispered to her so many times, the voice that she'd longed to hear since the moment she'd heard it last.
"I'm here now," Joey said as he closed the door behind him and slowly walked over to her. Gently touching her shoulders, he turned her around to face him. "Please tell me it's not too late."
"I'm just gonna be in here," Kevin muttered quietly allowing his voice to trail off as he realized neither Kelly nor Joey was paying him any attention. It was as if time had stopped the moment Joey spoke and they both were suspended in the moment…neither of them sure of what to say or what to do.
It was Kelly that finally broke the silence. "We should uh…why don't we sit?" She wasn't being polite necessarily, but she truly worried she might fall over from the sheer shock of his presence if she didn't sit soon. As she led him into the living room her brain filled with things she'd thought she would say. So many times she'd thought about what she would do when she saw him, and now, here he was…right in front of her and nothing seemed right.
"Kel," he whispered, touching her arm gently. "I want to explain."
Kelly shook her head as she searched for her voice. "Kevin….Kevin said you didn't get it…the letter…you didn't get it." She ran her hand over her mouth slowly as if she could somehow wipe away the shock that had overwhelmed her ability to speak and think clearly.
"I just found it. I was cleaning out some drawers and it was stuffed into the back…like it was hidden. Aubrey must have…" He stopped to check Kelly's reaction, aware that she was still processing the fact that he was sitting in front of her.
"Is she? I mean, are you still…" Though the question sounded shallow, it was one that ate at her day after day…night after night and she had to know.
"No," Joey answered quickly. "She's gone. She's completely out of the picture. She's been gone for a while and Kelly," he reached over to touch her hand, happy that she didn't pull away, "If I'd known…If I'd had any idea that you were still willing to give us a chance…I would have been here in a second. And if I'd known about the…" His voice broke then as he cleared his throat and attempted to continue.
She knew he was being honest with her, she could sense that from the moment he'd said the first words to her.
"The baby," she said softly… "Our daughter."
Joey smiled at the words."…Mindy? That's what Kevin said, right?"
Kelly nodded, not completely trusting her own voice at the moment as she saw Joey's eyes rest on a picture at the far end of the coffee table. She leaned forward to pick it up and hand it to him.
"This was taken about a month ago. She had just started smiling and this was one of her first real smiles. She loves to lie on this blanket and stare up at the ceiling fan," she said quietly with a smile as she looked up at Joey.
He took a shaky breath as he held the picture in his hand. He had already missed so much. He couldn't miss any more. "Can I see her?" he asked his voice raspy with emotion.
Kelly nodded her own eyes already burning with the emergence of tears. "She's sleeping, but I think I can wake her up for this," she smiled.
She motioned for Joey to follow her into the room. As he stared into the bassinet at the far end of the room, he saw the little girl.
Everything about her was perfect, and he was helpless to stop the tears from pouring from his eyes.
Kelly had long since given up keeping her emotions in check and she let out a small laugh when she sensed a presence behind her and turned to see Kevin's hand holding a box of tissues.
"You two look like you could use these," he said quietly.
Three Years Later
The day couldn't get any more perfect, she thought as she carefully spread the checkered blanket out over the lawn. Hearing Mindy's joyful giggles made her smile as she arranged the food and weighted the corners to guard against the small bursts of wind that brought just enough relief to the summer heat.
Joey smiled as he saw her walking towards them.
"You two ready to eat?" she asked, smiling as she felt his arm wrap around her.
Mindy nodded as she slid off the swing. "Daddy can swing me after?" Her wide blue eyes were almost impossible to resist.
"Of course," Kelly smiled, following behind her as she ran towards the blanket. Sometimes she honestly couldn't believe how perfect her life had turned out. It was as if ever dream she'd ever had had come true…right before her eyes.
"What are you smiling about," Joey asked, touching her face lightly to bring her back from her thoughts.
"I was just thinking," she sighed…"About what a beautiful day it is…about how lucky we are to be here…together…after everything that happened."
Joey nodded. "I know." He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead as he watched Mindy dig as she held up the lone crust-less sandwich she'd found after her search through the picnic basket.
"I just hate that I missed out on so much," he sighed.
"You're here now," she smiled, leaning up to kiss him. Taking his hand in his, she brought it down to her slightly swollen belly. "And you'll be here for this one…you'll be here from the start."
Joey brought her hand to his lips, softly kissing it. "That's a promise."