The Thoughts Left Behind

By Adalanta

Disclaimer: All the characters in this story belong to whoever owns the rights to "Mutant X", and that's not me.

Author's Note: I know this has been done before (several times, in fact), but after I saw the show…well, I couldn't help myself. I don't normally write in first person (I find it awkward) but this just came upon me. Please, let me know what you think by leaving a quick review or emailing me at adalanta14@yahoo.com. Thanks.

***************************

I couldn't take it.

The surprise. The pain. The fear. All of those emotions covered his face and filled his wide blue eyes. And as if seeing it wasn't enough…I had to feel it as well.

I only did it to help – to save us. If I hadn't sent that mental burst…I don't know where we'd be right now. Definitely not here in Sanctuary, sitting around on the couches, watching the CNN coverage of the war in Kovakhstan. At the very least, we'd be trapped in some wrought-iron cage, surrounded by our captors.

Or we could be dead.

There was no way I could've held them back once they'd gotten within sight. It would only have taken one stubborn minded soldier to get off a couple of shots, and it all would have been over. I know Jesse would have fought as hard as he could, but he'd have exhausted himself in time, and then…

So, you see, I had to do it.

I had to send out that wave of fear, to terrify the soldiers and make them panic. I had to buy us some more time. I knew that it would affect Jesse; I couldn't avoid him. And, I have to admit that, deep in my heart, I wanted just the slightest bit of revenge for those…um, intimate thoughts from earlier that I'd picked up. Like I said, that's not the way to think about a friend and partner, no matter how flattering he was.

But I never imagined that it would affect him so badly. The residual traces of the fear I'd broadcast was still lingering in his mind when he glanced up at me from the forest floor, but that wasn't what bothered me and made me do – what I did.

What hurt the most was the overwhelming fear that he radiated, not just for what I had done…but that I had the ability to do it.

He looked up and stared at me with the eyes of a complete stranger. It was like, for one long moment, I had ceased to be Emma, fellow teammate in Mutant X, and was instead a rogue psionic, unknown, untried – and feared purely because of my abilities. I had become a New Mutant – a danger to both Jesse and the team.

And it hurt. That all-consuming fear shocked me to my very soul. It felt like my heart was being ripped apart, causing a red hot flash of agony to course through my body. My heart cried out at the unfairness of the situation, of life itself. I felt betrayed.

And I panicked.

I know that now. I should have tried to talk him out of his fear. I should have sent waves of mental reassurances to him to help calm him. I should have…

I should have. But I didn't.

I panicked. I invaded his mind and forcefully buried the memory of what had just happened so deeply that he'll never remember what actually happened. I guess you could say I wiped the sleight clean.

I justified it to myself at the time. I was using my powers to keep Jesse going, to enable him to use his electronic skills to get the Helix back on line. He couldn't work the way he was – his mind practically paralyzed with fear. It seemed so simple…just make him forget. It seemed like the right thing to do at that time and place. But now…

I couldn't take it then. The fear in his eyes – the fear of me.

I can't take it now. The thought of what I did to him leaves me cringing inside. I want to make everything that happened in Kovakhstan go away. Oh, how ironic. After all, that same exact thought was what started this whole mess in the first place.

I know I need to tell him. I need to confess what I did. I just don't know if I can.

What can I say? How can I tell my partner – my friend – that I wiped his memory? He'll never trust me again. And who can blame him? If our places had been reversed, would he have done the same thing? Would he have used his own powers for so petty a reason? No, I don't think so. Jesse would never do that.

Well, there'll never be a good time, I guess. I might as well do it now.

"Jesse? Could I talk to you?"