"Jacked Up"

Disclaimer: I do not own 'Xiaolin Showdown' in any way.

Warning: The following fan-fic is probably the most random and dumb story you'll ever get out of me. The amount of chapters there will be are unknown. But know this: it is action-packed/random/dumb/honorable/sexy/daring/fantastic/incredible/romantic/glorious/dramatic/graphic ... seedy/glamourous/sad/happy/raunchy/steamy/kiddy/pitiful/pathetic/glittery/etc. This is actually just the second, third, a little fourth, eleventh, twelfth, sixteenth, and twenty-one … th.

Open on a rainforest. Day. Clay and Jack are competing in a showdown over the latest Shen-Gong-Wu, the Altered Orb. It's Clay's Falcon's Eye against Jack's Jet Bootsu. The game is hide-and-seek. Clay and Jack head in opposite directions searching for the Orb. Omi, Raimundo, Kimiko, Dojo and Wuya watch from nearby.

Jack uses his Jet Bootsu to hover and look for the Orb in the trees. Clay, meanwhile, uses his Falcon's Eye to quickly scour the rainforest.

"Come on, Clay! You can do it!" Kimiko yells.

"Go, Jack! Faster!" Wuya yells.

"This Wu's in the bag. There's no way Jack can win against Clay's Falcon's Eye," Raimundo says to Kimiko. Omi turns to Dojo.

"Dojo, what exactly does the Altered Orb do?"

"Well, let me pull out the 'ol Shen-Gong-Wu scroll here and … Ah. Here it is. "The Altered Orb - it gives its user the ability to shape shift." So, uh, basically, it does what I already can do," Dojo says.

Back with the showdown, Jack continues to look high up into trees, certain he'll find the Orb there. Jack spots a nest with three eggs in it tucked in-between two short branches. He lifts one egg up to look under.
"This stupid Orb is so tiny, it could be anywhere!"

Back on the ground, Clay uses the Falcon's Eye again and spins around, but has no luck finding the Wu.

"Look under that big rock down there, Jack! You're so pre-occupied with the trees; you haven't even tried looking anywhere else!" Wuya yells.

Clay hears this and turns to the big rock Wuya was pointing out.

"Falcon's Eye!" He shines the Eye on the rock, immediately seeing the Altered Orb under it! Clay smiles and turns to Wuya. "Thank you kindly!"

Jack opens his mouth in shock and glares at Wuya. He drops the egg, opens his heli-bot, and turns it upside-down, so that it'll make him fly fast. He spirals down and swoops by Clay, who is running towards the Orb. Jack snickers and lands right in front of the big rock. He puts his hands underneath the rock and struggles to lift it as Clay gets closer.

"Hurry, Clay! Jack is close to winning the Shen-Gong-Wu!" Omi yells.

Jack turns his heli-bot back on, which is still upside-down, to help him lift the heavy rock. However, his back cracks. Clay arrives and shoves Jack into the rock, which causes the evil boy genius to fall down. Clay gets his hands underneath the rock and lifts with all his might. He flips the rock over and spots the Altered Orb. Jack slightly raises his head to see Clay grab the Wu.

"Crap."

The rainforest reverts back to normal as Warriors run up to Clay, congratulating him on the win. Jack slowly gets up while holding his hurt back.

"What did I say? I told you guys there was no way Jack was going to win. Even if he had the right Wu to compete with, Jack would still be a little weakling," Raimundo says.

Jack growls at Raimundo and then turns to Clay, noticing the cowboy is tipping his hat to Wuya. Jack opens his mouth in shock again while the Warriors board Dojo and fly away.

Cut to Jack's house. Inside his lair, Jack eats a pudding cup. Wuya flies over by him. Jack doesn't acknowledge her.

"You're mad at me, aren't you?" she asks. Jack ignores her and takes another bite of his pudding. "Well, it wasn't my fault you were looking in all the wrong places for the Altered Orb!"

"So, you just decided to help Clay!" Jack yells.

"Ooh, here we go."

"Exactly whose side are you on, Wuya? I saw Clay tip his hat to you after he won. I mean, what's up with that!" Wuya groaned. "Oh, no."

"What?"

"You … you knew where the Shen-Gong-Wu was all along … didn't you?" Jack asks.

"Why do I get all the idiots?"

"At first, I thought 'no, Wuya couldn't possibly be working with the Xiaolin Warriors', but then it hit me. You … like Clay." Wuya rolled her eyes.

"I'm gettin' a drink." Wuya flies over to the bar counter Jack now has somehow. A Jack-bot dressed in a tux is on the other side of the counter, cleaning a mug. Jack runs over and sits next to Wuya on a bar stool. "Bartender-bot – scotch – lots of it."

"I should've known. Every time you see Clay pull out his lasso, you get excited."

"Leave the bottle."

"It's because of how I look, isn't it, Wuya?" Jack asks.

"Kill me now."

"Well, I'm going to change! For you! No longer will I be the butt of every joke! No longer will I be named 'weakling' or 'loser'! No longer will I fall into the toilet due to not looking to see if the seat is up! No longer will I do –"

"What the hell are you talking about!" Wuya yells while trying to hit Jack even though her arms pass right through him.

"Shh. Be silent. I will go away and return a changed evil boy genius, Wuya! You'll see!" He runs out the lair with arms flailing in the air. Wuya stares at her scotch and then looks up at the Bartender-bot.

"We're getting the locks changed."

Cut to Las Vegas. Jack rolls up in a limousine in front of the Monte Carlo. His eyes open in amazement at how beautiful everything is. He spots a billboard that has a bodybuilder's picture on it saying, "I used to look like you."

"Wow!" He spins around in happiness and runs to the middle of the street. He lifts his arms up in the air and screams "I'm going to make it, world!" just as a bus hits him at 60 MPH.

Jack opens his eyes half-way. He tilts his head to the right and notices he's in a hospital.

"Wow! I'm alive! I don't believe it!" He laughs and then screams "I really am going to make it, wor –" just as he flatlines.

Jack slowly opens his eyes and looks upon the blue sky. He tilts his head and notices he's in a desert in the middle of a long road. He gets up and sees that he's perfectly fine. However, he also notices that he's butt naked. Suddenly, exactly 13 questions started going through Jack's mind.

"What is this? Why am I here? Where am I? Where are my clothes? Why am I not dead? Why the rest of my body tan but my face is white? Do you know the muffin man? When pigs fart, does it smell like bacon? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Can you get cornered in a round room? How come it was called 'The Cosby Show' when Billy Cosby's character was named Heathcliff Huxtible? Who shot Mr. Burns? Where did that extremely strong-looking man standing across from me come from?"

The man was the body-builder from the billboard Jack saw earlier. He was holding a can of 'Super Creatine'. He began to approach Jack, and Jack began to hyperventilate. Perhaps it was because he was stark naked in an extremely hot desert and a body-builder carrying 'Super Creatine' was approaching him in slow motion. The man stopped right in front of Jack and held out the can.

"Drink this and all your problems will vanish."

Jack gasped under his breath and stared at the body-builder, unable to get his eyes off the man for some strange reason. But suddenly, all but one question remained in his mind …

"Why are turds pinched off at the end!"

Cut to black.