Kelly stood outside for a moment. This was, she realized, the first moment alone she'd had since the officers had shown up outside her door. Since that moment, her life had become a flurry of decisions, visitors, whispers, and stares. God, the stares—the stares were the worst. People watched her with some intense curiosity, as if they were waiting for her to fall apart. When she didn't, they'd simply glance at each other and whisper words that she couldn't understand. The muffled sentences were usually followed by nods, polite smiles and pitying eyes, and the eventual departures. They all left eventually. Everyone except Kevin.
Glancing back towards the window, she could see him inside now, putting away more containers of food. She knew he was hurting. He and Joey had been more than just brothers…they were best friends. At one time, she'd simply hoped they'd still be speaking, and if they hadn't salvaged their relationship, she would have lived with knowing she'd been the one to cost them that bond.
Even after things ended with Kevin, and she and Joey remarried, Kevin truly seemed happy for them. Joey, he'd said, was the man she was meant to be with. Even now, days later, it seemed hard to fathom that she would never again be with him. She'd never look into his eyes, she'd never fall into his arms, she'd never hear him softly whisper her name as only he could.
"Mommy," a little voice called to her from the kitchen.
Kelly turned, her heart literally aching when she turned to see Sydney standing in the doorway. "Hey baby," she said, softly, kneeling down and extending her arms to bring the little girl closer to her. "I thought you were taking a nap."
"Where's Daddy?" she softly cried laying her head on her mother's shoulder.
Kelly closed her eyes as she carefully lifted her off the floor and walked back into the kitchen. Her eyes met Kevin's as she passed him. She sat her on the counter, staring into her wide eyes.
"Baby, remember I told you earlier that Daddy was in an accident in a car?"
Sydney nodded.
Kelly swallowed hard, forcing herself to continue. Telling her nearly three-year-old daughter that her father wouldn't be coming home wasn't any easier the fourth time than it had been the first three. The grief counselor that had stopped by earlier had warned her about this. Young children often have to hear the story several times before it truly becomes a reality to them, and even then they may not fully understand the concept, she'd explained. Kelly remembered how close she'd come to screaming at that moment. She didn't understand either, and she sure as hell wished someone would explain it to her.
"Sydney, Daddy was hurt really bad. He went to heaven and he won't be coming home anymore."
Kevin closed his eyes as he heard the questions from Sydney begin again. How he wished there was someone that could answer his questions. Kelly and Joey were happy—really happy. They were married with two beautiful, healthy kids. Kelly had a job that she loved at the Sun and Joey was working hard building his career at the Banner. Everything was finally beginning to work out for them, and now this….and for what-What was He thinking? What was the big plan here? Where was God in this? If Joey were here, he'd have an answer, but he wasn't. He was gone and he was never coming back.
She pulled her knees tighter against her chest as she sat there. Even in the darkness, she could still make out the faint outline of the door. Somehow, she still expected it to open. She still expected him to walk through it…to explain to her that this had all been some terrible dream, to take her in his arms, the way he always had, and promise her that he'd make everything ok again.
The warm wet tears that streamed down her face reminded her of the all too honest reality she was faced with. Her husband, a man she'd loved for almost as long as she'd known what the word really meant, was gone. She was a widow…a widow with two children, both of whom adored their Daddy and who couldn't understand why he wasn't coming home. They had questions, questions she couldn't answer…mainly because they were the same ones that she herself had.
"Kelly?" Kevin's voice made her jump as he slowly approached her. "What are you doing in here? I thought you were sleeping?"
She turned to look back at him. One look affirmed her suspicions. He'd not been sleeping either. He'd been doing just what she'd been doing before she'd finally surrendered and retreated to the den.
"I couldn't sleep," she said softly. "Every time I closed my eyes," she began, feeling her throat begin to tighten even as she allowed the words to pass through her mind.
He reached out to her, putting his arm around her shoulders. "I know," he whispered. "Me too."
"The kids," she moved to stand, looking for the next distraction, something…anything to keep from completely falling apart.
He caught her hand. "They're fine. I just peeked in on them. Sydney is curled up with his t-shirt again and I think Burke finally just gave in. That kid was just exhausted."
Kelly sighed. Kevin had been trying to get her to talk to him for days. With everyone huddled around her, she'd been able to fend him off, but tonight she seemed to be cornered. Joey always told her that talking was a good thing, that being honest about her feelings would make things better, but that only seemed to work when he was around to hear them. He was the only person that ever really understood her and now…..now everything was different.
"I don't know what to do for them. Sydney keeps asking over and over when he's coming home. It's like she can't accept the fact that he's gone." She looked up at Kevin, her eyes glazing over with tears.
"What do I say to her Kevin? How do I explain something to her that I can't explain to myself? I'm sitting here staring at a door, waiting for my husband to walk through it."
Kevin shook his head as he felt her back begin to shake. He closed his eyes, praying for words, for answers, for anything. "I don't know, Kel….I wish to God I did."
"I know he's gone in here." She stopped, pointing to her head, "But in here, in my heart, I can't believe it. I can't let him go. We were so happy, Kevin. We were finally happy."
"I know," he said softly. He'd never in his life felt so utterly and completely helpless. Kelly was falling apart right in front of him and there wasn't a damn thing he could do or say to help her.
"Do you know that he called me before he left the office?" she managed in between sobs, her voice strained. "Did you know that? The reason he was on that road…it was because of me. I told him to hurry home. I asked him to come. I told him that we missed him…that I had made a special dinner. I wanted him home for a stupid dinner!"
Her breathing came in ragged spurts as the tears streamed down her face. She could feel her heart racing and she felt her skin growing hotter.
Kevin felt his own tears begin to fall as he reached out to her, pulling her shaking body close to his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight as he gently rocked her back and forth. "It's gonna be ok," he whispered. "I don't know how, but it's gonna be ok."
She struggled against his arms for a moment, not feeling worthy of comfort. "It won't," she cried. "Nothing will ever ever be ok again." She gave in, relaxing against his chest and allowing his arms to cradle her as she cried. "Why did he leave me here alone?"
Kevin shook his head as he listened to her muffled sobs. "You are not alone, Kelly. That's one thing I can promise you. You are never, ever going to be alone."
Kevin carefully closed the book and eased up off the side of the bed, careful not to disturb Sydney. He smiled at her as she lay there, her eyes closed, her lips curved into a small, slight smile, her small fist wrapped tightly around Joey's t-shirt.
He felt the familiar lump rise in his throat. She took that t-shirt everywhere, and had since the moment Kelly had told her that Joey wouldn't be coming home.
He sat down on the small bench in the narrow hallway, leaning his head against the wall. He remembered the day that Joey had called him to tell him about Sydney. He couldn't have been more excited if he had won the lottery. When he'd come down a few months later for a visit, Joey was already in full Daddy mode. He doted on Kelly, waited on her hand and foot, and took every opportunity to tell everyone, even perfect strangers, that he was going to be a Dad.
Burke was a bit of a surprise to everyone, but Joey couldn't have been more thrilled. Joey had confided in him that Kelly had been worried about telling him because they hadn't planned it…at least not so soon after Sydney, but he'd told her that he loved that she always surprised him.
Those kids were his world, and they thought he hung the moon. Now, they had lost their father, he sighed closing his eyes tightly, hoping to keep the tears at bay. He just had to make sure they didn't lose their Mother too.
Kevin walked through the kitchen, following the dim ray of light that filtered in from the porch.
"Kel," he said softly, "What are you doing out there?"
He stepped outside, immediately bringing his hands up to cover his bare arms. Even in April, the evenings were still chilly. "Aren't you cold?" he asked her, looking at her camisole tank and pajama bottoms.
She stood silent.
"Kelly," he tried again, this time, reaching out and touching her shoulder gently. "Let's go inside where it's warmer….We can talk. I'll make us some tea."
"I don't want any." Her voice was cold and distant. Her eyes were fixed somewhere far off in the distant. Kevin tried to follow her gaze, but he couldn't find what she seemed so fixated on.
"Kel," he whispered, "You can't…"
"Don't tell me what I can't do." She didn't scream or yell. She didn't even raise her voice. She simply spoke, her words definite and firm.
This wasn't Kelly, or at least not the Kelly he knew. If there was one thing you could always be sure of, it was knowing where Kelly Cramer stood. You might not like it, you might not agree with it, but you never, ever had to question it. Emoting was her strong suit. Shutting down—well, this just wasn't something he was accustomed to. Shutting down was his specialty.
"So what?" he asked, pushing his way in front of her. "What do you plan on doing out here, huh? You gonna stay out here for the rest of your life? Just ignore your life, ignore the people that care about you, ignore the world that's still here? You gonna ignore your children?"
Her eyes sprang to attention when he mentioned the word children. "Are they ok?" she asked, her voice quivering.
Kevin sighed. He reached out, taking her hand. "They're fine. They're sleeping. Look, Kelly. I know you're hurting. I know this is hell for you, but you can't just shut down. You can't just decide to retreat into some black hole and never come out again. Your kids need you. Your family needs you." He paused looking at her, his own eyes beginning to fill with tears. "I need you."
"Here." He held the cup out towards her as he slowly took a seat on the couch. Softly, he covered her hands in his, trying to stop the shaking, the steaming liquid creeping closer and closer to the lip of the cup with each twitch of her hand.
She looked over at him, her wide, green eyes as sad as he'd ever seen them. "I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do this," she whispered, pushing the cup back into his hands.
He nodded, carefully placing the cup of tea on the table beside them. "I know, sweetie. I'm so sorry." Dropping his head, he stared at the floor. The words sounded so empty and yet, they were all he had. There wasn't anything he could say to help her. There was nothing he could do to take away the pain she was feeling. He hated feeling so helpless.
"If there's anything I can do, you just tell me….I'll do it, I swear to you. I'll do anything I can to help you…to make this easier."
"Bring him back," she said quietly, not looking at him as the words fell from her lips.
His heart ached as the words echoed in his mind. She was right. He kept asking her over and over again…he almost begged her to give him something to do—something that would make him feel better, something that would make him feel useful, and yet the only thing that would help…the only thing that would make her better was if he could bring him back.
"I would if I could, Kel. God knows, I would have gone in his place." He felt his eyes begin to burn as the tears began to flow.
It was her turn to feel badly now. Kevin had been here—every second of every day since the minute she'd called him. She'd phoned, and not even been able to get the words out, but somehow he'd known….known it was serious enough for him to come and he did…he was the first one to get there and as he held her in his arms, she felt a little less alone. If anyone understood how much Joey meant to her, it was Kevin and if anyone was hurting anywhere near as much as she was, it was the man sitting next to her tonight. It was obvious how much he wanted to help…how desperately he wanted to make the hurt go away, and she didn't want to hurt him…she never wanted that.
"I'm just so angry," she said quietly, as if saying it made it true. For the past few days, she'd been struggling to admit the anger. It wasn't that she was ashamed of it, but she'd wondered if it should be the emotion at the forefront. Shouldn't she be more devastated? Shouldn't she be more distraught? Instead she felt like ripping someone apart.
"I'm angry at myself for rushing him home. I'm angry at him for rushing. I'm angry at God for taking him away from me….I'm just so damn angry." She covered her face with her hands. How was she supposed to be a loving, supportive mother when all she wanted to do was stand outside and scream? How was she supposed to be strong and keep it together when she felt as if her whole world was falling apart.
"What about me?" Kevin looked at her, watching her eyes glance up at him in surprise. "You aren't angry with me?"
"Of course not," she softly replied. "Why would you ask me that?"
Kevin took in a deep breath. How could she not be angry with him? He was sure angry at himself. The thought had to have crossed her mind. How many years had they lost together? How many more memories could have been made? "All that time that you missed….all those years that you wasted with me." He looked away quickly, too ashamed to even meet her gaze. "I know how difficult it must be for you to know that you were with the wrong man."
"Kevin." She reached out, taking his hand in hers and bringing it closer to her. "I've never regretted our time together. And you were never a mistake. Yes, I hate that things ended the way that they did and yes, they probably didn't start under the best of circumstances, but the time I spent with you is something that I'll always cherish. It certainly isn't something I regret."
His eyes softened as he stared at her. "Thanks for saying that. I just hope…" He stopped, allowing his voice to trail off. Nothing good could come of bringing this up now. As he thought about it, he couldn't think of one good reason that he had brought it up.
"What?" She blinked as she watched him, his eyes betraying the conflict within. "You hope what?"
Kevin sighed, looking back at her. "I hope that Joey forgave me for what I did. Lying to him that way and stealing the woman that loved. I hope that he knew how much I loved him and how much I respected him."
"Your brother loved you, Kevin. He forgave you for that. He forgave both of us. I think the important thing now is that the two of us have to forgive ourselves."
Kevin nodded. "You're probably right," he said quietly. "You know, I think this is kind of backwards." He smiled slightly, grateful when she smiled slightly in return. "I'm supposed to be helping you, not the other way around. "
"I never mind helping you," Kelly said softly, "Besides, your brother loved you and the two of you were almost inseparable. Spending time with you makes me feel closer to him….almost like he's not really gone."
"I'm just glad I can help," he whispered, scooting closer to her and wrapping his arm around her shoulders. He pulled the afghan from the back of the couch, draping it across both of them. They had both lost someone special, but tonight they remembered how much they still had left.