A letter from Arl Howe had just arrived.
Loghain leaned on his desk, rereading every single word while he rethought his strategy. The man was ready…it was not too late to drop this thing whole together and…there was no and, there were no other alternatives, the young king would never listen to him…for him he was just an old stern veteran who represented all the vices of an old ideology an obstacle in the way of progress and peace…him and his barren daughter…there was no other solution…
"My lord, you wanted to see me?" Kallian interrupted him.
He raised his head and looked to the young elf. And he strangely felt more at ease…While having regrets was not really his thing, he must admit that he never regretted or doubted the decision he made that one night when he decided to take this girl under his wing, much to Arl Urien's displeasure, her mother was a rabid bitch that had to be put down he told him, why are you bothering to take care of her offspring? But it was coincidence or destiny that put her on his way one fateful night, he saw the little girl gripping her dead mother's gown trying to wake her up, while the assassins were still deciding if they should or not kill the child as well…. He hadn't hesitated one second…it was one of those rare times when his instincts override his reason…and he became her "benefactor and tutor"
"So, you met him?" he asked.
The girl looked away and nodded.
Loghain sighed…if it was not hard enough to find a decent elven husband for her, the girl would found a flaw to each and every suitable candidate…and it irritated him more than it should.
"What is the problem this time?" Loghain said with an obviously annoyed tone...
"I…" Kallian hesitated.
"Don't be afraid, girl, your outspokenness is a much-appreciated trait" Loghain said.
"I don't like… he is too blond" the elf finally said.
Loghain stared at her incredulously for a few seconds, then banged his fist on the desk making her shudder.
"You're trying my patience, elf…not tall enough, his voice is annoying, and now he is too blond? Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a decent and prosperous elf? Those elves you are dismissing like insects are the sons of wealthy and respected freeholders who would have never considered marrying an Alienage's elf if I didn't put my reputation and money on it" Loghain was furious…
"I know my lord, I just don't…" Kallian's tears flowed down her cheeks and she repressed a sob…she never wanted any of them…her heart was already full of someone else so full and ready to burst.
The sight of her tears resorbed his anger…why was he so furious in the first place? It wasn't against her, he was mad at himself, that part of him who felt relief and joy every time the young woman refused a potential husband.
"Listen, Kallien. I can understand that young people had their minds polluted by fabled and romanticized stories about love and glory… every day I meet young men joining my army ready to fight for the promises of honor and glory they had read in some books…there is no honor in war as there is no happiness in that so called love…kallian…forget about those stories, what they call love is nothing but dependence and suffering…to choose the right partner, the perfect match is the key to happiness…You will thank me when you will grow old in your own property, surrounded by healthy children and a respectful partner" Loghain was an eloquent man but he, this time, felt like he was trying to convince himself, strengthening his shaking resolution… his beliefs, he had never felt the urge to confirm them except when the girl he had taken under his protection was standing before him with her delicate body, looking at him with her big, loving eyes…maybe it was mere lust he was feeling for her…he would have perhaps taken her without second thoughts if he wasn't so certain that she was looking for something more than that…
"It is too late, my lord…I am already in love with someone" Kallian whispered, taking a step closer to him "do you want to know, who is the man in my heart, the one who left no place for anyone else?" she took another step before his hypnotized eyes.
"Stop it, girl, don't come any closer and quit babbling nonsenses" he made his voice sound as strict as he looked like. Kallian froze as he ordered her but kept looking at him with this same gaze that could one day make him lose his restraint…she had to wed another man as soon as possible.
"You are going to marry this man, we will discuss the details as soon as I come back from Ostagar" he concluded.
"No" she simply said.
"No?" Loghain frowned…he was not a man to accept easily that anyone would challenge his authority.
"Forgive me, my lord, but if I was to be forced to be with another man it would kill me," Kallian said.
"Blades kill people, child, not marriage" He chuckled.
"Yet I am certain that I would die if another than you would take me…" she finally said it… "I love you…" she whispered lowering her eyes, it was too painful to see his reaction.
"You are not in love with me, Kallian, you are simply confused," he said after a moment of silence. To Kallian's surprise, he sounded more touched than angry.
"after my mother's death, I never felt secure around anyone except you, you are my protector and the protector of this nation…you are a father figure for every Fereldan…and I love you for this as many other do…but this kind of love I started feeling every time I see you, my heart pounding in my chest…Then I understood, I love you like a woman loves a man…I can't say when it has started but when we were informed that Tyerna Celia left us…I cried I had cried so much that the queen thought I had lost my mind…The Teyrna had always been kind to me and I grieved for her but what was the most painful…hope was the most painful thing… harboring the hope that perhaps…you would see me as more than a stray cat you took home with you"
"Enough," his voice was firm and cold as were his features. "You are overstepping your limits, elf…remember who you are addressing and don't dare forget who you are and where you come from" it would be enough to dissuade her from continuing this ridiculous show of affection…he hoped so.
"Forgive me, your grace," she said, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. "you can leave, now," he said.
"I need your permission to go to the Denerim Alienage, my lord," she said with a broken voice.
"you never requested permission to go see your family before," He said suspiciously.
"It's because, this time I am not returning…I am going to live with my kin." Kallian said, watching as Loghain's face twisted with anger.
"you are going nowhere, you stay here"
"I am sorry, my lo…my lord…I would have liked nothing more than to stay near you as a servant or even a slave but to be married and leave you, I would rather go back and live with my father and cousins"
" are you disobeying me, elf?" He threatened
"I have to…I have to, my lord…" she cried. "Unless you throw me in a donjon, I will go back to my Alienage no matter what…" she unwillingly defied him.
"you can go, for now… but it is far from over, Kallian" He would not let her waste the good education he gave her in an Alienage.
Kallian smiled to him through her tears and in a surge of bravery she took a few steps closer and held his gloved hand…he didn't pulled away from her…she brought his hand to her mouth and kissed it "come back safe and victorious from Ostagar" she said before leaving…
Loghain sat in his tent, looking at the map of the area. The coming battle and the strategy he had elaborated, He could see it clearly materializing on the map before his eyes…after all, he was not considered the best strategist in Thedas for nothing.
Someone entered his tent.
"Your grace, his majesty requests your presence in his tent," the young guard said.
Loghain sighed and dismissed the boy with a gesture. He was doing his best to avoid any further arguments with the young King…anyway, all of this would be over soon.
"Is there any important matter we have not already…" he tried to express his annoyance but the surprise of what he saw in the tent cut him off.
Kallian, wearing a blood stained dress, standing near the Commander of the Grey Wardens… her head lowered in shame as soon as she saw him.
"Kallian, what's the meaning of this?" Loghain asked but the Commander answered him.
"Your grace, this elf I conscripted for the Grey Warden after she Killed the son of Arl Urien and all his friends and guards…while I ignored completely that she was under your protection, his majesty judged it was only right to consult you before."
Loghain stood there staring at Kallian, he didn't seem shocked or angered by what he heard…He already knew Vaughan by reputation and didn't wonder why he got killed…his sharp mind was searching for a way out of this trap.
"I recognized the girl, Loghain and I don't want any animosity to come between the two greatest generals present in Ostagar before the final battle…so do you agree to put her in the hands of the Grey Wardens?"
"Of course not," Loghain said.
Cailin wasn't very surprised… Now he was in such a sensitive position…one of those men would end up losing…Duncan the Commander of the Greys or Loghain the general of the armies of Ferelden…both were important, both were right in their claims…he glanced at the young elf, her sickly pale face and her dirty gown…Duncan had treated her as a prisoner and Loghain won't forgive this…
"Girl, go wait for me in my tent" Loghain ordered…Kallian raised her head and looked at Duncan hesitantly… "I told you to go wait for me inside my tent, don't make me repeat it again," Loghain said with a strict voice…and Kallian was never happier nor quicker to execute his orders.
"Duncan, my friend…this one was not meant to be a grey warden" Cailin said interrupting the heated glares between the two men.
"Your majesty, every recruit is necessary in the times of blight," Duncan said.
"We are not even sure, it is a blight, besides, you already have fierce men, and it's not a skinny elven girl who is going to make the difference…unless you conscripting her was an act of defiance against my person" Loghain said.
"It wasn't you grace" Duncan capitulated.
Kallian rose quickly from the bed she was sitting on when Loghain entered the tent…she waited for him to address her with lowered head and shaking hands….but he didn't even look at her…he went straight to a wooden box near the table, took a bottle and poured himself a drink…
"Did he touch you?" He finally said after his second drink.
"Who? Duncan?" Kallian frowned…oh, he was talking about Vaughan….
Kallian shook her head and said "He was not after me…it was my cousin's Wedding and he…he wanted Shianni….he left me to his guard…I would have killed myself if…but Soris came with swords Duncan gave him and I…we killed them all to the last one…" Kallian said.
"A servant will bring you food, eat and sleep, but never leave this tent, understood?" Loghain said.
Kallian nodded. Now, she knew better than to disobey him.
"Tonight, we will fight the biggest and most decisive battle against the Darkspaws…I will bring you an armor and a pair of daggers, you will join my troops"
"I will fight against those monsters?" Kallain asked, Loghain wouldn't allow her to do this…
"The only safe place for you, girl, is where I can keep an eye on you, so you will be with me" Loghain tried to explain without sounding suspect.
"This is how I also feel…" Kallian smiled to him…the safest place was without doubt by his side.
Loghain ignored her remark and ordered "rest, now"