Killing Animae: The Sailor Moon Way!
Quaxo'
A/N: My friend told me she would kill me if I ever did something like this, but that hair just bugs me so much! PG-13 for some very…*unusual* deaths. (Hee hee…this is supposed to be funny, please don't take this seriously! Flames will be noted and not appreciated.)
***
Bored she was. Very bored. And annoyed. Very annoyed. Being as bored as she was, she had watched some television. Watching the television, she came upon Sailor Moon. Coming upon Sailor Moon, she saw some of the worst hair ever! And not just here! In lots of other shows, too! Being bored and annoyed, a mischievous grin spread across her face. Grabbing a pen and pencil, she quickly wrote down the names of five animae shows. Smiling from ear to ear, she walked to her closet and pulled out a replica sailor scout uniform.
***
"All right! Way to go team!" Sailor Moon was prancing around like her usual ditzy self, her unrealistically long hair flailing around behind her. Grinning idiotically, she leaned up towards Tuxedo Mask preparing to kiss him. Sailor Mars paced impatiently.
"Can we go now?"
"Not so fast, Sailor Brats!" The five girls and one man tuned to see a tall girl in a purple sailor suit pointing at them.
"W…w…who are you?" Serena stammered.
"Me? I am Sailor Can't-stand-your-hair, defender of Truth, Justice, and normal hair-do's. In the name of the Barber, I shall groom you!"
"Oh Yeah!"
"Ooh, witty comeback, Sailor Turd. Who thought that one up; Your hair, or the space between your ears? No no, don't say it; I'm really not that interested. Barber Shear Blast!" Sailor Moon nimbly dodged the many razors that came flying at her while Tuxedo Mask, the other Sailor Scouts, and Mini Moon, who was there for no apparent reason, watched.
"Do you think we should help her?" Sailor Venus wondered out loud.
"Nah. I like seeing Serena take on new enemies."
"No, I mean the new girl. I've been dying to at least trim Serena's hair; she's starting to get split ends." Sailor Mars turned to say something, decided against it, and resumed watching the unusual fight. At the moment, the purple scout had givin up on the razors, and had now engaged in chasing Sailor Moon with a pair of garden shears.
"Stand still you little freak!"
"Never!"
"I'll cut that hair yet!" the mysterious girl screamed as she came within yet another inch of Sailor Moon's insanely long pigtails.
"Ooh, like I haven't heard that before!" The girl in the purple suit stalled, and gave the remaining scouts a look of confusion. The scouts just shrugged.
"You know," started Sailor Jupiter, "She looks like my old boyfriend when she does that." The other scouts gave Jupiter a look, and slowly backed away.
Sailor Moon's hair was defiantly a disadvantage at the moment. She kept tripping on it, and the wind kept blowing it in her face. She finally just gave up.
"Alright! Alright! Just go ahead and cut the dang thing!" The purple scout grew closer with the garden shears, when the hair began to move. It twisted and shook, and began to form a shape over Sailor Moon's head. It formed the shape of a giant mouth.
" Serena!" the hair called. " Do I not mean anything to you Serena? Obviously not, seeing as how you are so quick to get rid of me. But you see Serena, I have already won, for I will no longer have to live with you idiocy. Prepare to die, dumb one!" And with that, the giant hair mouth opened wide and ate Sailor Moon whole. The purple scout glared angrily at the hair.
"Idiot hair! I was supposed to kill her. Me! Me!" At this time, a stupid looking brown haired girl in a pink dress and hat comes wandering out.
"Did someone call me?" she asked in a voice so high it was a miracle that they could hear her, and not just the dogs in the immediate vicinity. The hair turned to the unknown scout.
"How 'bout her. You wanna' kill her?"
The girl pondered that for a moment, then took her gardening shears and hacked her way through the girl's hair. She then removed the girl's hat and ripped it to shreds. The girl in pink screamed."Augh! You killed it! You killed my only life source!" The pink girl then fell down dead.
"Hmm. That was entertaining, but not the same as killing a real scout."
"Well," said the hair, "there's a whole bunch of them over there; why don't you kill one of them?" The girl pondered this, and leapt towards the other scouts.
"You, you, and you; over there." Sailors Mars, Jupiter, and Mercury left the group and stood to the side.
"What are you going to do to us?" asked Sailor Mercury.
"You guys are the cool ones; you can't die. So, I'm going to send you to my cool, out-of-the-way place that is currently drifting through time. Have fun, and tell Puck to be nice!" Almost immediately, the three girls disappeared in a shower of sparkles. The purple girl turned to the remaining scouts and man.
"Now, what should I do with you three?" she asked to no one in particular. Of course, Sailor Venus was so dense, she thought the girl was talking to her.
"Well," she began, "you could let us go." Sailor Can't-stand-your-hair turned to the giant hair mouth.
"You hear that? They want me to let them go!" Both the hair and the girl burst out laughing. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But seriously, no, I don't think I'm going to let you go. M'kay?" She then grabbed that stupid looking red bow from Sailor Venus's head, and shoved it down her throat. As the scout choked, the purple girl thought.
"No, no, choking isn't enough. I got it!" Using her wonderful powers of just being her, the girl pulled out another stupid red bow from the space behind her back. She tied the bow around Venus's neck and pulled until her (Sailor Venus) head snapped off. Her headless corpse fell to the ground. The purple scout kicked the body.
"Hee hee, that was fun. Let's do another one!" she exclaimed as she turned to Tuxedo Mask.
"What did I do?" he asked.
"You could be considered a cool one," the girl began, "but you actually went out with the Hair Formally Known as Serena a.k.a. Sailor Moon."
"I couldn't help it! She's so annoyingly persistent! The only way I could get her to shut up was to go out with her!"
"Well, now that you put it that way, I suppose I could let you live… if you let me erase all memories of the Hair Formally Known as Serena a.k.a. Sailor Moon from your mind."
"Okey-dokey!" The two started to disappear from the area.
"Daddy! NO!" The sound of Sailor Mini-Moon, who was there for no apparent reason, brought them back. The insy weensy scout had begun fading ever since the Hair Formally Known as Serena a.k.a. Sailor Moon had eaten Sailor Moon. Now she was almost gone.
"What do you want!" demanded Tuxedo Mask.
"You're my daddy, Daddy. Don't leave and forget about Mommy,"
" 'Mommy' was eaten by the Hair Formally Known as 'Mommy'."
"Well, if that's what you want," the girl whispered, and continued to fade. The purple scout gasped, grabbed Sailor Pluto, who was also there for no apparent reason, set her hair on fire, grabbed her little staffy thing, and ran it through Mini-Moon's insy weensy body. The insy weensy girl screamed and crumpled into a pile of dust. Tuxedo Mask looked at the purple scout, and they both shrugged. Then they too disappeared in a shower of sparkles.
***
Sailors Mars, Mercury, and Jupiter had been de-transformed for quite a while when Darien and the purple scout appeared. The three girls were watching t.v. with a green-haired sprite. The sprite looked over his shoulder at the purple scout, who had also de-transformed into a normal looking girl.
"Quaxo'!" he hissed. "There are people here! Why are there people here?" Quaxo' sighed.
"Of course there are people here, Puck. These are the cool ones; they can't die." Meanwhile, the four de-transformed teens looked on, wondering how anyone can pronounce an '.
Puck ignored the four and turned to his companion. "I trust the killing went well?" Quaxo' smiled at her muse.
"Yepper-doodles!" she exclaimed, and pulled out the piece of paper with the shows listed on it, crossing "Sailor Moon" off the top. She grabbed the muse by the hand.
"C'mon, Puck! We're a-goin' to the digital world!"