A rewrite of a one-shot. Some changes, because this is now very close to a PRE—SWANQUEEN one-shot. Which is why I labeled it the way I did.
The scene in front of her was something of a nightmare to her, regardless of how she felt about Robin.
He didn't even seem to notice her as he held on tight to his wife—one who'd been dead for years.
Everyone had thought her to be dead because she had been the one to kill her, some thirty years ago.
Regina was hurting though, for a completely different reason than she had ever imagined—and one that she wasn't fond of admitting to.
She turned to Emma, the cause of her pain, with burning eyes. She didn't want to cry in front of the town—she wasn't ready to show them her weakness.
She turned to Emma and for a moment her heart lifted.
"You." Her voice was barely a whisper as Emma turned toward her, and she blinked quickly to make sure no tears were spilled. "You did this?"
She felt guilty—Regina saw it swirling in her green eyes. But she blinked and let her anger take over, because the moment she let other feelings in, she'd break.
She looked down, wringing her hands for a moment. Then she took a deep breath. "I just—I wanted to save her life."
The pain coursing through her, made Regina want to revert back to her old ways—her Evil Queen ways—in a way that she hadn't felt in a long time.
"You're just like your mother—never thinking of consequences." Her throat felt tight and she shook her head, biting her lip to stop from hurting Emma as she was hurting.
How could she trust her now?
Emma huffed and shook her head. "I didn't know."
"Of course you didn't." She needed to get away—the eyes on her made her realize that she was feeling too much in a public place. "Well, you better hope to Hell that you didn't bring anything else back."
She glared at Emma for a moment longer, trying to convey her anger. But mostly, just trying to conceal her breaking heart.
Regina turned on her heels and pulled her coat around her body before she stepped out on the cold air.
"Regina."
She could hear them following her—at least Emma and Henry. They cared, she knew, but she couldn't turn around and let them see her pain.
It was all she could do not to burst into tears as she walked home. She'd left her car at home—Robin wasn't comfortable with cars.
She still wanted to be good for Henry—she still held tight to the promise that she wouldn't use magic for useless things.
Which included magicking home when she could simply walk.
Everyone still expected her to revert to old ways, and everyone watched her closely to make sure that she didn't.
It was cold out, and by the time she had reached the mansion, the cold had seeped into her bones.
She shuddered when even the mansion felt cold.
Everything hurt, but as she closed the door behind her she could finally let go of the feelings that had been fighting for purchase.
She made her way up the stairs with tears running down her cheeks and blurring her vision. She made her way into her bedroom—her safe haven.
It was the only place that no one—except Henry and on occasion Emma—has ever been. The two people she had loved the most.
She shrugged out of her coat and sobbed. Tears fell down onto her hands as she held them to her chest, her head hanging low.
Why did the betrayal hurt so much more than the fact that another happy ending had been ruined?
She still wondered—why couldn't she get her happy ending? Every time she got close to it, it was pulled away. She just wanted so badly to be happy.
Her mind drifted. Why did the people she loved the most, keep hurting her?
If she took a moment—and pushed aside her pain for just a split second—she'd know that Emma had really not meant to hurt me. She had just wanted to help an innocent soul.
She didn't allow herself that moment.
She took off her clothes, and in a moment of pettiness, she clenched her jaw and threw them in the hamper. She wanted to burn them—make sure she could never wear them again because they reminded her of her pain.
In the distance, and most importantly, in the heap of clothing around her feet, she could hear her phone ring. While she wasn't sure she wanted to answer it, she realized that it could very well be Henry.
She never wanted to ignore Henry.
So, against better judgement she kneeled on the floor and grabbed her phone out of the heap of clothes.
She tried to push back a sob and pushed her hand against her chest again to stop the tears. For a moment, she considered just using magic to make her sound better than she felt—but she shook her head.
Not even in private was she willing to break the promise she'd made to Henry—no magic to hurt or conceal.
Emma's name flashed on the screen, and she contemplated not answering. Nothing the blonde could say now would help.
But Henry sometimes called with Emma's phone and she didn't want to risk it. It could be either him or Emma—no one else cared enough for her to want to call.
She choked on another sob before she quickly answered the phone.
"Hello," she said, trying her best to keep the shake out of her voice. She was already hoarse from crying.
"Mom?"
Henry sounded so worried, and it soothed her pain if only for a moment. She closed her eyes as more tears gathered.
"Yes."
"Are you okay?" Henry asked and she took a moment, swallowing past the lump in her throat before she could even think of answering. "Mom?"
She startled, and hummed. "Yes, Henry. I'm fine."
He huffed. "You're not, are you? You promised not to—"
"—I promised not to do magic and I won't." She pushed the heel of her hand against her forehead and a shudder moved through her body. "I just—I need some time alone."
She was still naked.
She was so cold—as if everything lay bare and not just her body.
"Well, I'm coming home."
Regina opened her eyes wide, and shook her head at his vehemence. "Henry—"
"See you later, Mom."
And before she could stop him, the line went dead and she was left with the phone against her ear, wondering when it was that he had actually stopped listening to her.
A sob wracked her body, followed by another as she tried to get to her feet. She didn't want anyone—especially Henry—to find her naked and crying on the floor.
So even though her legs were shaking and hardly felt strong enough to carry her, she finally managed to get up and walk toward her bathroom.
She turned on the shower, and stood shivering as she waited for it to heat up. Her body was numb, but the emotions running through her made the shiver even worse.
She had to pull herself together, for Henry.
When the steam filled the bathroom, she stepped under the hot stream and wiped at her face. Every time she wiped at her face, more tears followed.
She couldn't remember the last time she'd cried in front of anyone. She'd learned a long time ago that no one cared for a crying Queen—not even the King.
But she'd changed. While everyone else had been in a loop—an endless day—she'd been aware and she'd changed.
The only one that seemed to have seen that, was Emma.
And now she felt betrayed by the blonde and she didn't know if she could trust her again. She had never felt more alone than at that moment.
Henry was still her son—he still wanted her to be okay even after how she'd hurt him. She'd done a lot to make him feel like he was crazy.
But he had seen the way she'd tried to make up for it in the past couple of years.
She welcomed the pain of the scalding hot water, gritting her teeth against the burn as she scrubbed herself clean. She welcomed the pain because that meant she was still able to feel something beside her emotional pain.
She could get over it, she was sure of it.
As she was getting dressed, half an hour later, she could hear the front door open and close. Henry was home.
"Mom?" Minutes later, the bedroom door opened, and she could hear him stumble—probably over the clothes she'd left lying around. "Since when do you just leave your clothes lying around like this?"
She chuckled dryly. "I'll be right there."
She glanced in the mirror and startled when she saw the red rimmed, puffy eyes staring back at her. She was pale, and she looked like she was about to burst into tears again.
After a deep breath she turned away from her reflection and opened the door. Henry stood in front of her, hand poised and ready to knock on the door.
She felt more vulnerable than she had ever felt before.
Her throat felt raw—as did her heart—but she did her best to pull that mask up that would hide all her pain.
"Oh." Henry stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me tightly. He didn't try to say anything to ease her pain, and she was grateful for it.
Her throat hurt but she knew she had to say something. "Thank you, sweetheart."
"Ma is here too, but I told her I wanted to have a moment with you alone." Henry pulled back and she shook her head, wiping at the tears that had spilled over again.
"I really don't want to see anyone else."
He nodded his head. "I thought so. She just wanted to make sure that you were okay."
She sighed. "So she's still here?"
She just wanted to crawl into her bed and cry herself to sleep, but she didn't think that would happen anytime soon.
Henry stepped back and looked down at his feet.
"She really is sorry, Mom."
"I know that," she snapped before she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Henry. I—I know she's sorry but I just really—I really wish she'd leave me be for now."
"Do you want me to tell her to go?"
She shook her head and sighed. "No. I'll tell her. Why don't you change—we'll watch a movie here?"
Henry perked up. "In your room?"
She smiled softly. "Yes—go change and then pick a movie. I'll be right back."
Henry grinned and hurried to his room, and she turned and made her way down the stairs and toward her study.
Emma turned when she saw her and she once again pushed back the tears that threatened to spill.
"Swan."
"Regina—I'm so sorry." Emma had cried too. For a moment she wanted to step toward the blonde and comfort her, but she crossed her arms instead.
"You've said that already, and it hasn't changed the fact that your family seems to be intent on taking away my happiness."
Emma opened her mouth, then closed it.
"You're right. I made you unhappy because I brought back Marian. I just—"
She bristled and finally took a step toward Emma. "You think this is about her?"
"Who else—"
"I don't care that you brought her back—not the way you think I care. You betrayed my trust, Emma."
Emma narrowed her eyes and then sighed. "I know. I'm really sorry, Regina. I really am."
She looked down at her feet before she looked back up at the blonde. For the first time since the curse had been broken, she felt as though everything in the universe was against her.
"I'm sure that you are, but right now I can't forgive you. I just—I need some time and I thought you'd understand that."
Emma breathed in deeply before she nodded her head. "Alright, Regina. I'll give you some time."
"Thank you."
It took a moment but then Emma moved, and stepped around her. She stopped then and turned to touch her shoulder before she leaned in and pressed a kiss to her cheek.
"I think—I know why you're hurting and I understand that you don't want me to help. I just—I want you to know I'm here for you for whatever you need, okay?"
She didn't move, even though her heart seemed to soften at the promise. When she was sure that Emma had left, she pushed both of her hands against her face and breathed out.
She then made her way up the stairs and into her room, where Henry had already settled beneath the covers and was skimming through the available movies.
"Hey, sweetheart."
He looked up then and she smiled at him.
"Did she leave already?" He asked before he turned back to the screen. "I thought she would want to stick around."
"I'm sure that was her plan." She slipped under the covers next to him. "I sent her home—I wanted to spend time with you."
He moved toward her and cuddled into her side, surprising her more with the display of affection than she was willing to admit.
"You know it'll be okay, right?"
"You don't know that, sweetheart—but thank you for trying to make me feel better." She wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him even closer.
What she wanted to do was sleep. She had promised him they'd watch a movie together though and she wanted to keep all her promises to him even though she was exhausted.
"So you haven't been using magic, right? Not unless you really need it?"
She tensed and blinked at the tears in her eyes again. "No, I haven't been using magic unless I really need it."
"Would getting us popcorn count as needing it?"
He looked up at her with a grin and she cleared her throat. "If that's what you want."
"Yea, and maybe some hot cocoa?"
She took a deep breath and then nodded her head. She then gathered her magic and used it to create a bedside table, a bowl of popcorn and two mugs of hot cocoa.
"There you go," she whispered as she realized that he had shown her he trusted her with her magic. It made her want to cry all over again for a completely different reason.
She wouldn't let go until she was alone.
He started the movie then, and not long after that his laughter filled her room. It had been a while since she'd heard it, and her heart soared at the sound.
Her eyes drifted closed near the end of the movie and her head lolled back against the headboard.
"I'm going to bed," Henry whispered. "Get comfortable, Mom." She hummed and did as she was told, a soft smile on her face at the worry in his voice.
"Good night, my little prince."
After a moment of shuffling around, turning off the tv and closing the curtains, Henry returned to the side of the bed and pressed a kiss to her cheek.
"Good night, Mom. Call me when you need anything?"
Her chest tightened at the idea that he needed to take care of her, but she was too exhausted to even react to it. She hummed again and listened to his footsteps as he left.
She cuddled into her bed, the covers warm over her as she sighed.
And then the tears returned.
Her head felt heavy and she sniffed, her nose stuffy within seconds. She didn't even know why she was still crying, but she was and she didn't know how to stop it.
She didn't want to admit it.
For a moment she wondered if Robin had even noticed that she'd left the diner, but then she sighed.
It didn't matter.
The people who mattered to her had noticed—even though one of them had been the cause of her pain.
She didn't want to admit it.
But she had to admit that she was hurting because she still didn't stand a chance with Emma.
Emma was too good for her, even after all her hard work to redeem herself. Emma, inherently good, would never lower her standard enough to want to be with her.
She pushed her face deeper into the pillow as she sobbed and sniffed. Nobody had to know that she had cried herself to sleep, if she just made sure that no one heard her.