This is not a tale for the faint of heart, not for people who believe that everything has a happy ending and that when you're at the end of your rope something magical happens and your problems are solved. Throughout life things happen, people happen and when they come they bring some of the greatest memories with them. However, when they leave they tear away those memories, letting them trail behind as they walk away, letting them wrinkle and shatter until suddenly you can't remember them unless it's just a hazy shadow over your thoughts. Jade West and Cat Valentine were in love and that's how it began.
"When I was younger I saw, my Daddy cry and curse at the wind
He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to resemble it"
Absentmindedly Jade played with the edge of Cat's hair, twirling the soft ends in between her fingers. She was mesmerized by the color, the texture, and the way it danced over Cat's shoulders when she moved. Jade loved just simply playing with it, cradling it like it was the last thing she would ever touch.
"And my Momma swore that she would never let herself forget
But that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love,
If it does not exist"
She dropped the red hair and looked over to Cat, who was reading her new magazine without so much as a side glance to Jade. Smirking, the taller girl trailed her finger over Cat's arm, brushing her skin to give her chills. Cat looked down to Jade's affectionate touch and smiled, "you stopped singing." She whispered.
Jade looked up to Cat with warm eyes, something that only the thing red-head could bring out in her. "Did you want me to continue?" Her voice was husky, but it made Cat feel warm. She nodded her head.
"But Darlin'
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception"
Cat set her magazine aside and turned towards the black haired girl. This had becoming something both of them had gotten used to, laying in bed until it was dinnertime with the sun shining through Jade's black curtains. The two girls never once questioned why they did this every weekend it was an unspoken agreement between the two that they needed this. Cat loved spending this time with Jade because it was the only time Jade let down her walls. There always seemed to be a constant ring of hostility surrounding the taller girl and it angered Cat because all she wanted to do was hug her and hold her and tell her she was perfect.
Then there was Jade, boiling with antagonism because she didn't want other people around her unless they were Cat. Jade adore Cat's carefree personality and random sentences, she was the sun in the darkness that was Jade's mind. Jade had a reason to hate the world, her parents never supported her, her Dad was too focused on his new family, and Jade's Mom tried to be there, she smiled and said 'hello!' whenever Jade walked passed, but the bottle was never very far from her. School was almost intolerable because Jade had to hide who she was. Jade loved Cat, Jade loved a girl, Jade was a lesbian. It was never a secret to her, but she crumbled under the pressure of having to hide it for so long.
Cat was the only human being who understood this and so Jade became accustomed to lying in bed with Cat, their fingers intertwined in the darkness or in the light. Jade's finger instinctively met Cat's lips and she traced the outline of them delicately. She loved the soft feel of them on her fingertips almost as much as she loved them on her lips. Cat didn't object, she simply watched with wide eyes how captivated Jade was with her.
It was remarkable how fast things had changed between them. It had only taken one weak day where Jade cried at school, in the bathroom where she thought nobody could see her. Cat had. She'd comforted the other girl and said sweet things to her and Jade was overwhelmed with emotions she'd only ever felt once in her life.
Jade contemplated her sexual orientation for years but it was the slim figure and cute smile of Tori Vega that made her confirm everything. She remembered watching Tori for hour's everyday hoping that maybe she'd get over this feeling, maybe things would get better, but they never did. Tori never noticed. Jade started to pull back and within doing do, she became angry. Angry at Tori, angry at Beck and ultimately herself.
She left Beck, she distanced herself from everybody and that lead to a break down in the washing, which was when Cat stepped in. Jade never really realized it but these feelings she had, for girls in general had to come from somewhere, and it took her awhile but she realized that somewhere was Cat. Jade's feelings had originated with the red head and she knew that now, Tori had seemed interested in Jade and so Jade had levitated towards the brown haired girl. But it was Cat that really made her heart race.
Jade began to rub circles into the back of Cat's hand, letting she get lost in Cat's big brown eyes. "Do you love me?" Cat asked.
At first Jade was surprised by the question, it was silly. Cat knew that Jade loved her … didn't she? Jade spent every weekend curled up beside the red head, holding hands, sharing kisses, and trailing fingers along skin until they knew every inch of each other. "Of course," Jade chuckled, "why?"
Cat looked away, turning onto her back. She traced the cracks in the ceiling with her eyes before she mustered up her answer. "Because sometimes I feel that you might not, and then you'll leave me."
Jade squeezed Cat's hand tighter, letting her know that Jade was there, she was symbolically telling Cat that she would always be there. "Why would I leave you Cat? You are the best thing to happen to me since … well ever."
It seemed so true, but Cat just couldn't believe it, she never really understood why Jade had wanted her, not when she could have Tori, or Beck, or Andre. Tori was so tiny, so, so skinny that sometimes Cat wanted to make herself throw up everything just so she might have a chance to match. And damn was she pretty, model like cheekbones that made everybody stop and stare -why wouldn't Jade want that? Then there was Beck. Charming and handsome Beck that had girls from all over the world swooning with his waterfall hair. Cat used to believe that she liked Beck, but that thought disappeared the minute she realized she only liked him because every other girl seemed to -besides Jade. Last but no least was Andre. He had the voice of an angel, silky like butter running down his throat; he was smart and kind, somebody that had a good head on his shoulders and a great future. Why would Jade want her when she could have them?
"How?" Cat's voice broke as she spoke. She wasn't even sure as to why it hurt her so much. She knew that Jade loved her, why would Jade be here if she didn't? But it was those days that Jade pretended that she hated her, when they made slap videos of them fighting or not getting along just so nobody would suspect anything. Perhaps it was when Cat caught Jade staring at Tori or Beck or Andre or Robbie or anybody really.
Jade's heart stopped for a moment when her ears were shattered by Cat's breaking voice. She sat up and looked down to her girlfriend, taking in every sad emotion she had trembling inside of her eyes. "Cat, I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you."
"But that doesn't mean you don't love somebody more." Cat followed Jade's lead and sat up, pulling slightly away from the dark haired enchantress. That's really what Jade was. A girl who had the ability to lure you in and sunk a hook right through your heart. You didn't notice until it was too late of course, but at that point you didn't want to leave anyways. So she always won.
Jade shook her head, "Listen to me okay, I love you and you just can't, not think that. Sure Tori is pretty but Cat-"
"No." Cat didn't pretend her eyes weren't filled with tears, that her heart wasn't being blown to oblivion with every loving word Jade sent Tori's direction. "That's all I need to hear." In lightening speed Cat leaped off the bed and ran out of the room.
Jade wanted to chase her girlfriend. She wanted to smell the familiar vanilla scent Cat seemed to drag around with her. To run her fingers through those soft red locks and caress them across her cheek, taking in the way they ran across her skin. She wanted to wrap her arms around the smaller girl and cradle her because she was so tiny, so small and innocent that it made Jade cringe as she thought of all the monsters that were waiting to hurt Cat. But it was the abominable pain in her chest that kept her frozen in place.
She started to mutter encouragement to herself, to let herself know that it would all be alright and that Cat would be at school on Monday and Jade could explain. Could explain that she might think Tori is pretty but Cat was incandescent, stunning, the most beautiful thing to walk this Earth.
And Cat would have to listen, to understand.
Everything would be just fine on Monday.
-o-
The school looked lifeless as Jade strolled inside. The halls were crowded as usual with the reckless noise of a thousand instruments or the melodic sound of people singing. Sikowitz ran down the hall in his hobo get-up, Lane scolded the people who needed a good punch in the face and Jade's group of friends were all together around her locker, looking excited about nothing in particular.
To the frank, Jade couldn't really call them all her friends.
As she approached she noticed that not all is what it seemed to be. She looked with narrowed eyes at her friends. Beck with his hand running through his hair, Tori with her hand on her hip and a smile on her face, Andre had his piano leaning against the wall, Robbie had Rex and then nothing. Jade's face broke into an uncontrollable frown as she stared at the missing space between Tori and her. Cat was not there.
No Cat had to be there, maybe not in the circle but in the school. She was avoiding Jade, she was still angry, that was the only reason for Cat's absence. She probably had herself buried deep in the library where she thought Jade would look for her last, or she was blabbering on to a poor and innocent kid in the halls that really needed to pee.
They all turned to look at Jade as she came closer. They offered warming smiles but none of them seemed to make her feel any happier. "Where's Cat?" She asked bluntly.
Tori shrugged, "We thought you would know. We haven't seen her."
That was the sentence that shattered Jade's heart for the second time. Without another thought she turned on her heal and took off for the library, stumbling down the halls, past the frightened faces and the random lose papers on the ground. Past the carelessly decorated lockers and the mixed smells of perfume and sweat.
Cat wasn't in the library and she wasn't in the classroom. She wasn't outside hiding in a car or behind a tree. She wasn't in the food truck or in Lane's office. She wasn't in the black box theatre or hiding in the janitors closet. Jade dropped to her knees in the middle of hallway, taking in a deep and shallow breath as she realized Cat really wasn't here. She clung to her stomach as she doubled over. It was hurting her, she needed to help Cat but she couldn't. Her eyes welled up with tears that didn't belong there, Jade rubbed at her eyes, trying to banish them from her face.
Tomorrow then, Cat would know tomorrow.
-o-
Those words faded into memories as the week droned on and nobody had heard from Cat, nobody even bothered to ask where she was. Tori assumed she was sick and would be back the next week, anything but a sickness would just be unfathomable. This was the simultaneous answer from the whole table because none of them could get a hold of Cat.
Jade could feel it inside her, slithering through her heart, through her veins that Cat would not be back the next week. She would not be back at all. Jade had driven past Cat's house and it seemed dead, lifeless. She thought that maybe they would just be asleep, but not at the same time four nights in a row. But there was that part of Jade that fluttered with hope that maybe, just maybe she was wrong. Her heart couldn't do it without Cat, without the feeling of her tiny hand pressed so tightly in her own. Jade needed her more than she knew, and Cat would never know.
Unless Jade was wrong, but Jade rarely is.
As predicted, Cat was not there that Saturday when Jade was lying in her bed sobbing into her pillow. Her Mother didn't check on her, nobody called her to hangout; nobody ever did -besides a certain red head. Cat did not show up to school that week, the rest of the gang became worried and started to make phone calls and sending e-mails but nothing but empty answers was all they received. Jade had given up driving past Cat's house because she knew there was not going to be a light.
That Saturday was no different; Jade had her hands clutching the duvet she was cuddling into, tears flowing from her eyes without shame. When Jade finally built up enough strength to stand she used it to stagger over to the dresser and grab the picture of Cat and her she had taped to her mirror. Jade took in a ragged breath and dropped to the floor pitifully. It was disgraceful and empty hearted, she was empty hearted.
She remembered it like it was only moments ago. Cat had made a fuss over how beautiful it was outside and that she wanted to go to the hammock. Jade protested and said that inside was less dangerous; it left them clear from the eyes of prying classmates with nothing better to do. Cat had won. They sat in Jade's hammock, fingers dancing with each other as they looked into the clear blue sky, clouds scattered around. The sun looked like it was smiling down at them, kissing them gently as they laid together in complete and utter peace. That's really what Jade needed, just to be with Cat.
Jade soaked her floor with tears that would leave an acid stain. They painted her skin with the painful feeling she had growing in her soul. She just needed to be with Cat to know that everything was okay, she didn't mean anything. "Cat please." She begged to nothing.
Nobody was going to come for her.
By the time that Monday rolled around Jade had gone numb. She hadn't eaten a full meal in two days, she hadn't cried since she'd collapsed to the floor, and she didn't move all Sunday unless it was to use the bathroom. The picture was almost glued to her hand because not once did she let it go. She just kept looking at the image and running her finger along Cat's delicate features as she took the picture and Jade kissed her cheek.
It was lunchtime when Jade finally got the confirmation on the information she already knew. Tori had finally gotten a hold of Cat's Mom who told her that they had moved and Cat didn't want anything to do with anybody from Hollywood Arts. Everybody was sad, confused and didn't understand a thing, but Jade knew. She had honestly always known.
So Jade didn't cry anymore, she didn't really want to cry anymore. Cat was part of her, a soul attached to hers no matter what happened and so Jade decided that if one half of her was moving on, then the rest of her should follow its lead. She placed the picture in the bottom of her drawer, disposed of all of Cat's items that littered her room and made sure then whenever the name Cat was brought up, she simply smiled and internally wished her the best in the world -where ever she was.
-o-
Jade walked hand in hand with a man named Alex down the sidewalk, keeping her eyes on the ground so she knew exactly where she was walking. Jade wasn't used to the busy New York streets but this is where Alex was born and raised so she trusted him, it was her own clumsy feet she felt differently about.
It had been three years since she'd graduated Hollywood arts and moved into a nice collage dorm room away from her Mother and all the alcohol she reeked of. Jade's roommate was a nice girl with a hot older Brother which is essentially how she met Alex. He was two years older than her and very talented in football. Jade knew that Alex wasn't really her type, but she persisted until they finally got together.
That was one of Jade's biggest regrets. She knew that she wasn't straight, she just didn't understand exactly what she was, but the raging debate about her sexuality was not the reason Jade bashed herself to sleep every night with saddened thoughts. Alex wasn't the man he turned out to be. Jade could never do anything right, she never sang the right note or wrote the right words or said that right thing and for that she was punished. Alex would hit her whenever they were alone and he'd get angry. He didn't like most of the things Jade did and it scared Jade because for once in her life, she did not have the upper hand in the relationship.
Jade didn't tell anybody because she didn't know how. If she spoke out she was an attention seeker, she had no proof, no viable evidence that Alex actually was an abusive boyfriend and so Jade sealed her lips shut. He never hit her anywhere visible in the light so Jade didn't have to worry about those pesky bruises. But secretly she wished he would crack just once in public, so everybody could see just how much of a demon he really was.
The two strode around town until Alex stopped abruptly. Since Jade wasn't paying attention she kept going but was pulled back by Alex's frozen form, she slammed into him and they both stumbled backwards. She clung to his shirt for a second before hurriedly looking into his eyes and shrinking back in fear. He was so angry that she thought he might burst, but no he smiled and kissed her forehead, earning the loving glances of passing older woman. Jade moved away and watched him open the door to the building they had stopped in front of.
It was a bar. Alex wanted a drink. At least if Jade got him drunk enough she could just slip out and make her way back to the hotel, and when he asked her where she was last night she could lie and say she was there he just couldn't remember because honestly, would she ever lie to him? Yes she would, but what he didn't know didn't hurt her.
They kept their hands together until they sat down on the swivelling chairs attached to the bar. An old man greeted them and took their orders before running off bustlingly. Jade looked to Alex and mouthed 'I'm sorry', but he just shook his head and looked past her. The bartender returned with two drinks and placed them in front of the lovely couple.
All was going perfectly well until Jade heard the mic being tapped. "Hey guys, hope you're having fun!" She was paralyzed with recognition and painful feelings she thought she'd rid herself of many years ago. "This song is kind of old but it's one that I've always loved, so I hope you love it too!"
Jade didn't turn around because she was scared she was wrong. That if she turned around she wouldn't see the familiar twinkling eyes of a red headed girl with a smile brighter than the sun and a body that could be held forever. She didn't want to see her actually. She didn't want to break the wall of bricks she'd put in front of her and those gloriously horrid memories. But something inside her was battling against that point, wanting her to turn around and smile at the girl that she knew she'd never really gotten over.
"When I was younger I saw, my Daddy cry and curse at the wind
He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to resemble it"
Jade's heart accelerated with every word because that was the song, the last song she'd ever sung to the girl. Her palms began to sweat and not even the daunting presence of Alex could make her stop shaking slightly in fear.
"And my Momma swore that she would never let herself forget
But that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love,
If it does not exist"
Finally she gave into temptation and pivoted around. Jade had been wrong, that was not the same girl she thought it was. She had the same voice, same smile, and same dazzling eyes but unlike before her hair was brown. It's original color. Jade's breath caught as she watched Cat singing, her lips forming the words with just beauty that it almost seemed like art to the eyes.
"But Darlin'
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception"
Jade watched with a delighted heart as Cat finished her song and set the guitar she held down, before waving to the crowd. That's when their eyes locked and for a second Jade could have sworn she saw Cat's face crumple, just as she had known her did. Cat looked away quickly, Jade doing the same. This time the dark haired girl turned around, spinning rapidly and hazardously causing her hand to bump into her cup and send in smashing down against the bar.
Unadulterated fear quivered inside her as she looked at the mess. Glass shards were everywhere, covering the wood, covers her and Alex's laps, along with the spilled alcohol she had, had inside of it. Her hand moved to her mouth and she looked to Alex.
His neck vein was popping; his eyes were wide with rage so bright that it made the stars blink. Jade didn't want to admit it but this was the angriest she'd ever seen her boyfriend, this would be his breaking point. She wanted him to do it so badly but then a thought occurred to her.
No not when Cat was here.
Everything was all too much for her; she felt tears forming in her eyes. What happened to the Jade West that people cowered from as she marched down the halls? The one that sang to her girlfriend on Saturdays because she just wanted to? The one that held her ground always and never cried over just trivial things like spilt drinks? Jade wanted so badly to go back, to undo everything she'd done.
Just when she thought Alex was going to burst a voice broke through and silenced his twitching hand. "Jade West? Is that you?"
Jade turned and looked at Cat, the one girl that still seemed to have her heart under lock and key, even after all this time. She wiped away the wetness from under her eyes, "Cat Valentine?" The name sounded so sweat coming from her lips. "Wow." Jade couldn't form words at that point.
Cat looked past her and to Alex, their eyes met and exchanged in a battle. Cat could see, she didn't have to be there all the time but she just knew. Jade was in trouble but what could she possibly do, just standing there was killing her. Jade wasn't hers anymore, she wasn't Jade's; they had no place in each others lives. Cat wasn't sure what was wrong, but something just didn't sit right with her. "Is this your boyfriend?"
Jade could only nod, licking her lips nervously. Why did Cat have to look so flawless? So perfect in everyway. She'd matured somehow, but she was still that grown up child that made Jade smile with her crazy antics.
A booming voice from behind her spoke, "I'll wait for you outside." Alex left with anger stepping on his boots.
The two girls just stared at each other for a moment, taking each other in. They needed to remember this, to memorize a face they once knew so well. Lips that they had once kissed, hands which they once held and smiles they once caused. Jade wanted to reach out and hug her just one last time but it wasn't a good idea, little did she know Cat was dying to do the same. Cat wanted to grab Jade and run in the opposite direction of the angered man Jade was dating. Jealously was vibrating through her but alas, it did not belong and so Cat ignored it.
"It was good seeing you." Cat smiled, reaching out an extended arm.
Jade realized then that the unspoken words she has been keeping in since high school would never leave her lips. Cat would never understand anything that happened, ever. "You too." She grinned, ignoring her burning eyes as the tears swelled. They shook hands before Jade turned around and headed for the door. Cat turned too, and both girls risked glances back at different times.
That was the last time Cat ever saw Jade or Jade ever saw Cat. They never ran into each other on the streets on a windy afternoon, they never saw a news clip of the other dying in a tragic accident, they never called each other, or e-mailed each other. Not everything is glitter and gold, not everything turns out right. Sometimes people hurt, sometimes things break, sometimes nothing is ever okay again once that first crack appears. Jade and Cat were history and whatever happened to them, the other wouldn't know.