Author's Note: I am in a bit of a state at the moment. Downton Abbey doesn't air where I live until next week, so the only information I have is from trailers, fan fics and Wikipedia. It's messing with my mind, I can tell you! There are so many things I need to know! As you will know, dear readers, the only thing to do when you're haunted by a fandom is write about it. So here it is; my first Downton fan fic. Disclaimers and all that.
Isobel/Richard (Isobel POV)
If I loved you, which I don't, but if I did, you'd make me smile whenever I thought of your face; your smile, your frown, your eyes, grey-blue, looking at me disapprovingly from across the room.
If I loved you, which I don't, but if I did, maybe it's because you were the first thing I cared about when I came here. Well, your work and through that you. The way everyone looks to you and how you never let them down. I never wanted to let people down.
If I loved you, which I don't, but if I did, perhaps it is because you valued my opinion. We argued, of course we did, but underneath it all you recognized the fact that I just wanted to help. You actually listened and treated me like someone who had something that was worth saying. Even if you disagreed.
If I loved you, which I don't, but if I did, maybe it was because you gave me a place to fit in. Because I've never really done that, not here. They've been places that I will never go and they will never take me. I can wear a smile, radiate cheeriness and pretend that I don't understand when they laugh at me. But of course I get it. How could I not? And it hurts more than I say. But not with you. You have always been honest to me. To you, my flaws are what they are, nothing more, nothing less. And if I loved you, I could let you know that you gave me what I needed; a place to be needed.
If you loved me, which you don't, I'm sure. Well, you might. I don't know. Do you? If you loved me, would you say so? Or would you keep it to yourself, afraid of what could happen? If you want to hold my hand, all you have to do is ask.
Because if I loved you, which I don't, of course, but if I did, I'd find it hard to find the right words to let you know I want you to be mine. And, it would be difficult to decide what the right time would be to tell you what you mean to me. Because what if I gave you my heart and you broke it? How could I live then? Perhaps it is better to leave things the way they are; because staying put and not knowing is better than reaching out and finding nothing. Who really knows? Maybe I should jump. Falling with you would be ten times better than flying alone.
But that is only if I loved you. Which, well, I might.