Why?
Lily Evans asked herself this question on a daily basis. She'd been asking herself that question for years. Over the course of her life, people had always confused Lily. Petunia, her sister, confused her immensely in their childhood. She asked herself why it was that Petunia wanted nothing to do with her any longer, even though they'd spent most of their days giggling and playing around. Lily wondered why Petunia didn't want to talk to her and never bothered to look at her she was home for the Summer holidays. Why?
And why, for another matter, did Severus, her best and only true friend, have to do evil, horrid things, even though Lily told him she didn't think it was right? Why, after all of those years of friendship, all of those slip-ups and angry retorts to Lily's accusations on his company, did the word 'Mudblood' escape his lips?
Why?
For fuck's sake, why, WHY did James Potter continue to try to get her attention and why did he have to torture her friend to do it? Lily bit her lip, wiping her hand over her tear-stained face. She shook like a leaf in her pajamas, sitting alone in the dark common room, staring blankly at the dying flames in the fireplace. She didn't even look up when she noticed a disturbance behind her. She didn't have to. She already knew who it was. She didn't say anything for several moments, and neither did he. When she finally spoke, her voice was dead.
"Why, Potter? Why?"
She heard him draw in a measure of breath, and she knew that he was probably messing with that stupid hair of his.
"Nevermind, just get out of my sight." She said, her voice cracking.
Instead of doing what she asked, like he often never did, he sat next to her, looking at his shoes.
"I don't know." He said quietly.
She laughed humorlessly, the sound much crueler than she'd intended.
"That's bullshit, Potter."
He didn't answer, but bent forward, putting his head in his hands. Right. She never knew why. She'd never know why. She never knew why or how people were capable of doing the things they did or saying the things they said. They simply did. She would never have the capacity to understand why people didn't just do the right thing; why they didn't just leave the bad alone.
"I won't pretend I'm perfect, Evans." He finally said quietly after a long period of silence.
"Funny, that – It seems that is exactly what you believe, Potter. You have your stupid, pathetic group of friends, you're a stupid Chaser and doesn't everyone just worship the ground you walk on? Isn't James Potter just so fucking dreamy?"
"You think I'm dreamy?" He replied in an attempt to lighten the mood.
Lily's eyes narrowed to slits and she finally turned to look at him.
"THIS! This is what I mean! You don't give a shit about anyone! You don't care! You're so fucking arrogant – You're – I hate you!" She screeched, not caring if she woke up the entire tower.
She jumped to her feat, heat racing to her face and anger bubbling in her throat. She was so angry, she felt the tears forming in her eyes. She reached to the end table and grabbed her wand. She pointed it shakily at James, her face contorted in rage.
"I absolutely HATE you, James! What is your problem? Why are you such a horrid person? WHY? Why did you have to mess with Severus! If you would have just left him alone – "
It was James' turn to be angry. He stood, looking her straight in the eyes.
"What? What would have happened if I left him alone? Lily, if anyone doesn't care about you, it's him! He treated you like shit for all those years, and you just put up with it! I'm no saint, Lily, but fuck! Don't pretend he's some hero!"
"I don't!" Lily's voice had reached such a high decibel, it was hardly audible. "Severus isn't perfect, James, but he's not as cruel as you!"
James groaned, grabbing fistfuls of his hair.
"I'm not nice to him, sure. I'm mean to him, yeah. Do I plan on becoming a Death Eater when I grow up? No! Open your eyes, Evans! Look at what he's become. He's not that little kid who can hide behind you anymore, so make me understand, why the fuck are you still making excuses for him?"
Lily practically fell back onto the couch, overcome with a fresh round of sobs. The worst part was that James was right.
"I – I don't know." She whispered.
James looked alarmed.
"Evans – Look, I'm sorry – "
"Don't." She said quietly, waving her hand.
"No –"
"Don't." She repeated with more conviction.
"Lily, I really care about you –"
She snorted, wiping away at her tears.
"You certainly have a funny way of showing it."
"I'm – I'm just saying, you should have seen this coming."
Lily hated hearing it. She hated the way James said it, as if he knew everything. She hated the way it came from him, as if he KNEW Severus like she did. Most of all, she hated that it was true.
"Did it ever occur to you that I did, Potter? Did it ever occur to you to leave well enough alone?"
"I can't say anything other than I'm sorry, Evans, but you wouldn't believe me if I did."
"Because any apology from you is complete bullshit, and I don't want to hear it."
"Right." James said, turning away from her. "I'll see you around."
"Wait."
James was a little taken aback, but he looked at her, any look of superiority vacant from his face. He genuinely looked like he cared.
"James – Why? Why do you like me?"
"Because – Because I do, Evans. I have for a while, and I think you know that I wish I didn't, sometimes. I wish I could see you just as another person, but Lily, I can't. I like you because… because you're you. I guess that's not good enough for you, but – I don't know –"
He began to ramble, but Lily cut him off.
"James?"
"Y-yeah?"
She paused before she said anything.
"Will you stay with me for a while?"
James immediately sat next to her and took her hand in his. Even if the gesture wasn't romantic, he seemed to be okay with it. Lily rested her head on his shoulder, turning her attention back to the dwindling fire. As the fire flickered out, snuffing and causing smoke to fill the dark fireplace, Lily realized that sometimes, knowing why things happened and why things were said didn't always help everything. And for once, Lily didn't want to know why.