There was once upon a time...
A king who was so much beloved by his subjects that he thought himself the happiest monarch in the whole world.
"Please vote 'money and world domination'...er...I mean...Love and peace for everyone..."
(The illusive man as the King)
And he had everything his heart could desire. All in modesty.
"You could say I'm some sort of a patriot. I'm very open mind. HEY, you slave! Give me a cigar and a glass of scotch right now!"
His palace was filled with the rarest of curiosities (War chest), and his gardens with the sweetest flowers,
while in the marble stalls of his stables stood a row of milk-white horse, with big brown eyes.
What do you need a horse for? ! You're always on a chair !
"Illusive man on a horse as a battle boss for mass effect 3." explained illusive man the king.
Strangers who had heard of the marvels which the king had collected (looted), and made long journeys to see them, were,
however, surprised to find the most splendid stall of all occupied by a donkey, with particularly large and drooping ears.
"HEY! I'm not fat!"
(Subject zero Jack as the front part of the donkey)
"Neither am I, and even if I were, I would be 'perfectly' fat."
(Miranda Lawson as the behind part of the donkey)
"And why am I the ass of the donkey?" asked Miranda.
"Because I don't want to stare at YOUR ass all day!" said Jack.
"This is an outrage! I should be a princess or something! I'm the sexiest mass effect 2 love interest! All my fan can tell you!"
"You mean that **** porn scene?" asked Jack
"It wasn't a porn scene! There is much worst anyway." said Miranda.
"Yeah, like Jacob's love scene..."
It was a very fine donkey, a bit dumb though.
"HEY!" said both Jack and Miranda.
But still, as far as they could tell, nothing so very remarkable as to account for the care with which it was lodged;
"I can glow!" said Jack the front part of the donkey.
"You're using biotic power" revealed Miranda the behind of the donkey.
"Sh**!"
They went away wondering, for they could not know that every night, when it was asleep, bushels of gold pieces tumbled out of its ears,
which were picked up each morning by the attendants.
"Hey, this is yellow not gold!"
(Joker as the servant, who must feed the donkey)
"If you're not happy about it, Sh** your gold yourself." said twice the donkey; front and behind.
After many years of prosperity
"Of thieving gold you mean!" said Miranda the behind of the donkey.
A sudden blow fell upon the king in the death of his wife, whom he loved dearly.
"Now how are we suppose to have se-... I mean...My poor dear wife, how am I suppose to cure her?" said illusive man the king.
But before she died, the queen, who had always thought first of his happiness...
"Happiness? My ass, yeah." said Jack the front part of the donkey.
"I would have married him too for all that gold coming from Jack's ears. With no brain it's easier to make gold." said Miranda the behind of the donkey.
"What the fu**? !"
The queen gathered all her strength, and said to him:
"Assuming direct control : You must marry again for the bad luck of your people. But do not set about it in a hurry (for my personal pride).
Wait until you have found a person more beautiful and better formed than myself."(What the hell do that mean? better formed?)
"Which you'll never find because you're too damn ugly and fat...And your eyes give me the creeps"
(Harbinger as the queen)
"You're the one to talk...with your glowing yellow eyes."
Do the drama queen now! Or no pay until next month!
"..., do not speak to me of marrying," sobbed Illusive man the king; "rather let me die with you!"
"What a wonderful idea dear fat-one!"
After that the queen Harbinger died.
"What? But I haven't finish yet!"
I SAID, the queen died!
For some months the king's grief was great;
"Ah, How wonderful to be single again! Now I can go to the swimming pool."
Since when do you like going to a swimming pool?
"It's for the ladies."
Gradually he began to forget a little, and, besides, his counsellors were always urging him to seek another wife.
Though it was kind of difficult with all the dumb flirt he did with all the women in and out the palace.
"I bet he won't find anything." Said Jack and Miranda the front and the behind of the donkey.
"I'm sure he'll find something, I teach him sometime cheesy lines that the ladies love!" Said Joker the servant.
"...Epic Fail then..."
"HEY!"
By-and-by the king allowed himself to be persuaded to think of it, only stipulating that the bride should be more beautiful and attractive than the late queen, according to the promise he had made her.
Overjoyed at having obtained what they wanted, the counsellors sent envoys far and wide to get portraits of all the most famous beauties of every country.
The artists were very busy and did their best, but, alas! nobody could even pretend that any of the ladies could compare for a moment with the late queen.
"(Strange accent) Messieur, I'm doing the best I can, I'm an artist, not god who created Eve while looking at Playboy magazine."
(Morinth as the random artist)
"So there isn't any girl who can match the queen's beauty?" asked a counsellor.
Since When Harbinger was a beauty?
Anyway...
At length, one day, when he had turned away discouraged from a fresh collection of pictures, the king's eyes fell on his adopted daughter,
who had lived in the palace since she was a baby, and he saw that, if a woman existed on the whole earth more lovely than the queen, this was she!
"Then It' decided! You shall be my new wife! Congratulation...Shepard!"
"What the fuc*? !"
(Paragon Female Shepard as the princess)
"NOoooooooo-" Screamed Joker the servant.
"You're not even a love interest." said Miranda the behind of the donkey.
"We lose the bet but this is so epic!" said Jack while laughing.
End of Chapter one.