Hats Off to the Master
Co-written by Hayya3 and P.E.E.V.S.Y.
Teddy Lupin stood in line for the Sorting Hat, trying to look nonchalant instead of trembling like he felt like doing. As Professor McGonagall started the G's, however, he couldn't do it anymore. He started to tremble, just like the rest of the first years. And that annoyed him.
Because he wasn't the rest of the first years: he was Ted Remus Lupin, son of the Auror Tonks and werewolf/Professor Remus 'Moony' Lupin, who had died to make the world a better place. Teddy stopped trembling.
"Lupin, Ted!"
The trembling came back. However he walked forward all the same, only tripping twice. He reached the front, went to sit on the stool, but sat too far back. He missed the stool and fell on his butt.
The whole student body laughed. And so did Teddy. He got back on the stool and put the hat on.
Nothing happened.
Then, the hat began to talk.
"Ahhh, Mr. Lupin," the hat said.
"Ahhh… talking hat?" Teddy thought back, snickering to himself.
"Very funny," said the hat; it did not sound amused.
"Wasn't it though?" Teddy thought cheekily.
"If I didn't know that your surname was Lupin, I'd say you were descended from one of the Weasley twins," the hat said, annoyed.
Nope," Teddy said cheerfully, "Just a Tonks and a marauder."
"Of course you are," said the hat. Teddy knew that if the hat had eyes, it would be rolling them now.
"Now…hmm…I'd say you're a…"the hat began.
"A smart-aleck?" Teddy filled in helpfully.
"No…"
"An annoying little brat?" Teddy suggested.
"True, but no…"
"How about a mischievous little rascal?" Teddy grinned, "That's what Gran calls me."
"I was thinking more along the lines of very loyal…"
"You're gonna stick me in Hufflepuff, aren't you?" Teddy said in despair.
"Why not? You're mum was there," the hat asked.
"Yeah, and Gran was a Slytherin, Dad was a Gryffindor, and my Grandpa was a Ravenclaw," Teddy said, "Doesn't mean a thing."
"Well then, if you don't want to be in any of those houses, where do you want to go?" the hat asked irritably.
"Well…" Teddy said thoughtfully, "I was thinking I ought to have my own house called 'Teddy Lupin is a god so bow down and worship him'. Our colors would be turquoise and brown, and our logo would a big, honking, SPIDER! OHH!! We could have a theme song too!"
The hat had no response to this, so Teddy continued his rant, finally finishing with a smug, "And Gran and Harry said you wouldn't go for it. Pssht! What do they know? So, you gonna put me in 'Teddy Lupin is a god so bow down and worship him' now?"
"No! You're Gran was right to say I wouldn't go for it, that has to be the stupidest idea I have ever heard! What is wrong with you?!?" the hat sputtered.
"Well, I thought it was a good idea," Teddy said, sounding affronted.
"You thought wrong," the hat snarled.
"Fine!" Teddy snapped, "Since 'Teddy Lupin is a god so bow down and worship him' is out, where do I go? Huh? Huh? HUH?"
"I made a suggestion and you shot it down. You obviously don't care about my opinion," the hat said.
"You're right. I don't," Teddy said snottily, still angry about his house idea being shot down.
"Then how do you suggest we sort you, Sir Whines-A-Lot?" the hat asked.
"You don't. We can sit here forever for all I care," Teddy snapped.
"Okay, we will," the hat snapped back.
They spent the next 10 minutes in silence. Finally, the hat and boy were addressed by the headmistress, Professor Sprout, "Excuse me, but is there a problem with sorting Mr. Lupin?"
"The hat and boy both began to talk at once, their voices rising in anger. It took several loud whistles from Filch to bring the two of them back to silence.
"Erm…" Professor Sprout was at a loss for words. This had never happened before, "You have to pick a house for him! It's the law!"
They began to shout again, until, finally…
"You stupid, nasty little GRYFFINDOR!" the hat shouted.
"No," said Teddy.
"Yes. Now!" said the hat severely.
"You and what army?" Teddy said in a sing-song voice.
"I didn't want to do this, but…" the hat took a deep breath. The doors to the Great Hall burst open. A small little bird hopped into the room.
Teddy snorted, "Really impressive, that bird is."
The bird flew over to Teddy and began to attack him.
"Ouch…ow…ouch…geoff!" Teddy said, swatting at the bird. In desperation, he let out a yodel. 15 owls came to his rescue. The hat and faculty stared in amusement as the owls and birds battled it out.
"Owls trump birds every time," Teddy said smugly.
The bird morphed into a giant grizzly bear.
The owls fled. Teddy gulped.
"How does Gryffindor sound now, Mr. Lupin?" the hat sneered.
"Erm…" Teddy pondered the merits of a tactical retreat for several moments. "I think it sounds as bad as your singing," he declared, throwing caution to the winds.
The hat puffed up in anger. "In all my years at Hogwarts…" the hat said angrily.
"Look, Teddy, yeah?" a small girl with long black hair said.
Teddy nodded.
"You can't be resorted. You're a Gryffindor, so go sit with your classmates so I can get sorted," the girl said, eyes flashing.
"What do you need to be sorted for? It's obvious where you're going," Teddy snapped.
"Oh really?" the girl drawled, "And where's that, may I ask?"
Teddy's reply was cut off by the hat.
"Why, 'Teddy Lupin is a god so bow down and worship him' of course!" the hat said sarcastically.
"I'm glad you think so, my dear hat!" Teddy said to general laughter.
The girl quirked her eyebrow, "Cute. Real cute."
"Thank you," Teddy said, taking a bow.
"Now, I believe I'm next, yes?" the girl said, calmly taking the hat off of Teddy's head and placing it on her own. A moment later, Teddy was still standing there, shocked and the hat yelled, "Gryffindor!"
The girl grinned, grabbed Teddy's hand, and literally pulled him to the Gryffindor table.
"I can't wait for class tomorrow," Teddy said once the sorting had finished and the feast had begun.
The girl grinned, "I can't wait to see what you do in class. I'm Nixie, by the way. Nixie Mable."
"I'm Teddy Lupin, Prankster-Extraordinaire!" Teddy said proudly.
"Teach me all you know, oh great and wonderful master!" she laughed, looking eager.
"Master?" Teddy snorted.
Nixie grinned evilly, "Yes, oh Master of Pranks, Stupidity, and Yodels!"
"Okay, I'm the Master then," Teddy said.
"And I'm the Master's Keeper," Nixie grinned.
They shook hands, and thus, the Master's first year at Hogwarts began.