What is this life if full of care

by Wilsden

...we have no time to stand and stare.

What is this life if full of care…..

We walk out into the warmth of the early July sunshine to the car park to collect our cars. Bodie is still whooping with unconfined joy at Cowley's sudden and unexpected announcement that he has just given us both a month off work.

"He did mean it, didn't he?" Bodie asks. "I mean he's not going to be ringing in the morning wanting us in?"

"Yeah, he meant it." I confirm. "Though I'm not sure what prompted it."

"Who cares! So the question now is, what are we going to do?" Bodie says, putting the car key in the lock of his car and looking across the roof at me.

"Nothing."I tell him firmly. "I intend to do absolutely nothing. Apart from two days off over Christmas we haven't had any real length of time off for six months and I really need to recharge my batteries."

There is a twinkle in my partners eyes. "I want sun sea and….girls, plenty of girls! Two weeks abroad will suit me down to the ground! Wanna come? You can do nothing there."

"No thanks, mate. I'll probably stick closer to home, maybe go down to the coast to Brighton or somewhere."

Bodie doesn't press me further to join him. He knows we both need some time apart. We have lived in each others pockets every day and many nights when called on for stakeout work and now we need a complete change of scene without each other in it and our close bond will ultimately benefit from it.

"Have a good time." I open my car door.

"You too, mate."

"Send me a postcard." I grin at him.

"Like that's going to happen!"

I get into my car and watch Bodie pull away at speed. A month off! It stretches before me enticingly and a sudden shiver of excitement courses through me. I turn the car out of the car park with a scream of brakes.

I'm not generally one to do things on impulse, I like things planned and well thought out. So it comes as a surprise to find myself an hour later filling the panniers of my motorcycle with clothes and food and heading out on the open road with no real destination in mind. Brighton soon looms ahead but I find myself in need of somewhere less brash and more intimate, somewhere where I can tuck myself away. So I press on aimlessly,enjoying very much the freedom of the open road and being on my bike again.

Coming into a busy town in Cornwall many hours later I spot a holiday property letting agency and make some enquiries. Ten minutes later I emerge with a set of keys to a flat overlooking the harbour. Inside it's small but perfectly adequate and has everything I need for a two week stay. But its greatest feature are French windows opening onto a small balcony with outstanding views across the harbour and the sweep of the bay. 'This is fantastic!' But it's getting late and I don't linger there long. I'm tired but go out for enough groceries for the weekend.

The next morning I'm woken by an unfamiliar sound. Seagulls on the roof. I remember where I am, smile and turn over. I wake with a start several hours later and then have to tell myself to relax, I'm on holiday. Easier said than done and I know it will be at least three days before the stress and strains of my job in London begin to slip away from me.

I spend the next few days blissfully happy to wander around the harbour sometimes taking my newspaper to the benches that line it or simply sit and people watch. It 's early in the season and the children are still in school adding to the relaxed and quiet atmosphere.

As my body begins to relax into this new found freedom so too does my mind and issues that I have pushed to the back of it now slowly seep to the front needing to be dealt with. An image of the motorcycle that I am restoring flashes to the forefront. In a months time it will be a year since I had any time to work on it due to work commitments. Any days off I've had have been given over to catching up on sleep. A year! I would have reckoned on having had it finished by now. How much more time is going to go by before I start to fit the spare parts waiting in the garage in their neatly stacked boxes?

I get up from the bench, uncomfortable with the prospect of facing something else that is demanding attention. Walking through the narrow cobbled streets I head for the large expanse of beach and find a quiet spot amid some rocks and absent mindedly watch a group of surfers. A while back now I had lost a friend, one I had encouraged to join C.I.5. He'd been killed on an assignment and I'd had to break the news to his then heavily pregnant wife, June. In her shock she had turned on me. Her words had stung me, so much so that I had visibly winced at the time. Their truth had embedded itself in my brain and remained there until now. "Its alright for you! You haven't got anyone! No wife!No children!" June was right. I had no one and I still don't. Maintaining relationships with women is fraught with difficulties given the unsociable hours I work. I seem to be permanently on duty. As Cowley had once told Bodie and I "In C.I.5. you are never off duty." And that, I realised, was half the problem. I need a better and more fulfilling life socially than the one I have now. I'm not getting any younger and need to make plans for the future. I need and want a wife and a family, someone to go home to at the end of the day. And I'm not going to get that while I remain in C.I.5.

I push aside such worrying thoughts as the sun burns into my skin making it impossible to sit there any longer. Heading back towards the flat I spot an artists studio in an arcade a few doors down from it. Inside an artist is at work on a very detailed watercolour of the beached trawlers in the harbour. Her work and that of other artists line the walls. I watch her for a while in fascination and envy. Painting was once something I had liked to dabble in but again, its been a long time since I had the chance to put paintbrush to paper.

Inspired I purchase a cheap set of watercolours and some paper from an art shop next door, nothing fancy but just enough to satisfy the creativity that this woman's work has awoken in me. By chance I spot a leaflet offering a one day painting course at the weekend. Armed with this I then buy fish, chips and beer and take everything back to the flat and out onto the balcony. It's early evening and the sun is going down behind the pier in the distance sending up pink clouds that are reflected in the out going tide. I don't think I have ever been as happy as I am now and a line from a poem suddenly comes to mind. 'What is this life if full of care we have no time to stand and stare.' I don't know who wrote it. Bodie would probably know. Its always amazed me that someone like him should be fairly knowledgeable when it comes to poetry. I wonder how his holiday is going. He won't be doing any "standing and staring." Hoplesssly drunk and in the arms of some poor unsuspecting woman, more like! I smile, take a long draught of beer and open my watercolour paints.

To say the painting course was enjoyable was an understatement. To be among a small group of like minded people in such a beautiful location was uplifting and inspiring when we were led out to the pier to paint after a morning's tuition. A fellow course member tells me about an art gallery in the next town that he highly recommends I visit so, early on in my second week I head out there on my motorcycle. It was every bit as good as his recommendation though I don't think I will be telling Bodie I went to an art gallery on holiday!

I haven't enjoyed myself as much as I have these past couple of weeks and I know more than ever that I need more of this. Life, I realise is passing me by and I need to do something about it.

It's with a very heavy heart that I find myself packing up and leaving this beautiful place after two weeks. London is full of a noise and a constant rush that I haven't been used to. To compound the matter it is now raining heavily. Inside my flat my mail has been picked up off the floor and placed on the table along with a note from Bodie to say he's gone away for another week and that if I'm about could I keep an eye on his place and his car.

I use the week to catch up with friends Louise and Claire for some nights out and to finally start work on the restoration of the old Norton in the garage. It affords me some thinking time and re- inforces a life changing decision that I have made. I need to inform Cowley but before that I need to tell someone far more important to me.

When Bodie opens the door to me the sight of him takes my breath away. He is heavily tanned and the deep set lines of stress that have lived on his face these past six months have gone. He looks so happy and relaxed. Clearly the break has done him good. I don't know how he's going to take my news and suddenly my heart rate quickens and the tension within me that I have been denying these past few days start to surface.

"Wow! You look…." I begin.

"As handsome as ever?" He stands back to let me in.

"I was going to say well. You look really well. How were the holidays?"

"Fantastic, mate. Miles of beaches, long days of sunshine and ….the girls.!"His eyes sparkle as his hands shape the outline of a curvy woman in the air.

"How was yours?" he asks, getting two cans of beer from the fridge and passing me one. "Where did you end up?"

"I took the bike to Cornwall. I thoroughly enjoyed it, didn't want to come home."

When I settle myself on the sofa I'm aware that Bodie is looking at me. I have forgotten how intune we are with each other for he already senses something's a miss. As is if bracing himself for what is to come he attempts to hide behind his humour.

"So, did you miss me then?" He grins.

"About as much as you missed me!" My smile barely plays on my lips, re-inforcing my partners worry. I take a deep breath and lean forward, staring at the beer can in my hands.

"Listen mate," I begin softly. "I've been doing some thinking while I was away." Bodie wrinkles his brow in constenation.

"I'll just come out and say it. I'm going to be leaving C.I.5." Saying the words aloud suddenly seems to finally make it real for me.

There is a long moment of stunned silence.

"What?"

"I've decided to to leave. I'm sorry." I can barely bring myself to look at him.

"Leave?"

"Yeah,mate." There is another long moment of silence as Bodie tries to take this in. Whatever he had been thinking I was going to say it clearly wasn't this.

"But I don't understand." he says eventually. "Why? What's happened?"

"Nothing's happened. I've realised it's time to move on, that's all."

"Move on?"Bodie seems utterly bewildered. "Move on to where?"

I feel like a doctor that has just imparted some devasting news to him. If I try to tell him now of my reasons he won't even begin to take them in let alone truly understand the depth of them.I need to give him some time to come to terms with it.

"I don't know yet. I realise this is all a bit of a shock."

There is suddenly a strange look on his face that seems to echo a change in his demeanour. "You've thought about this? I mean really thought about it?"

"Yes."

Bodie nods before slowly taking a sip of beer from the can. He rolls it around in his mouth before swallowing it hard.

"Have you told Cowley?" His face is expressionless.

I shake my head. "No, I'll let him know on Monday when we go back."

"Right." he says thoughtfully, staring at the beer can in his hand. "Right, okay then."

His words seem to finalize things for him and he gets to his feet. "Not really much more to say, is there?"

His behaviour puzzles me and I read in his body language that he wants me to leave his flat. I set my beer can on the table and stand beside him.

"So, what are you thinking?" I ask, aware he has not enquired as to my reasons why this has all come about.

"About what?" he regards me without emotion.

"Well about me resigning, of course."

"I'm not thinking anything. Its got nothing to do with me, its your business, your decision."

"You're not going to try talking me out of it then?" I smile hoping to elicite a response from him, a disconcerting air gathering in the room.

"Would it work?" Bodie moves towards the door.

"No." I reply, serious again.

"No more to be said then." Bodie opens the door and I step out into the corridor. "I'll see you on Monday."

"You want to meet up for a game of squash or go for a run before then?" I invite, needing to leave this on a better footing.

"I'm going to be busy for the rest of the week. I'll see you." He all but closes the door in my face. I walk back to my car in confusion. He's either taken this news badly or he is already moving on as he has done so all his life.I suspect it is the latter. He's moved around from job to job over the years so I know he's used to leaving people and places behind and starting afresh. He rarely thinks of the past and even less of the future. He lives for today, in the here and now so I imagine after the initial surprise he's accepted my news with his usual stoic attitude. Feelings and emotions are rare visitors to Bodie's table whereas mine are often laid bare.

I continue the work to restore my motorcycle but my heart doesn't seem to be in it any more. Although it's been two days since I saw Bodie he continues to take up a lot of my thoughts. And, if I am honest, I'm a little hurt by his attitude. I had expected more than his casual disinterest, though I am not sure what exactly. Maybe a discussion, even a heated argument. In my lowest moments I even tell myself that perhaps he was looking forward to a change of partner, after all we've been together now almost five years.

I send a spanner crashing into the toolbox in frustration and then sit on the ground leaning against the workbench still deep in thought for a while before deciding not to waste any more of my time thinking about him.

The relentless rain of the day continues to hammer down on the roof and at the windows as I lie in bed tossing and turning unable to sleep. It's made worse by a drunk outside kicking a can down the road. When he starts singing setting off a dog barking in the distance I listen for a while and then can't stand it any longer. I go downstairs to threaten him with the police.

When I open the door and peer into the night I catch the man's eye and he staggers towards me from the other side of the street, splashing through the lamplit puddles.

"Ray!"

"Bodie?" I stare at the silhouetted figure in astonishment. "Bodie, is that you?"

He is soaked to the skin and raindrops drip from his face as he throws himself against me.

"Ray, my …old… friend!" Bodie hooks an arm around my neck.

"Bodie, what the hell are you doing here?" He is completely intoxicated and barely able to stand.

"I…..love….. you."He slurs, pressing a forefinger into my chest and breathing stale beer fumes into my face.

"Oh lucky me." I mutter. "Shut up and get in here before someone calls the police."

I manhandle him into the lounge throwing him onto the sofa. I fling a towel and some clothes at him.

"Dry yourself off and put those on." I step into the kitchen to put the kettle on. Bodie's head appears over the back of the sofa, eyes half closed and trying to focus on me.

"You can't leave cos' you're my mate, you are." He attempts to point a forefinger at me, loses his balance and disappears from view. I don't know why I'm making coffee, I don't think I'm going to get much down him. I've never seen him this drunk before.

As I carry in the mug his head re-appears again.

"Best…mate….you are."He realises he can't see me and swings round, sees me and grins. "The day… to my night, the…..light…." he closes his eyes, struggling to remember what he was trying to say. "….to my dark."

"It's too late in the night for poetry, Bodie. Drink your coffee." I carefully push the mug between his fingers. The coffee, which I've deliberately made lukewarm sloshes over his hands and he's grinning at me again. 'Oh God, this is going to be a long night.' But to my surprise it's not for Bodie takes a mouthful of coffee and just as I think he's going to be sick he swallows it. His unfocusing eyes close and his head drops against the back of the sofa. I catch the mug when his fingers loosen their grip as he falls into the deepest drunken sleep still in his damp clothes.

I watch him thoughtfully for a moment, berating myself for clearly underestimating his feelings, as his world seems to implode around him. It makes me realise, perhaps for the first time what I am about to give up and to lose.

It's mid day before Bodie surfaces. He comes down to the garage where I'm working carrying a tray laden with sandwiches, crisps and drinks.

"You've made lunch?" I wipe greasy hands down my overalls.

"Thought it was the least I could do." His eyes smile apologetically at me. He looks surprisingly good considering the state of him last night and he's showered and changed into my clothes.

"You'll make someone a lovely wife." I quip and he pulls a face at me.

"I see you've made a start on the bike. Looks good." He says.

"Actually, its nearly finished. Just needs some tuning and adjustments."

"Anything I can do?" Bodie offers, setting the tray down on the workbench and sitting down.

"It needs a good clean and polish." I sit opposite him. "How are you feeling?"

"Pretty good considering." He smiles at me as we relax into each others company."Didn't even get that drunk on holiday."

"How was the holiday?"

I sense his need to talk about my imminent departure but that he feels he's not ready yet. Instead he begins to regale me with an account of his holiday antics and then he sits rapt as I tell him about my more tamer by comparison time in Cornwall.

After lunch I suggest we take a couple of my old rally bikes up to some waste ground not far away. We might not have a lot in common but bikes are one of the things we share a passion for and Bodie's eyes light up at my suggestion. He seems to have recovered from his hangover with surprising speed so we load them on to a trailer and set off. I can't remember the last time I had laughed so much nor enjoyed his company more and once again it brings home the enormity of my decision. A few hours later we return home covered in mud from the overnight rain and pick up a takeaway on the way. I feel free of the tension that has been hanging over me these past few days.

We unload the bikes, shower and change and then settle in the lounge still chatting and laughing. And then, quite suddenly, we fall silent for several seconds before Bodie says quietly, "This is the end of us, isn't it?"

Strange that you can be so incredibly close to someone but that in a matter of months we will be like strangers. Yes, to start with we'll meet weekly for a catch up over drinks in the pub but I won't be privy to the goings on in C.I.5 and so news from Bodie will be limited. He won't know any of my new workmates and so my news and stories will mean little to him. Gradually our weekly meetings will stretch to monthly and will, dare I say it, start to become a chore however good our initial intentions. Pretty soon we'll be lucky to see each other once or twice a year as the last threads of our closeness slip away. And always, at the back of my mind, will be the inevitable phone call one day from Cowley informing me that Bodie's been killed in some shoot out or other.

I can tell from his tone that Bodie has given this more thought than I had anticipated. "It doesn't have to be, but we'd have to work hard at it." I admit.

He nods but we both know the truth. I spread the takeaway out on the coffee table and Bodie leans forward to take some. "I still don't understand where all this has come from all of a sudden, out of the blue. I thought you were happy at C.I.5."

"I am, I was. Being away gave me a chance to think. It's been five years now and my life hasn't moved on. I live in a rented flat and own a car and that about all there is to me.I want more from life. I also don't want to wake up in yet another hospital bed wondering what's happened to me. I don't want to be shot, stabbed or involved in any more near death explosions.I don't want to go out on an assignment wondering if I'm going to come back in one piece or even come back at all. I've had enough, its time to get out."

"I thought it was going to be…" Bodie trails off looking sheepish. "You know, Til Death Do Us Part."

I smile at him. "Like an old married couple? It's the death bit that worries me,Bodie."

"But we've been alright up to now."

"Yeah, but for how much longer. There's too much life out there Bodie, waiting to be lived and I want some of it before it's too late."

"Too late?"

"We're different, Bodie, we don't want the same things. I'm not going to get what I want if I remain in C.I.5, it plays havoc with your social life.I want and need a family, kids, someone to go home to."

"I'm not enough for you then?" Bodie attempts to hide behind his humour in an effort to conceal the sadness so clearly reflected in his eyes.

"Not by a long chalk, mate!" I grin at him as we share the food.

"You're wrong though. I do want what you want. A wife and kids."

"Really?"

"Well don't look so surprised! My problem is there's too many women out there clamouring to be my wife on account of me being so incredibly good looking! Seriously though, I don't think I'm ready for all that just yet. So, what are you going to do for a job?"

"I haven't even thought about it yet." I admit. "I'll probably have to give a month's notice so I'll have some time to see what's out there."

As I clear away the takeaway containers and open another can of beer I ponder a question to Bodie and then wish I hadn't.

"I wonder who Cowley will partner you with."

It's too painful for Bodie to even contemplate yet though it has clearly crossed his mind. My leaving not only affects my life it affects his too. He stares into the distance and just says "Yeah." He looks suddenly tired as his late night and the activity of the day starts to catch up with him but declines my offer for him to stay over for another night.

"Thanks mate, but I really need to get home and into some decent clothes." Bodie smiles, gesturing to the T shirt and tracksuit bottoms I've lent him.

"Well, if you will go out in the rain and end up serenading me and reciting poetry in the wee small hours."

"Oh God," He exclaims." Is that what I was doing? I can't remember a thing after I was thrown out of the Hope and Anchor." He gets up to leave and I follow him to the door.

"That reminds me," I smile. "Do you know who wrote a poem that goes something like this 'What is this life if full of care…"

"We have no time to stand and stare?" Bodie finishes. "Yeah, a chap called W.H. Davies. Why?"

"Just came into my head when I was away. It seemed very apt for the way I was thinking and feeling."

"He was Welsh, you know." Bodie throws in knowledgeably as he opens the door and steps outside.

"You never cease to amaze me."

"All part of my charm. I'll see you Monday."

"Yeah mate, see you Monday." I watch my partner shuffle off down the street, deep in thought.

Bodie and I make a sorry sight sitting before Cowley's desk as our boss enters the room with gusto. Bodie's barely spoken since we arrived in the car park at the same time a few minutes earlier filling me with last minute doubts about whether I'm doing the right thing but deep in my heart I know that if things are to change for me then I am.

"Gentlemen! I hope the break finds you refreshed and raring to go!" Cowley sits down opposite us. He looks from me to Bodie and then back at me again.

"My, my! Is this that Monday morning feeling or the post holiday blues! Or both!" His eyes flit back and forth between us, puzzlement at our subdued demeanour creeping into his face. The very second I rise from my seat and reach inside my jacket pocket so Bodie leaps from his to stalk to the other side of the room. He leans broodily against the filing cabinet.

"I need to give you this, Sir." I lean across and hand Cowley a slim white envelope. His eyes drift to Bodie, baffled and then at me again.

"Doyle?"

"It's my resignation, Sir."

"Your resignation!" he exclaims staring at the envelope in disbelief. At this Bodie leaves the room closing the door loudly behind him. All hope that I would reconsider my decision has gone. I close my eyes for a second and when I open them Cowley is still staring at the envelope in his hands.

"Well well, this is a surprise. Can I ask what's brought about such a decision?" Cowley glances towards the door.

"No,no,its nothing to do with Bodie, 're fine." I answer his concern. "It's more about getting a better work/life balance. I feel I've reached a point in my life when I need to consider my future."

Cowley begins to recover from his shock and leans back in his chair as the makings of a small but rare smile begins to appear on his face.

"As I say, this is a surprise but maybe it's a decision I hoped you'd make." He sees my look of alarm. "Oh no, I don't want to lose you, don't think that for a second. You and Bodie have exceeded all my hopes when I paired you up. You've made a damn fine team. But I want you to have the chance of a proper family life, the likes of which I have never allowed myself the time to have. I have always appreciated that C.I.5 rather holds you back in this respect."Cowley leans forward to rest his head on his closed fists.

"Have you given any thought as to what you will do by way of employment?"

"No, Sir, not yet. I want to spend some time weighing up my options. I don't want to rush into the first job I see."

Cowley nods in agreement." I'll be sorry to see you go, Doyle and I wish you every success."

"Thank you, Sir."

"I take it that this hasn't gone down well with Bodie." He nods towards the door.

"No, Sir." I reply sadly.

Cowley gazes at me thoughtfully. "You'd normally be expected to work out a months notice but in order to remove the sticking plaster quickly so to speak, for Bodie's sake,and, with your agreement of course, I could let you go at the end of the week. It's entirely your decision."

For a moment I am siezed by mild panic. This is all happening so fast and I don't know whether I have even got used to the idea of leaving myself. What am I going to do? What sort of job will I do? Is this really going to make me happy? Is this really what I want?

"Doyle?" Cowley's concerned tone breaks through my thoughts.

"…..erm?…. Yes, Sir, that's fine.I'll leave on Friday."

"You're sure?"

"Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir."

"Good. Well, I'll make the necessary arrangements this end concerning your pay etc." Cowley gets to his feet as I leave my seat and extends his hand to me.

"This is a sad day, Doyle, a sad day indeed but I hope your new life brings you everything you wish for. You'll join me here for a farewell drink on Friday, you and Bodie?"

"I'd like that, Sir." I shake his hand warmly.

"Good. Now go and find that partner of yours as I have a spot of stakeout work for you both to ease you back in gently."

I turn to head for the door but then swing round to face Cowley again.

"Sir? What's going to happen to Bodie?"

He detects the concern in my voice.

"I shall have to place him with another agent, I suppose. That's not going to be easy. He still has somewhat of a fearsome unpredictable reputation. You always brought out the best in him, Doyle. You knew how to handle him. But don't worry, I'll look after him."

"I hope you do Sir, I hope you do."I reply with concern and then head off to find my partner.

I had become vaguely aware that Bodie had slipped silently away from Cowley's office towards the end of an impromptu gathering to mark my leaving from C.I.5. I had expected just Bodie and myself to attend farewell drinks with Cowley but arrived to find several other agents there together with Sally and Betty, Cowley's secretaries. Bodie had drifted to the other side of the room to talk to Murphy about an assignment they were both being sent on on Monday to the north of England where the Brayshaw brothers had neen sighted. They were criminals that had brought both Bodie and I to near death in a high speed persuit from which they had escaped and disappeared. My heart had sank a little at the thought that I would no longer play a part in their apprehension, a further reminder that for me everything ended today. The whole day has had a strange feeling about it and there were several times that I found my emotions starting to get the better of me.

As people begin to thin out from the party I scan the room again for Bodie but he's not returned. A few minutes later and it's just Cowley and I and he shakes my hand and wishes me well. I step into the corridor and as I pass the restroom I catch sight of my partner sitting alone at the table staring moodily into a cup of tea cradled in his hands.

"I wondered where you had sloped off to."I say with false brightness and sit down opposite him. He lifts sad eyes to regard me with a face as black as thunder but says nothing.

"I'm going to get off now." I tell him quietly. "You watch your back with the Brayshaws won't you?"

"I'll have to won't I seeing as you won't be there watching it for me." There is a barely contained growl to his voice.

"Bodie…"

The anger that I have felt brewing in him silently all week rises to the surface and he's on his feet and towering over me.

"Oh for God's sake Ray!" he shouts. "You're just being bloody ridiculous! You can't leave, you just can't! You've got no job to go to, Christ you don't even know what you want to do!"

I rise to stand in front of him. "You know why I'm doing this. We've talked about it."

"No, you've talked about it! What I think doesn't seem to matter, you're going to do it anyway."

"Of course it matters but Bodie, it won't change anything. You know I have to go. Do you think this is easy for me, eh? Do you think that in my heart of hearts I really want to go? Don't you think that if there was any other way….." my voice catches in my throat as I fight to keep control. "Don't you think that I've talked myself out of going a hundred times, told myself that I'll stay for another year? But what's the point of that when a year down the track if I'm still alive we'll be having the same conversation."

The fight suddenly ebbs from him, not that it was much of a fight, more a chance to vent his frustration at something he has no control over. He gives me the smallest of smiles and I return it.

"Let me know how you get on with tracking down the Brayshaws."

Bodie nods and I turn to leave as Cowley appears in the doorway alerted by our raised voices. Bodie suddenly reaches out and grabs my arm to pull me roughly against him, his arms encircling me. Cowley observes us both thoughtfully for a fleeting second and is gone. My partner continues to crush the life out of me.

"I'm gonna miss you." He breathes though not without a hint of his usual shyness when dealing with the honesty of his feelings.

"You'll soon get over it," I tell him as he releases me. "I've asked Cowley to give you a leggy blonde female for a new partner."

"Yeah?" Bodie's eyes brighten at the prospect. "Well why didn't you say so earlier, I wouldn't have given you such a hard time! Now get out of here so that I so that I can go and ask Cowley about her!"

I hold his gaze for a moment and then head down the corridor for the last time aware Bodie is standing in the doorway watching me leave. I can't bring myself to turn round for one last time. With tear filled eyes I push through the double doors at the end of the corridor.

Downstairs, as I say goodbye to Fred at security he hands me a package.

"Bodie asked me to give you this," he says, scratching his head. "Can't understand why he didn't give it to you himself."

"Bodie? Thanks Fred. I'll see you around."

"Yeah. Don't be a stranger."

I get into my car and open the paper bag to find it is a copy of the poem I had asked Bodie about. It's neatly printed out in full and mounted in a silver frame. His gift touches me greatly and it's several minutes before my blurred vision clears and I can drive away from the world that has occupied my whole being for the last five years and enter the next.

It's been five days since I walked away from my life at C.I.5. so I am surprised to hear the voice of George Cowley at my door when I press the intercom switch after the buzzer had sounded.

"It's Mr. Cowley. Can I come up?"

"Yes, Sir, of course." I press the button to release the lock, aware that my heart has begun to race. He can only be here for one thing, to bring my greatest fear to fruition. Something has happened to Bodie.

"Doyle?"

I am suddenly conscious that my former boss is standing at the door.

"Sorry Sir, come in , come in."

"You look like you've seen a ghost." he comments with concern as the blood has clearly drained from my face. He suddenly touches my arm. "Oh my boy!" he says urgently. "Bodie's fine, he's fine. Is that what you thought, that I was here to bring you bad news?" The look on my face is all the confirmation he needs.

"I'm sorry, I should have called to say I was coming." Cowley settles himself on the sofa. " No, no, Bodie and Murphy found the Brayshaw brothers. Unfortunately there was an altercation and Thomas Brayshaw was killed. Unfortunate but no great loss the world. Bodie says he will call round to see you this evening. No doubt he'll fill you in on all the details."

I breathe out slowly and gather my composure.

"Is it too early for a scotch, Sir?" I offer.

"If it's pure malt then it's never too early!"

As I fill two glasses wondering why he's here Cowley has already read my mind.

"You're wondering what I'm doing here." he states taking the tumbler of whisky from me. "Can I ask if you have secured yourself employment yet?"

"No, Sir, but I'm almost certain I shall apply to rejoin the police force again."

"Oh." Cowley sounds disappointed.

"It's something I enjoyed before C.I.5 and the hours would be more suitable which, as you'll appreciate are a priority for me."

Cowley nods thoughtfully. "I'll come straight to the point, Doyle. For some time now I've realised that C.I.5 has far outgrown the original organisation I formed. A sad reflection on our society these days. I can't do it on my own any more, much as I hate to admit it.I need someone to help me run it, to take some of the increasing pressure off me. I thought that person could be you."

"Me Sir?" I can scarcely believe what he appears to be offering.

"I don't know if it's something you'd be interested in," he continues. " But you've a good useful background in the police force and five years in C.I.5. You would need to understand that you will be privy to certain classified sensitive and often top secret information that will be for your ears and eyes only but I know I can count on your discretion. I like to involve myself in some of the fieldwork at times, you could too if you wanted. I wouldn't want you to think you'd be stuck at a desk all day. You are highly respected amongst the other agents. You would help me in my responsibilities to them and be involved behind the scenes. To be honest, Doyle, I couldn't want for a better man than yourself."

"I don't know what to say, Sir."

"Just tell me you'll give it some thought. I would hope to tailor it as far as possible to your needs. I have always wanted you to have a proper family life, something I never got round to having so I will do my best to accommodate you. I'd like a family life for Bodie too but something tells me that might be a long way off for him yet!" Cowley smiles, sipping his scotch.

"If I take the job does this mean I'll be able to boss Bodie around?" I smile back.

"Unfortunatly not, that pleasure will still belong to me!"

Even as Cowley is speaking I know without question that I will take the position he is offering. I never wanted to leave his organisation but if he can provide a way for me to combine a job and a better social life then it would seem to be the ideal solution. However there is something niggling at the back of my mind, or rather, someone. Bodie. When I glance up at Cowley again I find him smiling warmly at me.

"You know," he says softly, swallowing the last of his drink and refusing another. "He really shouldn't come into any decision you make but your loyalty and respect for Bodie makes me sure I have offered the right man the job.

"It's just that…." I begin, feeling a rush of colour flood my face.

"He's important to you. I know that but you needn't worry what he's going to think about this. He was in my office yesterday annoying me as usual on a particularly stressful day with the phone ringing non stop etc. when he said it looked like I could do with some help. I snapped at him, asking him if he was offering!"

I smile at this. Paperwork and Bodie don't really get on.

"He said no he wasn't," Cowley continues,"but that Doyle would do a good job. He couldn't have known I was going to approach you. And he still doesn't, by the way. "

Cowley gets to his feet and heads towards the door. "As I say, give my proposal some thought and don't feel obligated to accept. If it's not for you then that's fine."

"It is for me, Sir. I'd like to accept."

Cowley spins round sharply. "Already? Are you sure?"

"Yes, Sir. I couldn't be more sure."

Cowley could not look more pleased and extends his hand to me. "Welcome back to CI.5. Doyle," he grins at me. "I'm sure you'll be very happy."

"I'm sure I will too, Sir. I also know someone else who will be pretty happy too."

"Aye, well, I'll leave you to tell him about it. Are you happy to start back with us on Monday?"

"Yes, Sir, that's fine."

"Good, I'll see you there then."

When Cowley leaves I feel the weight of all my concerns and uncertainties drain from me and I prepare to welcome in a new phase of my life both personally and in C.I.5.