This is a story written for this picture: http:/patchedfox(dot)deviantart(dot)com/#/d4gm93j
This artist is awesome so I felt like I should show some love! Thanks so much for taking the time to read this little one shot.
Tim would have laughed if Alfred hadn't looked so serious. He quickly thought of all the reasons Alfred could have for saying what he said, 90% of the reasons were a joke and the other 8% was a secret code, 0.2% was that he was serious, while the last 1.8% was for marginal error. Joking was out; Alfred's sense of humor wasn't that cruel. So what secret code was he supposed to glean from, "My Little Pony or Nyan cat"?
"I'm sorry Alfred but could you repeat that?" Maybe he had misheard him.
"Master Tim, I asked you whom you would prefer, My Little Pony's Rainbow Dash or Nyan Cat?" As to emphasize his demented point he held up a bag for each choice.
Could it be a code about Cat woman and some new form of horse themed evil? And why would he be using code anyways? Could Wayne Manor be bugged? His paranoia was acting up again as he eyes flittered to all the shadows and nooks where a bug or camera could be hidden.
Alfred didn't miss a beat, "This is not a code Master Tim. I am simply asking you which one you would prefer. Master Bruce is hosting a Halloween party for children with cancer and it requires that all of you be dressed for the occasion."
Okay, Bruce hosting a gala is normal, but…"What do you mean by 'all of you' and 'dressed for the occasion' Alfred?"
Alfred took a deep long suffering breath, "I mean what I said. All of you means, you, Master Dick, Master Todd, Mistress Stephanie, and of course Master Damien. Dressed for the occasion means you must all be dressed in non-scary Halloween costumes so that you do not scare the children."
Tim snickered unable to hold back this one gem of wit, "Better get Damien a mask that covers his entire head or the children will be running for the hills after one look at his face."
A sudden shift in air currents behind him had Tim subtly shifting his weight to the balls of his feet in preparation for what he was sure to be a sudden and brutal or annoying attack. "Is that what you did to all the females Drake?"
So he had chosen to go with annoying, Tim preferred that over a grenade any day. "That's a good idea Brat, maybe if I have any unwanted suitors I'll just stick close to you and you'll scare them off for me like a good little psychopath."
"I'm not a psychopath; I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research Drake." Damien said with a sneer that turned his young ten year old face into the face of a 45 year old psychopath.
"Oh I did my research. That right there is a demonstration of a delusion." Tim shot back while getting his hands ready to deflect whatever violent action Damien would rebuttal with.
Tim took a millisecond in his head to gloat over how he was right as he blocked a round kick aimed at his floating ribs. The fight would have escalated further if not for a quiet and very proper clearing of the throat. They both turned to look at Alfred.
"Boys, while I know you must fulfill your roles as sibling rivals, I would appreciate if you could do it after you choose your costumes for the gala and away from a 1000 year old Ming dynasty vase that Master Bruce is particularly fond of."
"What costumes Pennyworth?" Damien asked, his suspicious tone hiding his inkling of fear that the words 'costumes' invoked. 'Costumes' was never a good thing when mixed with the word 'gala'. Last time it included dressing up in all pink for a gala intended to raise money for breast cancer research. He was even forced to wear a pink cape and top hat. Pennyworth wasn't kidding when he promised Father he would have Damien properly dressed for the occasion.
"You young masters have the choice of Rainbow Dash or Nyan Cat." Alfred repeated.
Damien could swear he saw manic glee hiding behind the stout English man's face. "Am I supposed to know what those are?" he asked with a scowl.
His scowl only deepened when Drake started to chuckle. "Do your research Damien. Alfred, aren't there any other choices?"
"I'm afraid not Master Tim. Master Dick, Master Todd and Miss Stephanie have already chosen their costumes and these are the last ones left from the ones that Master Bruce picked out."
Tim looked at Alfred with clear suspicion written on his face. "Bruce picked these out?"
Before the butler could answer a horrible and familiar sound ripped through the air. Tim turned to see Damien had pulled his phone out and was now staring at it in horror as the Nyan Cat song played at full blast. "Oh god! What is the point of this?" Damien shouted as the song just kept looping. It looked like he had found the ten hour loop.
"There is no point." Tim said not even bothering to keep his smile from his face as he watched Damien try to comprehend and give purpose to the bastard child of the internet and 4chan.
Damien looked up just long enough to send his best Batman glare his way before quickly typing something else into his phone.
Tim turned back to Alfred, determined to get to the bottom of this. Why would Bruce personally pick out such horrendous costumes? Was there something he wasn't getting?
Just as he was about to question Alfred farther Damien pushed past him and grabbed the bag with the Nyan cat costume inside. As he stalked to the door he turned just before exiting, "Beware, I know where you sleep and where you keep your tea Pennyworth. Someone will pay dearly for this." With a final soul withering glare he stomped from the room.
Tim blinked a second before coming to a horrifying realization. "Wait, does this mean I have to wear the Rainbow Dash costume?"
Alfred couldn't hold back his smile anymore. He wasn't afraid of Damien's threat, Damien may know all that but only Alfred could cook Damien's food the way he liked it. Plus that was pretty tame compared to the stuff that Miss Stephanie and Master Todd had threatened. Turning his smile on Master Tim he replied, "I'm afraid so Master Tim. Be ready at 6 and have fun."
He handed the bag into Tim's limp grip and turned to go find a new place to store his tea.
Never before had Damien had such a hard time not killing someone. Someone was going to pay for this humiliation, even his Father could not expect to escape unscathed. He was standing on a stage with a wooden back drop of a cloudy night surrounded by pumpkins dressed as a grey cat with a rainbow cape. He was the horrendously pointless demon known as 'Nyan cat'.
He calmed himself from grabbing the nearest butter knife and going on a killing spree that would put the Joker and his grandfather combined to shame by reminding himself that it was the lesser of two evils. He physically shuddered at the thought of wearing the 'My Little Pony' suit. He refused to be dressed as a rainbow horse who promoted friendship. Refused.
A sadistic smirk curled across his face in a way that would make the Grinch proud as he spotted Drake in said costume standing miserably over to the side trying to hide unsuccessfully behind a potted plant. His amusement faded as yet another flash went off as some stupid insipid reporter took yet another picture.
He was about to shove that camera in a very uncomfortable place when a voice boomed across the room over the speakers. "Would the Hosts of this event please join young Mister Wayne up on the stage for a group picture?"
Damien frowned. What was going on? His frown soon turned into an evil smile so sinister that he was sure that was the reason several children had run off screaming as slowly four people made their way to stand next to him on stage. Dick was the first one up; he was dressed as SpongeBob SquarePants.
Dick saw the smile and whispered through gritted teeth, "Don't say a word or you will never go on patrol with me again."
The next one up was the infamous Jason Todd himself. He was still dressed in his customary red but instead of a red hood he was covered in red fur from head to toe. He was Elmo from Sesame Street.
Like Dick he decided to let his feelings be known in muted whispers on his way up the steps. "Not a single hub cap or tire will be left on a single tire in all of Gotham. Then I'll melt them all down and make a giant crowbar which I will then use to smash in all the reporter's cameras and skulls…"
Next up was Stephanie. Damien had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. She was dressed as ballerina fairy princess. With rainbow wings, a tiara and a wand that flashed rainbow lights. "Oh I'll show them graceful. I'll gracefully shove this wand up their…"
Tim came up last. He said nothing but Damien could see the wheels turning, a bit slowly, in his head and knew that he would not take this lying down anymore than they would.
Finally they were all standing on the stage, trying to grin and bear it and not commit mass murder when Vicki Vale herself shouted, "Cheese!" and with a flash that could blind Superman took the picture.
Bruce Wayne sat behind his desk at Wayne Enterprises and looked at the front page of the newspaper and saw his protégés 'smiling' up at him. He could see the thinly hidden homicidal rage on each of their faces and their smiles had more teeth than warmth but it was exactly what he needed. He took a quick picture of it with his phone and texted it to Clark Kent with the caption, "I win. You owe me $10."
Sure he would have to watch his back for the next month or year after this. Maybe even for the next couple of years with Tim and Damien. But it was worth it. He had done what they had all claimed was impossible. Then again it was just another 'impossible' task for the God Damn Batman. He would have to reward Alfred handsomely though…and replace all that tea that was found floating in the Wayne fountain…