If you want to read a better-formatted version, please go to my Fanfiction Livejournal theblackmonster.
A/N: This is set after Parasite, so spoilers for that. And it's taken from Claude's POV basically. Eh, I don't really know what else to say other than check the warnings.
Disclaimer: I don't own Heroes.
Warnings: Slash, Implied Incest, Character Death. The pairing in this is Peter/Claude, although Peter/Nathan and Peter/Sylar are implied.
Lost Myself
He expects to find Peter on the tops of mountains, watching as the sky turns from pale blue into navy, clouds passing overhead, and stars reflecting in his eyes. Or even sitting on a beach somewhere, bare feet in the sand, breeze blowing the hair off of his face, and gazing out into the sea.
Peter is all of those things, he is not the land in any way.
There is something about Peter that is more like the sky or the ocean and sea than anyone else could ever hope to be. He is all of the possibilities held within a dream and all of the dreams held within a land that could never begin to achieve them. He is something beyond the boundaries that the land governs.
The land is solid and unyielding, while the sky and ocean are endless and free.
More than anything else Peter has the ability to be free.
He finds Peter in the desert.
Peter is not meant to be the desert.
The desert is as endless as the oceans and skies are, but just as unyielding as the land. It holds no possibilities within it, all of them having left long ago. Hope evaporates as water does and dreams turn to dust within the desert.
It is cracked and dry and desolate and broken.
The sun is harsh and blinding overhead, no clouds or stars in sight, and the sky is a sickly, murky kind of blue. The ground is cracked beneath his feet and dust seems to coat everything when, and if, the wind blows. The wasteland in front of him stretches on for miles and miles.
The man standing before him is not the same as the one he knew before.
His hair is even longer now, this time falling just below his shoulders, moving in whatever direction the wind chooses. His eyes are darker and colder in the sunlight, far too hollow and old looking for a face still so young.
The man before him is barely even a man before him.
He looks to those eyes again, the innocence once held within them now long gone, taking with it everything of freedom and hope, leaving only a vacant black in return. There is nothing within them anymore. Nothing of the light or even really of the dark.
Just empty.
Empty and broken.
"But still alive."
He blinks as dust flies into his eyes and looks toward the sun. When he turns his gaze from the sun Peter is facing away from him, head tilting downward, eyes toward the ground. From this distance it barely even looks like Peter is alive. He could almost be a shadow in the sunlight.
"You can see me then?"
Peter doesn't turn around to face him, but he does straighten, moving his head to look out in front of him instead of to the ground.
"No, but I can hear your heart beating."
He ignores how disturbing the sentence actually sounds and how calm Peter is in stating this.
They stand perfectly still for a few moments before he clenches his fists and a small growl erupts in his throat. He drops the invisibility for once, moving quickly to remove the distance separating himself and Peter, only to find himself unable to move a few feet away from him.
"Why are you here?"
The words that come from Peter seem impossibly quiet to him, almost as if he is not even meant to hear them in the first place, and the sky seems to darken considerably.
"I've come to bring you back. I've come to bring you home."
Peter whirls around to face him, dark hair briefly falling into dark eyes before it moves behind him, without Peter or the wind touching it. Those dark eyes seem to fill with something then, although he can't really tell just what exactly it is, though he knows he has seen it within them before.
"You've come... to bring me home?" Peter asks softly.
He nods and knows the word 'home' feels strange and foreign on both of their tongues.
Peter laughs at this suddenly and he flinches at the noise. It comes off far too harshly, too abrasive and hysterical at the edges. The sound more of a sob than laughter has ever sounded to him.
As suddenly as the laughter starts it stops.
"Why?" Peter asks just as softly as before, turning away from him again.
He opens his mouth to speak, but then suddenly decides against it and closes it. He had sought Peter out for only one reason to begin with, but he had always thought about it. Always wondered what would happen if he had ever freely decided to try and find Peter.
He breathes out slowly, a memory flooding into his mind.
Two men stand on either side of him, using their arms to keep him from escaping the room, holding him in place. A man sits behind a desk in front of him, then stands, moving around the desk to stand before him.
"You're a very hard man to track down." He only rolls his eyes in response and the man flashes him something that could almost pass for a reassuring smile, if not for the dark glint held within his eyes. "You know my brother, Peter?" He smirks at this, briefly wondering where the conversation is heading. "I'll take that as a yes. As hard as a man as you are to track down, my brother is an even harder one." His smirk turns into a dark smile and he can't help the mocking laughter that comes from him at this point. "You're the brother. Nathan. So, you've lost him then, is that it? What, the two of you have a little spat and he's left you? Run off with someone else? Got tired of the bowing and submission, did he?" His smile only widens as Nathan's jaw clenches in anger and his eyes narrow, but he can see Nathan trying to breathe through it and calm down. "He's been missing for almost a year now. I've had the best people in the country- Hell, the best people in the world looking for him and they've come up with nothing. You're the only person left who can find him."
His smile slightly fades at this. He had been the one to leave Peter in the first place, the one to turn away from him, but that had been almost a year ago. In all the time that had passed since then he hadn't've thought Peter would've totally disappeared, even from his own brother. "So, you need me." The eyes narrow even further before Nathan nods in agreement at his smug, callous words. His own eyes soften slightly, knowing just how much it takes for Nathan to admit this. "I need you to bring him home." Nathan's eyes slip from anger into something resembling sorrow before quickly becoming withdrawn, no emotions showing within them at all. "I need you to bring him back to me."
He shakes his head, clearing the memory from his mind, and opens his mouth to speak, but doesn't look Peter in the eye as he does so.
"For your brother."
Truthfully he doesn't know whether or not he's bringing Peter back for Nathan or if he's also bringing him back for himself. A part of him doesn't even want to know.
He expects Peter to make some remark about doing Nathan's bidding or something of the sort, but Peter doesn't say a word at all. He hardly even breathes from what he can tell. The entire world seems to quiet at his admission.
The sky only grows darker in the silence.
"Nathan?"
Peter breathes out the name like it's the only thing keeping him afloat in a vast ocean. The only thing holding him up in the void within himself. He says the name like it's the only thing he has left in the world.
Like it's the only thing left of himself.
Peter turns to face him then and the eyes that stare into his own hold a spark within them, a flicker and a flash of life, a possibility of innocence or a possibility of being able to hope once again.
As quickly as the spark is there it vanishes, leaving not a lack of innocence, but the very loss of innocence in them.
Suddenly he can move once again, the momentum of moving toward Peter moments before causing him to stumble and falter. Peter steps forward, moving closer to him as he tries to regain his balance. When he finally does so Peter stands before him, looking into his eyes.
A hand rests on his shoulder, sliding down his arm until fingers wrap around his wrist, pulling him closer as Peter looks down at the ground. He doesn't know what comes over him then, but he uses his free hand to tilt Peter's chin up until their eyes meet.
"Is that the only reason you're here? To bring me back to Nathan? No other reason at all?"
His hand drops to his side, but neither of them look away.
This close to Peter and he can see just how lifeless and empty his eyes are. He can see just how much joy has left them and how guarded and weary of the world he is now. The toll of being who he is finally breaking him down.
He can see perfectly just how broken Peter actually is.
A smile moves over Peter's face then and he steps closer until they're both pressed together. He tries to back away from him, not wanting to become this close to Peter once again, but he can't move. He tries to ignore the fact that while he may not exactly want this, part of him needs this from Peter.
Peter leans into him, tilting his head up, their lips brushing together softly.
Electricity runs through his veins at the contact before Peter pulls away from him, breaking it. He blinks slowly and only then realizes his eyes had been closed the entire time. He can almost see the world spinning around him without the feeling of Peter's lips against his own.
"I'm broken."
Peter looks at him expectantly, waiting for him to confirm his statement, even though they both already know it's true. He only shakes his head in response, a sound of annoyance slipping past his lips.
This isn't the right time for this.
Any of this.
Peter pushes against him and they fall backward, onto the ground, although he doesn't actually feel himself hit the ground. It's more as if he floats to the ground and the only thing he can feel is Peter landing on top of him.
Lips press into his own then and his mouth opens in shock at the feeling of Peter kissing him so aggressively and with such reckless abandon. Peter takes advantage of this, tongue slipping into his mouth and hands sliding under his shirt. Fingers move quickly all over his skin, almost searching for something or trying to feel all that they can at once.
He is the one who breaks the kiss this time, stilling the movement of Peter's hands, and letting Peter rest his head on his shoulder.
"You're broken too," Peter whispers into his neck and when he glances down to look at Peter the eyes that meet his own are dark and brilliant all at the same time. "We're both broken."
Peter kisses him again, softly and more gentle than he had the other previous times. Through the lips against his own and the hands running over his skin he can feel just how much energy Peter contains within himself now. He knows how much Peter wants to move urgently against him and the control it takes for him not to.
He lets his own hands roam over Peter's body, one hand slipping behind his back, pulling them even closer while the other tangles in his hair. It's so incredibly long now and Peter makes an approving noise in the back of his throat when his fingers brush through the hair.
All of their actions cease as he removes his hands from Peter's body, cutting off the contact briefly to bring both of them to rest on Peter's hips. The only sound is that of their breathing, his own sounding far too loud in comparison to the warm breath that falls against his lips from Peter.
He flips the both of them over then, reversing their positions so that he is now above Peter. Part of him knows that the only reason Peter is now below him is because Peter wants it this way.
Peter closes his eyes and turns his head away from him.
"I'm sorry."
He turns Peter's head toward him at the words, kissing him just as gently as Peter had done so with him before, afraid if he presses too hard Peter will simply fade away from him. Peter doesn't open his eyes at all, though, they stay closed even as he pulls away.
He almost makes a move to get up, but a hand quickly encircles his wrist, stopping him.
"Don't go."
Peter still doesn't open his eyes, but he does lean up to kiss him and press against him. The hand around his wrist removes itself, sliding underneath the fabric of his shirt and onto his back, pulling him down closer.
Teeth graze against his lips and blunt fingernails rake across his back and a soft moan slips from his mouth.
"I'm sorry," Peter whispers once again as they lose contact from each other briefly.
"What for?" he asks, no longer really paying attention to anything other than the feeling of Peter against him and fingernails moving across his back, the words becoming lost in the buzzing in his ears.
He can feel Peter shake his head slightly beneath him, though his own eyes aren't open to see him do so.
"Shhh, don't say anything."
The need to question Peter surrounds him, but he can't quite seem to remember how to speak or make a noise at all. Instead he opens his eyes, looking to Peter, and using them as a means to question Peter's words and the meaning behind them.
Peter opens his eyes then, the look on his face completely blank and devoid of any emotion or feeling. He shivers under the look, wanting to leave this place and Peter and never return to either ever again.
The world is cold, the sky is dark, and the stars reflecting in Peter's eyes grow dim.
"I only know how to fix myself."
Blood falls onto Peter's forehead and he understands the meaning of the words more than he ever wants to. He tries to scream and push himself away from Peter as more blood continues to fall, but he can do neither.
He understands the horrible mistake he made in seeking Peter out and in finding him.
Peter pushes him away, standing and brushing the dirt off of himself, but making no movement to wipe the blood off. The world grows dim and red from the blood, and at the edges of his vision he sees a man appear next to Peter.
Arms wrap around Peter's waist and Peter leans into the man as he had done before with him. The man just smiles darkly at Peter's actions, taunting him with the fact that Peter no longer belongs to him in any way at all.
They disappear from his view then, invisibility cloaking them.
"Just close you eyes."
He can tell the words don't come from Peter, but from the man, and he blinks, trying to comprehend what is happening. He can't control himself, though, and his eyes shut without him wanting them to.
"At least now," a voice whispers close to his ear, sounding more like Peter than ever before, even with how menacing the words come off as, "You'll be a part of me forever."
Something snaps in him then, pain flaring briefly before the ground seems to drop out from under him, and he wants to struggle against it, but there is nothing he can do. Everything drifts away completely.
The desert is perfectly silent and calm in the darkness.
A heartbeat fades out and there are no traces of life left.