In Space, No One Can Hear You Tweet
A/N: This story is crack, and silly. Includes talking planets. It roughly follows Capa and the rest of the Icarus II crew on their ill-fated journey into the sun, twitter style. Yep, it's all done in twitter. Due to formatting restrictions, I used 'at' instead of the symbol, and because of laziness and ease for you guys, when there is nothing after 'at' it means the character is talking to themselves. UNSPA stands for... United Nations SPAce program. It isn't real. Unless it's real by chance. Enjoy!
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CapatheRapa at
So... six months on board and everyone still believes I'm a physicist... but I'm a pharmacist, dammit!
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CapatheRapa at
How did anyone ever make that mistake? Pharmacist, physicist – they're totally different!
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CapatheRapa at
And when that guy from UNSPA approached me, talking about a space program, man, I thought he be tripping.
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CapatheRapa at
Tripping hard. As if I'd want to go to space.
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CapatheRapa at
Correction: as if I'd want to go to the SUN.
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CapatheRapa at
He seemed like a cool guy though. Heaps cute chicky-babe on his arm. Guess that hot body talked me into the launch party.
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CapatheRapa at
Launch party, ha! I AM the party. Or I was. Don't feel much like partying up in space...
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CapatheRapa at
...on the way to the sun.
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CapatheRapa at
Never thought it was the party being launched. Into orbit. "Launch", huhn. I'll watch out for that if I ever get home.
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CapatheRapa at
Aw hell. I ain't never going home.
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CapatheRapa at
They say we're going into a communication dead zone. I say we entered the dead zone the second we launched.
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CapatheRapa at CapSis
Hey sis. Uhh. I'm boned!
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CapatheRapa at CapSis
And since this is Earth's last hope, you're boned too!
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CapatheRapa at CapSis
We're all boned!
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CapSis at CapatheRapa
Will you grow up? How the hell have you convinced these people for the past six months that you're not an idiot?
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CapatheRapa at
Aaaaaand the dead zone can't come soon enough.
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CapatheRapa at CapSis
Made you this nice video, sis. Made one for Reddit too but they said it wasn't legit.
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CapatheRapa at
Come on Reddit! Where am I gonna get a copy of today's paper for proof it's me?!
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CapatheRapa at
I'm in FREAKING SPACE!
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CapatheRapa at
Ow. Had another fight with Mace. Our 234th since leaving Earth's orbit. That guy makes ME look smart.
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CapatheRapa at
And this is coming from a guy who accidentally signed up to a spaceship headed for the sun.
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CapatheRapa at
Worst part is that cute chicky-babe ain't even here. Just Cassie and Corazon. Banged them both.
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CapatheRapa at
In my dreams. Sigh. They think/ know I'm scum.
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CapatheRapa at
We got a big problem here! Shield damage! Aw, hell!
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CapatheRapa at
And Mace volunteered me to wear the suit. Sometimes I swear he knows I'm a pharmacist.
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CapatheRapa at
We call it the Suit of Infinite Bling. Whoever wears the suit gets call Dork Knight for the rest of the day.
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CapatheRapa at
I swear Mace calls me Dork Knight one more time I'll punch him into Mercury.
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CapatheRapa at
...wonder if I can actually do that from here...?
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CapatheRapa at
Ha. Told Cassie "Oh I might die out there" while she was helping me put on the suit. Got a very nice hug.
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CapatheRapa at
Dang. This suit is not bonerific. It is not bonerific at all.
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CapatheRapa at Icarus II
Captain Infinite Bling to SPAAAAACE!
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Icarus II at CapatheRapa
How's the situation out there, Capa?
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CapatheRapa at Icarus II
Wow. It's mad awesome. Repairing shields and co man. Hella sweet. I got bling to make Maclemore jealous.
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CapatheRapa at Icarus II
Jks man. The captain totally died out there.
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Icarus II at CapatheRapa
Oh my god!
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CapatheRapa at Icarus II
Yep. Like, POP! Dead. Went up like a moth in a flame.
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CapatheRapa at
Sweet, huh? Everyone feels sorry for me. Got me a milkshake, no one even called me the Dork Knight.
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CapatheRapa at
I take it back. Thanks Mace.
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CapatheRapa at
So all the plants went up in flame. That was our TOTAL ability to manufacture breathable air.
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CapatheRapa at
Seriously dude I designed better spaceships than this POS when I was five years old. And I don't know anything about space.
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CapatheRapa at
I mean, ONE plant facility to help us produce air? ONE? The hell it's even doing? You can't tell me eighteen little plants produce enough ox
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CapatheRapa at
ygen to keep eight people alive. We got ox/nitrogen tanks but no way those plants were keeping us alive.
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CapatheRapa at
Certainly ain't getting us back to Earth.
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CapatheRapa at
...
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CapatheRapa at
Oh s#!t.
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CapatheRapa at
Those honkies aren't planning on bringing us down.
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CapatheRapa at
That's cold, man. Ice cold.
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CapatheRapa at
Okay, been thinking about the situation. Basically, we're screwed. Do I tell the others or let them find out?
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CapatheRapa at
I should have been nicer to Corazon. And Cassie. Wonder if there is time to pull a move?
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
Hey baby. Come to my quarters. I have something for you.
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
Get lost.
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
I swear it isn't what you think.
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
Please. It's been the same thing four times in a row now.
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
It's different now. Promise.
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
You mean it's not your dick in a box?
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
No okay, it's that.
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
NO!
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
Baby! It's different! This time you could help me save the ship! And the Earth!
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
WARNING: You no longer have permission to post to this user's page.
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CapatheRapa at
She blocked me. Witch!
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CapatheRapa at
Icarus I up ahead. We're gonna dock and see what the problem is. I think I know...
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CapatheRapa at
...the people who designed these ships were idiots.
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CapatheRapa at
On board the Icarus I. Captain Genius suggested we should split up. What if there are aliens?
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CapatheRapa at
God damn it, why don't these astronauts appreciate the risks we're taking leaving ourselves open to alien attack?!
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CapatheRapa at
On board half an hour, so far no aliens...
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CapatheRapa at
Communication room! Win!
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CapatheRapa at Icarus I
Icarus I, this is your designer. We've received many troubled messages from y'all concerning our ship's design flaws.
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CapatheRapa at Icarus I
Well I'm here to tell you my ship don't HAVE any design flaws. And neither does my English.
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CapatheRapa at Icarus I
Some have asked why the Icarus I here can fully generate its own oxygen supplies while its successor, the Icarus II, cannot.
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
Stop it you idiot. I can hear you over the comm. I know it's you.
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CaptainmyCaptain at CapatheRapa
Is that true? Hell. We can't generate our own oxygen?!
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CapatheRapa at Icarus I
Nope. Some of you have gone so far as to question the integrity of my big gold shields.
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CapatheRapa at Icarus I
Well I'm telling you they're NOT gold! They're made of pure cocaine! BWHAAHHA!
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CapatheRapa at Icarus I
Nothing blocks sunlight better than cocaine!
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CapatheRapa at Icarus I
Funnily enough, I didn't realise the heat resisting benefits of pure cocaine until I was, ha, off my head on the stuff.
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
X0 idiot! When I find you-!
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CapatheRapa at Icarus I
WARNING all personnel: an alien has been discovered on board. Please be on the lookout for this extremely hostile predator.
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CaptainmyCaptain at CapatheRapa
Holy hell. Please tell me you're joking. About all this.
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CapatheRapa at Icarus I
No jks. Repeat alien is extremely hostile. Calls himself 'Mace'. Is actually an alien in a sub-human host.
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CapatheRapa at Icarus I
You know that movie the Thing? Yeah. Just like that.
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
Found you, you little rat!
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CapatheRapa at Icarus I
ATTENTION ALL PERSONNEL! THE ALIEN HAS BREECHED THE COMMS ROOM!
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
He's here – he's here – Cassie! I wish I'd – agh – banged you. Agh-
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CapatheRapa at
So. That went badly. Just going to find the men's room and wash the blood out of my hair.
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CapatheRapa at
Flushing...
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CapatheRapa at
Hold on a minute.
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CapatheRapa at
This isn't the men's room
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CapatheRapa at
...
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CapatheRapa at
HOLY SHIT I'VE UNCOUPLED THE AIRLOCK
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
IT WASN'T ME I SWEAR
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SpaceMace at Icarus II
Some idiot has blown out the airlock. Repeat, our resident idiot physicist has flushed the airlock.
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SpaceMace at Icarus II
You guys are gonna want to seal off your air supply and try to redock. We'll be back on board soon.
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Icarus II at Icarus I
Sorry kids, no can do. The airlock's outer door is gone. The inner door needs to be open so you can get in.
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Icarus II at Icarus I
Or dock.
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SpaceMace at Icarus II
WHADDAYA MEAN you can't seal the airlock?!
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CaptainmyCaptain at Icarus II
Or dock? Who the hell designed that stupid ship?!
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CapatheRapa at Icarus I
Told you it was cocaine addicts.
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CaptainmyCaptain at Icarus II
Is that Searle out there licking the shield...?
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Icarus II at Icarus I
lolz. The not docking is our fault. We lack the mad pilot skillz to dock.
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CaptainmyCaptain at Icarus II
THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING I EVER HEARD IT'S A SPACESHIP FOR CHRISSAKE HAVE THE COMPUTER DO IT
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Icarus II at Icarus I
Shut up, Captain! What are we, programmers?!
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CaptainmyCaptain at Icarus II
No but you are the PILOT! Cassie!
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SpaceMace at Icarus I
Cool it, guys. Icarus II is losing air. We need to get back so they can let us in and close the lock.
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
Why don't they close the lock now and reopen it when they find a way to dock again?
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
You need to shut up. And by shut up I mean suit up. Into the bling suit, Dork Knight.
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
!Why me!
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
Because you're the prettiest of us all, Dork Knight. Also they only made this suit in chick's sizes.
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
I hate you so much.
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
Srsly dude. I can't even fit my arm in here. In you go. Aw, so sweet.
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
You look so adorable in your tinfoil.
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
Not half as cute as you. Love heart winking face.
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
Just push me into space already.
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SunnySearle at Icarus I
You guys are never going to believe the wonderful time I've had. Oh yeah. It's been sexy. Gorgeous. Colourful.
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CaptainmyCaptain at SunnySearle
Are you serious? You're high? The shield is made of cocaine?
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SunnySearle at Icarus I
Yes. Yes it is.
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SpaceMace at Icarus I
Chest slap, men! Icarus II, space, here we come!
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SunnySearle at Icarus I
Bai, guiz! Like your suits! I'm gonna find something to eat here, kk? Then I'll walk back over, okay?
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CapatheRapa at SunnySearle
Uh, Searle?
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SunnySearle at CapatheRapa
Baiiiii little gold guy!
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SpaceMace at Space
Wheeeeee!
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Icarus I at Icarus II
Lol these guys never gon make it.
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Icarus II at Icarus I
:D Imma take out one of the tinfoil geeks.
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CaptainmyCaptain at Space
AAAAGGGGHHHHHHHH-
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Icarus II at Space
Gimme some flesh, brother.
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Space at Humanity
Rofl. Gotcha!
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
Well that was weird.
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
Is this the time for your bitching? No. It isn't. We barely made it back to the Icarus II alive.
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
Didn't you hear that?
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
No.
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
I swear I heard space tweet.
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
You heard nothing. Nothing! Now shut that airlock!
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CapatheRapa at
So it turns out... that there isn't a saboteur on the ship. I kinda downloaded a virus with that porn and ...
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CapatheRapa at
Needless to say it has munted our very outmoded computer systems. No one else has noticed yet...
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CapatheRapa at
Sis always said porn would be the death of me. I didn't think she meant it would be the death of humanity as well.
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CapatheRapa at
Annnnyway. So Trey died. No blaming him for the whole airlock/ mainframe thing. Maybe I should own up.
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
If I find out you're responsible for the airlock, I will personally strap you to the payload and eject you into the sun.
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
Chill dude. We're ALL strapped to the payload, and we ejected ourselves into the sun. Remember that? The launch?
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
Oh right.
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CapatheRapa at
...I'm going to say it was a saboteur. A stowaway. From the oxygen garden – no – from space – no...
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CapatheRapa at
Got it!
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CapatheRapa at Icarus II
Guys you are never going to believe this. There is a stowaway on board. Our saboteur, methinks.
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
It was you, wasn't it?
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
No it was not. Agh! Look, here he is now! In the observation room! Aggghhh! Oh my god it's that guy from the Icarus I!
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
Not Pinbacker!
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
Sure, he'll do. Aggghhh! Man he puts up a fight! Ow! Ow! He stabbed me! Oh damn, he's locked me in the airlock!
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
Ohmygod bro, I'll come help you! Are you okay?
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CassieCat at SpaceMace
Don't tell me you believe this idiot.
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
I'm coming for you Dork Knight!
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
Oh my god. I hate you. Oh my god, I hate you so much.
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CapatheRapa at
Hey, at least I'll be safe from Mace in here, right? I broke the lock so he can't get in. Ha. Sucker.
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
Winky face. Hey, what's up with the mainframe? It's all out of the water. Tell me that ain't right.
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Icarus II at SpaceMace
No! That isn't right! That's why the systems are malfunctioning! Quick, submerge it in the coolant!
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HeartsonCorazon at Icarus II
Everybody! I found a plant! Maybe it's enough to supply oxygen for everyone for the journey back to Earth!
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
Jesus Christ I can't believe she still thinks we're going back to Earth.
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
I for one would love to go back to Earth. Live, little plant!
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CassieCat at HeartsonCorazon
Hear that, Corazon? Capa is after your plant.
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CassieCat at HeartsonCorazon
Corazon?
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
I don't know what the Pinbacker did to the mainframes, but Imma have to get into the coolant to fix it. Is that safe?
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
Sure. Go for it.
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
Smiley face. Cool thanks bro.
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
No worries my friend.
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CapatheRapa at
Pfffffffft lol!
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
Sheesh! It's cold! Are you sure this is safe?
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
Positive. Hey, do you know any way I could say, get out of the airlock?
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
So... cold. I feel like Captain America. Ugh.
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
Srsly dude hurry up there's like hardly any air in here.
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
Ugh. Leg trapped. Dying. Try...the... bling... suit...soldering...iron.
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
...
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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa
Capa... you must... be... the Dork Knight. Forever.
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
Mace?
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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace
Mace! Mace, answer me!
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
Capa? I can't detect Mace's lift signs. I think he's gone.
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
That doesn't make any sense, Cassie! He's on a SPACESHIP! Where would he go?
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
He's DEAD, you jerk! Like we're all DEAD! We're all going to DIE, Capa! Don't you understand that!
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
Omg chill. You're freaking me out. It's making harder to put on this bling suit.
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
I'm serious! You and I and the saboteur are the only ones left alive, Capa!
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
Yeah. About the saboteur...
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
Holy hell! He's in here! The saboteur – Capa, help!
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
Wut.
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
Oh my god, Capa! Help me! Help me! HELP ME YOU IDIOT!
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
Bitch you be trippin. There ain't no saboteur.
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
He's here, I'm telling you he's here! Capa! You have to make sure the payload reaches the sun! You have to-
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
Jks dude. I invented the saboteur, okay? So really, just chill out.
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
It's okay if you don't reply. I know you're mad. I've gotten through the door now. I'm going to check the payload, okay?
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CapatheRapa at
Man she is going to be so mad when I tell her I'm a pharmacist.
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CapatheRapa at
And don't know anything about nuclear physics.
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CapatheRapa at
Seriously. Less than nothing. What I know about physics couldn't fill a hydrogen atom.
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
Cassie, this is really getting beyond a joke. Okay? I'm in the payload, all right? And I still don't see you.
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CapatheRapa at Icarus II
Hey, ship's computer, help me out? Eject this payload into the sun and turn this baby back to Earth?
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CapatheRapa at Icarus II
No?
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CapatheRapa at
Aw, hell.
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Space at theSun
You gonna get these guys, man?
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theSun at Space
Yeah it's cool I've got it.
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theSun at Space
lol look at this little guy freaking out. He's not even really a physicist.
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Space at theSun
I know right. How on Earth did anyone make that mistake?
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Earth at Space
Come on guys, it wasn't my fault. I can't keep track of every human on me. Do you know how many of them there are?
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theSun at Earth
You want me to get rid of these two excess ones for you? Might help.
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CapatheRapa at Space
I really wish I couldn't hear you guys tweeting.
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theSun at Space
Hey, you hear that? Maybe this little guy is psychic.
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Mercury at CapatheRapa
Hi Capa, Mercury here. We met briefly earlier. You may remember me as the smartest planet in the solar system.
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CapatheRapa at Mercury
Not really. Just the smallest.
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Mercury at CapatheRapa
Uh huh. So what you're going to do is, you're going to manually decouple the payload.
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CapatheRapa at Mercury
I have no idea how to do that.
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theSun at Mercury
lol bro why you helping him?
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Mercury at theSun
Because if you cool down enough you'll expand and envelope me. And that would be bad.
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Mercury at CapatheRapa
Okay Capa, now you will see a button there in front of you. Press the button. This will decouple the payload.
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CapatheRapa at Mercury
Seems too easy. Done.
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Mercury at CapatheRapa
Of course it's easy. It's only nuclear physics.
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CapatheRapa at Mercury
Cool. :D Thanks buddy.
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Mercury at CapatheRapa
No issue at all my friend. Say, how heat resistant would you say you are?
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CapatheRapa at Mercury
Uhh...
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Mercury at CapatheRapa
Like, good for 15.7 million degrees Kelvin?
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CapatheRapa at Mercury
Um?
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Mercury at CapatheRapa
I mean, that's the temperature of the sun's core. You're gonna need to pass through it to get back to Earth.
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Mercury at CapatheRapa
THAT'S HOW THIS WORKS, RIGHT?! I DIDN'T JUST SEND A MAN INTO THE SUN FOR NOTHING, RIGHT?!
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CapatheRapa at Mercury
Oh my god this has just been the worst day of my life.
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CapatheRapa at Earth
I swear if I ever get back to you I will never drink or ingest mind altering substances again.
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CapatheRapa at Earth
Or have such mind-blowingly hot sex that I black out for several days.
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CapatheRapa at Earth
Actually scratch that last one. I will definitely do that. I will do a lot of that.
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
Surprise, sweetheart.
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
Cassie! You're alive! Where are you?
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
Right over here. On the payload. See? I'm waving!
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
Hey yeah. I see you. :D Who's that guy with you? That... burnt... guy?
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
Oh him? This is Pinbacker.
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BurntPinbacker at CapatheRapa
Yo. Sup?
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
Are you mad? He was really on the ship? Don't you know that means he killed Corazon?!
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
I don't care. He's my new boyfriend and I love him. He said he would never give me his dick in a box.
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CapatheRapa at PinStabBacker
You have got to be freaking kidding me.
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
I'm not. He really said that.
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
He doesn't even have a dick! He's just burnt bits! Look at him!
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
He is not! He's lovely, and when he holds my hand I feel like we have a whole day of oxygen left rather than the several minutes' worth whic
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
h are actually distributed around this enormous empty space. Look, see?
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CapatheRapa at CassieCat
AGGGGHHH you just pulled all the skin off his arm!
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
AGGGGGGGGH that's SO GROSS!
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Space at BurntPinbacker
lol.
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theSun at CapatheRapa
Okay dude, we all know how this is gonna end. Said your final prayers?
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CapatheRapa at theSun
No! I want to go home!
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theSun at CapatheRapa
Oh you crazy kids, you make me laugh. Home! Ha! Ya ready? I'm gonna eatcha!
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CassieCat at CapatheRapa
AGGGGHHHHH
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CapatheRapa at theSun
GOD DAMMIT SUN you unreliable son of a bitch! This payload better kick your ass into gear!
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theSun at CapatheRapa
Or what? You'll fly another ship into me? Full of tasty, tasty humans? I'm terrified, really.
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theSun at Icarus II
*Gulp*
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theSun at
Erp. Dem bombs. Them spicy bombs. I have a feeling I'm gonna be up all night.
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CapatheRapa at theSun
Um. Sun? You just ate me, and I'm still alive.
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theSun at CapatheRapa
lol dude. Jks on you. That bling suit makes you fully sun resistant. I have a feeling you're gonna love it here.
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theSun at CapatheRapa
We have a great bar and sporting facilities. Also plenty of hawt babes, breathable air and opium dens for your personal use.
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CapatheRapa at theSun
Wow, really?
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theSun at CapatheRapa
lol. No.
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CapatheRapa at theSun
Oh fu
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HeartsonCorazon at SpaceMace
Mace, don't you think it's about time?
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SpaceMace at HeartsonCorazon
For what? Pulling Capa off the shield?
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HeartsonCorazon at SpaceMace
Yeah. He's been licking it for a while now. He didn't even notice when the Captain came back.
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SpaceMace at HeartsonCorazon
I say we leave him. He looks like he's having fun.
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HeartsonCorazon at SpaceMace
Your call. Say. What's that shield made out of, anyway?
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A/N: Maybe worth mentioning, but probably not, is that by writing this story I actually began to appreciate Sunshine a lot more for what it was. I did a bit of reading for it to ensure it was accurate (plot excepting), and realised that the movie is quite good and makes a lot of sense, right down to the ridiculously bad spaceship design. The gold suit though? I got nothing. This is Captain Infinite Bling, signing out to SPPPPAAACE! R&R if you have a soul. :)