Fighting A Godly God Of Truth
Author's notice: Mass Effect 1 through 3 from Commander Shepard perspective. Pure Crack. These isn't meant to be taken seriously at all. Just seeing how bad of a story I can possibly write.
I am Commander Shepard, age 29, British, french and Chinese. I sat in the kitchen drinking a bottle of whiskey. I hear the intercom calling my name, they are always calling my name. I stand up and threw the empty bottle at the wall. Shards of glass flew everywhere. The janitor can clean it up.
What?
Did they expect me to clean my shit up? I'm the muthafucking Commander Shepard of the System alliance and soon to be first human spectre.
I sprinted towards the cockpit where Joker and that faggot, Kaiden were. As I sprinted forward, the door refused to open for Commander Shepard. But I have a back up plan.
"FUCK DOORS!" I shouted as I did a biotic charge towards the metal opening contraption. I plowed through like it was toilet paper.
"AAARRRRRHHHH." The pussies screamed in fear. They just can't handle my manliness.
"Commander Shepard! What the fuck! Man!" Joker a.k.a the crippled boy yelled at me.
"The door refused to open for me, Commander Shepard like it was retarded or something." I told like a badass. "Are you retarded or something you, crippled?" I asked.
"Fuck you dickwad. At least I know how to fly a ship." At least the crippled could do something. I looked at the russian a.k.a Kaiden Alenko, who stared at me with his dumbass glare.
"Anderson and Nihlus want you in the war room Commander Shepard." He said like a dumbass.
"Then what I'm wasting my time with you faggots?" I asked as I walked away towards the war room.
As I walked down the hall, the war room door decided to open for me. It must have heard what happened to its brethren. I decide to let it leave.
For now.
As I entered the war room I see Captain Anderson and that pussy, Nihlus already there.
"Commander Shepard, are you ready for your training to be the first human spectre?" Anderson asked. I smiled back, he took it as a yes. "Good. You must retrieve a prothean beacon located somewhere on Eden Prime."
"Okay. What's the catch?" I asked as I readied my weapons for whatever threat there might be.
"No catch. Just go in, get the beacon and comeback." Nihlus replied to me.
"That's it? A five year old with retardism could get that done with ease. What? Are all Spectres a bunch of pussies?" I asked looking at the turian, who just gave me a pussy-ass glare. "Thought so." Suddenly, the monitor turned on. A recording of a bunch of robots killing a bunch of nobodies. I smiled in glee; today's my lucky day.
"The geth! Here! On Eden Prime! Impossible!" Nihlus screamed like a pussy.
"The hell are you fuckers talking about?" I asked.
"The geth are a race of robots built by the quarians. But they betrayed them and forced the quarians into exile." That pussy, Nihlus replied.
"Serve them right, those fucking dirt pirates." I told to them.
"Commander Shepard, get your squad ready and head into a shuttle." Anderson told me. I nodded deceptively. Commander Shepard didn't need a squad, but if it will back that british nigga happy then I'll do it.
I walked out of the war room. That pussy Nihlus decided to follow me like the pussy he is.
"Kaiden Alenko, Private Jenkins, come with me and ready yourself for battle." I demanded of the two retards sitting at the table drinking their retarded ass Kool Aid and shit.
We suited up and got inside the shuttle. I wore a full set of N7 armor, carried an N7 pistol and shotgun. Kaiden was wearing blue med armor and carried a pistol and assault rifle. Jenkins was clad in light black armor and carried a pistol. Nihlus was clad in black spectre armor and carried a pistol and battle rifle.
We went inside the shuttle and flew towards Eden Prime. As we touched ground we all jumped out of the shuttle. The shuttle flew away.
I looked around, no geth was in view. Those tinbags were probably hiding for an ambush. But Commander Shepard doesn't get ambushed, he's the one who ambushes.
"There doesn't seem to be any Geth nearby." Kaiden said like a dumbass. And while it may appear there are no geth to a dumbass like Kaiden, but I can sense there presence.
"Hold up Kaiden." I ordered, the dumbass stopped in his tracks. "Jenkins scout ahead." I ordered towards the private. He did what I told him to do.
"Commander Shepard. I'm gonna scout ahead." That Pussy Nihlus told me. He probably just wanted out of the action.
"Sure whatever." I told him. I didn't want my team hold down by a pussy. The pussy ran off like a pussy.
Suddenly a bunch of geth bees popped out of rocks and decided to attack Jenkins. The Dumbass started to wave his arms around like the dumbass he was.
"We have to help him!" Kaiden screamed and tried to help the dumbass, but I stopped him.
"No, Commander Shepard doesn't help anyone who's a pussy, retard or faggot." I told him.
A few seconds later, Jenkins was dead. The robot bees decided to go after us now, but we wiped out our pistols and shot them each with one shot.
"Commander Shepard? What should we do about Jenkins' body?" That dumbass, Kaiden Alenko.
"Leave it here to rot. Retards like him don't deserve their own funeral." I told and we ran off towards the beacon.
As we sprinted towards the beacon. I could see what a young lady be attacked by Geth. I did a biotic charge towards one of the tinbags and easily killed the rest with my Biotic powers, pistol or shotgun.
Kaiden Alenko just stood there like the dumbass he was.
The woman looked at me with an angry glare, she was wearing white and pink skintight armor.
"Fuck you Asshole. I Could handle them on my own." She said.
"Your entire squad is dead and you were surrounded. What were you planning to do? Fuck them to death." I asked of her. She stared at me lustfully, like all woman and some faggots do.
"Wait. I wish to join your squad." She asked sexily, but I resisted her siren charm.
"I guess so, but let's at least wait until were back inside the ship to do make sex." I told her. She blushed and zipped up her armor.
We ran forward towards the beacon and end up at the top of a hill. I looked out towards a dock using my eagle like vision. I could see Nihlus there and another one of one those lizards there.
There talking about something.
"Nihlus, what are you doing?" The Old-ass faggot turian asked suspiciously. Already, I don't trust him.
"I'm here to retrieve the prothean beacon." That pussy, Nihlus replied. "What are you doing here, Saren?"
Saren. So that's what his name is.
"The council sent me for back up, but it seems that you have everything under control." Saren replied. I can tell that he was lying, badly. Depending on how things turned out. Saren is the shittiest liar ever or Nihlus is a complete dumbass.
"We might need some help with these kind of stuff." Nihlus said turning his back to Saren. Bad move, retard.
Saren reached for his gun, readying it to kill Nihlus with. I could help him. A few shots with my pistol, a charge and a punch is all it would take, but Commander Shepard doesn't help pussies, retards or faggots.
And Nihlus was most certainly a pussy.
With a single shot, Nihlus was dead and Saren was boarding a train. That dumbass Kaiden and Ashley were about to scream like a bunch of pussies, but I covered their mouths before they could.
Right now, I'm seriously considering on breaking their fucking jaws.
"Alright move out!" I ordered as I slid down the hill while the pussies decided to just roll down it like a bunch of five year olds.
We reached the docks and pulled out our weapons. Suddenly I heard a noise. I aimed my pistol at the noise to discover that it was a worker. "Wait, don't shot." He asked like a pussy.
"Who the fuck do you think you are asking Commander Shepard what he can and cannot shoot?" I asked and biotic punched him in the arm. I can hear bones shattering and see blood flying. He screamed like the pussy he was. I smile in satisfaction. "GIVE ME THE TRAIN KEYS NOW!" I ordered.
"Sure, whatever you say man." He replied, tossing the train keys towards me. "But before you go, I need you to disarm some bombs." He demanded of me, Commander Goddamn Fucking Shepard. I don't take orders from anyone especially from pussies like him.
"What? Do you think I know how to disarm a bomb?" I asked.
"But I don't want to die!" He screamed like a pussy.
"If you don't want to get bombed you shouldn't have let bombs get planted in the first place, dumbass." I told him and shot him 484589439867389684350943096734867340993805867358967358 in the head.
"Come you pansies, get on that damn train." I ordered getting on the train with Ash and Kaiden right behind me.
"Commander Shepard, maybe we should disarm the bombs before we go." That dumbass, Kaiden asked of me, Commander Goddamn Fucking Shepard.
I looked back. "Its too far." I told and started the train. Half an hour later, we hear the bombs going off.
"Holy Shit! I told you we should have disarm those bombs." That dumbass, Kaiden Alenko demanded of me.
The boy had done it twice, asked me to do something for him.
"Who the fuck do you think I am ordering me around!" I asked picking him up by the throat. "If you value your life you'll shut up and do what your told. Understand, dumbass?"
The dumbass nodded yes back.
"Good." And throw him against the window causing it to crack, but not break. "Get ready, were almost there." I demanded seeing the beacon and a few geth in sight.
That dumbass, Kaiden picked himself up and followed me along with Kaiden. As we made our to the beacon we encountered some geth. I shot some with my pistol before charging towards and slamming the ground hard with my biotic. I then quickly finished the rest of with my shotgun.
Meanwhile Ash was providing fire support while Kaiden was standing there like a dumbass.
After that was done we decided to retrieve the beacon, but that dumbass, Kaiden decided to go ahead.
"Commander Shepard. I'm going ahead to get the beacon." The dumbass told and rushed towards the beacon. But all of a sudden he found himself being picked up like the dumbass he was. Serves him right for being a dumbass.
"Kaiden! You Dumbass!" I shouted roundhouse kicking him in the face and launching the dumbass out of the control of the prothean beacon. But instead was the one being picked up by the beacon.
I could images of a bunch of hippies being killed my giant robot squids. Death, pain, screaming, chaos and terror was all that I could see. Serves them right for being a bunch of fucking dirty hippies.
After that was over. I fell to the ground and blacked out.
Author's notice: in the next part of Fighting A Godly God Of Truth, Commander Shepard talks to the council and fights against fist and meets Harkin.