Just Tonight
Cameron loved Chase and she had never once questioned that since she had accepted his proposal, not even today.
However, standing beside him at the funeral made her painfully aware of their distance that day. They were only inches apart physically but the fact that she didn't long to close the distance disturbed her. Instead her mind drifted to a man that wasn't even present and she hated herself for it. She fidgeted with the engagement ring on her finger and forced her attention back to Kutner's funeral.
Cameron was an emotional person and Kutner's suicide affected her traumatically. Other people may not understand her reaction because she barely knew Kutner, but that didn't matter. To Cameron any death was a devastating death and the fact that his could have been prevented if one of them had paid more attention made it even worse. She cared deeply about people; she honestly didn't know how to live any other way.
Life was short and she knew that better than most people could claim. Unexpectedly her thoughts didn't drift to her late husband the way that she believed that they probably should have. Instead they drifted to House, although that shouldn't have been surprising. Her thoughts always seemed to drift to him and every time that they did she felt like she was betraying Chase.
Chase's hand lightly touched hers and she tried not to be obvious as she pulled hers away. She pretended to be cold and wrapped her arms around herself. He misinterpreted her actions and wrapped his arm around her. She gave in and pressed up against him as she closed her eyes and forced away tears of hidden guilt and grief.
She stood that way through the rest of the ceremony and only opened her eyes again when he shifted. She hadn't even realized that it had ended. He dropped his arm and took her hand as they walked to his car together. "You okay?" he whispered to her.
She nodded her head but didn't voice a response. She was trying to think of an excuse to not go home with him tonight as she entered the passenger side of the car. He sat down next to her and she could feel his eyes watching her but she refused to acknowledge his attention. After a few seconds he started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. The drive home was filled with an uncomfortable silence but neither of them knew how to break it.
He walked towards the apartment without waiting for her to get out of the car the way he usually did. She was glad and devastated at the same time and the confusing emotions gave her chills. She waited a few minutes before following him inside. He had left the door to their apartment unlocked and she followed the lights that he had turned on leading her to their bedroom.
He looked up at her from his seat on the bed as she entered the room. His jacket was laid next to him on their bed and his tie was loosened at the top. "Did I do something?" he asked her. She shook her head sadly and chewed on her bottom lip nervously. "Are you thinking about your husband?" he asked her gently. It was a good excuse so she nodded. That was after all where her thoughts should have drifted.
He stood up and wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. She wrapped her arms around him and laid her head against his chest. "I'm sorry," she whispered sadly.
"Don't be sorry," he replied. Tears filled her eyes as she continued to feel guilty for her true thoughts.
"We should have been able to save him," she confessed honestly to him.
"We didn't know him that well," Chase reminded her.
She nodded against his chest before pulling away from him. She couldn't talk to him, not about this. She moved away from him and went to the closet. He followed her and wrapped his arms around her once again, this time from behind. "I need to be alone tonight," she said quietly.
He pulled back as if burned and she felt her guilt burn even stronger. She forced herself to turn around to look at him, although she was tempted to pretend she hadn't just hurt him since it would have been much easier. "Why?" he said the word with such meaning behind it that it brought tears to her eyes.
"I'm sorry," she repeated again.
"Fine," he said angrily before walking to the dresser across the room.
She knew that he had every right to be angry, but she hadn't even confessed the truth. She wondered if he knew that she wouldn't actually be alone. "Chase," she said his name lovingly.
"I'll go crash at Foreman's for the night," he informed her as he changed his clothes.
"No," she insisted, "I'll go." She wouldn't be spending the night at their place anyways.
"Where would you go?" he asked and she knew there was no good answer so she looked away from him.
He finished changing and packed a bag as she sat silently on their bed. She watched him move around the room and disappear to the bathroom in his preparation of leaving. She longed to apologize again but forced herself not to as she continued to watch him. He moved towards the door with the bag in his hand and she stood up alarmed that he wasn't even going to say anything before he left. She said his name again before he left the room which made him to stop and turn to her.
"What did I do?" he asked her again.
"Nothing," she confessed truthfully.
He nodded allowing some of his anger to fade. "I'll see you tomorrow," he stated hopeful.
"Of course," she answered him easily. She was determined to have things figured out by then.
He kissed her cheek before turning around and walking away. She was surprised that they hadn't parted with words of love, and was alarmed that he might already know the truth about where she was going tonight. She regretted that it wouldn't have mattered whether he knew or not, her destination would not have changed.
She changed her clothes quickly and left the apartment in her own car. The drive over to his place left her with plenty of time to think but she never once considered changing her mind. She added that to her list of things to feel guilty about.
She knocked on his door and felt nervous for the first time that night. She knew he would never turn her away, but she was nervous that he wouldn't be there. What if he wasn't waiting for her the way she had envisioned all day?
House opened the door and appraised her silently. She looked around him to make sure that he was alone. A nod of his head reassured her and she wrapped her arms around him. She let her tears fall upon his shoulder as she heard the door close. "What took you so long?" he asked as he held her.
Now that she had allowed her tears to fall she couldn't stop them so she continued to hold him close. She was glad that he had been waiting for her and tears of relief were mixed with those of guilt and grief. She knew his patience was short and that she had probably already exhausted it in those first few seconds, but she couldn't pull away.
"Cameron," he said her name and she shivered at how perfect it sounded when he said it. He pulled away from her and she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. She hadn't thought beyond this point and was unsure of what to do.
"Do you want me to go?" she asked suddenly unsure of herself.
"No," he said reassuring her.
"Why didn't we know?" she asked him.
He shook his head and walked away from her. She followed quickly behind him and almost ran into him when he stopped suddenly. "There weren't any signs," he said without turning to her.
"There must have been something!" she demanded as he still stood with his back to her.
He turned suddenly and she could easily read the anger in his eyes as he yelled, "I would have seen them!"
She inhaled in sudden fear and unconsciously took a step back from him. "I wasn't blaming you," she assured him.
He took a step back towards her and she held her ground. "Why are you here?" he asked her as if he didn't know.
"You need me," she explained simply looking directly into his eyes.
"Are you sure it's not the other way around?" he asked her as he forced her to back up into the wall.
"We need each other," she conceded.
His lips pressed against hers in angry passion and she responded back with the same emotion. Her fingers tangled in his short hair as his weight pushed her against the wall. They broke away breathless and unable to meet each other's eyes.
"I can't promise you more than tonight," she informed him unsteadily.
"I know," he acknowledged.
His hands found their way to her hips and he slipped his fingers under the fabric of her shirt to caress her skin causing goosebumps to appear. She pulled his head back towards her and kissed him desperately.
When he pulled his head back slightly he made sure to catch her eyes as she felt his hands fist the material of her shirt. "Are you sure?" he asked her carefully and she was grateful that he cared to ask.
"Yes," she assured him and lifted her arms into the air. He pulled her shirt off slowly and then kissed her again.
"No ring," he stated as he ran his fingers along hers.
"Not tonight," she confessed.
His kisses moved to her neck and her eyes fluttered closed.
"Does he know?" he whispered into her ear.
She pushed him away and looked for her shirt suddenly feeling embarrassed and stupid. He pulled her back against his chest and pressed his lips to hers once again. Silent tears ran down her checks as she responded to his kiss. "He doesn't understand," she confessed as she broke the kiss and tried to pull out of his arms.
"I do," he reassured. She knew that he did, that's why she was there. Even if no one else saw it she knew that Kutner's death had hit him hard. They should have known! Maybe no one else could have seen it but the two of them should have known. They understood people differently but both of their methods were perfect. She chose to believe in people, and he chose to believe in lies. Both methods worked in the end and neither truly judged the other in any way other than with meaningless words that were said for the sake of appearances.
"Just tonight," she whispered as she once again laid her head upon his shoulder.
He assured himself that tonight would be enough.