I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, I would have the money to buy a half-decent f*cking computer. Enjoy the crack-fic!

"So..."

"...Bellatrix?"

"...My lord... You wanna, you know, do something later?"

"...Like?"

"I don't know... You know, I wonder about that nose of yours..."

"What!? Why!?"

"Well, if that nose is missing, I can only imagine where the rest of that flesh went..." Bellatrix motioned her hands towards the centre of Voldemort. "*Giggle* You know, I would kill to find out..."

"Oh, hey, Bellatrix, I forgot to..." Lucius opened a door in a random room in the Death Eater headquarters, to find Bellatrix cuddling Voldemort from behind. Bellatrix closed her eyes in bliss, and Voldemort had the most bored face on him.

"...Lucius..."

"...My lord..."

"...Kill me, please..."

"No time for that, my lord. I have something urgent to tell you."

"Oh, is that so?"

"Yes. It seems that the mudbloods and muggles are becoming smarter."

"...This is news?"

"No, I mean, they're hiding. Our spys can't find any mudbloods, and we can't figure out why."

"Hmmm...Well, I am rather tired..."

"Well, what do we do to pass the time? I stole something called a Playstation from the last muggle I killed." Voldemort and Lucius stared at Bellatrix.

"You use a muggle device?"

"...What? It gives more insight into the muggle thoughts. Besides, Ape Escape is so f*cking fun!"

"Hm... Well, we do need to pass the time..."

"I don't think using a muggle device would befit you, my Lord..."

"Well, all the books in this place suck, and I need entertainment."

"Ooh, I know!" Bellatrix clapped her hands together. "How about you tell us a story!"

"What?"

"Yeah! A story, like about when you were hiding in that man's turban, and when you were a diary!"

"...You really wish for this?"

"Yeah! Don't you, Lucy-poo?"

"Don't call me that... And... I suppose it's not a bad plan at all..."

"Very well..." Lucius and Bellatrix took random chairs, and sat in front of Voldemort. "Let me tell you about the time I was in Quirrell's head..."

The Forbidden Forest, Harry's First Year

"Alright then!" Voldemort said, muffled in A purple turban. "As long as I'm here, there's gonna be some changes in our daily lifestyle!"

"And, that would be, My Lord?" Quirrel walked througth the forest to Hogwarts.

"Well, first off," Began Voldemort. "Take this damn turban off, I can barely f*cking breathe!" Quirrell quickly unfastened his turban, revealing the face of Voldemort on his back to no one in particular.

"Does this please you?"

"Huff...Huff..Yeah, sure. Second change. Your mind and memory is full of... Er..."

"Yes, my Lord?"

"Well... There is an ASTOUNDING amount of porn in here! I can barely think about plots against Potter when a naked vision of Patsy Cline just pops up in front of me!"

"Well, my Lord... I can explain. You see, my girlfriend gave me a dare that one of us would have to-"

"Okay then, I know you're lying, Quirrel. I'm looking through your memory, and I don't see any girlfriend. Instead I see some freaky Japanese shit. I never knew that the japanese could use octopi in such... Innovative ways..."

"...Okay, THAT one was really a dare!"

"Mhmm... Oh, hey, Centaur, 6 'oclock..." Quirrell ducked, as an arrow flew over his head.

"Oh sweet Merlin!"

"Run, fool! I won't be killed once more by a half breed horse!" Quirrel ran out of the forest, tripping over many branches and stones, until he made it out, stopping at Hagrid's Hut.

"*Sniff Sniff* Oh, what's that smell?" Quirrel covered his nose, while Voldemort laughed.

"Hahaha! I knew having no nose would do me good!"

"What about those slits?"

"Damn! Now I just look ugly... *Sniff Sniff!* The hell's that smell?"

"Smells like..." Quirell leaned a bit closer to the hut. "...Raw meat, thestral manure, and bacon in soap..."

"Yeah, I guess so... Why is there bacon in the soap?"

"Must've made it himself..."

"...Bacon... Hagrid! We must leave! And put that turban on!"

"Hagrid! *Gasp!* The man from the pub!" Quirrel put his turban back on, while Voldemort took a deep breath.

"My lord," Quirrel whispered. "I thought that you had difficulty talking and breathing in there."

"I share your respiratory system, Quirrel. It's that breathing through my slits feel better. And I can always talk to you through your head..."

See? I'm doing it right now!

"What? How are you doing that? Can I do that?" Quirrel closed his eyes, and thought real hard.

I...Like...Po...Ta...Tos!

"Er... Did you get that?"

No... I guess only I have that power... Eitherway, make haste to the castle! We must set my revenge in motion!

A While After

"Alright, my lord." Quirrell sat at the table in the Great Hall, whispering ever so quietly. "We're here. Now what?"

We wait, Quirrell... We wait...

"Did you hear?" Said one of the students from the Ravenclaw table. "Harry Potter is coming!"

"Harry Potter? The bloke who killed Volde- You-know-who?"

"Now then," Snape said to Quirrel, caressing his arm subtly, where his Dark Mark lay. "You say that you got that turban from... Where?"

Shit! Quirrel, just, say what I say...

"Oh... Well, y-y-you see... Whe-when I w-was in Africa..."

A prince gave me this turban as a gift for warding...

"Off a zombie."

"Hmm... Interesting..." Snape slightly winced, as his arm trembled. "Perhaps you can tell me more of this... Story, later..."

*BOOM!*

The doors to the great hall open, as an elderly woman wearing a green robe and hat walked in, followed by a mob of children wearing robes.

"*Ahem!* We shall begin the sorting ceremony now!"

Hmm... Look! There he is!

"Hm? Where?" Quirrel whispered as quietly as he could, but Snape overheard. He decided not to speak up, so he could investigate later on. "Ah! I remember him! I saw him in a bar with Hagrid!"

"Look!" Quirrel covered. "It's him! It's Harry Potter!" Quirrel and Snape looked at a small child in round glasses, who, in turn, looked back at them. Snape noticed as Harry held his scar in pain, and he later turned to Quirrel's turban.

"...So it would seem... Interesting..."

After the Sorting Ceremony, and the Rest of the Day

"Whew... That went smoother than expected..." Quirrel undid his turban, allowing Voldemort to breathe.

"You know, your respiratory system is so unhealthy! How does one have asthma attacks when reading?!"

"I'm sorry, my Lord! It's just that I have alot of breathing issues..."

"Hm... Eitherway, just go about your day. I will rest, and figure out a plan for our dear friend, Potter..."

"My Lord, I believe he suspects something."

"What?!"

"He held that scar in pain. I believe that he-"

"No matter. One of my faithfuls, Snape, will divert the suspicion... You are much to timid and pushover...ish... To be suspicious of anything..."

"Gee, thanks, my Dark Lord... Eitherway, I need to get ready for bed."

"Alright, just do you, and I'll do me..." Quirrel went to a Bathroom, connected to his quarters, and unzipped his pants... Robes... How do wizards shit in those robes!? For convenience, let's say he's wearing PJs...

"Philosophers stone... Mirror of Erised... Snape takes the blame... Carry the 13... Teabag Du- Wait, Quirrel, what'reyoudoing!?" Quirrel sat on the toilet, and took out a copy of a magazine called 'Witches' Wooing Guide Weekly.'

"What? I like to read magazines for both genders..."

"No, why are you taking a shit?"

"Didn't you see that feast from before?! Flitwick gave me 3 bowls of curry because of the turban! He thought I was from Asia!"

"Does he not see that you're white?!"

"I guess not."

"Well, can you at least put the turban on?"

"Oh...Shit... My Lord, it's in the other room..."

"Well, get up and get it!"

"Yes, my Lo- SHIT!"

"What? What is it!?"

"It's coming out! IT'S A RUNNY ONE!"

"...Oh sweet Faustus, this'll end horribly..."

A Pretty Solid 23 Minutes Later

*Flush!* *Handwashing noises!* *Sounds of magazines being put away!*

"Ah... I needed that..."

"...Hey Quirrell..."

"...Y-yes?"

"...How much bran do you eat?"

"...Well, an average amount, I suppose..."

"Let me tell you right now, the view says motherf*cking otherwise..." Just, let's go to sleep."

"Indeed..." Quirrell crawled into his bed, and crawled up onto his side.

"...Hey Quirrell..."

"*Sighs* Yes, my Lord?"

"...I can't sleep..."

"What? Why?"

"I've not slept in about 11 years! I forgot how to do it!"

"You... You forgot how to sleep!?"

"It's been a while, okay?" I've been conscious for the entirety of the 11 years I drank unicorn blood!"

"Well, scientifically, you share the same body functions as I... If I sleep, then you will probably sleep as well..."

"Hm... Yeah, I guess. Well... Goodnight Quirrell."

"Goodnight, my Lord..."

The Next Morning

"*Yawn!* Oh, geez, I need a firewhisky..."

"You drink in the morning?" Quirell got out of bed, and opened a wardrobe.

"Well, coffee, tea, or, well, anything really, never works for me."

"Hm... Well, as long as I don't get drunk, we're gonna be fine..." Quirell grabbed a robe from the dresser, and undressed himself completely.

"Oh! OH SHIT!"

"What is it, my Lord!?" Voldemort closed his eyes, but continued to yell.

"Agh! Close your eyes, now!"

"Why!?"

"You might not see what I see, or sense what else I sense, but I do for you! I can see you looking at yourself in the mirror!"

"What's wrong? I'm healthy, I'm not fat or anything..."

"Yeah, but... Are you irish? Scottish? Swedish? Canadian?"

"What? Why?"

"YOU'RE F*CKING HAIRY BRO!"

"Oh, well, some women find that attractive, my Lord. Was it not desirable in your day?"

"Well, yeah, but this fandom is kind of in the modern day. And not alot of people in the 2000's are into hair, Quirrell..."

"Fine, I'll shave once you leave my body..."

"Why then!?"

"You'd witness the act of me shaving. And that mean's you'd have to see my genital area as well..."

"...Just get ready for your class, okay!?"

"Very well, my Dark Lord..." Quirell grabbed a suitcase, and his wand, and left his quarters, off to his first day as a teacher, and his first day as Lord Voldemort's ally.