Sol: HEY PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!! We LOVE Zelda Fics.
Luna: So we're making one of our own!!!
Both: HOPE YOU LIKE!!!
(Luna Mutters: If you don't I'll create a Tsunami over your house! I have that kind of power! Mwuahahahaha!!)
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(Scene: Everyone is gathered at Kakariko Village. Link is standing on a big wooden stage. Everyone is sitting on fold-out chairs in front of the stage.)
Link: *Ahem!* I will now recite 'The Cremation of Sam McGee', by Robert W. Service.
(Everyone but Ruto groans)
Ruto: Oh, Linkie! You're SOOOO Smart!
Link:(rolls his eyes) Oh God, Ruto, can you please be quiet?
Ruto: Of course, Linkie-Binkie-Bink!
(everyone starts laughing.)
Navi:(laughing) Linkie-Binkie-Bink?!?! Oh Brother!
Link: Oh, god!
Ruto: Hey! Be Quiet! Linkie-Binkie-Bink is trying to recite his super-di-duper poem!
Link:(Mutters) God save me. (Back to normal tone of voice) Okay! Let's get started!
There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who mole for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run–
(Suddenly, Ganondorf comes in with a large bucket of popcorn and two large sodas, slamming the door of the food market he was coming out of loudly)
Ganondorf: I bought an extra soda! Who wants it!
Navi: I'll take it! I'll take it!
Ganondorf: Trade ya for your M&Ms!
Link:(a little annoyed) Um... I'm trying to recite a poem here.
Ganondorf and Navi: SORRY LINK!
(Ganondorf sits in a chair next to Mido and starts munching loudly on his popcorn)
Link: Now, where was I?
Mido: Right after 'The Arctic trails have their secret tales', you were cut off at 'run'. And when you said 'mole', it was actually supposed to be 'moil', which means to dig, or work hard. Like as in moil for gold, get it?
Link: (sweat drops) Uh, thanks Mido. Anyway,
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge–
Navi: Uh... Link, Where's Lake Lebarge?
Link:(sweat drops again) Uh, I–
Mido: It's in Alaska somewhere. That's where the poem takes place, Navi.
Navi: Oh, ok.
Link: Can I–
Malon: Hey, Ganondorf, can I have some popcorn?
Ganondorf: Sure. (Hands popcorn to Malon)
Link: Can I please–
Zelda: *SNORE!!!!*
Malon: Wake up! (Throws popcorn at Zelda)
Zelda:(wakes up with a start) Oh My! Sorry, Link!
Ruto: Continue, Linkie-Winkie-Woo!
(Everyone laughs)
Link:(getting very annoyed) Alright, Alright! Now can I PLEASE continue.
Navi: Sure, *snicker* Linkie-Winkie-Woo!
(Everyone bursts out laughing, but quiets down when they see the look on Links face)
Link:(through gritted teeth) OK, Anyway,
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge,
I cremated Sam McGee–
Navi: Link, What's 'Cremated'?
Link: Um–
Mido: It's the process by which a corpse is burned to ashes.
Navi: Oh. Uh... What's a 'corpse'
Mido: A dead body.
Link: Can I–
Navi: A dead body?!?!?! EEEEEEEEEEEEEW! EEW EEW EEW!!!!!! (Starts frantically waving her arms, knocking Ganondorf's soda all over Malon)
Malon: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!! My BRAND NEW BLOUSE!!!!!
Ruto: SHHHHH! Linkie-Pinkie-Poo is trying to read his poem!!!!
Malon: But My Blouse!!!!!!! (throws her soda all over Navi)
Navi: YOU BITCH!!!!
Malon: YOU STARTED IT!!!!!!
(The two break out into an immense arguement, causing Zelda to wake up again.)
Zelda: Oh My!
Malon: FINALLY!
Zelda: Hey, I wasn't asleep through the WHOLE thing!!!!
Ruto: Shut up Bitch!!! Linkie-Rinkie-Roo Is still trying to say his poem!!!!
Malon, Navi, Zelda: Shut UP!!!!!!!! (they all throw their popcorn at Ruto)
(Everyone starts laughing again)
Link:(getting really annoyed) OK! Everyone, would you PLEASE Shut Up!!!
(Everyone stops laughing)
Link: Alright!
Was this night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee–
Ruto: Wait a second, Who's this 'Marge' person???? HAVE YOU BEEN CHEATING ON ME?????????? WAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
Link: No, it's–
Ruto: I thought you LOVED me!!!!! I thought we'd ALWAYS be together!!! Forever!!!! But NOW, just a FEW years before the wedding, I find out about this MARGE person!
Link: No! It's–
Ruto: Well, I know what I'll do! I'll find that MARGE person and make her wish she was never BORN!!!!! (Begins packing everything around her into a large bag)
Link: Wait! No, Ruto, it's–
Mido: I believe the 'marge' that Link was referring to is a word for 'dock' or a ships port. And Link, it's not 'This' night. It's 'That' night because the reader, or narrator is supposedly referring to something that had already happened.
Ruto: Oh, Linky! I should have known you'd never cheat on me!!! I LOVE YOU LINKY!!! (Drops the bag onto the floor and starts to run towards Link)
Link: Ok, Now can I– OOF! (Gets knocked to the floor by Ruto who is pratically squeezing him to death)
Ruto: Oh, LINKY!!!! I love, Love LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!
Link: RUTO!!!! Can you PLEASE get off of me so I can continue!!!
Ruto: OK! (Gets off Link and sits back down)
Link:(severely annoyed) Now, CAN I PLEASE–
Zelda: *SNORE!!!!!!!!*
Malon: WAKE UP!!!! (dumps popcorn on Zelda, who wakes up immediately)
Zelda: HEY! (Throws popcorn at Malon, which starts a huge popcorn fight between the two)
Link:(Frantically Annoyed) PLEASE! CAN I PLEASE MOVE–
(A High-pitched screechy giggle is heard overhead. Everyone's eyes go wide as the Great Fairy flies into one of the seats.)
Great Fairy: Hi All! Just thought I'd come to see the show.
(Everyone mumbles hello)
Link:(Extremely Annoyed) OK... WHO... PLAYED... ZELDA'S... LULLABY?????????
Navi:(in a feeble little voice) Well, I thought she might like to hear your poem, Link.
(Suddenly, a Poe swoops into the crowd)
Navi: EEEEK!! A Poe!!!
Ruto: Linky! Get it, Get it!! Get It Linky!!!!!!
Link: AAAAAH!!!! (takes out his sword and slices the Poe into little pieces It's soul appears and laughs as it flies away)
Ganondorf: Well... That was interesting....
Link: NOW CAN I....PLEASE.... CONTINUE???????????????
Malon: Oh, no Link. Now that the Great Fairy is here, you have to start all over
(Link goes very pale and drops his sword)
Ruto:(innocently) What's the matter, Linkie-Ginkie-Goo?
Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Jumps off stage and runs away.)
(Silence for a few seconds)
Ganondorf: Well, that was fun.
Malon: Yeah, we should do it again some time.
Navi: Anyone wanna go get ice cream?
(Everyone says Ok and Sure. They all walk away, while the sounds of Link's screams can be heard in the distance.)