Prologue
L has always had a difficult nature and never tried to hide it from anyone. Very few people could get along with him. Even less could adapt and adjust to his way of being. But Light could. That is one of the reasons as to why he wants to tie the boy close to him, tightly, to bind them together and never let go.
For three months Light was close. He gently smiled and his kisses were soaked with tenderness. He held his breath and stood still at the peak of orgasm. He uttered blatant lies and never once blushed.
When L first understood that something horrible and irreparable had happened, he was shocked. The sudden change in Light's eyes, in the way he looked at L, was so obvious that he couldn't believe he was the only one who saw that. It felt like he had lost Light. Just like that. In a matter of one second, in the twinkling of an eye, he didn't even get to say goodbye, he didn't get to feel loving hands hug his body for the one last time. It just happened, and after the moment that had changed everything, Light barely looked at him anymore. Rather, Light's gaze now is directed through him, somewhere into the distant future that awaits for him just behind L's back. His eyes have sparkles in them still. But L knows they are not meant for him anymore. It's sickening. It is hard and heavy.
L is sad because he knows their time is over. Sad, because he could feel Light's rejoice the moment after the handcuffs were removed. Sad, because he knows that he has to rip the boy out of his heart. Scared... because the house of cards he used to call their relationship has fallen apart before he could even utter one word.
"You are free to go. I fail to see the reason behind your stay here."
Five seconds, and Light's arms come around him, slithering up and down his chest while he feels the steady beating of Light's heart against his back. It's never been steady during such moments before.
"I'll show you the reason."
It is wrong. He's not supposed to yield to those hands again. But he doesn't want to let go. This night L lets Light hammer him into the bed yet again, as if he's trying to prove they still belong to each other. Who exactly needs the prove is not clear. L tries not to think that it's himself.
"I love you."
And his cheeks don't blush. They never blush when he lies.
He's going to be nineteen soon and he thinks that he is an adult. Of course, he's always had the level of responsibility that many adults lacked, and the last two years of his life only made him more serious with his intents. He's outwitted the person who's been deemed the greatest detective. He's successfully carried through with his plan and got rid of the nuisance in form of memory loss and handcuffs. His friends haven't gone away for those three months he spent isolated from the outside world. He met with them a couple of times after breaking free from his confinement. Misa adores him still.
L. The man who's been after him almost from the very beginning of his work on purifying the world. First as an adversary, then as a fellow student, then as a lover, and now... hell knows.
Their still frequent rendezvous can't be considered as a serious relationship. Frankly, it can hardly be considered a relationship at all. L has to die. He knows it. And it's gotten hard to be around him yet again. The look in L's eyes is not something he's ever expected to see. L doesn't have to say a word to convey what he feels. It's all clear enough already – he's broken, scared, and most of all sad. Light frowns and thinks he despises L for his weakness. But his body is desired still. Another fuck gives great pleasure, but in the morning there are no emotions left. L lays on the pillows, a light blanket's hiding his nakedness. He doesn't say a word and keeps on looking at Light as the other puts his clothes on.
Slowly, fires of passion die in his eyes, replaced by autumn sadness. Light always hated how these eyes don't betray any emotions, but right now it feels as though L actually tries to convey something to him, something that himself isn't sure about. So Light shrugs his shoulders before voicing the usual 'I love you' out loud, just so L would stop looking at him with the expression that unnerves him so much. And he doesn't want to do anything for the lively sparks to lit up L's eyes again. L chokes him with his presence, and his worried glances have become an unnecessary burden.
He chooses not to waste words when being left alone with L, or even better, not to stay past the sunset in the ridiculously huge headquarters building. Although he feels a little homesick during the nights he spends alone in his room, in the morning this little sadness would be gone. Peace of mind, greater purpose and self-realization turned out to be more important than an attempt to understand L. L's difficulties are nothing compared to the difficulties of his goal, so he thinks.