"And so, Dastardos, using this one tiny machine, I will rrrrip open the tiny shred of fabric that keeps our worlds apart!" Professor Pester gestured with a flourish at the odd-shaped gun in his hand. He looked from it to Dastardos hopefully.
"… You're an idiot," Dastardos said with a tiny sigh. He thought he'd be used to the professor's stupid schemes by now, but somehow his boss always kept creating more and more insane schemes.
"No I am not an idiot!" The Professor placed his free hand on his hip and frowned severely. "I sent a Ruffian there just this morning!"
"How do you know you didn't just kill it?" Dastardos said and a dry chuckle slipped from his mouth.
"Because I know these things!" Professor Pester said, and his eyes narrowed further. "While you run around, being dead and smashing small animals to their fate, I am busy researching ways to-"
Dastardos chuckled again, one corner of his mouth lifted into a smirk. "Oh, you're calling it 'research' now? I thought you spent all your time watching-"
"That's it! I can no longer take your uneducated mocking," Professor Pester said. He forcefully shoved the long gun into his cohort's hands. "I want you to pull the trigger when I'm ready. It's time I go to a place where my talents are appreciated."
"Yeah, yeah, does this mean I get time off?" Dastardos rolled his eyes and looked at the object in his hand. It was rather long and oblong for a gun (even though the only guns he had ever seen were in movies). There was a side portion that slid alongside it and pulsed with a green glow. Pester said that this powered the gun, but Pester didn't know anything.
"I shouldn't take long, so no," said the Professor. He walked so that his back was to a wall. "No slacking, Dastardos."
"Ugh, fine," Dastardos said as he picked up the gun and looked down the barrel at his boss. He hoped that Pester didn't have a way back. "How exactly do I work this thing, anyway?"
"You aim it at me, and then pull the trigger! It may take a few moments to warm up, and there might be a kick but… nothing that my invulnerable minion can't handle," said Pester with a smug smile.
"Okay, fine," Dastardos said as he raised the gun. "Ready?"
"Ready!" sung out the Professor as he struck a pose.
Dastardos breathed in and pulled the trigger. The side of the gun glowed faster and faster with a worrisome noise.
"Hold it steady, Dastardos!" yelled the Professor over the gun. The gun shook for a moment before firing a quick, green stream of light. The Professor vanished.
Dastardos waited for a few moments. He really didn't believe that his boss had successfully done what he sought out to do.
But the lair stayed silent.
Blissful silence.
"Heh," Dastardos said as he tossed the gun onto Pester's work chair. "Can't believe you did it, you fat bastard."
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Dastardos really, really enjoyed life much more than he usually did for the next few days. He only reaped in newbie gardens that he knew wouldn't have a Dastardos Shovel, he made a few young gardeners cry, and he could nap with Magnar as much as he wanted without the incessant noise of his Alert System constantly waking him! Dastardos didn't need to sleep to stay alive, but sleeping was an excellent way for him to pass the time and shut out the outside world. Professor Pester not being around to disturb him felt like a luxury!
After a week had passed, though, an unpleasant knot had started to settle in what remained of his stomach.
It wasn't that he missed Professor Pester, dear God no, he was more than happy to not have to listen to that booming, overly-theatrical voice on a daily basis. Dastardos was concerned about what the hell Pester was doing.
"It's not like Pester to keep me out of the loop like this…" Dastardos mumbled to Magnar as he lay on his tattered couch, Magnar dozed on the couch arm close to Dastardos' head. "What do you think he's up to?"
"Something stupid?" Magnar offered in his tiny voice. Magnar had picked up English from the many, many years he spent with Dastardos. He never got much of a chance to speak, though; he barely got a word in edgewise during Dastardos' long-winded rants about whatever got on his nerves that day.
"Well, that goes without saying!" Dastardos couldn't help chuckling. He had taught Magnar very well! "He's just been gone for so long; who knows what the hell he could be subjecting that universe to!" Dastardos rose to a sitting position and rested an elbow on a bent knee as he thought. "He could be taking it over as practice for taking over this one…or he could be searching for a bride again…" Dastardos had to pause to hold back a gag. "Or he could be working on some kind of weird-ass device and didn't want to risk destroying his lair with it?" Dastardos sighed. "Why didn't he tell me?"
Magnar suddenly nudged Dastardos' shoulder. Dastardos turned to see his Macaraccoon had an alarmingly shocked expression on his tiny face.
"…you okay?" Dastardos asked.
"Stardos, what if Pester is plotting against you?" Magnar squeaked, his eyes widened even more.
"What," Dastardos' face fell.
"Think about it!" Magnar shook a bit at the thought. "He didn't tell you what he was going to do, he went to another universe to do it, and he's been gone for a week! He's probably having trouble coming up with a way to get back at you…or worse, kill you!" Magnar yelped and leapt onto Dastardos. He buried his face in his sweater and sniffled: "I don't want you to die!"
"I hate to break it to you Magnar, but I'm already dead, there's no way I'll die again!" Dastardos petted Magnar as he tried to reassure the Macaraccoon as much as himself. Dastardos had convinced himself that he was immortal; he wasn't about to let a bastard like Professor Pester cut his life short! Sure, Dastardos was miserable, but the idea of dying when he was only twenty-six really, really didn't appeal to him. Who would take care of Magnar if he died? "What makes you think Pester would want to kill me?"
"Dastardos, you aren't exactly a model minion…" Magnar had picked up quite a bit of Dastardos' snarky attitude. "You constantly make fun of Pester and his failures. You pop his bloated ego!"
"…I don't think he'll kill me," Dastardos floated up from the couch and gently detached Magnar from his shirt. "…but I can't take any risks. I'm going after him." Dastardos placed Magnar down on the couch.
"Alone?" Magnar asked as he tilted his head to the side. "That'd be kind of a bad idea, Stardos…it's a totally different world! What if you get in trouble and have no one to back you up?"
Dastardos snorted. "Who the hell would back me up?" He pointed a bony finger at his heart.
"Your brother would!" Magnar chirped. "And what about those other guys you were hanging out with a few months ago?"
"The Man's Army guys?" Dastardos stroked his chin. "…eh, it's worth a shot. It might be funny to see them freaking out if this 'other universe' is terrifying. I'll leave them all notes to meet on the outskirts of that forest near Pester's lair or something." Dastardos quickly looked around his lair for anything resembling writing utensils, but his search proved fruitless. "I'm…going to have to raid Pester's paper stash. Here's hoping they can all read my terrible handwriting…"
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The next morning, Sparcticus, Yoto, Eddie, Doc Patch, and Seedos all found nearly identical notes on their kitchen tables, each scrawled in red pen and bearing the same message:
To Whoever is Reading This,
I'm not usualy one to ask for help, but desperete times call for desperete measures.
Professor Pester is planning something and I don't know what it is. I need help finding out.
Meet me by the forerst near Pester's lair at 9 PM tonite.
Sincerly,
If you don't know who wrote this you are stupid
Dastardos didn't have much practice writing in the last ten years, not to mention his bad eye made reading over his work extremely difficult. His left eye was pretty much useless after the damage it sustained when he was corrupted. Dastardos had this bad eye for ten years, and he wasn't sure if he would ever get used to it. Whenever he wanted to read something he had to hold it so close to his face that he looked ready to eat it. Dastardos was sure that if he wasn't invulnerable, his back would have ached from leaning so close to the papers as he wrote on them.
Seedos, after snickering over his brother's spelling errors, figured it wouldn't hurt to help and wrote a quick note on his arm so he wouldn't forget the time.
Yoto never even bothered to share the note with his uncle, but he decided to show up for laughs. Plus, if he managed to beat Professor Pester, Storkos would fall for him for sure!
Patch mulled over the note all day, but he figured he might as well go in case anyone got hurt. Patch did feel a bit nervous, though…what could Professor Pester have planned that would make Dastardos want to ask Patch for help?
Eddie didn't plan on going, but his curiosity got the better of him. He wondered what on Earth Pester had planned and what he could do to prevent it. Not to mention he already had experience in thwarting Pester's schemes; he could prove to be a valuable asset. He found himself heading towards the forest that evening. What was the worst that could happen?
Sparcticus tossed his note right into the trash. He figured that this would be much more trouble than it was worth. Nothing that involved Professor Pester would be the slightest bit enjoyable.
As Dastardos headed out of his tree, he heard Magnar skitter up behind him and exclaim: "I wanna go with you!"
Dastardos sighed. "…I'm going to have to take you along, aren't I?" He crouched close to the ground and Magnar leapt into his outstretched arms. "We shouldn't be gone for too long, but who knows what could happen…"
"You'll be fine, Stardos!" Magnar wriggled into Dastardos' tattered sweater. "I'll hide in here and no one will notice!" said his sweater-muffled voice.
"I'm going to hide you in Pester's control room when we get close to his lair," Dastardos planted his hands on his hips sternly despite the fact that Magnar couldn't see him. "I don't want the people I'm meeting up with to see you. I know for a fact the stupid ginger will recognize you. I'll find you once they're all in the other universe."
"Gotcha!" Magnar chirped. "Come on, Stardos, let's go already!" Dastardos felt Magnar bounce around with anticipation.
"Why are you so excited…?" Dastardos murmured as he headed out into the night.
"I really want to see you kick Pester's butt," Magnar admitted.
Dastardos silently agreed with Magnar. Throwing a punch or ten at Pester would be fun…
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Eddie, ever-punctual, was the first one to arrive at the meeting place. Seedos, Doc Patch, and Yoto arrived a few minutes later. It was now ten minutes after nine and Dastardos was late. He had to run and hide Magnar in Pester's lair, but of course none of them knew that.
"Well, at least we know it's not a trap," Eddie exhaled. "I'd figure that a villain who wanted to spring a trap on us would at least be on time."
"H-he could b-b-be trying to trick us into letting our guard d-d-down!" Patch would have chewed on his nails if not for his gloves. "You know how he is! He's a b-b-bad person!"
Seedos scowled a bit and opened his mouth to make a biting comment, but then he realized that it wouldn't be a very good idea.
"I dunno, Patch," Yoto slumped against a nearby tree in boredom.
"We don't know what Professor Pester is capable of," Seedos shook his head. "Dastardos could really need our help!" Seedos was confident that Dastardos wouldn't lead him into a trap since they were brothers…or would he? Seedos really hoped he didn't do anything to annoy Dastardos lately…
Patch didn't look convinced at all, but before he could retort, Dastardos floated through a tree. The entire group jumped when they felt his presence and promptly turned to face him.
"No Bart or Sparcticus?" Dastardos asked and then shook his head. "Eh, no matter, I'm surprised any of you showed up at all. Come with me." He motioned for them to follow and started to head towards Pester's lair.
"Where are we g-g-going?" Patch shivered. The air was incredibly chilly, but he was also more than a bit afraid. Why did he think this was a good idea?
"You'll all see," Dastardos did his best to sound mysterious as he floated up the ramp of Pester's volcanic lair. The small group of men followed reluctantly behind him.
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Dastardos led the group into Professor Pester's control room; the gun that led to the other universe still lied on the chair where he had left it.
"I don't think any of you will believe me…" Dastardos' good eye scanned the group. "…but I'm going to explain to you what's going on.
Patch shook even harder now and his teeth loudly clicked together. Eddie held onto Patch's arm in a vain attempt to steady him, but he kept his gaze locked on Dastardos for any sign of threat. Seedos had his hands clasped behind his back as he looked around the room. A look of immense disgust overtook his mask when his eyes hit a posing silver statue of Professor Pester that had a rather sizable bulge in the front of its pants. Yoto just grinned with anticipation.
"See this?" Dastardos picked the gun up off the chair and twirled it in his hand. "According to Pester, this can send you to another dimension. He disappeared into it a week ago and he hasn't come back since. I'm worried that he's planning something that will destroy the whole town, and obviously, all of you."
"But Dastardos," Yoto squinted at him. "We're not you! Why do you care about what happens to us?"
"No one in the Village means no life sweets, and no life sweets means-" Dastardos stopped mid-sentence before he accidentally revealed Magnar's existence. He was lying through his teeth, anyway, he was actually more concerned about what Pester had in store for him. "…that's not important. What is important is we need to go in after him."
"This is a trap, isn't it?" Doc Patch's stutter disappeared as he felt a sudden burst of bravery. He pointed an accusing finger at Dastardos and said: "You lured all of us here to kill us…because…because…um…" Patch scratched his head as he tried to think of a motive. "Well, I know that you hate me…but…"
Dastardos sighed and rolled his eyes. He should have expected this…
"Look, Patchingo, I don't want to kill any of you. I'm doing all of this so you won't die," Dastardos pointed at Patch with the gun and Patch stiffened.
"W-well, I still d-d-don't trust you!" Patch folded his arms and pointedly looked away.
Dastardos glared silently at Patch for a few moments before he pulled the trigger on the gun. The green stream of light burst from the gun and hit Patch straight in the chest before he even noticed that Dastardos had fired. In a split second, he was gone.
Eddie, Seedos, and Yoto's jaws dropped. They looked back and forth from where Patch had been mere moments earlier to the smoking gun in Dastardos' hand several times.
"Relax, you cowards, he's fine," Dastardos blew on the barrel of the gun and smirked. "Who wants to go next?"
The other three guys cringed and gave each other terrified, uncertain looks.
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Doctor Patchingo did not feel well.
He wasn't sure where he was. All he knew was that he was lying on a cold, hard floor and he felt like he had just gotten off of a roller coaster…after riding it for six straight hours.
He knew all kinds of cures for nausea, but none of them would be of use to him now. He had no peppermint gum, no ginger ale, certainly no peppermint tea…the best he could do was lay there and make sure not to move his head until he felt a bit better.
After a few moments, he felt the tiniest bit better and he figured that he had better check where he was. He swallowed in a vain attempt to combat the nausea and slowly rose to a sitting position. His dizziness barely got any better, but at least he could look around the room now.
Doc Patch blinked his blue eyes as his vision sharpened…that was when he noticed that he wasn't alone in the room.
As he looked at the figure in front of him, he gasped louder than he ever had in his life.