Serenity
It was a dream. Rey was certain it had been a dream. She had been having so many of them, surely last night was just another, despite its exceptional lucidity. Or perhaps Rey was just that desperate. Ben hadn't made contact in a month, and their Force bond was cold.
Only, as Rey's mind cleared of early morning grogginess, the bond was there; active and warm. Ice water ran through her veins as she gently felt the bond-the presence- in her mind.
No. It was definitely full of life, and open.
And Rey was pressed up against someone's chest. Her hand was still clasped in someone else's. She could clearly hear, and feel, someone's steady heartbeat beneath her head.
Rey tentatively explored the Force presence of the figure wrapped around her, unwilling to believe her hopeful heart.
That someone was definitely Ben Solo.
The chill slowly left Rey's body as she realised she hadn't, again, imagined his return. Granted, as she realised the rest of her 'dream' had been real, it was no longer ice that ran through her veins, but fire. This was only, of course, until she remembered he had to leave.
Except he had stayed last night.
Ben had stayed.
The thought left a lump in her throat, and the faintest of pricking in her eyes.
Rey had not particularly been prone to sudden bouts of overwhelming emotion, but Ben's choice to stay left her floundering.
She curled closer to him, shamelessly relishing the way he tightening his hold on her in his sleep, and simply listened to his heartbeat, allowing herself to simply exist in the memories of last night, and his presence in her mind.
Rey was met with peace. For once, Ben Solo was at genuinely at peace. Over the bond, Rey could feel his contentment. Dipping in, Rey could see that as much as he needed to leave last night, he couldn't help but stay. Rey was his weakness; the one thing he couldn't resist. All this was laid bare to Rey in Ben's mind, over the bond, and she couldn't help but delve in more. It wouldn't suffice to say Rey was relieved when she saw Ben had been as maddened by the past month of separation as she had been. Deeper into his surface thoughts still, and there was iron resolution, a determination to follow through with leaving the First Order. There was something else, something bright and inviting, at the forefront of Ben's consciousness. Rey was drawn to the thought, and dove into it as she had all the others. She was taken aback to see that it was centred on her. It stymied her to see how dependent on her he felt. Then-
Rey snapped her mind out of his consciousness, utterly startled.
It was impossible to her.
That thought, that feeling that Ben seemed to hold above all the others. That hopeful thought that he seemed to cling to, it left Rey bewildered.
She knew he admired her, respected her, and of late even cared for her, perhaps more than most things.
Rey knew she felt the same way about him, skirting the more complicating thoughts.
But, love?
"Something in there give you a fright?" Ben's sleep-fogged voice broke her chain of thought, and she looked up to see him smiling tentatively down at her, eyes still heavy-lidded.
Rey shook her head, "Just surprised." She kept her voice low to hide the waver of shock.
He raised an eyebrow in a silent query.
"The way you see me. In such high regard," she partially bluffed, deciding it was the easiest route, "I didn't realise."
His other eyebrow shot up, too. "You didn't think I cared for you?" He asked for clarification.
"Not necessarily."
"Rey-"
"It's not that," she quickly cut him off, "I'm simply not used to people caring at all."
The wounded look on his face at that made her heart jump.
"I do care, Rey." He kissed her forehead, lightly squeezing her hand that he still held, fingers interlaced.
She nodded, trying her best to squash those uneasy feelings in her gut. She wasn't ready to face this. Force knew she never thought she'd ever be ready.
"Unfortunately, as much as I wish I could lie with you here till the dust of war settles," There was a smile in his voice, and she couldn't help but laugh, "I do have to leave before Snoke calls again." Ben sighed, his voice heavy now when he spoke, "We're lucky he didn't decide to prompt my next journey last night. I didn't have any mental guards up at all. Not like I could've concentrated on that if I tried."
Rey blushed under his teasing stare, lightly smacking his shoulder and sitting up.
"If you must," she said, feigning flippancy while in reality her heart was probably beating right out of her chest, "But I'm going to use the refresher."
Rey tried to leave the bed, but Ben sat himself up and pulled her back against him, pressing a kiss to her fingers on the hand in his before letting her go.
She hastily threw on her tunic to cover most of her body before picking up the rest of her garments. Ben's gaze never left her, and when Rey hesitated at the door and looked back at him, he flashed a broad, genuine smile at her that made her heart constrict. She couldn't resist smiling back. Though, 'beaming' would be a better term, she thought wryly as she closed the 'fresher door behind her once she got there, somewhat ashamed of her utter lack of aloofness where Ben was concerned. Rey yanked her tunic off in frustration, knocking a bottle of bacta off the tiny sink. She grimaced, not bothering to pick it up. In order to do so would require getting in the shower anyway for enough space to bend. One could sit on the toilet and still have one hand on the sink and the other on the shower door.
Rey sighed heavily, getting into said shower, trying her best not to think too much of man probably still lying in bed on her ship. In her bed on her ship. There was no middle ground with them, it seemed. From the moment they met it was either going to be hate or...love?
Rey put only the cold tap of the tiny shower on, taking comfort in the way the shocking water struck any immediate thoughts from her mind. It was only temporary relief, and before long that pesky uneasy feeling cropped up once again, this time in her chest, as her mind kept coming around to Ben Solo.
He loved her. He actually loved her, Rey repeated to herself in disbelief, as if trying to make it more real. Though, she had to admit it just might have been 'real' for a while, and she had simply locked it out. Such feelings do not simply pop up overnight, Rey mused grimly.
She shut the shower off and towelled herself dry, her mind abuzz and over-analysing their last encounters. Rey knew it was useless trying to figure out the exact mechanics of it, as if that would help her figure out the hornets' nest of emotion that was broiling in herself.
After getting dressed in her tunic and leggings, Rey took a long look at herself in the mirror.
How long had it been since she had actually looked into her own eyes?
The woman who looked back at her looked far different from the one who had left Jakku with a runaway Stormtrooper a little over a year ago, but it was still her, despite everything she had endured.
Her eyes were bright, and more awake than they'd ever looked.
Ben Solo loved her, and relied on her.
Was love even definable? Or did a person just know. Rey couldn't be sure.
Ben depended on her, and if his thoughts had anything to say about it, he had begun to draw his strength from her, too. The memory of her, the motivation from her.
Rey had to begrudgingly admit that, over the past few months, she had come to rely on him as well. Not necessarily depend, but it was a painful fact to her that the thought of his death was something her mind and soul actively shied away from. Rey couldn't understand how it had come about.
Did she regret it?
Did Rey regret the camaraderie they had developed so early on? Did she regret that unspoken boundary when neither of them killed the other in battle? Did she regret forgiving him, even when he couldn't come to forgive himself?
Did Rey regret leaving herself vulnerable to him?
Rey supposed that she should have. She should never have stayed with him in that bar on Cato Neimoidia. She should have struck him down as soon as she could, even if it resulted in him being taken as a Resistance prisoner. She should never have forgiven him after all he had done, to her friends and to herself. Rey should never have let Ben Solo bring her walls down.
But she had, and she could not find it in herself to regret a single thing. Rey's heart lurched.
Did she love Ben Solo?
The thought was impossible, but her eyes were bright- hopeful, in spite of the confused crease twixt her brows- and hope was something rare in these times. All this time, Rey knew she had cared for him, but could she accept that it had gone this far?
A slight commotion in the main compartment pulled her into the present, and Rey hurriedly left the 'fresher, pushing the muddling thoughts aside and padding barefoot towards the noise.
The sight that greeted her was, to say the least, dumbfounding.
"…Caffa?" Ben was sitting at the table in the centre of the main hold with a steaming cup in his hands, and another on the table in front of him.
She gaped at him, then at the full kettle in the mini-kitchen, and then back to him.
"Or, you know, if you like cold caffa you can just stand there and continue to mimic a gizka." He shrugged, a smirk gently curling his lips.
Rey closed her mouth, moving towards him and taking a seat on the cushioned chair. She was ever so faintly disappointed to see he had tossed his shirt and trousers back on.
His expression changed to one of amusement, "I can always get undressed again for the time being, if you prefer."
Rey blushed heavily. Frack it, she was not doing a good job at shielding her thoughts while so close to him.
Ben shook his head, a smile on his face, before taking another drink.
Rey reached for her cup, and took a long sip, grateful for the heat it offered after that cold shower. She felt the caffeine hit her almost instantaneously, and she savoured the aroma. The man knew how to make good caffa.
"It's something you pick up when standard food is tasteless synthetic gruel." He was still smiling at her.
"Thank you, Ben."
He nodded, taking another sip.
Rey put her cup down. "No, I mean thank you for everything. Coming to check up… Staying last night." Her voice was small in her throat. When had she ever been this nervous?
Ben put his caffa down, reached over, and taking her hands in his, gently tugged her around the circular chair till she was against his side. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, and Rey wound hers around his waist.
"Trust me, I couldn't leave," he said rubbing her back, "I wanted to stay."
"And we all know you take whatever you want, right?" Rey couldn't resist the opportunity to tease him, as well as ease the nervousness in her gut by resorting to her trademark cheek.
He laughed, "That, and I'm a man of weak will, as we've seen." It was his turn to tease her, throwing her words from their much earlier encounter on Geonosis back at her.
Jests aside, I think we both know how well resisting you has turned out for me, his voice bubbled up in her mind, and the words bounced around her head.
He held her tightly for a moment, cheek pressed against her forehead.
"Rey, I'm going to have to block you out now." Sadness coloured Ben's tone. Rey might have been mistaken, but she was sure she could hear fear in his words too. "I don't want Snoke catching me unawares, and having access to you in the process."
"Alright, Ben."
He squeezed her as the bond went cold, softly kissing her cheek when she leant back.
"I hate doing that," Ben muttered, "Honestly, it feels like there's a wound in my head when I can't feel you there."
Rey nodded in agreement, not quite realising what she was admitting to in the small gesture. Her mind was still whirring from his words earlier.
If Ben noticed her distraction, he didn't comment on it, instead reaching for both their mugs and handing hers to her.
Rey happily drank the offered caffa.
"I looked for something to make you breakfast, but your stocks are sorely lacking anything edible." She almost choked on her sip of caffa.
"You wanted to make me breakfast?" Rey looked at him with wide eyes. The gesture was entirely unfamiliar to her.
Ben just shrugged in response, the motion moving her along with him as she was still resting against him.
"I-I usually just eat what the synthesizer spits out."
He grimaced at that, "I said edible.You'd think we'd stock our ships better, considering both of us tend to travel a lot."
Rey chuckled at his expression, finishing off her drink and placing her cup next to his also-empty one. "I would never have pegged you to be the one to make breakfast. Or be vaguely domestic at all."
Ben smiled ironically, "I guess that's what happens when our common meeting ground is the battlefield. Hacking at each other and dining each other tend to give different impressions."
She laughed harder at that, and it wasn't long before Ben started too, most probably laughing at her laughing at him. After a while it didn't really matter though. It was just Ben, and just Rey, huddled on a sofa, warmed by caffa, and laughing absurdly together.
Rey wished it could last, and as she calmed down and took in Ben, in his mirth, something dawned on her with all the subtlety of a stampeding rancor.
This was the man who had made her feel the Force in the first place. This was the man who could've taken everything from her and then promptly disposed of her at a wave of his hand, but didn't. This was the man who could never strike her down, and instead desperately tried to procure her safety. This man, who had exhausted every route to ensure his own darkness, was unwilling to snuff her persistent light out. He was constantly risking his reputation in the First Order, and by extension his life, to save her. Now, in this seemingly perfect moment, he was risking his life to simply be in her company.
Ben Solo. Rey had never been ready to face this. Between facing Kylo Ren, the intimidating would-be-Sith, and Ben Solo, with everything that he caused in her, Rey was less frightened of battling Kylo Ren at his strongest than saying anything to Ben that would betray her guarded feelings further.
"Rey? Are you alright?" He was smiling at her again, a smile that made her heart jump.
"Yes." She sounded uncertain even to her own ears.
Ben's brow creased in the smallest of frowns, and he moved to caress her cheek. She leaned into his touch, holding his hand in place when he tenderly cradled her head.
Rey closed her eyes and breathed him in, finding she did not want him to leave at all, but sensing that his departure was near.
"Rey?"
There was a frown on her face now too, but not one of anger or frustration. It was pure sorrow, and Rey was adamantly keeping unbidden tears at bay as she flicked her gaze over his worried face.
"I don't want you to go." The words she meant to say as a simple statement came out as a pleading whisper.
She could clearly see the frustration flash over Ben's face. He was conflicted, but she knew he was going to do what he felt was necessary. He was stubborn like that, and she could only sway him so far.
Then Ben leaned in, pulling her towards him as he went, and swiftly his lips were moving against hers. His kiss was slow and consuming. She responded in kind, shifting closer to him and further deepening the kiss. This wasn't something desperate. It was a solemn promise, and a reflection of last night.
When they finally parted, both were panting for air, and Ben guided her head onto his shoulder before pulling her up with him, onto their feet, crushing her against him. Rey's hands were bunched in his shirt over his shoulder blades, and one of his was holding her head, the other spanned on her lower back.
"I don't want to, Rey. I have to." His voice was low, and Rey suspected he may have been trying to prevent it from shaking.
She didn't respond, and they stood there, holding each other for what seemed like an age. When they eventually let each other go, Rey knew it had not been long enough.
Ben headed back to her room to gather his other items of clothing, and Rey could feel him glancing back at her as she just stood by the table, staring at the floor.
It wasn't long before she heard booted footfalls on the metal flooring, and headed to the loading ramp before he could appear in the passageway, hitting the control panel a little harder than was necessary to lower the ramp.
Rey watched as the grey of the ramp made way for the grey of the Nar Shaddaa docks, her thoughts flying around in her mind and stinging her as they went.
Should she tell him? How would she tell him?
How did you tell someone you think you're in love with them?
Ben Solo materialised in her peripherals, eyes not on the dock, but on her. He didn't say a thing, instead just studying her, taking her in.
Rey took a deep breath before turning to him, but couldn't force a smile on her face.
She grappled with her words for a moment, before steeling herself and simply saying, "Be safe, Ben." For once, her voice was steady.
"Cato Neimoidia," he said softly, "If all goes well, it will still be too risky to contact you in any length over the bond, but I will call when it's over. When you feel that tug, come to Cato Neimoidia, I'll meet you there." He pinned her with a loaded look, a forlorn half-smile on his mouth but not reaching his eyes, "I'm sure you can guess where."
Rey nodded, remembering as if it were yesterday, and not a year ago.
Ben placed a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it gently, before walking down the ramp.
Rey made no move to leave from where she stood, watching Ben walk away. She wanted to call him back. She wanted to make him stay. Those words she had been so scared to say threated to spill from her lips.
But she said nothing.
Instead she watched his form growing smaller on the walkway, and Rey realised she wanted nothing more than for him to turn around and walk back. It was then she accepted she couldn't lie to herself anymore.
As Ben neared the gates of the dock, he spared one last long look back at her, still standing on the ramp, and then disappeared into the Nar Shaddaa slums.
Rey loved Ben Solo.
Rey regretted not telling him so.