Breaking the Cycle
"Because most of the time it's easier said than done."
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"…I'm sure you understand that this behaviour cannot continue…"
They were at it again. It was the second time this week. Living beings are supposed to learn from mistakes, but it seems that in this case, such a pattern won't apply.
But patters never apply to him.
Always the exception to the rule, always the first one to break them. He won't give anyone – much less himself – a rest before he gets what he wants.
The problem is that he probably doesn't know what he wants.
"…Go home and think about what you did. Think about all of our conversations. Listen to others, for once, will you?"
But the biggest problem is that he won't let others help him figure it out either.
"What are you doing here?"
The door to my left opened and out came the subject of my thoughts; the reason I'm currently here when I should be at home, minding my own business and taking care of my own problems.
Perhaps I, too, want to run from my problems.
"And what do you have to do with it?"
"Let me guess - you happened to be passing by and ended up listening, a pure coincidence that ended up satisfying your curiosity needs. How correct am I?"
"Not much, although I have to give you credit for the very inventive theory."
I didn't happen to by passing by, I passed by on purpose.
"Take your stupid credits, I don't need them."
"You could use some manners, though."
He snapped.
"Listen here-"
For a moment I thought he was going to explode again, to do something rash, and I seriously regretted being on the ending side of his fury.
But either because he took pity on me or because the manners comment got to him, he just came closer to me, talking in a threatening way, lowering his voice, warning me not to advance too much on his territory.
And I reckon it would be very effective if that pose of his wasn't built on such weak foundations, foundations that easily get shattered, that have gotten shattered too many times, only to be rebuilt and taken down again.
If only his life wasn't a cycle of events that repeated themselves to exhaustion.
If only I didn't decide to end that cycle.
"-you think you can control everyone's lives just because you're class rep and you have a bossy attitude. Others might let you control them and be tools in your little game – but not me. I don't own you any justifications, you're not the boss of me and you're certainly not my mother."
Mother.
"Impressive. Do you give that speech to every single person who might take interest in your less than recommended way of life?"
"The question should be why do you take interest in my "less than recommended" way of life?"
Good question indeed.
"Maybe it's because this cycle is getting quite tiresome: you do something rash - break the rules, break someone's something, really you could get more creative on this step -, get caught, get reprimanded, get punished, repeat. You introduce nothing new, you learn nothing new, and you do nothing new. You could perhaps learn from your mistakes, evolve from this stage. I guess I got tired of observing you fail to break your own cycle and decided to intervene. I'm just doing a good action."
I must have hit a sore spot – several sore spots -, because he got visibly worked out, his hands flexing and un-flexing, his muscles contorting, his face a mirror of internal conflict on what his next course of action should be: either hitting me or hitting me and I thought:
Now you've done it, Katara.
But, for a change, and I can't deny I felt the tiniest bit of an accomplishment here, he just raised his voice, really loudly, really uncontrolled, and yelled:
"A good action?! Who do you think you are? That you're a shepherd and I'm your sheep to keep and take care of, to save me from the wolves when I'm in danger and decide just what would be best for me to do? Well, I thank you very much for your limitless kindness, for it goes beyond what is humanly possible, which clearly makes you a creature of heavenly origins, but I don't need your help! I don't need your fake concern nor your stupid advice on how to live my life as boringly as possible – like you do with yours. I know very well how to make decisions and live my life as I want to!"
That's it, I thought. It's as he says, there's a limit to everything, and my patience just met its limit.
"Oh really, you know very well how to make decisions? Well it certainly doesn't look like that! All you've managed to do was to keep everyone away from you, to isolate yourself from the world, and every time someone comes closer to breaking the barrier you created you just hit them in the face! You call that decent decision-making? Well I don't! All you're accomplishing is to make things difficult to you and especially to those very, very few who actually care about you!"
He scoffed.
"Those who care about me? Who, you?"
"Are you mad? Of course not! I'm talking about your uncle! He does everything he can for you, he tries to give you everything, he always covers up for your mistakes, he tries to guide you not out of goodwill or pity but because he cares for you. And what do you give him in return? Detention papers! More problems than he already has! Why don't you stop thinking about yourself and think about others, for a change?!"
"And why don't you stop interfering with other people's problems and mind your own business?! Don't you have your hands full trying to live up to that?"
And that, I learned by following his raised finger, was my mother's necklace.
He does, in fact, excel at limit breaking, because he just broke another one.
You were asking for it.
"You're not going to start another fight, are you? Not in the hallways, and certainly not with a girl, I expect."
It was the teacher that had to do the chore of talking to him this time. He looks tired, as if he'd give anything not to be in this position.
And yet I got myself this position.
"No. Of course not. I'm leaving."
And he did. He turned and started walking the long hallway bathed in colours of red and gold, the colours of the sunset washing the end of the afternoon that always seems to pass too quickly. His steps are heavy, like the weight he carries, because I know it's not easy for him. I know I said things I shouldn't have, and I always tell myself that next time I'll be gentler because I do, I do comprehend his situation, but when in the heat of the moment, it seems that I can't escape the behavioral pattern I've created for myself when it concerns him.
Then you're just like him.
And then I understood that it's easier said than done. That I keep chanting my religion, my knowledge-filled words in every direction I can, but that I, too, ignore them. That I, too, fail to break the cycle I've created for myself, that perhaps we're not so different, that fire and water aren't as opposing as people make them look.
I wonder how they'd work if put together?
"Your mother –"
He was quite far, but I put all my strength into those words, because I wanted to make sure that, for once, someone's words reached him.
I wanted to break the cycle.
"- she woke up today. She's stable and the prospect is for her to get gradually better. That was my motive for being here – I came to tell you that."
He halted and turned around; light covered his face, literally and metaphorically, and for a moment he looked lighter, younger, he looked ready to start anew.
"How do you know that?"
"Have you forgotten that my grandmother works in the hospital? News travel fast."
He made a face that told me that yes, he had forgotten that and once again took off in the direction opposite to mine.
And for the first time, I decided to follow his example and walk in the direction of my problems, because if I keep straying from my path, I'll never reach my destination, my problems – I'll never break my cycle.
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"Katara!"
I turned.
"Thank you!"
But maybe I broke his.
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Author's Note: And there goes my first fan fiction. I've been thinking about this story for some time and decided to finally write it. It came out pretty much as I imagined it, although I'm not completely satisfied with it. But seeing as I deem myself incapable of making it any better, I'll just refrain from making it any worse. I hope you enjoyed and feedback is appreciated.