Star Wars: The Last Frontier
Many years after the fall of the empire a Great War began between the Wookiees, allied by the Ewoks, and the rest of the Universe. You see Luke pissed off Chewbacca when he wouldn't let him have a piece of the celebratory cake. This war has devastated many a planet. Now we will go back to when it all started…
(We hear the Star Wars theme song as the camera pans about the universe…)
(POV: Outside of the Death Star moments before Vader takes his last breathes…)
(Camera zooms in through the walls of the Death Star and closes up on a triumphant Luke.)
(Scene freezes and fades out to black for more text…)
Ok cut the hero shit lets just get to the partying! So yeah now we're going to join Luke, Leia, Chewbacca, and the Ewoks at their celebration around the giant bon-fire. This is where the conflict begins.
(Han goes to the falcon, with R2-D2 and C-3PO, and orbits the planet because he's been chosen as the "designated driver")
Ewoks: Chug, Chug, Chug!
Luke: (Drunkenly) Man…hic boy do you guysh hic sure know how to frow a party
hic!
(Luke enters one of the Ewok huts to rest awhile but is immediately awoken by Chewbacca)
Chewbacca: lidfs ghewipu rfjkldsvlnfd vlkfjioew pjfus dhuvnfdk jnvsdlfnj!
Luke: hic Nope still don't understand you hic.
Chewbacca: lkdjlosdakj dlk; jflds fjoewii efjfd dslnfhy iruewo nvcv mxc?
Luke: Hey! You know what?
Chewbacca: jlds lfij werot rhj?
Luke: Don't know hic what the fuck you hic said hic but I'm sure it wasn't even
close.
Luke: So, anyways, what I was gonna say was that, (inhales deeply) NONE OF US
HAVE EVER UNDERSTOOD WHAT THE SHIT YOU'RE SAYING SO
GIVE IT A FUCKING REST!
Chewbacca: (Whimpering) kjlcljfdksaflhf!
Luke: (Getting up) What is this?! You're crying now? What are you? A little faggot? (Pimp
Slaps Chewy)
Chewbacca: jfhdsjkldfhgkjfd!
Luke: I'm guessing that means, "Thanks I really needed that," you stupid behemoth.
(Leia enters the room slightly intoxicated and tries to get physical with Luke)
Luke: What the hell are you doing, didn't you understand it back their when we had our
"aha" moment, that we were brother and sister?!
Leia: (Startled) Jeez- relax there mister "I'm-totally-against-incest-but-if-I-didn't-know-
she-was-my-sister-then-I-so-would-have-tapped-that."
Luke: And now you insult me, do you really expect me to get intimate with you now?!
Leia: (Seductively) Just give in to your feelings we both know you want me…
Luke: (Angrily) NO MEANS NO! Now, if you don't have anything Important to tell me
than, GET OUT!!
Chewbacca: (Cheerfully) kfjhg kjasd fgkdf sgkl dfsj!
Luke: (Fuming) WHAT THE FUCK IS IT THIS TIME?!
Leia: (Looking outside) I think he's saying that its time for the cake.
Luke: (Joyfully) CAKE? I LOVE CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!
Leia: Whoa, don't have a nose-bleed over it.
(Luke shoves his way passed his half-naked sister and his gigantic Wookiee friend and sprints to the party grounds.)
(Vader, Kenobi, and Yoda join the festivities in their spiritual forms.)
Ewok Chief: (Ecstatically) All hail Luke Skywalker: Saver of the Galaxy!
Ewoks: (Together) Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!
Luke: I know, I know just save it for later its cake time now!
(Luke dives for the cake taking bites as he lands…)
(After the smoke clears there is no cake left except what has flown into the hair of the Ewoks.)
(Everyone is startled to see that Luke walks out completely clean- free of icing, cake, or residues.)
Chewbacca: (Confused) flkjhs fdakjlg fjhgfwel iuverh gkj sdfghsd fkjhg…
Luke: Ok I think I made that out, you were saying, "Where's our cake?"
Chewbacca: (Nods Head)
Luke: (Explaining) Well if you're really that hungry and selfish…that you want to have a
piece of MY cake then I guess its okay…PSYCHE!
Chewbacca: (Angrily) fasl fsdkj ghureihg fdjhkfa dghkjdf!
Luke: You've got plenty of the cake in your stinking fur!
Chewbacca: (Fuming) jdfh kjhshdf kdfhr!
Luke: (Annoyed) That's it I'm sick of your stinking blabbering why can't you just talk
English like the rest of these frigging midgets!!
Ewok Chief: (Insulted) Sir, I believe what Chewbacca last said was THIS MEANS
WAR YOU HUMAN FILTH!
Luke: (Thinking) Oh shit, now I've done it I pissed off a monkey with a crossbow and a
bunch of mini-hims…- Oh SHIT I'm fucked!
Chewbacca: (Grinning Maliciously) CHARGE!
Luke: (Running) The one word you know and it has to be CHARGE?!
Chewbacca: (Running) jks ahlk jadh lsdkhkj fhk djkf!
Wookiee to Ewok to English Translator: (Running) He says, "When he catches you he's going to stick his big
behemoth dick up your ass, and split you in two!!"
Luke: (Thinking) HOMO, HOMO, HOMO, AND HOMO.- I ALWAYS KNEW HE WAS
HOMO-WAIT…DID I JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD--D'OH--I MEANT TO
THINK IT!
Chewbacca: (Howls) AAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHOOOOOOOOHHHHH!
AOOOOOHHHHHHHH!
(Luke runs into Leia and grabs her as he's running)
Leia: (Yelling) WHY THE HELL ARE YOU RUNNING?!
Luke: Look...long story short, Chewy is pissed and his people have joined with the Ewoks and declared war on the humans!!
Leia: Well I certainly don't wanna be with you after you wouldn't get it on with me…
Luke: Can we talk about that later?!
Leia: No! I want to talk about it now!
Luke: Look-whatever- Ah…FUCK IT! When we get to Tatooine I'll fuck the living lights out of you,
me and Han both…there you happy?
Leia: Okay, but you'd better be telling the truth…
Luke: (Thinking) If she wants it she'll get it, plus she probably doesn't even know what a dick looks
like, the fucking virgin, look at me I've been reduced to having to fuck virgins!
Author's Note: Luke used to be a famed and envied gigolo on Naboo before he was a Rebel
Leia: Ok, then just put me down I can run by myself!
Luke: Thank god I was starting to get tired back there…
Leia: (Moody) Are you calling me fat?!
Luke: (Thinking) OH MY FUCKING GOD DIDN'T I JUST RUN MY SKINNY ASS OFF 15 MILES
WITH HER ON MY BACK?! -NO…NO I DIDN'T!!
Leia: (Startled) Ok, jeez, chill, my bad…
Luke: Fuck yeah it's your bad! Now…I need you to be quiet so that I can telecom call Han.
(Luke attempts to start a call to Han, who is still in the Falcon)
(Camera now zooms over to Han in the Falcon, who is quite cranky…)
Han: (Muttering) Stay in the falcon Haaan. You're the designated driver Haaan. Designated driver
my ass I could put this shit on auto-drive and we'd be there in the morning. No beer for you
Haaan. Fucking kids—
Luke: crackle Han? pop Han are you there can you read me?? snap Hello! Han we need you
to dock the falcon… static
Han: (Via Telecom) Kid? Luke what's wrong can you hear me?? Hello…?
Luke: (Thankful) fizzle Oh thank god for you Han, thank god for you… chshhhhhh
Han: Kid what the Hell is going on??
Luke: Um…well…you see…Chewy's not coming with us…
Han: (Thinking) Hmm I have a feeling that Chewy got pissed because of something and has waged
Wookiee War on us…-DID YOU PISS OFF CHEWY!?
Luke: crackle Look can we discuss this later just get the Falcon down here, PLEASE! (Chewbacca
in the background) ROWRR!! ROOOOOAAAR!! static
Han: Shit! The line went dead, oh well I guess lucks not on their side… (Regretfully) I'M COMING
FOR YOU, KIDS!!
Mean while back on the planet…
Luke: Oh shit now we're screwed…
Leia: Wh-What do you mean we're fucked?!
Luke: Um…never mind about that I meant nothing by it…
Leia: Ok…I guess…
Luke: (Thinking Hopefully) Oh please God let Han come to the rescue, PLEASE, PLEASE,
PLEASE...
Leia: (Tugging At Luke) Luke look it's the Falcon!
Luke: Get your hands out of my pants woman!
Leia: Oh sorry I thought that was your belt or saber…
Luke: (Jokingly) It's a saber of sorts.
Leia: Tehehe…
(The ground near them begins to shake as the falcon makes its landing)
(Hans opens the docking port and yells for the two to jump on)
(Luke and Leia Make a leap for the ship and make it on board…)
(Camera zooms out and follows the Falcon as it makes a daring escape while Ewoks catapult
themselves at the ship…)
(Chewy watches with malice as the ship escapes...)
(R2 and 3PO come out of charging their units and greet Leia and Luke)
(We see the ship hit the atmosphere, which incinerates the dangling Ewoks.)
(Escape at last! That is, but only for short…)
END CHAPTER ONE
TBC-
Plz Review and Offer Ideas.
Next part is Coming Soon.