Survival Techniques
by KNS
Not mine, not mine, I like them a lot, but they're not mine.
Notes: Season 1, Episode 9. Beware of spoilers.
Lady in black,
I knew your son.
Death was our enemy
Death and his gun.
Alun Lewis "Lady in Black"
"I really do think we're close to figuring out the FTL drive," Starbuck finished, slamming closed her locker. She glanced at the man half-propped on the center table. "Hey, you listening to me?"
Apollo blinked, quickly shook his head. "Uh, yes. FTL drive. Good. Yes." He saw the look on the other pilot's face and smiled a little. "Okay, no. But I caught enough to get your meaning."
Starbuck twirled her cane lazily between her fingers like a baton. "What's up?"
"Nothing," Apollo said quickly. "Nothing."
"Uh-huh."
"It's just – " He sighed. "There's another dinner tonight with Tigh and his wife. Ellen."
The blond haired pilot laughed. "Ellen. Sweet, wonderful Ellen." She laughed again.
"You know about her?"
"Everyone knows about her," Starbuck scoffed. "So, did she grab your ass or try to castrate you with her foot?"
Apollo flushed a little and laughed. "I'll be ready for her this time."
"Damn right you will." She limped over to the table, sat down on the bench. "Take your boots off and sit down."
"What - why?"
"Listen, Apollo, Ellen's a pro, and you're just the kind of tasty treat she likes best," Starbuck informed him. "I'm going to show you how to deal with her. Now sit down."
"You've done this before?" He didn't sound confident, but he did plop onto the bench across the table and tug at his boots.
"More than once,"Starbuck assured him. "Boomer's co-pilot, Helo – Ellen was all over him. Poor guy was in a tough position – couldn't exactly frak the XO's wife, but she wouldn't take no for an answer. Sit square," she told Apollo. "Now run your foot up my leg."
He hesitated. "Um. . ."
"Don't be such a child," Starbuck challenged. "I know you've played footsie with a girl before. Of course, you're awfully straight, so maybe – whoa, easy there, captain. Other leg, please, unless you never want me to ditch the cane."
Apollo grinned. "Whoops, sorry."
"Sure you are," she returned. "Now, the important thing is, don't jump. Don't make eye contact, don't change your tone of voice, and don't, I repeat, don't jump. Ellen loves a reaction."
"I knew that," he said wryly.
Starbuck nodded. "Good. Now, you have to let her foot get a little higher than your knee – go on, do that."
"How the hell does the woman manage to stay on the chair? I'm practically off the bench here!"
"She's had a lot of practice. Once her foot is above your knee, all you have to do is this." And she pinned his foot just above her knees and twisted.
"Lords of Kobol!" Apollo exclaimed as the muscles in the arch of his foot contracted painfully. "Gods, I want her to leave me alone, not accuse me of assault! Do you want both of us to be limping around here?"
"That would be gratifying," Starbuck admitted with a laugh. "I told you not to jump."
"But you didn't tell me you were going to do that! That had to have hurt your knee," Apollo accused.
"Worth it to see you jump." She wiggled her eyebrows. "What'd you tell me back in sickbay – my pain is your amusement? Cuts both ways, friend." She slowly swung her legs over the bench, gingerly lurched to her feet. "Put your boots back on. We're going to go over what to do when she grabs for your ass."
Apollo looked at her askance. "Oh, I don't think so. You're having way too much fun."
"Okay. Have a nice dinner." Starbuck grinned at him, pulled a cigar from some hidden place and stuck it in her mouth.
"Dammit." Apollo shook his head in mock dismay. "Where are the cylons when you need them?"
End