This is just to say that I don't own any of these characters, they're all property of J.K. Rowling, and Scholastic, Bloomsbury, and Warner Brothers. I also would like to say that this story and its style are heavily influenced by the Year of Secret Assignments, by Jaclyn Moriarty, which I don't own either. Enjoy!
Sixth Year Students Dear Students, This year, in an effort to create a closer school community, Professor Dumbledore has decided that you will be the first class to participate in the Hogwarts Penpal Program. Today, in your 2nd class, you will take a quiz of sorts to determine which student you will be paired with. Bring a quill, a book, and nothing else. Thank you for your cooperation, Professor Flitwick
Prongs,
You showing up for this thing? I'm considering blowing it off, myself. -Padfoot Padfoot, As much as I'd love to, McGonagall dropped the bomb on us today in Transfiguration. This bullshit's going to COUNT TOWARDS EXAMS. Besides, Flitwick says I have to clean up my record, anyway, else I'm getting suspended. -Prongs You're going soft on me, Prongs. But, fine. I'll just get Remus to go with me. -Padfoot I'm just trying to keep the Ministry off my back, man. You might want to try it sometime. You think REMUS is going to skip class when we're doing something that counts towards exams? What are you smoking? -Prongs Prongs, You suck, you know that? I thought we were always loyal to each other and all that. Could've sworn we took an oath. You all need to take some lessons in loyalty. -Padfoot Good to know. See you in Transfiguration. -Prongs QUIZ: PART 1 Name: James Potter House: Gryffindor Instructions: Answer the following questions. Be honest; these will determine your pen pal. 1) Are your parents married or divorced? 2) Are you a vegetarian? 3) Do you believe in Heaven? 4) Have you ever come close to dying? 5) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? 6) Ever have any surgery? If so, what? 7) Do you color your hair? 8) What do you wear to bed? 9) Have you ever done anything illegal? 10) Can you roll your tongue? 11) What kind of shoes do you usually wear? 13) What is your natural hair color (do you even remember?) 14) Future child's name? 15) Do you snore? 16) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? A sunny place, where I'm surrounded by girls and large piles of Galleons. 17) Do you sleep with stuffed animals? 18) Hamburger or hot dog? 19) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? 20) City, beach or country? 21) What was the last thing you touched? 22) Ever been involved with the police? 23) Do you talk in your sleep? I'll set up a recorder and find out. 24) Ocean or pool? 25) Window seat or aisle? 26) Ever met anyone famous? 27) Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life? 28) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? 29) Cake or ice cream? 30) Are you self-conscious? 31) Have you ever drunk so much you threw up? 32) Have you ever given money to a beggar? 33) Have you been in love? 34) Where do you wish you were? 35) Do you wear socks with your shoes? 36) Last gift you received? 37) Last sport you played? 38) Things you spend a lot of money on? 39) Most hated food(s)? 40) What's your favorite food? 41) Can you sing? 42) Favorite regular drink? 43) What are you looking for in a penpal? Somebody with a good sense of humor and a pulse. Dear Mr. Potter, I'm pleased to inform you we've found you a penpal! You will not receive a name; to keep things interesting you may reveal your names to each other at your discretion. This way, there's a little intrigue, even if you know each other! However, we will give you a few basic facts: Gender: Female House: Gryffindor Here are a few things you should include in your first letter: -Family life -Friends -Hobbies -Career goals -Anything else you can think of Remember, we will not read these letters, so you can write as honestly as you want. Signed, The Staff Dear Mystery Girl, May I just say I think Dumbledore's finally lost it this time? I don't even get to know your name, yet I'm expected to pour my soul out to you. Well, how's your day going? Spectacular? Dismal? Need a firewhiskey? Or a piece of chocolate? Girls love that stuff, in my experience. So, now that we're done with the small talk, let's move on: family life. I'm an only child. It's nice, I'll admit it. No sharing or any of that shit. My friends are like my brothers anyway. On to my friends. Mentioning their names would be like mentioning mine, so I'll just say they're great people. Unfortunately, one of them got mono, and won't be back for 6 months. Sucks, right? But, the other two are fine, except for the brain damage. My hobbies-getting detention, pissing off Filch, and telling stories. I'm good at telling stories. You want to hear the one about how I rode a centaur into a Quidditch match once? Good times. I got about 8 weeks of detention from that one. Do you like Quidditch? If you don't, don't bother writing back. You've already mortally offended me. That's my other hobby, flying, only it's more a lifestyle. Nothing better than the wind in your hair, and the look on your opponent's face when you score. My career goal: Be an Auror. Kick some Death Eater ass. Join the family business. Simple as that. As for the anything else part, I'll just ask you this: Do you want to tell me your name? Then, I'll tell you mine. It's been a pleasure talking to you. Sincerely, Mystery Boy Hello Whoever the Hell You Are, My name is Sirius Black. What's Yours? My family is full of a bunch of shit-for-brains pure-bloods. My friends are the greatest guys on Earth. You probably know them. I don't know what I'd do without em'. My hobbies are pulling pranks, riding my motorbike, and basically doing whatever looks fun. For instance, last week I played a game of Mugs. Yes, it was most likely a stupid idea. I won 15 games, then got smashed, lost, and spent the rest of the time trying to keep from hurling. But, was it fun? Yes. So, I'll do it again, as soon as I brew some Hang-Over Helping solution. I have no clue what I want to do after Hogwarts. I think I'd like to be a hit wizard, catching criminals and all that. Anything else? I have no clue why I'm writing this. I think it's a joke. Sincerely, Sirius PS-Just remembered, you're a Ravenclaw. Mind doing my homework? Hello Total Stranger, Hey! What's up? I just found out we had to write these fifteen minutes ago, so I'm throwing something together. You're a Hufflepuff, right? All kind and stuff. Hope you'll forgive me if this is late. Family life- Good enough. My mum divorced my dad years ago, so I live with her in a house in the country. Dad comes by once in a while. I'm an only child, so it's a bit lonely, but I manage. Friends-Best guys ever. We've had some good times, us four, and we've seen more of this castle than anyone else, I guarantee it. Hobbies-Running, flying (but no Quidditch. Can't throw to save my life.), occasionally drawing. My specialty is maps, and people. I'm really good at drawing people. Career Goals-I honestly don't know. Maybe I'll be an Obliviator or something? Sincerely, R.L. Responses-Received September 15th
Padfoot,
Married. Why do you need to know?
Bring on the steak!
Maybe...are you trying to convert me?
The Hospital Wing is practically my second home.
What kind of question is that?
Yes. I once performed my own heart surgery. It was very heroic. They gave me a medal.
Why does everyone ask that? No.
Plaid boxers.
Are you submitting this to the Ministry? If you are, the answer is no, how dare you ask such a thing.
Sure I can. Never tried, but I'm taking a guess.
The black ones.
For the last time, this is natural! (That last part is deeply offensive. I should stop answering in protest.)
Not planning on having any, thanks. Too much screaming.
How am I supposed to know? Sirius claims I do, but then again, Sirius is a liar.
Yes, piles of them. I also have a collection of Cabbage Patch dolls.
Neither, bring me a steak.
I just told you. Pay a bit more attention.
Beach.
My quill, duh. You're not the sharpest knife in the drawer, are you?
More times than I can count.
Depends...which one has the girls again?
Window seat.
Yes, we all have. Dumbledore's our headmaster, you know.
Yes, yes I do.
Neither. I don't eat spaghetti.
Cake. Especially the kind that explodes. (Long story)
Does it sound like it to you?
The Quidditch after-party was one hell of a time, that's all I'm gonna say.
Never encountered one. If I did, I'd give him a burger instead.
No.
Not here.
Most of the time.
A crumpled empty container of Bertie Botts from Peter.
Quidditch.
Firewhiskey.
Carrots.
Didn't you already ask me that?
Like an angel.
Coke. (It's better with Firewhiskey.)
Dear Mystery Boy,
I'm not going to tell you my name, sorry. Not until I get past the sense that everything you're saying has an insult veiled behind it. Because that's how I feel. Either that, or you're just naturally a really big ham. I don't need a firewhiskey, thanks. I don't drink. Chocolate would be great, though. You know where I can get some Snickers bars? My day's fine, how's yours? Met up with any centaurs lately? (See, now we already have inside jokes. Isn't it great?)
You're lucky that you're an only child. My sister hates my guts. She brought home her boyfriend over the summer. He's roughly the size of a baby whale, and has the sense of humor of a brick wall. They're a perfect match. Their future child will most likely be some whale-horse hybrid. Maybe a walrus? My mum and dad are lovely people, if a little bit naive. They think my sister and I actually like each other. (Insert snort here)
Your friends have brain damage? Mine too! One of them is just as obsessed with Quidditch as you. Her name is Marlene. You ever heard of her? Anyway, sorry your mates are stark raving mad too. I think it's something in the water here. That's why I only drink pumpkin juice.
No offense, but you need some new hobbies. Getting detention really sounds like a sucky way to spend your time. Plus, pissing off Filch, while a noble pursuit, doesn't really accomplish anything. Isn't he always pissed off anyway? But, telling stories is nice. Tell me one sometime. Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not really a Quidditch fan. I don't get the game at all. There are way too many balls.
I'd like to be an Auror, too. However, I'm not going to kick their asses. I'll settle for using a quick Killing Curse.
Here's my anything else: I'm not sure whether to laugh at you or report you to Dumbledore.
All my best (or at least some of it),
Mystery Girl
Sirius,
Zamira Knight. It's a pleasure to meet you.
So, why are your parents shit-for-brains? Unfortunately, mine don't have brains. My dad's a toaster. My mum's a Ming vase. I'm actually a robot. I have two older brothers, both dolphins. They perform at Sea-World in America. Have you ever been to Sea-World? Do you even know what it is?
My friends are all typical Ravenclaw know-it-alls, except for my best friend, Chloe. She's crazy. She throws whatever potion ingredients she has in a cauldron, stirs them up on high, and then calls it "Surprise Soup." Then, no matter what it looks like, she'll pull a vial out, and drink some of it. Unsurprisingly, she's been in the hospital wing 16 times. Bet YOU'VE never done that, Mr. I'm a Gryffindor and I buy Into house stereotypes. (I'm not doing your homework. Since you're a Gryffindor, would you mind jumping off a bridge for me? Thanks.)
Mu hobbies are reading, listening to records, drinking too much, and sneaking into the Hufflepuff common room. Those Badgers throw one hell of a party. I'm glad to hear you're familiar with Mugs. I hold the all-time record in Ravenclaw. Did you vomit? I'm taking a survey of the results of drinking games.
Career? I'm going to work for the Daily Prophet. Maybe I'll do a gossip column or something.
Anything else? I bet 5 sickles you didn't read a word of this, you bastard. I'll tack on an extra 5 that if you did, you only skimmed it. I'll give you 5 GALLEONS if you'll do the Surprise soup thing. Good luck!
Lots of love,
Zamira
Hello Stranger,
I'm not answering any of those questions they told us to. You know why? Because your whole spiel made me kind of sick.. What, are you like the first-ever angst-free teenager? Do you get into any trouble at all? You seem completely jazzed about life. It's kind of unnatural. So, I have a question for you; Are you some kind of alien? Or do you live in Fairyland? Or are you just living a really pathetic life?
-A.B.
So, did you like it? Have a suggestion? Even think it sucks? Review anyway!
Next chapter coming soon!